Jools Oliver Is A Trusting Wife
Snooping on a piece is a full-time job and forces you to ignore whatever sanity you have left in order to find out the truth according to your delusions. When I was 18, I had this boyfriend who I swore was passing his peen to other whores even though I had zero proof of this and he constantly denied it. Trying to figure out if he was dipping his dick in side ass turned me into a crazed, psychotic ninja. In my defense, I was 18, so I always had to live inside of a Mary J. Blige song. It was always extra EXTRA dramatic. I tried to figure out the password to his Hotmail account, but I couldn't and I think I locked him out of his account a few times by trying (sorry for that, first real boyfriend). The question to re-set the password was "What was the name of the street you grew up on?" I got my answer by playing the porn star name game with him. You know, I told him to pair the name of the street he grew up on with the name of his first pet to get his porn star name. He gave it to me, I got in and didn't find shit! He asked me if I re-set his password and I lied. Did not finding any evidence of side-dicking make me breath a sigh of relief and move on? Nope. It made me crazier and I was convinced he had another e-mail account I didn't know of.
I made fake profiles of dudes I thought were his type on several gay dating sites and waited for him to answer. He never did. As I waited for my boyfriend to fall into the Internet dick-trap I set, I tried to check the voicemail on his phone every time I was alone with it. Dude finally caught me and practically super glued his phone to the inside of his ass cheeks by taking it with him wherever he went including the bathroom. The lowest point came when I told myself that I had to get his voicemail password. I listened to the sound the keys on his cell phone made when he punched his password in it next to me. I tried to recreate that sound and it didn't work. That sound I tried to recreate is now known as the INSANE SLUT Symphony.
Even when one of my friends tried to fuck some truth into me by saying to me, "Um.... if you can't trust the bitch, maybe you shouldn't be with him. And you're crazy.", I didn't stop. Eventually, we broke up and it wasn't because of another dude, but it should've been because of another dude. I'm talking about a dude in a white coat who should've dragged me to the nearest mental hospital for being an insecure, crazy bitch. And that leads me to Jools Oliver....
Jools Oliver has been married to British chef and warrior against fatness Jamie Oliver for 12 years. They have four chirruns together named (Note: If you're currently writing a children's book about gay raver animals who live in the Enchanted Forest, here's your character names) Poppy Honey, Daisy Boo, Petal Blossom and Buddy Bear. Jools and Jamie have both said that they have a happy and trusting marriage. Jools told People in 2008 that she doesn't think Jamie will ever cheat on her. But recently, Jools said in an interview that she always checks Jamie's e-mail and Twitter accounts to make sure he's not humping tricks behind her back. From the Daily Mail:
‘Yeah, I’ll check his email. I’ll check his Twitter. I’ll check his phone. Everything seems fine,’ she said. ‘He says I’m a jealous girl, but I think I’m fairly laid-back, considering.’
Her confession comes as a particular surprise as she and Oliver have previously spoken about their absolute trust in each other.
In fact, Mrs Oliver was once ridiculed for saying she was certain he would never cheat on her during his long absences filming cookery programmes.
In a 2008 interview, she said: ‘I am very secure. People say “Oh you can’t trust a man 100 per cent,” but I’m afraid I say I can.
‘They say every man will have an affair, but I really don’t think mine will.
‘Actually, I know he won’t.’
Dear Jools, take it from my 18-year-old crazy self, nothing good can come from snooping. Besides, Jools shouldn't spend her free time reading her husband's private e-mails. She should spend her free time Googling, "how naming your kids after The Wuzzles could turn them against you in the future."
Jamie Oliver?
I regret to inform you all that I totally would.
But first I'd slap the fuck out of him for getting on that stupid anti-fat crusade. After that, though... no, not going into details.
Yeah, I know. You didn't think I would with anybody.
I know it's weird, but something about the way he sometimes gets teary during a show makes me hot.
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I'm a heretic. Feel free to drive me from your midst.
