Natalie Portman Didn't Have Cake At Her Wedding
The only answer to the question "Who in the hell doesn't serve cake at their wedding?" has sadly been answered. When Natalie Portman married that French dude who can tickle the air with his pointed feet, she had a strictly vegan menu, she wore an Italian toddler's communion dress circa 1964 and instead of delicious cake, she served French macarons. Some whores go to weddings to see two hos unite their love in front of God or whatever, but I only go to weddings for the cake (even if the cake is a sheet cake from Sam's Club) and for the open bar (even if the open bar is a plastic trash can full of ice bags and Coors).
People says that Natalie's reputation as a snobby leaf-humper of the highest degree remains intact, because she used local wildflowers instead of having flowers flown in and didn't serve anything that used to have a face on it to her 60 guests, which included Diane Sawyer, Mike Nichols, supposed heroin head Macaulay Culkin, Rashida Jones and Ivanka Trump. And again, she didn't serve CAAAAAAAAAKE!
I can eat a wooden bowl full of dehydrated baby's breath covered in kale foam as long as I know I'm getting some kind of delicious cake afterward. Yes, one can try to say that macarons are kind of like the French babies of CAKE, but it's still not CAKE. I wanna eat the mother! If Natalie Portman ever gets married again and you're invited to the wedding, make sure to call the local pizza place before the ceremony and tell them to meet you in the parking lot about 10 minutes into the reception. You'll be the one standing by the rented Dodge, holding the box of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes your ass bought at the nearest gas station.
When I first wrote about Natalie Portman's wedding, I was going to say that she probably each of her guests a baby tree as a parting gift. I was close, because she gave them a packet of wildflower seeds. WILDFLOWER SEEDS! That way each guest can plant those seeds in their backyard and every time they look at those flowers, they can think of how Natalie's cake-hating hippie ass drove them to suck down a log of Quarter Pounders smothered in Duncan Hines frosting at 3am in their hotel room. I mean, she didn't have CAKE! Illegal!
Yes, it's her wedding and the pretentious eco-twat can do whatever she wants. Just like she can deal with the negative comments that will inevitably follow. If you are a selfish cheapskate word gets around and you *will* lose out in the long run. I doubt most of the guests are going to want to frequent any other 'party' she throws.
Imagine the wedding gifts they must have brought only to be served some salad and cookies. In some of the classier weddings I've been to I've had petite palmiers, madeleines, macarons AND CAKE. When you have that much bank you can afford to hire the very best vegan baker to put together an awesome cake so that's NO excuse. The wildflower seeds are a nice idea as PART of a wedding favor. Presentation is everything in this case, sticking 'Thank You' (in French) on plain paper packets isn't going to cut it.
Submitted by Chris Eccleston... on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 2:11pm.
Submitted by greeneggs on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 2:09pm.
I grew up in a dry county in the South. I've never been to a none-dry wedding. :(
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Wow. Rough. The drinking and the cake is why I GO to weddings!!
Submitted by _meh_ on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 8:37pm.
I made a vegan cake once. I used unsweetened vanilla almond milk (seriously, try it) and either mashed up banana or flax seed mixed with water instead of eggs. My non-vegetarian roommates and neighbors couldn't tell the difference. And the fact that there wasn't any left proved it didn't taste like ass.
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My obsessive fascination is in your imagination.
Natalie is a pretentious cunt who needs to get over herself. Enjoy your marriage to a closet case while it lasts, bubbelah.
If you're gonna serve fancy moon pies, why not just serve cake? Call it "gateau" to satisfy your snobbery.
Submitted by waterbucket on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 9:07pm.
Team "it's her freaking wedding day and she can do whatever she wants"!
If any flaming homo is ever going to make me an honest gay man, I'd throw a crazy ass wedding.
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You need to hook up with loopygorilla! We can have a faaaabulous dlisted homosexual wedding!
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Dark-sided!
Team "it's her freaking wedding day and she can do whatever she wants"!
Honestly, I hate generic weddings with their generic wedding cake and generic reception food of chicken and steak. Macaroons are delicious. I've been pleading all of my close friends to make their wedding interesting but so far, all of them have boring ass weddings that I fall asleep at. If any flaming homo is ever going to make me an honest gay man, I'd throw a crazy ass wedding.
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Like the fatal blossom of the graceful jimsonweed, I entice with my fragrance but can provide no succor.
Uh, someone wanna help me out here? Macaroons are made with egg whites. EGGS from CHICKENS with FACES.
And as it's been mentioned, if they were vegan macaroons, why the hell not have vegan cake?! Blasphemy!
