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It's been a while since I've checked up on Pete Doherty and in case you're shooting up with the cold sweats in the middle of the night wondering about him, he's still a fingernail gunk of a mess. The Sun says that Dreamboat was strolling through a flea market in Paris with his girlfriend when his glazed-over eye marbles caught five of the most beautiful things he's ever seen in his entire life: a family of antique crackpipes from the 1930s! I'm sure that moment was like something out of a joint episode between Intervention and Antiques Roadshow. And of course, Dreamy's first question to the dealer was.......

"He loved them and said he would take them all – then asked the guy if the pipes could still be used to smoke with.

"Pete had a stunning girl on his arm who looked the spit of Kate Moss and he was very friendly, polite and funny."

In Dreamy's defense, he always asks if he can smoke crack out of it before he buys it. That should be everyone's number one rule in life: If you can't smoke out of it, don't waste your money on it! That's why I make sure all the butt plugs I buy can double as a bong.

Pax Jolie-Pitt thinks he's hot shit by riding sidecar with Brad Pitt. Please! Sidecars are for amateurs. Maddox would stand on the handlebars while waving a flag made of the mutilated carcasses of a dozen Beanie Babies - Lainey Gossip

Maybe Jason Sudeikis can charm Olivia Wilde with his huge elephant leg dick (which I'm assuming he has) into only using her government name: Olivia Cockburn. Why would anyone choose Wilde over Cockburn?! I mean, COCKBURN! - The Superficial

The Vanity Fair cover where Daniel Craig sort of looks like a descendent of the Yodas - Celebitchy

MiserAlba pushed out a human baby three months ago and this is what she looks like in a bikini. I guess even stretch marks can't stand to be around her. - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Fergie's face is quickly speeding into the "Harpo, who dis woman?" lane - Hollywood Tuna

The Linda Lovelace biopic already sounds like a mess - Just Jared

Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres look beautiful here - Towleroad

Vanessa Hudgens and her boyfriend continue to dry hump their way through Miami - Popoholic

Ashton Kutcher continues to fuck his way through Europe - Popsugar

Rachel McAdams in Glamour - The Berry

Kim Kuntrashian's bangs look about as natural as those polyester spider legs around her eyes - ICYDK

LOL Weed - Cityrag

David Beckham's nipples are staying in L.A. - OMG Blog

Why drunkenly shooting your roommate is a good idea sometimes - The Daily What

The fanciest STD warts I've ever seen are currently living on Amber Rose's head - Crunk + Disorderly

Sofia Vergara SANS FARDS - SOW

For being a pasty mess, Mischa Barton looks good here - Hollywood Rag

St. Angie buying Brad Pitt a waterfall for his birthday is her way of telling him to take a damn shower already - I'm Not Obsessed

If any of the Richards sisters should get a book deal it's that spastic rouge stain Kim Richards and her book should be titled: 101 Excuses You Can Use To Get Out Of Leaving Your Damn House. But for some bizarre reason, Kyle Richards is the one putting out a book that literally nobody will read. Maybe the discount bin at Barnes & Nobles needs filling. I don't know, but in Kyle's stupid book she drops corroded pearls of dumb wisdom on marriage and cheating. Kyle thinks that if you should "accidentally" fall on the lubed-up fuck parts of a piece that isn't your spouse, you should swallow that secret and take it to your grave. Kyle and her husband of 17 years Mauricio were on Good Morning America (via UsWeekly) today and she explained what she meant by that shit:

"I've seen circumstances with people that I know are in love with their spouse and they made one mistake and I said -- this is somebody that I know, nobody that anybody knows here, 'Listen, if this really was a one time mistake, and you did not put this person in jeopardy,' I personally think you should deal with it with yourself and with God and not go and say: 'Honey look what I did,' because I knew that this would ruin their relationship and their life.

And I can tell you that many, many, many years later they're happy and together and she did make that mistake and she has to carry that and live with that."

First of all, why is this free lunch version of Demi Moore giving marital advice? The only advice this ho should be giving is how to pick the perfect pair of sunglasses to make you look like a deranged bee from the future (seriously, all of her sunglasses are so fug). But I guess what Kyle is really trying to tell us is that Mauricio's dick is covered in the remnants of dried side piece juice. What Kyle is also trying to tell us is that if a tree fucks your husband in the forest and no one is around to hear it, it doesn't make a sound.

