Due to the Botoxalypse on Nicole Kidman's forehead, all the wrinkles in her face have fled and have since settled on her hand. And don't you feel like there should be a poison apple in that prune claw instead of a delicious cupcake? - Lainey Gossip
This vapid, irrelevant, stupid piece of dumb whore trash can't be serious - Celebitchy
Flashing an East Village punk is all in a day's work for Shalom Harlow - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
80s surf pants are back and using Cheryl Cole's legs to terrorize us - Hollywood Tuna
Is that chair inflatable or it just melting from coming into contact with ASkars' butt cheeks? - The Superficial
No, Rachel Maddow will not tell you how many peens have passed through her pearly gates - Towleroad
JLove is still selling that Client List crap - Popoholic
The Kardashians should try braiding their mouths shut next - The Berry
A dress wearing Lily Collins - ICYDK
Can Katie Holmes leave dressing like a 5-year-old to her 5-year-old? - Popsugar
RiRi got a new weave - The Daily What Gossip
HILARIA: It's not only the name of Alec Baldwin's new fiancee, but it's also the best word to describe this entire situation - Just Jared
Having seen Jason Biggs' ball sack on his wife's Twitter, I'm not exactly surprised to hear this - OMG Blog
This is what happened when Big Gay Al wet farted on Nicki Minaj - Crunk + Disorderly
The trailer for Nippy's last movie is here - I'm Not Obsessed
Proof that Jack & Jill is, was and will always be the worst - SOW
Snatching a man's catch - Hollywood Rag
Carrie Underwears and a mic: a love story - Cityrag
Before you get into this news story directly from the "I Can't Believe It's Not Florida!" files, just assume that everyone involved was high on some kind of bad shit at the time. Everyone from the mohawked lady to the shooter to the cats were definitely messed up on something (mostly, the drug that is stupidity).
49-year-old Derrill Rockwell of Grand Junction, Colorado was on the lookout for a bitch bird with a red mohawk who had been terrorizing his cats. Derrill was out to git that flying debul and when he spotted the tip of a red mohawk on a hilltop about 90 feet away from his house, he pulled out his 22-caliber rifle and shot at it. Derrill was surprised that the next sound to hit his ears wasn't a single chirp followed by a thud. Derrill heard the sound of a human moan. When he went over to the hill to investigate, he found a 23-year-old woman with a head wound. THAT DUMB CRAZY SHOT HER ASS! Derrill mistook her red mohawk for the red mohawk on his arch rival. Police say that the woman was passed out in a drunken coma at the time she was shot. They also found a bag of meth nearby. The woman was not severely injured and she disappeared after her injuries were treated at the hospital.
The dumbass shooter was charged with felony possession of a weapon by a prior offender. Derrill was banned from using a gun in 1995 after he was convicted of robbery. Derrill pleaded guilty to the felony possession of a weapon charge in court last week and was sentenced to five years probation.
Meanwhile, guess who's still at large?
Dumb bitches with guns: 0
Pussy-terrorizing birds with red mohawks: ALL THE POINTS!
via Boing Boing
Here's mutha greeter, hamburger entrepreneur and one-man terrorist killing machine Marky Mark taking a break from shooting a Michael Bay movie (or does a Michael Bay movie shoot you? I'm confused.) in Florida to do a little pap watching on his hotel balcony. It's been much too long since I've been in awe of Marky's gloriously succulent rack. Marky's man tits truly get better with age. Don't you just want to throw some unbleached flour on Marky's pectoral dough mounds and knead them until they rise so high that their nipples are kissing his chin? I bet that when you order a bread basket in a restaurant in heaven, Marky shows up with his chichis sitting in a basket. No butter needed!
I was going to make a joke about the anal beads around Marky's neck, but making that joke in the presence of his holy Catholic pecs would be sacrilegious.
I am temporarily interrupting your eyes' ride of ecstasy on Wayne Newton's veal parmesan face to bring you these pictures of Eddie Squintbrian and Falcor Rimes starring in The Neverending Whoring at last night's Academy of Country Music Awards in Las Vegas. Eddie and LeAnn were cheesing it up for the cameras like there's one spot left on InTouch Weekly's cover and it's printing day. In the span of just a few minutes, these two whores started a pregnancy rumor, burned retinas by kissing and then LeAnn flared her teeth like a buck-toothed pony doing Liz Lemon doing Julia Roberts' cackle. There are a million reasons to hate on Eddie and LeAnn (example: making you hate Equus for putting ideas into Eddie's head), but you can not deny their red carpet whore game.
Although, LeAnn should've toned down that laugh a bit. The last time I saw a malnourished creature maniacally neigh like that, it was in a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie and it ended with the farmer sadly telling his young son that his "pal" has gone crazy and needs to go to "the farm" to get some "sleep."
And wearing that dress is only okay if you're a back-up dancer at the club where Kate Capshaw performed in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
I was in the middle of putting together an Academy of Country Music Awards post when, like a ouija board whose sole job is to direct me to pleasures, my mouse moved my hand to the only pictures from the ACMs any of us need today. Who cares about bland, unflavored gelatin bitches like Taylor Squint and Carrie Underwears when the real loin-quiverers at last night's show were: Wayne Newton and Carrot Top! Your eyes are saying NO and your weak stomach is saying WHY?, but I know your nipples are saying YES!
The supervisor of the ACM seat fillers couldn't even tell you why Fig Newton and Carrot Bottom were there last night and truthfully, I don't need to know. I'm just happy that we're all starting this week right with pictures of Wayne looking like his face is eating his eyes and Carrot looking like an over-inflated Jackie Stallone blow-up doll.