I don't understand. Cant you make vegan cake? you can make vegan macaroons but not vegan cake?
vegans don't drink milk or eat eggs but I think you can manage to make cake from substitutes, and like, almond milk or something. But it probably taste like ass so good riddance on the vegan cake.
*brings my own Ho-Hos*
It's her wedding and she can do what she wants.
everyone who attended KNOWS the couple is vegan, and therefore all the food will be as well. You wouldn't go to a Hindu wedding and expect them to serve beef, a strict Jewish wedding and expect pork, etc.
Shut the F up, they are providing the food, and you don't like it then don't attend, dont eat it, or eat beforehand.
Most people on special diets or with food allergies know to eat before events where their food won't be available. If you really NEED meat at every meal then stop being an asshole and provide it for yourself before the special event.
That food was probably better than anything you guys will see in along, long time.
Probably didn't have any pigs n blankets either.
I laughed through this entire post about CAKE!!!!!! Absolutely hilarious and it even made me forget how totally obnoxious Natalie Porkman is.
Submitted by Janice Second on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 6:40pm.
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That's very true Janice. Actually, I love meat, but in fact eat very little of it because it's not that great for me but I fully agree, if the host or hostess wish to make it all vegan (or vegetarian), no probs here. It can absolutely be done and be enjoyable. ;)
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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I can understand not having cake, but you better have pies or an ice cream bar or something like that!
I'm not a vegetarian but my mom is. She never complains at events where there isn't really anything for her to eat, she just makes do the best she can. Her side of the family is all about red meat (my grandfather was a manager at a feed lot for most of his working life), so they can't understand why she wouldn't eat any meat. Ironically, her dad is the main cause of why she won't eat meat. When she was little, he'd take her to slaughter houses when he had to go for work. I can't and don't blame her for not eating meat. The last wedding we went to had hamburgers, and she just took a bun and a bunch of veggies and made a sandwich. As long as you don't make her eat it, she's pretty quiet.
I'm on the fence about having a vegan wedding. On one hand, they're paying for it, so they should have what they want. But on the other hand, you're inviting people that more than likely aren't vegans, so I think you'd want to make sure that there were at least some vegetarian dishes that they could enjoy. That way they have something they might like, but you still don't have to serve meat if you don't want to.
Submitted by Kizzy on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:49pm.
Submitted by Janice Second on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:41pm.
But it's nasty food. And what if I'm such a plant lover I can't stand to eat plants myself, and have made it my life's mission to devour plant-eating animals in order to spare the plants?
Also, with or without meat, I'm not eating anything that doesn't taste good to me, so no, I wouldn't eat the food anyway.
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Please enlighten me. What do you think vegan food is? It's not fucking tofu and nuts and kale. It's good that doesn't have dairy or eggs or any animal products in it. It's not boca burgers and fake chicken nuggets. There is a lot of really great vegan food. Go stuff your face at McDonalds.
Keep in mind, I am not vegan or vegetarian.
Submitted by WithinReason... on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 4:20pm.
Chris E. & Janice Second, Ya, if hosts don't take their guests' preferences into consideration, they can't very well expect people to go, or stay at their party. I suspect most people probably call the host ahead of time just to make sure.
Submitted by mefunigirl on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:55pm.
Submitted by Janice Second on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:41pm.
I have seen MANY weddings where the vegans are taken into consideration and there are options for them to choose from. Not all, but when brought to their attention, many do.
I have to say, in all my years of weddings, I have yet to see a vegan couple take non-vegans into consideration, even when brought to their attention.
Vegans generally get very angry when told to consider others, meat eaters generally do not.
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There is a big difference. Vegans CHOOSE not to eat meat, mostly because or some political or personal reason. You seriously, as a meat eater, eat meat at every fucking meal of the day? There is a big difference. You can still eat the food at a vegan wedding.
I've never been to a wedding, and I certainly wouldn't let some cakeless shitfest like theirs be my first!
There are vegan cakes. What a dumb and inconsiderate bitch.
sorry but this sounds like a wedding i could actually handle. id much rather go to this shit than go to a $250k wedding with 10 bridesmaids (bc the bride had to have all her sorority sisters in her wedding!) and all the bullshit and foolery that goes on with that. the 50 million events you have to go to beforehand - grooms dinner, 3 tuxedo fittings, formal engagement parties, the grooms cake. the ridiculous 30 min. toast by both best men, the 45 min. picture slide set to clocks by coldplay. ugh. and yeah im describing a real wedding. my husband was in it and it fucking sucked. only salvation was an open bar. the food wasn't even that good! horrible horrible wedding. so yeah. i'd rather do this shit any day.
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"It's called a party bus! Not a punch-a-titty bus. And put your MetroCard away, Chris Brown, no such bus exists." MK
Submitted by Nopers on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:48pm.