Nope, glad you did :)
you're good people
Oh, I know. And I know the experience was hurtful for you. But it was awhile ago right and you've grown from it. Hopefully as we grow our relationships become healthier for both involved or at least we know when it's time to leave.
I was such a late bloomer too. I would say I still am when I am in a relationship, kind of. Guys have become impatient cause I am so slow to move forward. It just is not within me to move fast or something and that's pretty dull to some people.
Sorry to go all serious and washy on ya there!! ; )
Dunno Scully, I'm not proud of that honestly. But he was my first love and I was a late bloomer. He tried to turn it around like I was insecure yadda yadda. I told him to shut it because now I had no reason to be insecure, right? (at the same time tossing pieces of a disc he had a coworker burn for him of nekkid chicks)
To this day I have an unreasonable hatred for Tiffani Amber Theissen.
She looks like a Shania Twian/Catherine Keener Hybrid.
Submitted by Jintess on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 6:48pm.
Hahaha...I know, right? ; )
Well, sure glad you got rid of that guy. I do kinda feel bad for his jealous wife. He seems the type to keep hanging on just a little "just in case", if you know what I mean. I may be completely wrong, but that's how it seems. Your video tape story is hilarious...would have loved to seen all that over the floor.
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Submitted by mefunigirl on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 7:53pm.
Oh, the things we do we're drunk eh?? ; )
LOL, funigirl
I love this post, btw, but I'm reluctant to contribute in case some troll uses it to insult me three months from now. Jealousy definitely used to be my "thing" in my early 20s; but since I turned 25 I just haven't given much of a fuck about anyone enough to be jealous.
Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 7:56pm.
How fucking awkward would it be if his name is actually Jeff
*blink* *blink*.... hurriedly covers her web cam
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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz
How fucking awkward would it be if his name is actually Jeff
Submitted by mefunigirl on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 7:53pm.
Well, unless one of you hoars tells him.
*dials*
Jeff? Yeah, got something to tell you...
ME, I too did the 3 am drive-bys that made his family hate me (wonder why) and the neighbors worry.
I knew he was cheating, but his family hid for him and he denied it, so one night when I just KNEW she was there, I climbed over the side gate, and crept over to his room window, and sure enough there they both were having the sexy times.
Even though I knew in my heart he was cheating, I was still so shocked I just walked away.
Somewhere in me, I was still me though, because I climbed into her car (back in the ancient days of no alarms and no one locking their car doors) and I took a piss on her car floor, I was drunk, so that was easy.
He tried for years to get me back, but, I knew better and never told him about seeing them, or the car, to this day he doesn't know why I left him. It's my secret.
Well, unless one of you hoars tells him.
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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz
He's probably going to leave her just because she talks so much nonsense.
MK's story is so funny because I went through a phase of being a jealous crazy bitch during the first year I was married, the supposed honeymoon phase. It was humiliating because I had been a really cool, non-jealous girlfriend, then all of a sudden we get married and BAM! I'm a psycho. The sudden insecurity and fear was intense, it just seemed to happen overnight. I'm ashamed to say I snooped through alllll his old emails, dating years, even back to when we were just dating -- to see if he was cheating on me YEARS ago. Just...bad. My husband has a great archive for storing his emails, and no password or anything, but he realized soon enough that I was snooping through his shit every time he went out of the house and he wasn't thrilled with it. I was sooo ashamed. Thankfully I grew out of my psycho phase, and I never found any evidence of dirty deeds. I just needed to know, I guess. My own father was a low down dirty dog in every way so...I just needed to know, dammit.
chefs are sAxy; I know I'm married to one. Women want a man who can cook!=)
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"5 mile an hour with aluminum side"
Submitted by noshitsherlock on Sun, 07/08/2012 - 1:05am.
"Sorry everyone. I'll get back to lurking and you all continue to be awesome :)"
Daniee
I laughed and laughed at "It wasn't that hard dude" in your post, considering he turned down a bj;)
Good for you!
