Susan Boyle has charmed millions, but not Lily Allen. When Susan sings, Lily does not feel the warm embrace of a thousand fluffy kittens. Or maybe she really does and she's just lying about it, because Susan gives her greeeen eyeeeees.
Over on her Twitter, Lily commented on Susan Boyle's take on "Memory" from Britain's Got Talent the other night. Lily wrote, "Susan Boyle is so overrated. Je suis overrated aussi." Lily went on, "Listen, I'm allowed to have an opinion. I thought her timing was off. No control, and I don't think she has an amazing voice. Yes, she can sing, but it's not about talent with her is it? She seems like a lovely lady but if it's about talent, that Shaheen kid should win." When someone called her out for the "talent" remark, Lily responded, "I have never in my life claimed to be talented. I do work hard at writing songs and putting on entertaining concerts though."
Uh oh. Lily has gone and done it now! Lily better sleep with a water gun under her bed, because the cats of the world will get her for dissing their QUEEN! I hope Lily likes cat piss in her vodka and hairballs in her panties.
And just for cacas, I decided to play a game I call "Mom Famous." I called my mom to see if she knew Susan Boyle and/or Lily Allen by name. Because my mom really only knows Madonna and The Pope by name. So I asked her if she knew who Susan Boyle was. She responded, "That British lady with teddy bear hair who sings opera?" Exactly. Then I asked her if she knew Lily Allen. She responded, "That rapper on Dancing with the Stars?" Huh?! So I said, "No. That's Lil' Kim." And she said, "Oh, yeah! LILY KIM. She has ugly boobs, but I like her." LILY KIM?! That actually makes sense since Lil' Kim does have the face of an Asian woman. Anyway, score one for The Boyle!
This isn't the news any of us wanted to hear... Mike Tyson's 4-year-old daughter Exodus died today in Phoenix. Exodus was rushed to the hospital yesterday morning after she was found with a cord from a treadmill wrapped around her neck. Exodus, who had been on life support, was pronounced dead at at 11:45 this morning.
The Phoenix Police Department issued this statement to TMZ: "I was just advised by investigators that Exodus Tyson was pronounced deceased at 11:45 AM today at the hospital. Our sympathies go out to the family."
The police believe the incident was accidental.
Mike, who had rushed from Las Vegas to be with his daughter, released his own statement before Exodus passed away: "The Tyson family would like to extend our deepest and most heartfelt thanks for all your prayers and support, and we ask that we be allowed our privacy at this difficult time."
This is just so shockingly tragic that there's really not much to say. May Exodus rest in peace....
World famous panty model Adriana Lima and her basketball-playing husband Marko Jaric are expecting their first baby friend together. Adriana, who once claimed she was saving her vagina for marriage, is due this winter. Adriana and Marko were married on Valentine's Day of this year in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.
A rep for the two issued the same generic statement that's used for every celebrity pregnancy: "Adriana and Marko are overjoyed that they are expecting their first child together and are excited to share the happy news and start their family together." Okay, maybe it wasn't that generic. I mean, they didn't they say they were over the "you know what." The rep must have tweaked it a little bit. It gets an A+++ from me for that reason alone.
I know Adriana Lima is a supermodel who gets paid millions because she's beautiful, but I hope the baby looks nothing like her! I hope baby looks EXACTLY like Marko. Well, in the eyes anyway. Seriously, if baby gets its father's eyes, it will look exactly like a real-life Milhouse Van Houten! Adorable!
A hurricane of fugness attacked Palm Springs this weekend when Tori Spelling decided to venture out in public in a bikini. Ring the fuck alarm! Seriously, does Tori hate humanity that much?! Okay, okay, I'll try and be nice for once in my life. Tori does have a face that only an entomologist could love. And titty balls that only a shot putter would touch. See, I can be nice sometimes!
In related news, thousands of eyeballs were seen hitchhiking along Highway 111.
If you really love feeling dry heavey, take a look at more pictures of Tori. And one of these pictures is not of Tori, her baby or her creepy husband. You are a genius with laser-sharp eyesight if you can correctly guess which one.
9.8 million hos spent 1 hour of their lives watching Jon & Cunty Beaverhead Plus 8 last night. This was easily TLC's most watch episode ever. Jon & Kate even beat the Lost season finale in the ratings. That has to hurt. Sadly, I was not among the 9.8 million suckahs who watched, because I went to bed at like 8 o'clock after being up for 30 hours straight (don't ask). I wanted to make sure I was fully coherent when I watched, so that I could take precise notes on how to be a bigger and better cunt. Kate is the master at this and she deserves my undivided attention. I watched a bunch of old episodes this past weekend and it really is like a master class in how to be a mega bitch. The reviews from the critics confirm this.