I think if you make everyone you know sit through a wedding, the least you can do is let them eat some fucking cake afterwards.
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Word. Is that too much to ask?
So I've been lurking in the snarky shadows for a while now, but this is the first time I've chimed in... I thought this story might be of note, since we're discussing certain levels of wedding etiquette...
A few years ago I went to the wedding of a former friend, four hours away. Spent money on a nice gift for her, a hotel room, fuel to get there, basically MADE the damn effort to go and be part of her big day. When dinner was served, my friends and I looked around wondering where the bottles of wine were... The waiters came around shortly thereafter and pour wine for only HALF of the guests. The folks lucky enough to be sitting the front half of the room (family, important people, etc.) got a glass of wine with their meals and the rest of us nobodies at the back had to settle for water or the extremely overpriced cash bar. I couldn't believe how awesomely tacky that was. Like, if the really couldn't afford wine for everyone, why not just forgo the whole thing?
My biggest regret was that I didn't get drunk that night (couldn't afford to!)
Chris E. & Janice Second, Ya, if hosts don't take their guests' preferences into consideration, they can't very well expect people to go, or stay at their party. I suspect most people probably call the host ahead of time just to make sure.
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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The reception is my favorite part. Give me some good food, cake, and music.
Oooh Oh Diamond Girl (Yes, Yes)
Submitted by WithinReason... on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:57pm.
No big. I swear I read that asking about special requests was considered good etiquette. Like for allergies, food preferences for any reason, etc.
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My obsessive fascination is in your imagination.
Submitted by TelevisedRevolution on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:53pm.
I'll take yours. Yeah, the refined flour, too. C'mon, c'mon, hurry up!! I want the whole milk, and the gluten, too!! I said hurry UP, bitch!! Get that sugar in the damned bag!! I said ALL of it!! Get that fuckin' milk in there!!
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"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.Kravitz on August 19, 2008
"We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by Chris Eccleston... on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:49pm.
Submitted by Janice Second on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:41pm.
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Hope you know this is all in jest!!
But truthfully, if neither group is disgusted by the other's food, I think it would be ok. I can just as easily eat at a vegan gathering, so should the others eat around meat. That is fair.
I agree, it's not right not to ask whether someone has special requests, that is inconsiderate.
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by Condi the ingro... on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:52pm.
Once adult, it's considered major surgery. Not a requirement for converteds.
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"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.Kravitz on August 19, 2008
"We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by Janice Second on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:41pm.
I have seen MANY weddings where the vegans are taken into consideration and there are options for them to choose from. Not all, but when brought to their attention, many do.
I have to say, in all my years of weddings, I have yet to see a vegan couple take non-vegans into consideration, even when brought to their attention.
Vegans generally get very angry when told to consider others, meat eaters generally do not.
Now, I haven't been to every wedding ever, but that's been my personal 15 yr. experience.
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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz
Good for her - sugar's fucking toxic:
http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7403942n
http://www.westonaprice.org/childrens-health/zapping-sugar-cravings
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God don't like ugly.
Submitted by OXA on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:23pm.
More importantly is the question of Millipieds organ, is he Jewish or did he have to have a bit lopped off to marry her?
He converted, so yeah, if he wasn't already cut (and he probably was not being European) he had to have a tiny bit lopped off (can't go all the way now because apparently it's dangerous). It's more symbolic than anything else at this point.
Submitted by Gigaboob on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:46pm.
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Love that! :D
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by OXA on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:23pm.
You can convert without being snipped.
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"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.Kravitz on August 19, 2008
"We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by Janice Second on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:41pm.
But it's nasty food. And what if I'm such a plant lover I can't stand to eat plants myself, and have made it my life's mission to devour plant-eating animals in order to spare the plants?
Also, with or without meat, I'm not eating anything that doesn't taste good to me, so no, I wouldn't eat the food anyway.
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"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.Kravitz on August 19, 2008
"We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by Janice Second on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 3:41pm.
If vegetarians and vegans have to suck it up at your party that serves meat, than non veg/vegans should suck it up when they go to an event thrown by two vegans. It's not like you CAN'T eat the food, it's still fucking food.
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Thank you! I've been vegetarian for four years and when I went to my relatives for Christmas, they put meat in everything. They even shoved sausage in the rolls. They sat there with shit-eating grins on their faces expecting me to make a scene. I didn't say a word and just ate whatever my mother brought. My whole family acted like my going veg was an affront to them. But then they're all Fox-watching, Bible-belching, 400lb. rednecks. Sometimes I think I'm Marilyn in a Deliverance-style reboot of The Munsters.
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My obsessive fascination is in your imagination.
I think if you make everyone you know sit through a wedding, the least you can do is let them eat some fucking cake afterwards.
