Programming Note: Welcome Dlisted's Guest Bloggers For The Week!
The bad news is that the guest bloggers are not international supermodel Phoebe Price and her sidekick dog Henry. Chicken Cutlets' daily schedule is already filled to the top with risking her life (if she queefed, that 76 would explode into the heavens) by posing with a gas pump at various Los Angeles-area gas stations. The good news is that the guest bloggers are two Dlisted commenters! But before we get into introductions, let me explain myself.
This week, my mom and auntie are visiting all the way from California. My mom has been to New York a million times and her idea of a vacation is sitting on my couch while lecturing me on everything from my diet ("You should drink grape seed extract in distilled water instead of sugar milk with a splash of Sanka in the morning") to my exercise regime ("You should walk on the treadmill 20 minutes a day instead of walking your fat, bloated fingers along the remote for 4 hours a night!") Yes, my mother's dream in life is to be Dr. Oz's assistant of the day. Anyway, that's my mom's idea of a dream vacation, but thankfully for me it's not my auntie's.
My auntie wants to see all the shit that the tourists want to see. And I've agreed to be her guide! You know, because I'm so good at that. I'm so good at standing in a crowded elevator at the Empire State Building and loudly saying: "I've lived in New York City for almost 10 years and I've never been to the Empire State Building! Isn't that funny. Again, I've lived here for TEN WHOLE YEARS. A DECADE. That's 3,650 days if you aren't familiar with the years measurement. Isn't that crazy? Living in New York City, New York for TEN YEARS and never going to places that only tourists who don't live in New York City, New York go! You know, because I'm not a tourist so it would kind of stupid for me to go to tourist places without relatives like you who are tourists. Oh, is that my phone ringing? It's probably my New York City accountant who is calling to remind me to pay my New York State taxes next April because I'm a resident of New York City."
So yeah, I'll be doing a lot of that and won't be covering the status of Kim Kardashian's bleached asshole as much. But fear fucking not, two escapees from the Dlisted comment asylum will have you covered! And they are:
Sweetas - Sweetas in Latin does not stand for "sweet ass" as you might expect. It stands for "pickled anus," because she's as funny as she is drunk.
Jack-N-The-Hat - Jack hails to us from the wonderful state of The Fuck If I Know. Jack's Dlisted name always reminds me of Jack in the Box, which reminds me of a Sourdough Jack. And just like a Sourdough Jack, this Jack is full of processed meat, covered in bread and will give you the hard shits if you swallow him too fast. But Jack is the classier Jack in the Box, because he's got a hat instead of a box. If your pussy is too good, refer to it as a "hat" instead of a "box." The term "box" is only reserved for bougie pussies.
Sweetas and Jack be here all week! I'll also be posting in the morning and sometimes throughout the day, but they'll cover most of the hard hitting stories (see: Kim Kardashian's bleached asshole). Please give them the love and respect you give me on a daily basis. And yes, by "love and respect," I mean a lot of boos, made up coupons for Grammar School and pictures of kittens and peens (But not pictures of kitten peens, because that would just be over the line! Or would it?).
Wow that is great. congrats guys. ____________________________________________
I still miss you Sparky:
http://www.petco.com/content/StoriesMemorialWallDetails.aspx?featurestor...
Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strenght.
An Eye for an Eye Leaves Everybody Blind!
a
Great job today Sweetas and Jack! I can't wait to see what you come up with tomorrow!
Yeah, Jack and Sweetas! You guys always make me laugh. I cant wait to see what fuckery you bring!
Awesome guys! Hopefully, MK can relax with his Mom (finalize his wedding plans w/ Anderson Cooper) with his extra time this week.
Tardy for the party, I know, but good luck guest writers, and have fun on your well-deserved vacation, MK...it's nice of you to hang out with your aunt. such a model family man!
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""There is no chicken or egg. It's molecular." - Lady Gaga
ubmitted by putas on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 3:45pm.
Triston & snowy & ricki lake next time? Rotate the fun.
