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You know how sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night with a heavy feeling of regret sitting at the pit of your stomach? Usually that feeling of regret has a lot do with the piece of Oreo pie you swallowed before bedtime, but when the producers of Boardwalk Empire wake up with that feeling tomorrow it will have everything to do with letting go of the most glamorous thing that has ever happened to their show. TVLine reports that Spaz de la Huerta is Spaz de la Muerte to the producers of Boardwalk Empire, because they have decided to not pick up her contract option for season 3. This is a direct slap to lip liner, which is a direct slap to beauty, which is a direct slap to us all!

Spaz's character ran away in the middle of season 2, but there was some hope that she'd return in all her glory. But a source type says that Spaz is heading directly for the exit door along with Michael Pitt, Dabney Coleman and Aleksa Palladino (SPOILER ALERT: They were all killed off during the season 2 finale.)

TVLine doesn't have any details as to why Boardwalk Empire evicted Spaz, but I'm sure that in a few days some "inside source" will say that she was difficult to work with. Spaz, difficult? That's a "NEVER" if I've ever heard one. So what if Spaz probably kept the crew waiting for hours because she was riding the ghost of Elvis in her trailer and refused to stop until the spirit of Graceland moved her to do so. So what if the costumers had to spend thousands of dollars cleaning Spaz's costume since she regularly sweat bronzer, whiskey and gutter water into them? So what if Spaz bit the cheek of the prop master, because he poured stage booze into her character's glass instead of real booze. Spaz is an artiste to the core and that's how they all are!

Spaz doesn't need that stupid HBO shit anyway. Now she can devote all her time to her real passion: slowly moisturizing the sexy onto her legs for the masses.

The official speaker of the House of Death Eaters was guest editor for the day at Metro's Paris office and that means you better curl around his pristine white shoes, because he's dropping words of 14 karat kunt wisdom about everything from Adele's voluptuousness to how Lana Del Rey is basically a beautiful singing breast implant. As Metro's interns went out into the wild to catch teenage models for Kunty Karl to kill the dreams of for lunch (it fills him more than eating every will), the former fatty turned HVIC (head vampire in charge) had some shit to say about all sorts of topics:

On the sedated animatronic mannequin Lana Del Rey and how Adele needs to chase the pavement until it leads her to a Jenny Craig: "I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She's not alone with implants."

On how the men in Russia offend his zombie eyes: "If I was a woman in Russia I would be a lesbian, as the men are very ugly. There are a few handsome ones, like Naomi Campbell's boyfriend, but there you see the most beautiful women and the most horrible men."

On M.I.A.'s middle finger: "Nowadays people give the middle finger quite quickly – it's not the best behavior. Everybody does that, what's new about that? It's just become a bad habit. People in magazines are 50% bimbo and 50% pregnant women."

On how Michelle Obama's face is made of magic: "Yes he does, especially because of Mrs. Obama. I'm a big fan of Mrs. Obama – and her face, I think, is magical. He would not be there without her. Mrs. Obama is not a fashion statement, but she has other things to do. My favorite thing about Mrs Obama was when she was asked if her skirt was not too tight and she answered "Why you don't like my big black ass?" I want [Barack] Obama to win because there is nothing better anyway, and especially because of her."

On how you will never find him in a voting booth unless a virgin maiden he happened to be chasing ran in there to hide: "I never voted in my life. I will never vote. I know too much about politics from what's going on backstage. To vote you have to believe all that garbage that they promise you, and they can't keep those promises. If someone gave me an Obama pin, I would just put it on."

So if you're walking through a dark alley in Paris late at night and you hear a German cackle rushing up behind you, you better hope that you're a fat, knocked up, Russian male bimbo whose middle finger is always erect, because Kunty Karl won't dare feed on your ass.

Speaking of Majela ZeZe Diamond, RiRi better have paid her a copyright license fee for taking her whole look - Hollywood Tuna

Michael Sheen and Rachel McAdams should get their arms surgically attached to each other since they literally are never not touching each other. (Those car pictures don't count, so don't pass that as evidence to the defense.) - Lainey Gossip

If in the near future an episode of The Voice looks vertically stretched Promise of a New Day-style, you now know why - The Superficial

Translation: Kim Kuntrashian has already fucked her way through the NFL and the NBA, and there's no one else to fuck. - Celebitchy

These pictures will look touching and special on the Shannon family mantel - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

You know you're a piece of trash when Harry Potter hates you - Towleroad

Miley Cyrus' "$20 for a blow, $30 for a lay" lot lizard look is not the look - Popoholic

At any moment of the day, you can tell yourself "James Franco is taking a picture of himself on his iPhone right now" and you'd be telling the truth - The Berry

From Teen Mom to Teen Prison Bitch - ICYDK

The full Avengers trailer is here - Just Jared

Alec Baldwin goes Tebowing - Popsugar

Introducing the favorite site of professional beard and cat lover Taylor Swift - OMG Blog