A couple in San Francisco got married in front of their house last weekend. They decorated part of the street with the neighbor's help and anyone who wanted to could watch their nuptuals - friends, family, neighbors and passers-by. So sweet, it thawed my frozen heart.
OT: Her dress is blech.
If vegetarians and vegans have to suck it up at your party that serves meat, than non veg/vegans should suck it up when they go to an event thrown by two vegans. It's not like you CAN'T eat the food, it's still fucking food.
oh yeah, you people won't watch reality shows but you have no problem eating death! ;p
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"Shut up, brain!" I replied. "You're not the boss of me! Come on, vagina! Let's get out of here, away from the party pooper trying to ruin our fun."
Ummmmmmmm hasn't she ever heard of BabyCakes NYC I mean come on .... That's the best face free cake you will ever eat !!!!! Goooooooood grief !!!
More importantly is the question of Millipieds organ, is he Jewish or did he have to have a bit lopped off to marry her?
@MadgesVadge... Have to agree with you. A friend of mine eats super hippy. She's always trying something new and natural, and free of this, and organic that. She's also very thin and tired. And she complains about how something she ate makes her feel terrible, so 'it's time to try something else!'.
Has to be exhaudting to eat like that!
MadgesVadge -- you bring up some very good points. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm severely anemic and also suffer from severe vitamin deficiencies; in fact, I have to give myself B12 injections. I've been told by my doctors I have to eat red meat 2-3 times a week and that for me a vegan diet would be deadly. And from what I've investigated on my own, a vegan diet should be entered into only under a doctor's watch. I've also learned that some people become very ill and anemic while on a vegan diet. I totally respect the vegan concept and wish I could do it, but I can't.
Submitted by cripbabe on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 2:37pm.
I love these millionaire, holy-than-thou, art hags. bitch, take those wildflower seeds and grow 'em from your Manhattan apartments' wraparound fucking terrace.
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Exactly! That's hilarious.
I'm having lunch while I read this and I'm nom-nom-ing on some chicken and mushrooms. I respect everyone's decision about what they put into their bodies, but I don't think I could ever be a vegetarian, much less vegan. It's not that I don't see the point, but the evidence against meat is just not compelling enough for me to give it up.
Call me crazy, but there's a reason humans have sharp canines. We were meant to be omnivores. I can see the case for organic/free-range and all that. But lean meat provides nutrients that are not easily found in other food sources, such as CoEnzyme Q10, for example. The bulk of our diet should consist of fruits, veggies and whole grains, but meat is important too. And vegans always look like they're sick.
My friend, who's a carnivore, dates a vegetarian and I really don't know how she does it. In that scenario, I think the carnivore always has to compromise. Fuck that.
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"I have a very poor way of concealing my dislike of people and/or things." -- Evil_Cupcake's Mom
Submitted by Condi the ingro... on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 2:50pm.
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YA! Exactly, I can picture people gagging as I cut into my juicy steak, so I'd be relegated to lentil soup? I DON'T THINK SO! STICK THAT BREADSTICK IN YOUR SAPPLING, HERVE!
Just kidding, I might grumble, but it's their day, I'll put up for a couple of hours, then go eat a burger!
@Kizzy, DEAL! ;)
@Twatty, hope you danced your little butt off! hahahaha
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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One of my friend's neighbors got married this past weekend; they had a backyard wedding. They were playing really loud Christian rock music. My friend said the music sucked so bad. It was like the shitty music Elaine disovered on Puddy's radio presets in his car; everything was Christian rock.
Submitted by WithinReason... on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 2:16pm.
What exactly IS the etiquette for a carnivore going to a vegan wedding? Can one just ask for a special menu? Would that be rude? hahaha ☺
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Stop off and eat before the wedding, then nibble on the bread and squash soup.
Missing the point of this comment, dude. If vegans/vegetarians can be prissy about going to an event at which meat is served, why can't carnivores do the same when they go to a vegan event? Heh, big joke.
Obviously it's true: when one becomes a vegan/vegetarian, one's sense of humor often disappears and one takes every "carnivore" comment at face value. I'm ovo-lacto, but if I go to any event I JUST AVOID THE MEAT, POULTRY AND FISH. Jeebus.
Submitted by WithinReason... on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 2:48pm.
We'll be the bitches in the back, laughing it up with our own picnic basket, ROFL
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"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.Kravitz on August 19, 2008
"We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
You know, I just keep wondering if she forced a bris on her kid & husband, that's all I can wonder. I wanna know just how liberal she is.
It's so funny because that's religion for ya "Love and god and eternal light with a little bit o' salvation and beliefs that transcend the ages and provide enlightenment! yay! Now let's cut off the most sensitive part of your cock"