Remember when Kristen Stewart got a whole lot of shit thrown at her face for basically saying that she feels like someone needs to hand her a rape kit after the paparazzi takes her picture? Well, she continued to whisper sweet nothings into the faces of the paparazzi in Paris recently. After the human version of a skater boy's scab signed a bunch of autographs, she turned to her soulmates the paparazzi and told them to freeze to death (at the 0:42 mark). That was an early Valentine's Day gift from KStew to the paps. You know, if the paparazzi took a few steps back until they reached Eastern Europe, they could freeze to death! That Kristen. So fucking topical.
In their ongoing battle to see who can be the biggest cunt in all the land, Madge has just jumped a million spaces ahead of Elton John with one little quote to Newsweek about her ticket prices. If you've ever complained about paying $300 to see Madge rub the dick muscle on her armpit (that is a dick growing out of her armpit, right?) against an 18-year-old backup dancer, then shut your mouth. Start saving your coins by only eating tap water and ketchup packets for the next ten months, because she's worth it. Newsweek asked Madge what she thinks about her fans complaining that her ticket prices cost more than some people's monthly car payment and the cunt angels sang her name when she said this:
“So start saving your pennies now. People spend $300 on crazy things all the time, things like handbags. So work all year, scrape the money together, and come to my show. I’m worth it.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA. I love that even IN THIS ECONOMY, Madge is still a solid gold bitch to the 99%. But she does bring up a good point. Would you rather spend $300 on a leather bag you get to keep forever or do you want to spend $300 on watching a plastic bag thrust around a stage for 90 minutes. That's like a Sophie's Choice between a kitten and a Kardashian. But keep hustlin', Madge.
And here's Madge at a Super Bowl press conference today. If you're going to watch her halftime show, don't be surprised if a $300 charge shows up on your cable bill with the note: "I'm worth it. xo Madge".
Before you wonder how in the hell the guy on the left won a George Clooney look-alike contest in Ireland, I should remind you it's Ireland. They were all tanked! Get drunk, look at this picture and you'll see that he looks like George Clooney. Actually, he'd probably look more like Rosemary Clooney with a buzz cut, but close enough! - Videogum
Brad Pitt likes "cock" - Lainey Gossip
The word "career" should sue Lindsay Lohan for slander and defamation of character since bitch hasn't had one for a while - The Superficial
And Beyonce will slip Jennifer Aniston her surrogate's business card in 3..2.. - Celebitchy
Praise Christina Hendricks' magnificent chichis - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
It took me a few blinks to realize the one on the right isn't a Ginger Spice wax figure - Hollywood Tuna
Azealia Banks comes out as a lover of peen and poon - Towleroad
So much tragedy in a grey wool beanie - Popoholic
If I was Amanda Seyfried, I'd be more terrified about what Glamour did to my face on the cover - ICYDK
Take your pants off and get comfortable if a topless Chris Evans is your thing - Popsugar
Top Ramen noodles = Taylor Momsen's crunchy weave - Just Jared
More French peen - (NSFW) OMG Blog
But where is Cindy Snow? - SOW
Jeremy Piven looks different - I'm Not Obsessed
What is that strange clear liquid dripping out of my eye? - The Daily What
ANGRY SEAL ALERT - Hollywood Rag
And I've still seen some NYC apartments that are worse than this - Cityrag
Multi-millionaire supermodel Gisele Bundchen went to the e-mail room in her $20 million custom built dream mansion and wrote a note to her family and friends asking them to ask the lord above to help her multi-millionaire quarterback husband win his fourth Super Bowl ring on Sunday. The New York Post somehow got a hold of the e-mail (SPOILER ALERT: They prayed for it) and published it on their cover this morning:
My sweet friends and family,
This sunday will be a really important day in my husband’s life. He and his team worked so hard to get to this point and now they need us more than ever to send them positive energy so they can fulfill their dream of winning this super bowl . . .
I feel Tommy really needs our prayer, our support and love at this time.
So I kindly ask all of you to join me on this positive chain and pray for him, so he can feel confident, healthy and strong. Envision him happy and fulfilled experiencing with his team a victory this sunday.
Thank you for your love and support. Love, G :)”
What a selfish bitch. Doesn't Gis know that it's award season? It's God's busiest time of year, even busier than Christmas (side note: Does God call Christmas "Sonmas"?)! God doesn't have time to listen to Gis' family, because he's too busy sending "you're welcome" cards to all the actors and musicians who thanked him in their speeches. Oh, Gis.