Scully rocked btw, so yeah. You're Scully in my mind now :D
My long term ex had a theory that watching videos of his ex girlfriends performing sex acts on camera solo for him (while they were dating) wasn't cheating.
I found this out when I was packing boxes for us to move and he was not home. He had them hidden, but not that well hidden. He returned to an entire apartment littered with streams of video tape ripped from the casings. I basically tp'd the entire place with it.
Heh, hope he kept a backup.
That's not why we eventually broke up, but it was an interesting night, to say the least.
Which leads me to the next point, even though that was years ago (and he has since gotten married) HE is the one who first hit me up on facebook a few years ago. Just kind of a 'hey how's it going, add me as a friend' sort of thing. Time had passed, it was water under the bridge and I had no problem being his friend.
It was his wife who had the problem. I mean psycho problem. I would only comment on rare posts and certainly never anything sexual or flirty. Just things like TV shows or a RIP is an actor we both liked passed away. Stuff like that.
Well, a mutual friend was at his house one Thanksgiving and got to witness a huuuuuge "It's her or me" fight between the 2 (can you say awkward?) He said that he wasn't about to take orders from her and by no means would he defriend me. I heard all of this months later or I would have done it for him. He still hits me up to this day, asking how I am, wants all the details on my bf, wants to talk. He just does it with a message, not on his page.
Like I said, he apparently has a thing for ex gf's. And his wife fills out those stupid fb surveys, links them on his page. Every chance she gets she bashes the hell out of me. I've never even met the woman.
*shrug* just trying to offer the different side. I don't want him back. She's more than welcome to my sloppy seconds.
So, over/under on when these two are going to get divorced because he's been caught shagging his "food stylist?"
I'll give 'em until the end of the year.
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It's PHELPS time!
Submitted by Daniee on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 6:14pm.
Who turns down a blow job? Someone who already has pussy all over their dick, that's who!!
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TRUTH
Submitted by little_rascal on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 4:07pm.
LMAO @ wetcunt!!! Beakers, please tell me you kicked the cheating asshole to the curb?
Yes. Yes, I did.
Submitted by M.E. on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 2:24pm.
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Wow, Sorry to hear you went through all of that and glad you didn't hurt yourself there. What a fucking dickwad!
Hahaha! Cute story. : )
I had to do this once and really, there was nothing more satisfying than figurig out that he is cheating and who with! He denied and denied and denied, but I just KNEW something was up when he came home to my on-campus housing apartmant and turned down a blow job. Who turns down a blow job? Someone who already has pussy all over their dick, that's who!! I knew something must have been up. I didn't have to do much snooping though. I just called his mother's house really late and pretending to be the other girl and Mommy dearest well, sort of let it out. He was a skank before he met me, and skanks like that never change. We were only together for 7 months and had just starting having sex a few weeks before I figured it out, so no biggie or anything. What was funny was that I was happy that I figured it out and just dumped his skank ass and he was all angry and said that I thought I was Scully from the X-Files. Oh, the 90's. Hahahahahabwa! It wasn't that hard dude. He begged to stay together. The girl was my "friend". Oh, well.
I think you're thinking of steak fries, Whammy (The ones you like that are kind of long & wide and potatoish in the center) Love to get those at a mom and pop gas station (tend to stay away from their fried chicken, though)
Funny, when I started dating my current BF, he had a friend with the same name. Turns out BF didn't have a phone and friend had an extra, so he gave it to him about a month later. So one night I was curious and checked his phone. Imagine my surprise when I see all of these texts back and forth: "Tom I miss you, can't wait to wake up next to you again." blah blah blah and sent texts saying "u are all that matters she'll be gone soon want u naked when I see u" etc etc
I hit the ROOF
Then he had me check the dates. Oops.
