6 Mud-Covered Gems From The Premiere Of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
The Learning Channel outdid themselves last night when they showed us every angle of every sparkle in the crown diamond on top of western civilization's crown. I was all ready to feel my soul slip out of my asshole while watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but a strange thing happened, I loved every messy second of it from the family constantly talking about farting to the family saving money by buying ole' stale baked goods at a food auction so they can afford to spend thousands of dollars on Honey Boo Boo Chile's tacky ass pageant crap. The whole show was like if a bunch of juggalos put on a play called Anna Nicole Smith: The Early Years. This is WHY we have nice things, Amurica!
6-year-old beauty queen Honey Boo Boo Chile is supposed to be the superstar of the show, but the real star of the show, besides Glitzy the gay pig, is Mama June and her hundreds of chins that look like Jabba the Hutt's foreskin. 32-year-old Mama June is married (I think) to 40-year-old Sugar Bear and together they have 4 daughters: Honey Boo Boo, 12-year-old Pumpkin, 15-year-old Chubbs and 17-year-old Chickadee who is knocked up. I'll wait here as you turn inside out from grossness after figuring out that Mama June and Sugar Bear made Chickadee when she was 15 and he was 23.
There are so many eloquent quotes from last night's 2 episode premiere that I just want to put on microfiche and get surgically embedded into my heart, but here's just a few that I'm hoping will be put into a book of poetry so our grandchildren's grandchildren can study it and write 10,000 word essays about it in college. This is how I like my poetry.
"You have to take pride in how you look. Granted, I ain't the most beautimous out the box, but a little paint on this barn, shine it back to its original condition. Cause it shines up like it's brand new." - Mama June
"There are some broke down people out there. Please, women, that are of voluptuous size, put some clothes on. All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimous. You don't see my shit hanging all out. My damn three bellies. There's girls bigger than me and they've got them bikinis on that literally they eatin' the bikini. Their body is just eatin' it like SLURP!" - Mama June
"If a person farts 12 to 15 times a day then they're healthy, so I guess my girls are healthy in that respect." - Mama June
"There's a lot of people that are bigger than me. They got five hundred chins. I only got about two or three, but I embrace it." - Mama June
"That's a girl name, Glitzy. We're going to make it a girl pig, so he's going to be a little gay. Yes, it is gay, because we're making it a girl pig and it's a boy pig." - Honey Boo Boo Chile
"It's called a 'biscuit' cause it looks like a biscuit. Ya know, when it opens up and um.... You know, it does. It looks like a biscuit. If you look at a biscuit and if it's cooked right, you know, like in, like a, like Hardee's or something, you can..." - Mama June
And if you pull up to a Hardee's every morning before work to order a biscuit, think of Mama June's "biscuit" when you bite into that.
The only attractive one in the whole family is the pig. The 4 legged pig I mean,not the 2 legged ones.Whoever came up with the phrase white trash had this family of inbred freaks in mind.
I call my husband "BooBoo."
Submitted by mike on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:10pm.
As a native Southerner, I could lecture you on the HORRENDOUS class-drain (and continued brain-drain) that's occurred in the majority of the rural South since the period between the World Wars. I could, but I'm on vacation and I'm about to get fucked up with some friends.
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Hey, Mike...I, too, am a native Southerner & about to get fucked up. Where are you from?
I had the TV on toddlers and tiaras and it was mainly background noise as I was doing my nails. When Honey Boo Boo came on it took me a moment to realize that I couldn't understand 95% of what was being said because my eyes were on my nails and not reading the transcript on the screen.
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"MY FAVORITE CEREAL IS LIFE! AND I GOT IT; AND I LIVED!!!"
Got 2B Real : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRHIwO_tE34&feature=relmfu
I don't know what's funnier - the show or your review of it, Michael K! Priceless!
I watched the first episode last night, and while I was mostly repulsed, I also couldn't help but admire and appreciate that this family actually seems to LIKE and ENJOY one another (total opposite of my own family). I could see getting tired of Alana after a certain point, but she made me laugh hard a few times at her remarks. I have to say I kinda like her.
One thing that really made me queasy though was the gross, swollen, puffy, mushy looking gum area between Big Momma June's upper two front teeth! I couldn't NOT look at that infected lookin spot after noticing it! HURL
Submitted by turnelbup on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 12:04am.
Watching the show, I felt that Mama June was actually a pretty together, good mom. She's always there for the kids, doesn't make them feel bad about their shortcomings and seems to be quite loving in her own way. Sure, the family is a bunch of crazy crackers, but hell, at least they're not on drugs or screaming at each other or beating each other up. Like in my family! :)
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agree. i cant hate on this woman and i am certainly not about to hate a woman because of her weight. i find that to be fucking shallow and disgusting.