The Onion got another one - The Daily What

Oh, look, Whitney Houston is back to popping her doody bubbles with Ray-J's crooked dick - Crunk + Disorderly

Jacksone Rathboner is going to be somebody's father - I'm Not Obsessed

Scary Spice SANS FARDS - SOW

Give your pants to homeless kids since it's not like you wear them anyway, you slut! - Cityrag

I am getting Goddess Bunny vibes from this and not in a good way - Hollywood Rag

(Picture via Pacific Coast News)

If your pussy has its own religion, is worshipped by billions, has been nailed repeatedly and has received gifts from wise men, then this NSFW song from DJ Pillow Queen will speak to you and your pussy on a spiritual level. Majela ZeZe Diamond, come get DJ Pillow Queen, and together you can take the Gospel According to Pussy circuit by storm!

via Jezebel

PETA is holding a bucket of red paint with Liam Neeson's name on it, because he admitted that while shooting The Grey, he really got method by slurping on some wolf meat stew. The movie's director Joe Carnahan thought that the cast would really get into their roles as planewrecked oil workers battling against a wolf pack if they digested some wolf meat. Liam went with it and at a press conference for the movie he told us what White Fang tastes like:

"It was very gamey. But I'm Irish, so I'm used to odd stews. I can take it. Just throw a lot of carrots and onions in there and I'll call it dinner."

Note to you hos out there who can't fap unless there's a picture of Liam Neeson in front of you: Just throw a lot of carrots and onions on your genitals, and your fap dreams can come true!

Liam talking about eating wolf meat made its way into the ears of the full-time statement makers at PETA and so they obviously had something to say about it to The Guardian:

"Neeson's stance on kindness to animals is sorely out of step with the rest of the world," said Peta in a statement, insisting that wolves were in fact shy beasts unlikely to target humans rather than the predatory creatures seen in The Grey. The statement added: "Don't just shy away. Run away from The Grey."

Peta also criticised Carnahan for allegedly ordering wolf carcasses from a trapper for use in the film. "Many animals caught in traps chew off their own limbs in order to escape," said spokeswoman Jane Dollinger. "These animals go on to die of gangrene or other secondary infections, sometimes leaving nursing puppies abandoned to fend for themselves."

Wolf carcasses aside, PETA is just being PETA yet again. They've earned so many STUNT QUEEN crowns that they're going to need a wider head to fit them all. Swallowing a glob of wolf meat is wrong, but swallowing a glob of chicken, cow, pig or turkey meat isn't? Besides, how does PETA know that Liam didn't go full method by surviving by himself in the snowy wilderness for weeks and catching wolves to eat with his bare hands, because that's possible. But Liam and Joe should still try to get back in PETA's good graces by pulling the movie from theaters and reshooting it entirely with Shaun Ellis playing every wolf.

And of course, to get into character, Liam's gonna need to eat some Shaun Ellis and I don't mean that in a cannibal kind of way (wink wink). Do they make carrot-flavored lube?

Randy Travis was shuffled off to the drunk tank in Sanger, Texas at around 1 this morning after the cops ruined his buzz by catching him guzzling from a wine bottle while sitting in his car which was parked in front of a baptist church. If you put a banjo and a sprinkle of twang on that last sentence, it really would sound like a country song. As soon as Randy Travis smears some lip chap on those crackle lips (Seriously, couldn't the cops have given Randy a dollop of Vaseline for his mug shot moment?), he should write that song.

NBCDFW says that someone called the police to complain about a suspicious-looking vehicle parked in front of the church. The cops answered the call and found Randy sitting in his car. When Randy rolled the window down, the cops practically got tanked from inhaling his 100 proof wine breath. Randy had an open bottle of wine on his lap, so the cops killed his car party for one and dragged him to jail. Randy was booked on public intoxication and dried out in the tank for a few hours before he was released.

Who hasn't been arrested for getting drunk on the blood of christ in front of a church? But the thing is, Randy Travis lives in some town called Tiogra, which isn't far from where the cops got his ass. So why wasn't Randy getting plastered under his carport like all the Texans I know? Let's hope that Randy learned a valuable lesson from this. The lesson being that when a trick you met from Grindr (or Craigslist, or from calling a number you found scribbled in front of a urinal in a truck stop bathroom) tells you to meet them in front of the baptist church with a bottle of Chateau Diane, tell them to come to your carport instead!

No, seriously, I had this friend in L.A. who never let the tricks he met online come into his house. He'd meet them in front and then take them into the garage. They'd do their thing on an old futon and then he'd kick them out. His reasoning was that he was too lazy to go to their house and he didn't want them to come inside his just in case they were thieves. He'd tell them that his dog didn't like strangers. So there's your Ho Shit tip of the day! Hopefully, it goes from my blog to Randy's eyes.

