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In case you forgot because your brain purged this information to make way for more important shit like the recipe for the perfect dream wedding cake, let me remind you of the foolery that went down between Sacha Baron Cohen and the Academy this week. To promote The Dictator, SBC planned to drag his poodle's ass beard onto the red carpet at the Oscars tomorrow. The producers of the Oscars shut down SBC's plans and said that he could come, but he had to dress as himself and not as his character. SBC fired a shot at the Oscars when he went on the Today Show as The Dictator and blasted their asses for banning his publicity stunt. Well, after all that shit, the producers have given into SBC's attention whoreist threats and are letting him stroll down the red carpet as The Dictator. The Dictator declared victory on his Twatter last night:

VICTORY IS OURS! Today the Mighty Nation of Wadiya triumphed over the Zionist snakes of Hollywood. Evil and all those who made Satan their protector were vanquished and driven into the Pacific Sea. What I am trying to say here is that the Academy have surrendered and sent over two tickets and a parking pass! TODAY OSCAR, TOMORROW OBAMA!

My mom said the other day that everybody should come to the Oscars dressed as their characters, because she doesn't recognize them when they're covered in fancy. That is a genius idea. Michelle Williams should come as Marilyn Monroe, Bryce Dallas Howard should come with a piece of shitty caca pie in her mouth, Glenn Close should come as the Irish Beavis, Jonah Hill should wear a fat suit and Michael Fassbender should just repeatedly come on the red carpet if you know what I mean.

But seriously, this stupid shit makes me miss the good old days when Bjork laid a swan egg on the red carpet. The Oscars should invite Bjork, so she can show all those amateur whores how a true STUNT QUEEN does it.

Lady Bienvenida Buck, a 55-year-old veteran gold digger who has earned the field of calluses on the bottom of her feet by social climbing all the way to the top of Liverpool's elite!

Lady Welcome A Buck is a two-time divorcee (her third husband died from cancer) who is solely famous for marrying for a buck. Basically. Lady Buck's first husband was Sir Antony Buck, a political type who was 30 years older than her. That married crumbled into dust when she had an affair with Sir Peter Harding, the Chief of Defense during the Gulf War. Apparently, Lady Buck destroyed Sir Peter's career when she told a tabloid all about the affair she had with him while they were still married. Lady Buck currently has two lovers (one married, one not married), but she's through with marriage and is focusing most of her time on politics.

The esteemed literary journal of EVERYTHING, The Daily Mail, profiled the lifetime achievement-winning gold digger, because she's considering running for Mayor of Liverpool. Lady Welcome A Buck spoke to the DM from her apartment in the MOST EXCLUSIVE part of Liverpool after she had her first breakfast glass of champagne (it makes her glow) at 11 in the morning. Lady Buck believes that she is what Liverpool needs since she's an international socialite who has humped on top political figures, and if the pussy could talk it would have one hell of a campaign speech. This is the shit that Lady Buck said when the DM asked her what she can do for Liverpool:

"I think that I could win. I am the voice of the young people of this city. I know a lot of influential people who could bring investment to Liverpool, I have very good connections.

I have travelled on Concorde hundreds of times and stayed in palaces. I have lived in Dallas, Texas and Dubai. I have met princes and have contacts with very powerful entities and governments. I live in a very secure, prestigious part of Liverpool, but here I like to travel by bus. I like to go out of my comfort zone to learn about this city. The people of Liverpool are kind and generous. I have lost my mobile phone three times and it has always been returned to me. The people here are hard workers. These are not lazy people, they are fighters. They deserve much better."

To recap: Lady Welcome A Buck would make a good mayor, because she's lived in Texas, has been on the Concorde, lives in a PRESTIGIOUS part of Liverpool and has screwed on very powerful men. Who do I have to fuck to become an official Liverpooler, because my life won't be complete until I vote for Lady Buck. Because Liverpool's political world definitely needs their own Countess LuAnn.

(For Tiana)

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