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"It's called a party bus! Not a punch-a-titty bus. And put your MetroCard away, Chris Brown, no such bus exists." MK
Okay, as much as I would love to blame this fuckery on someone else, it is the MOM who is doing this to her Chile. Gross. Go on there Honey BooBoo, and enjoy your wins. Cause I have seen your future, and that shit is BLEAK.
Submitted by Get Serious on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 10:42am.
Uh boy... while their lack of pretense is kinda refreshing ("we are who we are"), just ONCE I'd like to see a normal family in a "reality" tv show.
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Nobody would watch that and you know it. Might as well make a show about paint drying.
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*tosses a bag of hot dicks into Jeanneee's trough* BON APPETIT BITCH! - Raul Duke, 1/26/11
Whamo
LOLZ @ "sugar tits"
ubmitted by Migraineuse on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 8:13am.
Classist hate, fat hate and misogyny. This show is some kind of bigot trifecta.
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LMAO!!! Hahahaaha!!
You want to call us all misogynists then I'll give you misogyny.
Have a nice man hating day there sugar tits.
*slaps migraine on the ass and sends her out to get me some aspirins for the migraine she gives me*
This fucking ignorant pig makes me want to vomit.
After watching this show I swear I will never feel weird, not normal or out of place ever again. I'm currently waiting for internet people to come and I usually am in a panic wondering if everything looks okay. Everything's okay and I don't care!!
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www.dungeonhordes.com
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MK, as usual I am in awe of your appreciation of high culture. But you forgot one of the most important quotes: "The Redneck Games are kinda like the Olympics, except with more teeth missing and more buttcrack showing". Gold.
www.hangryhippo.com: Where hunger, anger, media consumption, and satire meet for a snack
They should put that mom and daughter in spinning classes.
This show is the kind of shit that keeps us circling the drain.
Submitted by M.E. on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 11:56am.
REPORTED for being a suppressor of women AND a supporter of misogyny! LOL!
That does it! I'm callin the law! Them bitches done stole my name!!! >:[
Migrainuse - STFU. Not every single post is about politics or how you think men are ruling this country.
This fucked up, uneducated fat POS family willingly put themselves out there for public ridicule. Thanks to TLC's paycheck they are on TV to be laughed at and talked about.
I guess beached whale mama June doesn't realize whoever is actually watching this is laughing AT them, not with them.
Fat disgusting POS.
Submitted by mamacita75 on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 11:38am.
yeah i dont wanna be horrible to these people but i dunno why they agreed to do this show. yeah i know its money, but you know what were they thinking to go on national tv like this.. anyway but obviously in some parts of america a 23 yr old seducing and nutting in a 15 year old is not illegal.
You missed out "cunt" jack! Where did you get your misogynist qualification, the Virginia Woolf University? :p
Submitted by loopygorilla on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 2:04am.
Who knew in some parts of America, a 23 year old guy can commit statutory rape by knocking up a 15 year old, and 15 years later, they get their own TV show.
Amen to that!!
I'm just trying to figure out how they were able to pay off the crew to keep their mouths shut and not LOL every minute of the shoot! I'm convinced with my eyes on a daily basis that there are MILLIONS of "humans" that should never have been born. The proof is in Mama June's necks. And what about the "sugar bear"?? He's only 40????????
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I have to laugh to keep from crying.
i'll tell you all why that girl is winning all those pageants.
it's not because she's pretty.
it's because 'Mama June' ATE all the other contestants!
i want to stick a gun in my fucking mouth.
are people really watching this garbage?
i'm ashamed to be from the south. That ''toad'' of a woman is a disgrace to humanity. omg
The immigration dept should show this mess to any potential illegal aliens...
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Vile - Linda La Hughes
Hey Migrainuse, on another front, I bet you are happy about the female ref who worked the pro football game last night!
See, change is a coming!~
Faaaaaaaaaat fatty McFat FUUUUUUUUUUUCK rolled in batter and deeeeeep frriiiiiiiiiiiiied.
FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.
Did I piss everyone off now? Good.
·...¸><((((º>·´¯`·. ¸.><((((º> .·´¯`·..·><((((º>
Visit The Freckle on Lindsay Lohan's Lip on Facebook.
Uh boy... while their lack of pretense is kinda refreshing ("we are who we are"), just ONCE I'd like to see a normal family in a "reality" tv show. No "stars", midgets, drug addicts, new jersey fake guidos, fake mob wives, fake housewives, trailer trash, fatties, bayou dwellers, nutjobs, screamers, posers, wannabes or freaks. That's all "reality" tv is composed of. When the extreme is portrayed as the typical, a very skewed image of our culture emerges. Which could explain why the world has such a low opinion of us right now...
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"Dammit, Pam, I've seen that, and now I can't unsee it. There's not enough liquor or therapy in the world to help me forget that..." - Archer
this is the worst thing on television
yet I can't help myself
*throws t.v. out the window*
Submitted by Kizzy on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 9:53am.
