Mariah Yeater Still Wants Justin Bieber's DNA

This morning, Beliebers that have been in the fetal position ever since this Mariah Yeater mess started tried to get out of the fetal position after learning that she dismissed her paternity lawsuit, but then they remembered one important thing: they can't get out of the fetal position! They're fetuses! They're always in the fetal position!

Well, now they can really really stay there. Mariah did take back the paternity suit, but only because she wants to keep all the details away from the media she whored herself out to. Mariah's new lawyer Jeffrey Leving is currently trying to get Justin to suck on a swabstick and hand over his DNA for testing. Leving told People that it's so much easier to scam Justin Bieber's lunch money from him without the courts involvement:

"We're negotiating with Bieber's counsel, to reach a confidentiality agreement and to get private testing and results. Yes, of course I believe my client's allegations. I can't comment on whether she has physical evidence or not.

I just spoke to Mariah today, someone was recently stalking her. She is happy that she changed her number so she's not getting death threats by phone. She's a young 20-year-old mother who now has to worry about her safety and her child's. It's a lot for any woman that age to handle?

Yes, it is a lot to handle and here's Mariah handling her new duties as a mother really well by pushing her kid into the cameras for his first staged photo shoot. White Oprah just shit out a tear at this precious moment.

But you know, earlier I said that I hope this baby turns out to be Justin's, but I don't mean that. I only said those things for dramatic purposes. I don't want baby Trystyn (Side whisper: Who in blue hell spells Tristan like that?) to grow a follicle bowl of addictive pheromones that turns every girl child into a foaming-at-the-mouth crazy. I don't want Trystyn to make songs that are basically musical rabies that infect the masses. As Tina Turner really meant to sing, we don't need another Bieber! We as a people have been tortured enough.