So the moral of the story is, don't let your husband go into the forest unless you don't care if he fucks tree. Right?

Do you ever get this spam e-mail that says shit like "Why sit at home alone? Come meet the girl of your dreams! Message me now!" and then they attach a picture of some random chick trying hard to pose sexy but she really looks like she’s trying to hold in a wet fart? Well, Courtney Stodden has a career ahead of her in that kind of modeling. That's if this whole "floor flashing" trend she's trying to start doesn't take off and she becomes the beacon of the most important movement ever. But seriously, Courtney is not only the most graceful and demure lizard in the reptile tank, but she's also the most innocent. Most of us have been doing this "floor flashing" thing for YEARS, but we call it "Saturday morning."

Source: The Reptile House of Courtney Stodden's Twitter via The Frisky

File this under: THE BEST SHIT I'VE HEARD ALL YEAR (Note: I'd say this even if it wasn't 3 days into a new year.) AND I'M NOT EVEN CAUGHT IN A K-HOLE.

Contact Music (aka the authority on truth when it comes to Clint Eastwood and squirrels news) says that Clint Eastwood has a best friend in the world and that best friend is a squirrel named Lola who lives near his office on the Warner Bros. lot. Lola is lucky as all shit that she made a house near Clint Eastwood's office instead of Richard Gere's office, because this would be a whole other kind of post if the latter happened. Instead of staring into Clint's squinting mound of wrinkles known as his face, bitch would be staring into Richard's squinting mound of wrinkles known as his gerbil eater!!!!

The source says that Clint leaves his office door open for Lola and the two have shared many beautiful moments together. The source went on, "Clint leaves the front door open whenever he's inside working so Lola can come and go. He gets a kick out of watching her and always keeps a bag of shelled peanuts on the bottom shelf of a bookcase in case she gets hungry. Clint would be so upset if Lola disappeared. He enjoys her company."

Clint ain't shit for not including a man ass eating scene in J. Edgar, but I will forgive him if he does an animated musical remake of Gran Torino starring Lola as his Asian neighbors and a bunch of coyotes as that Vietnamese gang.

Everyone who was backstage at the Coldplay concert in Abu Dhabi on New Year's Eve found out the painful way what it's like to witness a conversation between a tequila worm on meth and a pinched anus when Fishsticks Paltrow dropped some GOOP into Courtney Love's ear. I don't know why Courtney was in Abu Dhabi (Trying to sell herself at clearance prices to a sheik"), but she was there and somehow got backstage at the Coldplay show. Courtney's cheek found its way to GOOPY's cheek and as her system tried to fight off the "pretentious cunt" syndrome seeping into her face pores, she posted this on her Twitter:

Courtney Courtney Love Cobain
getting the best advise for the new years from a true friend, love you @GwynethPaltrow @Goop
31 Dec

What kind of advice could GOOPY give Courtney? Gently roll all your crack rocks in crushed lemon seeds before you smoke them? If you're going to write a threatening letter to your estranged daughter, do it on persimmon-scented papier from GOOPY's favorite stationary store located in the attic of a diamond museum on the outskirts of Paris.

And by the looks of that picture, the wrong ho is the one giving the advice. One of them looks like she only survives on eating nicotine patches and hasn't slept in weeks because the voices of her enemies keep her up at night. And I'm not talking about Courtney, for a change.

I mean, Fishsticks looks like hell. She looks like Kurt Cobain TODAY, which is probably why Courtney wanted a picture with her in the first place.

Over New Years, this C list actress told her A/B list musician boyfriend that she is pregnant. The pregnancy would probably cause huge headlines and affect each of the star’s careers. Right now the two are debating whether to secretly go ahead with the pregnancy or to terminate it, but either way they want to keep it secret, mostly because of their age. (BuzzFoto)

This is the part in the after-school special when The Lesbeaver busts into his rendition of "Papa Don't Preach" while wearing a "Canadian Fetuses Do It Better" half shirt.