First, I get Betty Draper in a fat suit and now I'm getting Wayne Newton looking like a Wayne Newton wax figure made from a Kim Jong-Il clay statue, leftover skin from Liza Minnelli's last face lift and the eyes from a taxidermied raccoon? The only way this week could be better is if Frito Lay announces the triumphant return of Ranch Fritos!
Anne V's belly button is breathing a sigh of relief, because it will no longer get hit with a load of Adam Levine's douche chowder when he practices his fool-proof birth control method by pulling out. Anne V tells E! News that Adam Levine has pulled out of her for a final time and they're done FOREVER! I know, the cherubs are pulling out arrows to shoot themselves in the heart, because a rock star breaking up with a model tells us that the sanctity of marriage is a falsity! This is the statement Anne V shot into E! News the same way Adam's peen shoots into a hotel towel:
"Adam and I have decided to separate in an amicable and supportive manner. We still love and respect each other as friends. I wish him all the best."
Anne V went on to say, "But I won't miss holding in a queef FOR MY LIFE every time his stupid ass pulls out really fast."
Even though Anne V is the epitome of grace and demureness (Exhibit: EVERYTHING), she can not compete with the true holder of Adam Levine's heart:
Oh yes, that's Blake Shelton saying "He doesn't pull out with me, hunty!" with his eyes and pucker. So try not to fall over in shock when Blake eventually announces he's quitting his wife Miranda Lambert. Although, Blake should divorce Miranda for the sole fact that she has huge chunky lowlights in her hair and the year is not 2001.
Here's Blake dreaming of Adam while giving his trophy a dry handy at the Country Music Awards last night.
Bruce Willis' girl wife Emma Heming birthed out his fifth child (if you including Ashton) yesterday and because he's destined to live a life where he's always walking into a bathroom in his house to find dirty period panties drying on the towel rack (I grew up in a house full of woman, so been there.), she had a girl! Bruce's spokeswhore released this statement to People about his fourth daughter:
The Die Hard actor and Heming, a designer-model, "are overjoyed about the newest member of their family. Both mother and baby are healthy and doing beautifully," says the rep.
Weighing 9 lbs., 1 oz., Mabel Ray is the first child for the couple, who have been married for three years.
MABEL RAY WILLIS?!!! I love that Bruce and Emma named their kid after an 83-year-old memaw who works the cash register at a discount liquor store and became a local star when she pulled a rifle on a news reporter who wanted to talk to her about the jankem lab she runs in the bathroom of the abandoned gas station she squats in. Rumer, Scout, Tallulah and Mabel Ray sound like the members of a gang of bumbling girl outlaws in an old timey western movie. A Knott's Berry Farm mess.
And yes, I read the "9 lbs. 1 oz" part and wondered if half of that weight belongs to Mabel Ray's chin.
When Variety pushed out the news yesterday that the piece of mutant dick cheese known as Ashton Kutcher is going to play Steve Jobs in an indie biopic, everyone assumed that the first of April was just yanking the Internet's dick one last time. But it's the morning after and Variety still hasn't dropped a J/K on our asses. It's true and now the Apple fanboys can officially shit out their iButtplugs over this mess.
AssStain will follow-up his multi-layered emotional performances in New Year's Eve and No Strings Attached with the Steve Jobs biopic called JOBS, which starts shooting this May. Jobs will be directed by Joshua Michael Stern and it will follow Steve Jobs' road to Apple and beyond. Sony is currently working on their own Steve Jobs biopic.
If you ask Siri why the ground above Steve Jobs' grave is mulching itself today, she will bring up this story before playing "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" on your iTunes. I know Ashton looks like a young Steve Jobs in the face, but so does my weekend weed man and he didn't get cast in this shit. Was Noah Wylie (aka the only movie Steve Jobs we need in this world) not available or something?!
But this isn't totally bad news, though. If this mess doesn't go straight to Flash and actually gets a marketing budget, it will have posters in the subway. Think of all the beautiful things you can write over Ashton's face with a Sharpie in front of the word JOBS.
The new female Viagra. Side effects include: diarrhea; dizziness; flushing; headache; heartburn; stuffy nose; the sudden urge to pull a train. - burpfartsneeze
Hmmm an old white guy riding on a completely plastic horse's ass: Bruce Jenner? - flea watch
Entering their golden years, SJP lost interest in sex. But she bought Matthew a plastic surrogate, and he was none the wiser. - Tyroan
This economy has even affected Santa and Mrs. Clause. - Heggie
via Nick Holmes
Lilli, the calf in Switzerland who has become an international celebrity superstar thanks to the extra pair of legs hanging out of her side. Lilli has two legs up on all those bitches! When Lilli was born with a rare genetic disorder at a Swiss milking farm seven weeks ago, her vet figured it was only a matter of time before they'd be forced to send her to Jesus, but she grew stronger as the days went on and now she's headed for a zoo instead of the steak-making house.
Lilli's vet thinks that the two extra legs hanging out of her are from her unborn conjoined twin. So Lilli's sibling will always be with her, kicking her in the damn side every time she runs. Because of a curve in her spine, Lilli will never be a milking cow, but her farmer hopes to find a new home for her. Farmer Andreas told a paper in Switzerland, "I do not want to get rid of her. Perhaps we will find a zoo for her."
Couldn't they just pour a little A1 on Lilli's extra legs and get Jessica Simpson to gnaw them off? Or they couldn't they just surgically remove them and turn them into spare leg soup? Well, if they did that, then they wouldn't be able to milk coins out of Lilli anymore. Poor Lilli, treated like a regular Kowdashian.
On the bright side, if Lilli's spare legs kick in her sleep, she'll forever be untippable.