He hit the ROOF (deservedly so)
I didn't do it again. Hell, he works so much (and is kinda clingy, calling me whenever he has a break, comes straight home etc) that if he found time or energy to cheat on me, I would be impressed almost.
Still feel guilty for that slip up, however. That's why he's getting the entire 3 Stooges episode collection DVD set for his birthday next week, along with a bunch of Red Sox gear.
sigh
Jack, eh, she shouldn't get worked up over FB and exes. You hear enough about her ex as it is.
Submitted by EvilShoe on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 5:16pm.
:P***********
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"It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass." ~ Kenny Powers
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 12:24pm.
Pretty sure all your gf has to do is search the D history!
Submitted by M.E. on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 2:24pm.
We some how managed to wind up outside in my car, him trying to explain away that I was mistaken.
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Sorry but this part cracked me up. Some guys will lie NO MATTER WHAT.
I hope Jaime is rubbing his peen along the ass crack of a Nigerian dish washer right now!
Submitted by Janice Second on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 12:35pm.
That being said, if I was ever out at a bar, and some cute 30 year old, professional looking guy came up to me and was like, "Hey, I'm Buddy Bear Oliver." I'd be like, "NOPE" and turn around and walk away.
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How about "Dr. Buddy Bear"?
"Professor Daisy Boo"?
Submitted by agirl on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 4:51pm.
DO NOT TEASE ME MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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"It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass." ~ Kenny Powers
FOOL! Never, never say your mate won't cheat. You just never know.
Didn't she see that movie with richard gere and diane lane?!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Amnesty International
Shine a Light
Also, someone needs to explain to these foolios the difference between a NAME and a NICKNAME.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 12:24pm.
Oh my goodness... this is why I have passwords on my phone... yes, try to hack it and it will self destruct PLEASE DO NOT LOOK AT MY PHONE THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE!!!!!
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*sexts Jacko so he has something to see on his phone*
‘Actually, I know he won’t.’
LOL. Jools, there are millions of divorced women who said the same thing. Separation announcement in 3... 2...
She's nuts if she is sure he won't cheat. Unless she has some super-dirt on him she can use to blackmail him if he does cheat?
Nah, a cheater would still cheat.
Hooks Olivier ( typo and it stays)is a retched cunt, seen her in an ep of Naked Chef and she was a major bitch to him. (yes im jealous) hes just a sweet and generous man, not sure why he puts up with her.
Times goes bad, times go ruff, wont you lay me down in the grass and let me do my stuff.
(FleetwoodMac)
I fucking hate Jamie Oliver. He sprays saliva every time he opens his lispy mouth. Revolting watching him demonstrating how to make a dish as he showers it in spit.
"No matter how cynical you become, it's impossible to keep up." - Lily Tomlin
This dude is not even hot. Or maybe he is in England...
;D
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Worrying is using your imagination
to create something you don’t want.
Submitted by beakers bitch on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 2:06pm.
I was worse, MK. I once had that gut feeling that was driving me so fucking batty that something was going on, but I didn't know what and he'd do the, "*laughs* you're crazy and imagining things" shit. He asked me to do something on some virus program or some shit and gave me his password. I wondered if he'd use the same password for everything. It worked on his yahoo account and there was a bunch of chat buddies on there with names like BustyBabe69 and wetcunt, shit like that. I messaged one of them and asked where we'd met. She said "on adultfriendfinder.com, silly". "Oh ya, what was my name on there?" and pulled up his profile to confront him. He was speechless for the first time ever except for a bunch of incoherent sputtering. Definitely not proud, but I was actually more relieved I wasn't crazy and there was something there to confirm my gut.
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LMAO @ wetcunt!!! Beakers, please tell me you kicked the cheating asshole to the curb?
Submitted by Paquita on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 1:31pm.
I have a theory that famous guys are lazy lays.
I intend to prove this by sleeping with famous chefs, actors, reality stars (hahaha) and report back to the D.