Everyone knows this cute actor, although you might be hard-pressed to name more than one role he played. He finally got engaged to his girlfriend right around Christmas, but there hasn’t been any announcement yet. Why not? It’s because he’s hoping that some entertainment news program or gossip magazine will slip him a little extra money for the exclusive. Although he is gorgeous, we’re not sure he is gossip-worthy enough that a prominent show or magazine would have slated him as their lead story or their cover. Oh, wait! We take that back. There is one TV show that just might make him their lead story. (Blind Gossip)

Slated = Slater = Mario Lopez. The only way a magazine should pay for this epitome of WHO CARES? news is if Mario takes a cover picture with the engagement ring around his peen head after getting donkey punched by Screech.

Which famous fitness buff has been engaging in some serious locker room talk about one of his recent celebrity conquests? He's been confirming for pals that she's as delicious in the sack (especially in a certain area of expertise) as the rumors say. (Gawker)

Richard Simmons and Giada "Blowjob Queen" De Laurentiis!

AND just like every year, CDAN has answered a million and one blind items, so click here to see if your shit was right or not. If Blind Item Solving was a community college course, I'd be given an incomplete and a pamphlet to DeVry.

Where there's a Ryan Gosling covering his face with a Famous Monsters Magazine, there's a Joyce DeWitt look-alike who's trying to strap herself to his carry-on so he has no choice but to take her on a sky ride of love.

So yeah, Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are still nibbling on each other's wet parts and suddenly they're all coy about it. Ryan and Eva spent their New Year's in NYC together, and when they showed up at JFK and arrived at LAX yesterday, they both had their faces covered like my one-night tricks when they leave my apartment in broad daylight. (Or like my family members preparing themselves for the rancid scent of invisible butt smoke when I reached for a fourth piece of pistachio cake at Christmas Day lunch.)

Either these whores have a spray of herp sores on their mouths or they're turning on the STUNT QUEEN moves for the holidays. Eva Mendes is really acting like the camera flashes down give her life and like she didn't e-mail all the paps her exact itinerary. Bitch, give George Costanza his hat back and get over yourself.

Although...if I was walking around with some dude wearing a trucker hat and the year wasn't 2003, I'd probably cover my mug out of embarrassment too.

For some of your asses, it's your first day back in cubicle purgatory after a long weekend of lying gut down on your sofa while sucking down a post-Christmas daiquiri (ingredients: leftover Christmas candy of all kinds, the cheap wine your cheap uncle brought to dinner and the perfume from The Dollar Tree that your cheap uncle's wife gave you as a gift) through a straw, so maybe these pictures of some Iglesias nipples will help to soothe your third hangover of 2012. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Michael, I like my Iglesias nipples well-aged and seasoned. Dáme Julio!", then I just have to say, "MOM! Put down your iPad and let's never subliminally speak about Iglesias nipples again."

Whenever I think of Enrique, I think of that beautiful brown face dingle that a possum gnawed off a few years ago after he spread a little queso on it. I still miss that succulent face nipple. I hope he kept it. Actually, since Enrique always goes on about his hamster peen, I hope he attached that mole to the end of his toddler dick to give him more girth. Enrique is mole-ed for Anna Kournikova's pleasure.

If Rebecca Black turned to huffing White Rain hairspray out of a paper sack to deal with the pain of Samoa canceling an entire Friday, lost her entire Friday fortune and then moved to Pittsburgh to reinvent herself as a muffing-pounding white girl rapper using the skills she learned at Ke$ha's Academy of Frontin' Ass Basic Rhymes, then she would be just like Shira!

With a budget that could buy half-a-dozen stale muffins at the Hostess Outlet and a wardrobe fit for a special needs dance team doing a Pussycat Dolls song, Shira's new video is a work of muffin pounding art.

Never mind that Shira's muffin is probably made of bran, powdered milk and old walnuts, since when is a CUPCAKE a MUFFIN? But I shouldn't be so damn hard on Shira, because she just got her muffin pounded, bruised and busted in a car crash:

@ShiraMissMuffin SHIRA
car accident, 2 broken bones, sprained neck with brace... and car is dead and gone...... bed bound

Well, Shira, I guess that's what happens when you accept rides from a dude who looks like he lives in the woods, is on every government list, eats squirrel brains and snorts wet leaves.

(For Crystal)