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cosign
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"I wondwr how mk picked them (I am sooooo nosy)"
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we sent him nudz
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Anyone can get screwed, its not rocket science.
Submitted by kate773 on Thu, 06/23/2011 - 11:06am.
Congrats to Sweetas and Jack, and also to MK for getting a break (I guess, if you can call hosting your mom and auntie and pretending not to be a tourist a break).
Hee heeeee!
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"House arrest sounds like a dream!" - hermit crabs
Submitted by putas on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 3:45pm.
Triston & snowy & ricki lake next time? Rotate the fun.
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OMFG THIS SET WOULD ROCK TOO. *votes*
Triston & snowy & ricki lake next time? Rotate the fun.
I wondwr how mk picked them (I am sooooo nosy)
Have a good staycation mk!!
(And fraggle is the same as centaurious? (Alos used to beb pipcheerios and dot? It's like a shell game
Congrats, guys! I know you'll do the site (and us) proud! Much love! XoXo!
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"Submitted by suckandfuck on Fri, 04/16/2010 - 5:46pm.
I would slaughter a thousand babies for an hour alone with Mike Rowe."
Sweetas and Jack!!! Congrats!
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*dreams James Haven is my baby daddy*
good luck sweetas and jack!
Aww. I'm glad you're getting a break, M.K.! Have fun being a tour guide to your auntie. I've never been to N.Y. and having you as a tour guide would no doubt be awesome!
Congrats to Sweetas and Jack for being honorary guest bloggers on dlisted!
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Yes, it's true, I shave my legs for the pizza deliver boy.
while no one will ever be as endearingly funny, i believe he's left us all in good hands.
we'll miss you MK, but, enjoy your well earned break.
good luck, jack and sweetas, i'm sure he couldn't have made a better choice. i've no doubt you'll have earned lots of booze before the week is out.
As always a day late and a Dollar short, but here it is anyway:
Congrats to Jack and Sweetas!! I know you guys will do great!!
Plus i assume its ok to say "GHEY" now.
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"I also have felt the nose heat of the man meat."
SFRB, 04/26/11
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http://www.youtube.com/user/beeper246#p/a/u/2/BrO86m4qAEs
sweetas and jack - have a blast this week! And since neither of you are that Celebitch Kaiser, I can post in peace without fear of banning!
YAY, jack & sweetassssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!! Congratulations, both of you!
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"To all the amazing kids that are constantly told no by people & environments & bullies at school, that they can’t be who they are or can’t have what they want because of who they are. Screw that, kids!"
Jack & Sweetas!!!! This is awesome. I lurve y'all! MK...have a fun week with your relatives. LOL.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Congrats you funny fuckers!!!!!!!!! You 2 crack mah ass UP!!! Have fun MK!!
~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♥~♦¤♦~♥~
FANTA FANTA, NO COKE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lnRDU4LdZE
congrats jack and sweetas,bravo!
Migaine Sally ~
Dlisted White Trash BBQ: put me down for Hillbilly Caviar
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"His faggy coffee shop poetry reading glasses will go over well in prison. I expect to see them on cumonglasses.com". ~ Dlister Provolone
Happy Vacation week, Michael K
Nice to see my two favourite Dlisters getting a chance to write up some posts. Looking forward to it!
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"Never eat more than you can lift." Miss Piggy
OK, Sweetas and Jack, now that you are sitting at the adults table, I propose we re-institute some old, classic Dlisted roundabouts, including but not limited to:
Penis Friday
White Trash Dlisted BBQ, what are ya bringing?
Dlisted Haiku
She's got a face only a belt sander can appreciate.
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"His faggy coffee shop poetry reading glasses will go over well in prison. I expect to see them on cumonglasses.com". ~ Dlister Provolone
Congrats Jack & Sweetas!!
“He’s the love of my life. I adore him and he’s such a character and he’s so happy and at the end of the day, that’s what’s most important.” - Xtina on Max
♥SweetASS and Jack! Looking forward to reading your posts! Love you bitches!
