Grandmamas Everywhere Are Freaking Out
My dream of Courtney Stodden and Horatio Cane (as Herman Cane) co-hosting the Oscars at the abandoned spot where the California Santa's Village used to be will have to wait another year to come true, because the producers have stuck their hands into the past and pulled out Billy Crystal. After the talking colostomy hole sore that is Brett Ratner smeared the Oscar's good name (add a dab of sarcasm to that) with his use of the fag word and his talk of jacking his snail dick with Van de Kamp lube, the producers are taking us back to a safe place where all the jokes are G-rated and every category has its own musical medley montage. The Academy confirmed this to Deadline and Billy Tweeted this an hour ago:
Am doing the Oscars so the young woman in the pharmacy will stop asking my name when I pick up my prescriptions. Looking forward to the show
Yeah, yeah, I can already hear bitches screaming that Billy's as boring as a ball of room-temperature dough covered with white flour (which is sort of what his face looks like nowadays thanks to that debil jelly we call Botox), but look at this shit in a positive light. The Oscars will now start at 3pm EST since that's when Billy's demographic eats dinner and now his long-lost twin Richard Simmons will finally gets his time in the shine as Miss Oscar 2011. Richard's already got his ensemble picked out and everything!
Who watches that shit anyway? Loath Billy Crystal. Nancy comic strips are funnier.
Billy Crystal is like most things in Hollywood ... WAY overrated.
When i see him all I can think of is that book written a few years back by those two guys that talked about the friendliest and rudest celebs they had met and known. They were on Howard Stern and said Don Knotts was the nicest and Crystal was the worst. They went on to say how he made fun of one particular young girl who asked for his autograph. He was making fun of her to his cronies afterward. REALLY classy. They also said he was a bitter, jealous guy. I've always hated him since.
*/Who is Luck Evans?
Loved the Horatio Caine reference,MK.
BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
This is all I have to say about that:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Terhj8mjPwY
Richard Simmons has the most obvious hair plugs I've ever seen. But it's impossible to hate on him. I can see where Billy's coming from -- I told my high school-aged daughter he was hosting and she thought he was a singer. I can't say I've liked him in anything since Soap.
Billy's hilarious. I'm pumped for this now.
Yaaay, Billy's back! I may watch this now.
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"I prefer my pieces the same way I prefer my Slim Jims, long, lean and mute" --the incomparable MK
WTF is going on with his FACE? Sweet Jesus he's an UGLY motherfucker!
The Oscars aren't supposed to be for the kids. They are for gay dudes and people who really, really, really love movies. This choice is perfect.
WTF happened to his face? Is he now Botoxing like an idiot? Jeez!
When things got so bad for Hathaway & Franco, the sight of Billy Cystal during a brief appearence, was a relief for sore eyes last year.
I think Joel McHale would have been fun. Guy is AWESOME!
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
-=I do remember him doing an opening monologue with Jack fucking Palance...it was really funny!=-
Yeah that was the one where Jack did some one-handed pushups. Classic. I myself like this choice.
Je ne give a fuck about the oscar drama complex.
At least Billy's an old school vaudeville pro.
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"End well: this isn't going to." - MK
Am I the only one who was hoping Katt Williams would be the host!.....yea I guess so.
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I've written a letter to MK...saying...I...love...youuuuuu.
why do i have an overwhelming urge to spend a day in Richard Simmons' world?... he's just so... "colorful"
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"I could listen to a babbling brook,
and hear a song that I could understand.
I keep wishing it could be that way.
Because my world would be a Wonderland."
Submitted by Slutleena on Thu, 11/10/2011 - 8:33pm.
Billy was actually sort of cute in the 80s.
* * *
Oh, I had a mad crush on him when he was on SOAP -- soooo adorable! But yeah, he hasn't aged well. All soft and doughy.
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This episode brought to you by the letter SHUTUP.
Submitted by Skinnymalinky on Thu, 11/10/2011 - 8:20pm.
I tripped over Billy Crystal in a restaurant once. He is very tiny. And not at all nice.
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Maybe he's grouchy cuz he's so bloated. Male menopause. But does not account for hair mess.
.
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Billy was actually sort of cute in the 80s. I'm not exactly sure what happened. It's as if he decided to have a sex change and then changed his mind midway and ended up with the face of an old lady.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDSCOP5Gru8&feature=related
Sincerely,
Alana Smithee
Submitted by Skinnymalinky on Thu, 11/10/2011 - 8:20pm.
Dish por favor
Never thought he was funny. Kind of not shocked he's a dick.
I just have questions.
Why did they have to pick a host so fast? Could they've waited to consider more fresh possibilities?
Billy will be fine, I'm sure. But why does he allow such awful hair? Jezus. That's not a right hairline. Terrible color. And his face looks like a potato. Even Richard Simmons' hair looks better.
.
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I tripped over Billy Crystal in a restaurant once. He is very tiny. And not at all nice.