UsWeekly compiled a few:
On Kate saying her life in the media spotlight is so hard: "Is it really, Kate? Tell that to a family in which the breadwinner has just lost her or his job, you silly, self-absorbed fool." - Baltimore Sun
On Kate saying the paparazzi following them is creepy: "What's creepy is having your children followed around by a camera crew. Any camera crew. Period. It's exploitation, whatever cutesy name you want to give it." New Jersey's Star Ledger
On Kate saying she's alone 6 times when Jon goes away for the weekend: "You just wanted to say, 'We get it! You feel you're the Wronged Woman! Aren't you savvy enough by now to know you're not winning us over?' This was especially true when she noted that 'all of a sudden, your kids are calling you your babysitter's name.' I could almost hear millions of viewers shouting, 'So stay home!'" - Entertainment Weekly
Beautiful, right? Kate probably came a million times over after reading the reviews.
Just from watching a few clips online, it looks like an episode of Faces of Death. Seriously, it's like witnessing their marriage get hit by a train in slow motion. I mean, in the clip above, you can cut the awkwardness with one of Bai Ling's razor nipples. They should be speaking to a therapist not a fucking producer.
My favorite part has to be when the producers asks them what the future holds. Kate says, "I'm here" and Jon says "I'm here....for the kids." I expected the rabid beaver on Kate's head to pounce on Jon's crotch and bite into it. Obviously, when Kate pulled his nuts out she missed some of the root, because it sounds like they are starting to grow back.
England's premiere pristine lady, Jodie Marsh, says she has turned into a bodybuilder. This is kind of the like the time she turned lesbian for a quick minute, but instead of lifting clits with her tongue, she's lifting weights with her hands. Jodie tells New! Magazine that she was getting too soft and she wanted her body to match her rock hard tittays, so she hit started hitting the gym 6 times a week.
You know, she could've lost some of the "softness" by cutting down on fatty jizz. This is what I was told anyway. One time, a smart ass bitch told me to stop eating so much sperm after I complained that my stomach had a serious case of the softs. And ruin my social life? Eff that! I'd rather have a jiggly stomach than a tarnished image! Anyway.....
After just six months of working out, Jodie says she has gone from a size 12 to a size 6. And she isn't stopping there! Jodie will continue to work out in hopes that she'll be able to compete on the bodybuilder circuit, "I've still got loads to go. I might do a bodybuilder competition in August."
Maybe she meant she's going to do all the contestants in a bodybuilder competition, because I'm not convinced Jodie wants to look like Vadge's roidy-clit.
And I know you're probably sick with worry that one day Jodie will crush her fantastic chichis by dropping a barbel on them, but do not fret! Jodie's titties can't take it since I'm sure she regularly injects liquid concrete into them. She has always admired the breasts of stone statues.
This is a sad, sad day for no-nos everywhere. Butt Hole Road is now Archers Way - Towleroad
Kingston, don't worry! Being able to hear things isn't that amazing - Best Week Ever
Some trick from Twilight is in a two-piece. Don't be too disappointed when you see it's not RPattz - Hollywood Tuna
T.I. is spending his honeymoon in the chokey - YBF
As long as Luke Perry and Kristy Swanson recreate their teenage roles, I am okay with this - Coming Soon
Isabelle Adjani's face: What happened to it?!??! - Lainey Gossip
Walking sex machine sucking on a cigar in Malibu - Just Jared
Useless and Useless-er invade Miami (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Katy Perry makes sexyfaces in Complex - Egotastic!
Stepford Katie will look like the "after" picture in about 6-months - Cityrag
Aliens in DC - Popsugar
Even a delicious Corona can't make Kristin Cavallari look less boring - Hollywood Rag
I am pleased to announce that the soundtrack to my funeral has just added a new song: Aqua's "Back to the 80s." It will play right after Adina Howard's "Freak Like Me."
If you have no idea who Aqua is, then I feel sorry for your ears, because they have never experienced truly beautiful music with poignant lyrics. Aqua is best known for that Barbie song, but also in their catalog are such classics as "Doctor Jones" and "Good Morning Sunshine." But I have a feeling that the song they will play when they are inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame next year will be "Back to the 80s." This is the shining diamond in their already illustrious career!
And you're lying to yourself if you don't admit that every thing referenced in this masterpiece of a song could be placed into a shadow box containing everything you've ever loved in life (I'm totally just speaking for myself when I say that).
The Supreme Court in California voted 6-1 to NOT throw Prop 8 it in a casket and then bury it. Prop 8 lives on. Cut to trillions of gays (including this one) and gayelles making sad faces. Why do you want to make us weepy in the face, California? When a lesbian sheds a tear, a Home Depot closes its doors forever. Nobody wants that.
The only good news it that the 18,000 same-sex marriages that were performed before Prop 8 passed will remain valid.
My favorite gayelle memaw, Phyllis Lyon, quickly issued a response and said everything will be OK one day. If Phyllis says it will, then it will! A gayelle memaw doesn't lie!
Visit Towleroad if you're interested in demonstration information.