Hooray! Yet another original idea from the platinum and diamond sluthole that is Dlisted! *Monday mimosas all all around!*
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"HELLO, ATHENS!" -Wino in Belgrade June 18, 2011
HAVE A SPLENDID WEEK AND SAVE THOSE RECEIPTS!!!
Sorry MK you're the Pavarotti and I don't need Herbert Schlempt singing. (no offense to Herbert Schlempt)
Let me talk to your mom: He ALREADY showed you New York!!! How much you gotta see?!
Worthy Guest Bloggers!
Good Luck guest bloggers!
Congrats Sweetas and Jack! The only candidate I could imagine being better would be Mrs. Patrick Campbell, but I don't think my stinkfish could handle all of that excitement.
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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. --michelleb
Jack and Sweetas, you raggedy bitches!!!
That's my way of saying congrats. You betta work!
if there are two worse words I dislike hearing more than "visiting relatives", I can't think of them. ok, maybe "staying with you" are close seconds. that said - BRING ON THE GUEST BLOGGERS, BITCH!!
*sitting here pretending not be jellus and mailing a real, live hard cover dictionary to jack*
:)
♥ Threadkilla!
Girls watch porn too!:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6478389/girls-watch-porn-too
*sitting here pretending not be jellus and mailing a real, live hard cover dictionary to jack*
:)
♥ Threadkilla!
Girls watch porn too!:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6478389/girls-watch-porn-too
wow. lots of funny deserving sluts here so that is truly an honor. congrats, jack-as. i mean that in in the best way possible and if you need someone to file or get coffee...
*wondering how much kissing ass is required to win a Caption This contest*
Sweetas & Jack!!! Good stuff for a Monday morning. Loving it XD
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As useless as a saggy pair of tits
i better see a phyllis diller post this week
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♦ When all else fails, they call me.
♦ Life sucks. Shit Happens. I'm a student of t-shirts.
Submitted by Slurpee on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 9:01am.
Submitted by Raul Duke on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 8:59am.
We've been to Banned Camp and back, too bad there's is not a camp for the terminally butthurt.
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This one time at banned camp.....
Pix pleasz!
Submitted by ZiggyStardust on Sat, 06/25/2011 - 12:05pm. You aren't a blip on my radar.
Au contraire mon frere, Raul is on Ziggy's mind like ugly on an ape!
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I'm not a living legend. I'm just a myth.
Submitted by crazyinjapan on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 8:40am.
Oh, wait...!!! Has the TRIFECTA OF HATE sneakily taken over this site?
In their own minds (and buttholes).
Triston would have been a good choice for this since he's been here since the beginning of time and is extremely funny.
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Curtsy, motherfuckers! MK
Jazz!!! Miss you too!!! All good! hope all is good with you!!! mmmmmmuah!
Coma Caca!
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I just had a thought on this. MK is taking his vacay after NY legalized gay marriages.... has anyone seen PHG or Boo Anderson?? Maybe MKs wet dreams have come true!!
...... I may cry ...........
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Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Jack I think we are entitled to at least one nudie pic from you this week - it is only right.
*puts on glasses and pulls chair up to the 'puter*
Submitted by Raul Duke on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 8:59am.
We've been to Banned Camp and back, too bad there's is not a camp for the terminally butthurt.
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This one time at banned camp.....
Chirio, how have you been??? Missed you!
Submitted by little_rascal on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 8:46am.
Yes! Peen, bulges, and pecs.
We've been to Banned Camp and back, too bad there's is not a camp for the terminally butthurt.
Submitted by ZiggyStardust on Sat, 06/25/2011 - 12:05pm. You aren't a blip on my radar.
Au contraire mon frere, Raul is on Ziggy's mind like ugly on an ape!
┌_П┐(•_•)┌П┐__
I'm not a living legend. I'm just a myth.
Have fun, MK!! You deserve it. You best hope though that these guest hos don't turn out prose better than you.
Never mind, not possible.