Why did Eddie leave?
I understand he's friends with shithead but that doesn't mean he had to leave.
This pic of Billy reminds me of Princess Bride guy. "INCONCEIVABLE"
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
As I said, wake me up when George Carlin comes back from the dead for next year's telecast.
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I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
I don't mind Billy. But like someone said earlier, he has a very clean slate for having been in the business so long. No dirt, no rumors. What's hiding in that bloated high hairlin head of his.
I assume Billy's a nice guy, but he's about 20 years past his expiration date. Lots of people wanted the Muppets. I thought they should get the Harry Potter kids since the Oscar people are always complaining they can't get younger people to watch the show.
Submitted by little_rascal on Thu, 11/10/2011 - 7:05pm.
Submitted by guest on Thu, 11/10/2011 - 5:19pm.
"When Harry Met Sally" was hilarious.
Billy Crystal has Prednisone face. Does not look like a facelift to me.
Submitted by BernardProfitendieu on Thu, 11/10/2011 - 6:03pm.
really, really bad dye job
I always turned it off as soon as he started kissing Jsck Nicholson's nasty ass (which never took longer than 30 seconds)
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And every few seconds the camera is on Jack to show his reaction to all the ass kissing.
Submitted by guest on Thu, 11/10/2011 - 5:19pm.
he used to be funneh. loved him in the first City Slickers.
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Yes, he was very good in it. Also in "When Harry met Sally".
Well, the Oscar people are clearly done with taking chances--back to the well with "Mr. Saturday Night." Man his plastic surgery is awful--his moon-face looks totally frozen.
It's not fun. It's not funny.
Shake it Richie Simmons Shake it!
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Beyonce is just as much ghetto trash as her sister, she just knows how to hide it better.
Barbado Slim 2008
Hooray. I'm good with Billy.
Safe.
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
Lucifer: Oh. Derpy me.
As funny as Eddie can be, I don't think he'd be a good host.
So I guess it's fair to say that Richard Simmons and Phoebe Price placed side by side would cause a molecular implosion of Biblical proportions.
The spirit of fuck you should never be underestimated. ~hotpocket 10/23/11
LMMFAO at lucy sam, oneliner and tojo!
I liked him in Princess Bride and only watch the oscars for the red carpet.....*shrugs*
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The difficult brown?! I think we're all done here. -MK
Submitted by Andrei on Thu, 11/10/2011 - 5:53pm.
All I ask is that Angelina Jolie's name is left out of this one.
She'll be the one falling flat on her face laughing at Billy's dull jokes.
Submitted by tojo on Thu, 11/10/2011 - 6:23pm.
Submitted by swarm-of-locusts on Thu, 11/10/2011 - 5:26pm.
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Young? "Younger" maybe...
Brett Ratner (born March 28, 1969)
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Using the measure by which Stone Age Hollywood holds onto being shot callers anyone under 65 is considered a whippersnapper. The guy recently put in charge of Sony Music is seventy-one.
Billy Crystal is funny enough but he's a poor version of Bob Hope with a horrific facelift at this point.
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Taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time."
— Haruki Murakami
Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 11/10/2011 - 5:45pm.
And what were they thinking with Brett Ratner? Can he work a room? An auditorium? Uh, I don't think so.
Haha, no, it was meant to be Eddie Murphy hosting - Brett was co-producing it or something like that.
"Am doing the Oscars so the young woman in the pharmacy will stop asking my name when I pick up my prescriptions."
So this is the kind of bland oatmeal "funny" we've got to look forward to.
My sister is married to Billy Crystal Impersonator...that's all I gotta say
********* SAVE A LIFE. ADOPT A PET *********
Submitted by Poopele on Thu, 11/10/2011 - 6:11pm.
You know this guy hates fags too.
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Probably not...he played a gay on "Soap" and became "famous"!
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...the end
Wait, they want someone with actual talent now? I thought they were all about nepotism and good looks now.
Submitted by swarm-of-locusts on Thu, 11/10/2011 - 5:26pm.
They are being so extreme. The young people's Oscars was a fiasco, so after the buddy of the formerly funny black guy fucks up and they both walk, they go with Stone Age Hollywood
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Young? "Younger" maybe...
Brett Ratner (born March 28, 1969)
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...the end
Wait, they want someone with actual talent now? I thought they were all about nepotism and good looks now.
You know this guy hates fags too.
Claymation face with poorly dyed chia pet hair - it still has to be an improvement on that limp dishrag, Franco.
HELL YEAH WORK IT RICHARD I'd love it if HE hosted with Howard Stern that'd be just fantastic thank you very much
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
really, really bad dye job
I always turned it off as soon as he started kissing Jsck Nicholson's nasty ass (which never took longer than 30 seconds)
why on Earth bring this mess back?
Nah, I take that back. I want someone dressed as The Joker to host it.