But seriously, I would say a prayer for Tommy on Gis' behalf, but I've used up all my prayers today on a much more important matter. I've been praying that if the woman in this NSFW vintage news clip hasn't gotten what she was wishing for, that she gets it soon.
(Thanks to everybody who sent this in)
The "LEGGINGZ R NOT PANTZ" rant I usually let out every time pictures of Xtina wearing Spandex sausage casings come out will never be directed at CoCo, because she's doing good work by stuffing herself into a pair of leggings that make her crotch look like a half open ebony oyster. When you pair CoCo's precious pearl pocket with one of Peg Bundy's old outfits, miracles happen. As soon as CoCo's blessed camel toe galloped in front of that line, the dude with the "music" tattoo he obviously regrets had a tattoo-free arm and that dude on the left who sort of looks like the fourth place winner in a Dr. Phil look-alike contest no longer looked like the fourth place winner in a Dr. Phil look-alike contest (meaning his stache fell off).
I used to think that those thuribles the Catholic priests sway around had burning incense in them, but now I know that holy smoke is really CoCo queefs.
When the Carter family, I mean the other other Carter family, released a statement yesterday morning about the death of 25-year-old Leslie Carter, they were mute about the cause of her death. The Coroner isn't issuing an official cause of death until toxicology results come back, but a police report shows that she most likely died of an overdose.
ABC News says that Leslie's stepmother, Ginger Carter (that's a really hot name), told police that her stepdaughter was suffering from a mental illness and was taking medication for it. Leslie usually lives in Canada with her husband, but she brought her 10-month-old daughter with her to stay with family in upstate New York so she could kick her addiction to pills. Ginger says that on the morning of her death, Leslie slipped in the shower. Ginger helped Leslie into bed to lie down and when she checked up on her a few hours later, she wasn't breathing. Next to Leslie's bed were bottles of Olanzapine (for bipolar disorder), Cyclobenzaprine (a muscle relaxer) and Xanax.
The police report also says that Ginger Carter was messed up herself when they talked to her. Ginger was full on LOHAN. Ginger was slurring her words, had glassy eyes and kept falling asleep while talking to the cops. Ginger told the cops that she was so upset about Leslie's death that she took five or six Xanax. Ginger told police that she'll tell them more as soon as she sobers up. Why do I have a feeling that won't be anytime soon. Why do I also have a feeling that Ginger Carter looks like this?
And thy name is Nate Naylor.
I really hope that you have an eyeball on your chin so that you can read all about our modern day Adonis as you lick his picture. This perfect human man (not my words) is currently blessing Scarlett Johansson's double Mount Olympus chichis with his natural beauty and so People put up their magnifying glass to him to find out who he really is. It reads like a press release about him, written by him and he should really start a second career in writing Match.com profiles. Nate Naylor (pronounced: Nate Nail Her) is in the business of overselling shit (surprise, surprise) and works as an advertising executive in NYC.
Nate has a NSFWish Tumblr, dated Kristen Johnston for a quick minute, is an Arizona native and is so beautiful in person that looking at him is like looking at a unicorn made of marijuana dancing on top of a double rainbow over an In-N-Out. Basically, Nate always keeps fresh silk hankies in his pocket, because you will weep like it's the first time you've wept when you see his face up close.
This is the second fact from People's "What You Need To Know About Nate Naylor" list and it's the only thing you need to know about Nate Naylor:
2. He gets high praise from friends – for his work and looks
Naylor "is the most beautiful man I've ever seen in person," says fellow freelance creative director Lawson Clarke, who is known in the ad world as Male Copywriter. "He basically looks like Morrissey in his prime." But Naylor's not just another pretty face. "Bottom line is Nate's a great guy and really respected in the industry," adds Clarke, who has worked with Naylor multiple times. "Scarlett should be so lucky."
"Nate Naylor is the most beautiful man I've ever seen in person." - Lawson Clarke
"He basically looks like Morrissey in his prime." - Lawson Clarke
Nate Naylor should get both of those quotes tattooed on his ass and forehead, because those words will close all deals. I swear, Lawson Clarke is the greatest dick puller ever. Now I'm not saying that Nate Naylor ain't hot (because I'd hit it, duh), but I am saying that Lawson Clarke has only seen three men in person and the other two were Brian Peppers and Mimi in drag. So he's not lying.