There is an area in Griffith Park where you can take the kiddies for a train ride. A certain actor used to enjoy taking men for another kind of ride in the same area. He would cruise the park, pick up a guy, and then hook up with them in his car. The really ironic thing here is that the actor is so religious that when he was a teen heartthrob (a couple of decades ago) he used to insist that any dialogue that was even the slightest bit sexual or profane be removed from his lines because they violated his sense of decency. He’s all grown up now – and still cruises for guys – but we’re sure his wife really appreciates what a moral man she married. (Blind Gossip)

The Prop 8-loving, gay marriage hating homophobe crazy that is Kirk Cameron? Please oh please let a future cover of The National Enquirer have one of Kirk's tricks on it with the headline: "Kirk Cameron Sucked My Growing Pain." It's the gift my 2012 needs.

He is a B list actor. Good looking. Generally television and very well known. His wife is probably a C list actress who used to be bigger a few years ago but has struggled with drugs for some time. So has our actor. The two of them are probably not your best candidates for parenthood in the first place and the stress of being parents while also trying to save their marriage and stay off drugs has not worked well. The mom is currently taking Adderall to lose weight and when that was not working to get rid of her pregnancy weight she turned to coke too. She wants to get back in movies but is too lazy to exercise so prefers the drug route. Although she has not snorted coke while breastfeeding she did snort coke while holding a bottle for her baby. Close enough? Oh and she dos breastfeed because she heard it will make her lose weight faster. As for dad? When he is not working on his show he is generally partying and drinking. He feels like if he can drink enough at night it keeps him off coke. He went to rehab for crack and tries to stay away from coke. Just booze for him although he is not above doing a little coke when he and his wife have friends over. Yes, while the child(ren) are in the house. (CDAN)

Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart? If this is them, then The Noxzema Girl should not go back to acting in movies when it's obvious that her true calling is writing books for moms who are trying to juggle their baby in one hand and their coke straw in the other. Gayheart proves that you can be a devoted mother and a huge coke whore at the same time. You can have it all. White Oprah can write the foreword.

Which C list film actress from a popular franchise, just got a tattoo (while she was completely wasted) on her inner thigh that says “Great Wall of Vagina?" (BuzzFoto)

Ashley Greene and I'm sure she got it a while ago when she was with Joe Jonas to match the "Great Wall of Mangina" tattoo on one of his ass lips.

As Gisele Bundchen did the walk of sadness through the stadium after her husband Tom Brady lost out on his tenth million Super Bowl ring and a bonus that was going to pay for a water slide in his $20 million mansion (Tom Brady is not weeee-ing today. Sadface.gif.), some Giants fans heckled her ass by saying that Eli Manning owned her husband. Instead of telling her haters that Tom gets to go home and dry his losing tears on the chichis of a Brazilian supermodel, she complained to her friends that the blame goes to her husband's teammates. The Insider (via Hollywood Life) posted the video that I'm sure is going to convince the owners of the Patriots to fire all the coaches and hire Gis instead! This is the subtle stream of bitchery that slipped out of Gis' mouth:

"My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can't believe they dropped the ball so many times."

Somebody told me that since Tom has been with Gis, he's been 0-2 and he was on some kind of winning streak before that. So GINXELLE needs to blame herself. No, no, Gis really needs to blame God for this. Gis used the Catholic prayer tool known as the chain mail to get God on Team Pats and she was shut down. So Eli Manning didn't own Tom Brady, God did when he hit the "return to sender" button on all those prayers.

These trendy LA gay bars. OK, you use the Avril Latrine, I'll be in the Catherine Zeta John. - TexnDoc

Runners-up:

Another day, another endorsement deal for a Kardashian. - sonah22

I am sensing that you are here for a reason...you carry a certain instinctual desire.....come, sit upon my cauldron and release all your burdens....I will wipe away all your fears...and for $20 I will examine your asparagus. - Half.Mexican.Wonder

via Picture Is Unrelated

Aberdeen, the Australian Shepard Mix who was the breakout star of Puppy Bowl VIII and was robbed of Most Valuable Puppy! If you watched hours of the Puppy Bowl with your head hanging upside down over the sofa with a Tostito in your mouth, like I did, then you know that Aberdeen was the bright shining star of the Puppy Bowl and deserves the MVP trophy chew toy. Aberdeen scored at least four touchdowns and made the play of the game (see below) by running down the entire field without stopping to hump the defense, piss on the wall or lick his own ass. My dog would've been impressed but he was too busy falling into his 67th nap of the hour while licking his own ass.

But a serious crime against PUPMANITY!!! was committed when MVP went to 9-week-old Fumble, a chihuahua mix who probably scored only two points and spent most of the game taking a nap. There's no napping in pupball. Aberdeen knows what I'm talking about.

You know, the ref (I don't trust that bitch) and Fumble were likethis during the whole game, so something in the milk was RIGGED. Somebody needs to open up an investigation into this.