And in more redneck update news, PapaJoe Simpleton just got popped for a DUI. BWAHAHAHAHA
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LOL! How very Christian of him!
I hope he didn't hurt anybody.
Submitted by veryoldbat on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 7:47am.
::::Passes Letinstar good coffeee.. And some binoculars so you can people watch from a distance...
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i hope those binoculars are good enough to see from mars...:)
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"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." --
Roseanne Barr
Submitted by Chris Eccleston... on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 9:56am.
I just realized Mama the Hutt looks like a thinner version of my trailer trash sister. *shudder*
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Hahahaha! Does everyone on this site have an awful sister? I know I do.
We should take them all (awful sisters) and dump them in a volcano whilst performing a ceremonial rite. Maybe the volcano god will give us winning lotto tickets!
I just realized Mama the Hutt looks like a thinner version of my trailer trash sister. *shudder*
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My obsessive fascination is in your imagination.
And in more redneck update news, PapaJoe Simpleton just got popped for a DUI. BWAHAHAHAHA
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"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.Kravitz on August 19, 2008
"We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
Low class, fat-fuck, bitch.
*waves at Migraineuse*
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rly1ZZ076G8&feature=related ~ Kenny Powers
Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 9:49am.
Submitted by Migraineuse on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 8:13am.
Classist hate, fat hate and misogyny.
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*eye roll*
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Hehheh. I think she is over-the-top and makes me giggle. I wonder if she's totally serious about all those things she writes!
Submitted by soulks on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 9:31am.
imo the only reeason Alana is in pagents is for the prize money, and it doesnt seem like Alana has won any yet.
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Is Honey Boo Boo Alana? Because I was wondering if she'd won any. She doesn't look like the type who would.
Submitted by Migraineuse on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 8:13am.
Classist hate, fat hate and misogyny.
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*eye roll*
It warms my heart not to have set foot in a Walmart in 8 years....it's so precious that Walmart is coming to me....on my very own cable channel.......
"If Drinks are not involved, then neither am I"
imo the only reeason Alana is in pagents is for the prize money, and it doesnt seem like Alana has won any yet.
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"I try to think about hair-do's,
Tattoos, Sushi bars and saxophones"- I try to think about Elvis;
ty- *iconzicons*
Submitted by turnelbup on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 12:04am.
Watching the show, I felt that Mama June was actually a pretty together, good mom. She's always there for the kids, doesn't make them feel bad about their shortcomings and seems to be quite loving in her own way. Sure, the family is a bunch of crazy crackers, but hell, at least they're not on drugs or screaming at each other or beating each other up. Like in my family! :)
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Yea I kind of have to agree. ASIDE from the issue that she's basically setting them all up for diabetes with cheeseball breakfasts it's nice to see someone be so self-aware of themselves.
I kind of loved her self-depreciating ways with her multiple chins and "shining up the barn" discussion. She can definitely handle all the crap that's said about her. Her self-esteem is in check at least.
Classist hate, fat hate and misogyny. This show is some kind of bigot trifecta.
All of these "reality" shows are about hating somebody else so you can feel better about your own fucked up life. And so you don't ever get a chance to focus your anger on the people who are actually running society, because then you might be some kind of threat to the status quo.
Keep 'em distracted; that's what corporate owned media is for.
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I'm a heretic. Feel free to drive me from your midst.
::::Passes Letinstar good coffeee.. And some binoculars so you can people watch from a distance...
My issues now have issues.. So take a number.
@ Mike.. Lucky for Harry... June hasn't discovered CA or Pink Taco...
My issues now have issues.. So take a number.
i refuse to watch this...i've pretty much check out on most humans....
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"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." --
Roseanne Barr
@ Miss Lainey.. Beekers recommended it. It was funny and heartbreaking. Worth watching.. And who knew Hank Jr. Jr. Jr... Was such a latent talent? Enjoy your morning. Xo B
My issues now have issues.. So take a number.
Submitted by BreakinMe on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 1:02am.
Mama June was actually talking about her knocked up daughter's biscuit.
That makes sense, as you know there's no way she could see her own (without the aid of a long handled mirror).
Submitted by TrashyWilma on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 12:10am
I saw that doc a few years ago and was totally mesmerized. I have a good friend from WV and she said that family is much worse than what was on the doc.
I love this woman. She's adorable. She has a certain wit about her that should be bottled and sold.
(kiss this)--------------------------->>> (_!_)
For everyone in Crystal Lake, Illinois who thought we were the town trash because my father was in prison and we were on food stamps - Guess what? The bar's officially been raised (or lowered), and this mess is it. I usually try to be loyal to MK by giving anything he endorses a try, but uh, uh. Two minutes and I found myself praying for the future of America... I think we're screwed -