When you've got the personality of McDonald's cow butt paste (RIP!) like Blake Lively does, you have to reach deep to pull out some interesting shit that won't' make the interviewer fall into an open-eyed coma. Blake went there during an interview with Elle Magazine and told them a million fascinating facts about herself like how many peens her vagina has sucked on and how she hopes to birth out a girl or a trans baby one day. That slight tingle in your brain is a "The More You Know" star shooting through the inside of your head:
On how her Fuck Club punch card only has four holes in it: “I’ve had four boyfriends in my whole life. I’ve never been with anyone that’s not a boyfriend. If I spend time with a man, it’s because there’s somebody that I know well who has been a friend for a while.“
On how she hopes to have a daughter or a son-to-daughter one day: “I hope to have a few girls one day. If not girls, they better be trannies. Because I have some amazing shoes and bags and stories that need to be appreciated.”
Yesterday GOOPY Paltrow said she thought Apple would be a butch lez and today Blake Lively is saying that she hopes she has a tranny. Tomorrow, Katherine Heigl is going to top all of those blonde bitches by saying, "Oh yeah, oh yeah, well I'm going to adopt a female-to-male tranny bull dyke! TOP THAT!"
Blake did use the word "trannies" and that's going to get her at least one open letter from GLADD, so that stretches this interview's 15 seconds of fame. Slow clap for you, girl.
And I know we should use this time together to figure out the four boyfriends Blake is talking about (SPOILER ALERT: Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Penn Badgleywhatever and who ever she had to fuck to get that short-term relationship contract with Leonardo DiCaprio), but instead I'm going to talk about what Elle did to her ass in these pictures. Who at Elle thought this shit looked sexy? Look at that picture above. Blake looks cold and hot at the same time. I can't really explain it, but that picture reminds me of when they pulled Baby Jessica out of the well. Baby Jessica was wet, confused, uncomfortable, scared and you didn't know whether she wanted a blanket or a fan. So I guess Elle was going for "sexy Baby Jessica." Just....WRONG.
Because Demi Moore is in rehab to curb her hunger for sucking on Reddi-wip cans and stalking Zac Efron, she had to quit her role as Gloria Steinem in the Linda Lovelace biopic starring Amanda Seyfried and James Franco. Sarah Jessica Parker saved the day at the last minute by trotting into the role and here she is in full Gloria Steinem drag on the set in Downtown L.A. yesterday. This is why only trained professionals who have apprenticed under Beyonce or RuPaul should be allowed to handle wigs, because I've seen a more natural-looking rayon mane on the head of the Bratz pony.
That hairball out of Kim Zolciak's mouth on SJP's head makes her look like an Asian Afghan Hound. I don't know what has more plastic in it, SJP's face or that wig. If this is SJP's way of trying to get fellow Afghan Hound Adrien Brody to sniff her ass, it's not going to work, but I give her credit for trying.
In what has to be one of the weirdest American traditions next to stabbing each other's faces off for a 10% off Xbox360 controller the day after Thanksgiving, hundreds pulled themselves out of bed to gather around Punxsutawney Phil's burrow hole in Pennsylvania to predict if we'll have six more weeks of whatever season we're in. The weather tells me that it's not winter, because I wore a t-shirt yesterday and didn't get frostbite to the nipples. This is like winter in hell. YAY for global warming! Let's all raise a can of Aqua Net and spray until the hole in the ozone layer spreads wider than a power bottom on DP Tuesdays at the bathhouse. Keep spraying until it's ten million degrees everywhere, we're all in our thongs we can't walk down the street without tripping over a seal.
Anyway, Punksatwatney Phil pulled his fat, lazy, works-one-day-a-year ass out of his burrow hole this morning and locked eyes with his shadow. Whatever. Phil doesn't know his asshole from his shadow. I would trust the weather prediction skills of a gerbil out of Richard Gere's burrow hole before I would ever trust Phil. We should just let Phil live his lazy life by letting him sleep in on February 2nd. Besides, Phil needs his rest, because in a couple of years, winter will not exist and the heat will bring him out of his burrow hole forever. Phil will have to shave his coat off and drag himself across the desert to bitch fight a seal for the last drop of water in a discarded Poland Springs bottle. On that note...
Happy Bill Murray Day, everyone!
And here's some pictures of Phil's Canadian third cousin, The Lesbeaver, shooting scenes for the all-girl remake of Gleaming the Cube in Miami yesterday.