LOL! I would be extremely interested to hear the results of your, umm, completely unbiased empirical research. :-P (ETA: Please take 17 cases of condoms, bleach-based all-purpose cleaner, lube that doubles as hand sanitizer, and antibiotics with you when you go into the field. I, for one, would hate to hear that you ended up practically living at the free clinic.)
OT: Jamie Oliver is sexy? Guess I missed the memo on that one. This photo does him no favors.
buddy bear. thats a nice idea for my next male cat I steal and keep for myself :)
Little Buddy Bear Maurice can sit at the cafeteria table with Huckleberry and Marmaduke Grylls (Bear Grylls' kids) and Fifi Trixibelle Geldof.
*voms*
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It's PHELPS time!
Divorce in 3, 2, 1...
Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 1:22pm.
What the fuck is a Daisy Boo
So funny, spewed my drink thru my nose! (ouch but worth it)!
Texn - never saw their show, just got the book. So their humor was not recieved.
And what you just described sounds like something Satan would serve you in hell. GROSS.
I can't fucking stand it when famous people want their kids to have "special" names. Motherfucking stupid names is more like it, and these poor kids are saddled for life with monikers like "Asshole Dweebuns" or "Fuckface Labia".
You just made me laugh out loud in a Dr.s waiting room full of hurting bitches like myself. Lol
Times goes bad, times goes ruff, wont you lay me down in the grass and let me do my stuff.
(FleetwoodMac)
<" I found not one single recipe I'd eat. :/">
You're not supposed to learn how to cook from The Two Fat Ladies, you just enjoy the shenanigans while they cook it. I remember one thing Jennifer did, prunes stuffed with chicken livers and wrapped in bacon which is probably the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. But it's hilarious watching them do it.
Submitted by Lisbet459 on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 2:29pm.
Submitted by M.E. on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 2:24pm.
Flung open the door to find him mid thrust in OPP...We some how managed to wind up outside in my car, him trying to explain away that I was mistaken...
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I'm a shallow bitcah, so all I got out of that was "you found him doing another woman and he tried to explain that you were mistaken?!" What possible excuse could he come up with?
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I honestly cannot remember his excuses. But like all cheaters and controlling men, they turn it around onto you and make YOU at fault.
Buddy Bear??
That kid is never getting laid. By either gender.
Submitted by M.E. on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 2:24pm.
Flung open the door to find him mid thrust in OPP...We some how managed to wind up outside in my car, him trying to explain away that I was mistaken...
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I'm a shallow bitcah, so all I got out of that was "you found him doing another woman and he tried to explain that you were mistaken?!" What possible excuse could he come up with?
Submitted by M.E. on Tue, 07/10/2012 - 2:07pm.
Athina - that would piss me right the fuck off.
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Yes. Usually it doesn't bother me much because it's usually the chicks that peaked in high school but are now way overweight, with 3 or 4 kids and different baby daddies. Not hard to tell how their lives ended up. My husband was raised in a trailer park to poor parents but worked his ASS off to get where he is now. The rest of the kids in the trailer park can't get over the fact that one of them actually made something of his life other than selling dope and collecting welfare.
I can up the crazy - when I was 20 my BF of 2 years wouldn't return my calls, my repeated drive by's his vacant house had the neighbors suspicious. Finally after 3 days I pulled another drive by at 3 a.m. lights were on, I parked down the street and went through back yards to get to his bedroom window. I climbed up to peek in, but couldn't see shit, so I went to the front door, which was open (his roomates were watching TV and drinking beer) so I strolled in and went straight for his bedroom. Flung open the door to find him mid thrust in OPP. I flew into a psychotic rage and started beating both of them. We some how managed to wind up outside in my car, him trying to explain away that I was mistaken. I started my car, put it in gear and sped off down the street, straight into a telephone pole. On purpose.
Thankfully neither of us were hurt, and my car was not totaled, but I kinda scared myself after that.
Needless to say, we broke up.