Brit Brit as an X-Factor judge sort of makes sense, because think of all the ad dollars from Starbucks, Frito-Lay and Taco Bell she'll bring in, and if she goes off the script that her puppet handlers will feed into her ear during the live shows, she could be entertaining. Like watching a trailer full of blond weave tracks slowly tumble down an embankment. But Demi Lovato?! Chaka Khan practically threw herself at Simon Cowell for the job and he gives it to a trick who is probably known by most of the world as, "?????????" Hell, Chaka could've pulled off her hair, dropped it into the judge's chair and it still would make a better judge than Demi Lovato. Seeing these four trollops judge a singing competition together is either going to be as awkwardly stiff as visiting your boyfriend in the mental hospital the morning after he had a nervous breakdown in a gay bar (true story) or it's going to be a glorious disaster.
Simon Cowell confirmed all the rumors at the FOX Upfronts in NYC today by officially announcing Brit Brit and Demi as Paul Abdul and Nicole Scherwhatever's replacements. Brit Brit's conservators will make $15 million from this and maybe give her a $20 a week as allowance. Demi will probably be paid in a validated parking pass and a $5 lunch voucher for the cafeteria.
In all seriousness, we shouldn't be surprised by Simon's choices, because what do you expect from a grown man who combs his hair so it looks like he's got a hairy butt on his head. I really hope John Travolta tries to fuck Simon's hair.
Here's a few pictures from Upfronts today and it's nice to see that Brit Brit still has a special way with making a $5,000 designer dress look like some shit from Rainbow.
Here's Kristen Stewart teaching the children why we have a middle finger at the London premiere of Snow White and the Huntsman tonight. Something tells me that three seconds before this picture was taken, Charlize Theron told Kristen that even if she stuffed that dress into a bong, she still wouldn't toke it up and that's saying everything. Chris Hemsworth agrees! That doesn't look like a dress on Kristen's body, that looks like ceiling mold found in a hoarders house. Kristen needs to take that middle finger and direct it at the ho who told her that making her chest look like it's slowly being eaten by a black fungus IS the look. Bitch looks like Gozer the Gozerian's slow cousin who sniffed too much paint thinner as a child. I know Kristen Stewart has the personality of a corpse, but that doesn't mean she has to look like a decaying corpse on the outside. And throwing sparkles on it doesn't magically make it the look.
On a positive note, Charlize looks hot as usual. On another positive note, I'm sure at least a couple of children at the premiere now know how to properly flip a trick off and that is a beautiful thing.
While most of us celebrated Mother's Day yesterday, Kim Kuntrashian celebrated Dress As Your Pimp Day! - Hollywood Tuna
Jessica Biel gracefully busts out a not-so-subtle "Oh, I'm just going to casually touch my face to show off my huge diamond engagement ring while kissing on Justin Timberlake" pose for the cameras - Lainey Gossip
Tan Mom and the Hot Dog Hooker should do a very special Mothers of the Year issue of Playboy Chernobyl - The Superficial
Olympic Panty Creamers of the Day - The Berry
Sienna Miller brings her unborn baby to RPattz's birthday party - Celebitchy
Joanna Johnson from Bold and the Beautiful comes out publicly as a gayelle - Towleroad
Yeah yeah yeah, Christina Hendricks' magnificent chichis are peeking out, but for why is she dressed like the madam of a vampire brothel circa 1999? - Popoholic
There is TOO much here to comment, so I'll just say in the wise words of Aunt Bunny: GURRRRRRL PLEASE! - Crunk + Disorderly
Well, it was either "Mary Jane" or "Chocolate Dick Cake" - ICYDK
Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs looks like Ashton Kutcher as Ashton Kutcher in a turtleneck - Popsugar
That time Kelly Ripa's husband twerked his nalgas as a stripper - OMG Blog
SMUG has a new anthem - Just Jared
Mensa's youngest member is smart enough to know that sitting on a toilet is more fun than sitting on the Today Show couch - Videogum
Lindsay Lohan has got the "hungover middle-aged mom going to cash her child support check at 7-Eleven to pay for her Fix-A-Flat lips" look down - Hollywood Rag
Glee trades one basic ass blonde (see: Fishsticks) for another (see: Kate Hudson) - I'm Not Obsessed
Two questions: Who makes that birfday cake and can I get a human-sized one for my birfday? - Cityrag
Pucks with iPhones - SOW
In case you didn't already know that sitting your drunk ass on a flimsy metal window awning is a bad idea that will end with you splitting your butt bone in two on the concrete, here's a girl sitting her drunk ass on a flimsy metal window awning before Darwin pulls the lever and cackles she falls to the ground. The guy who uploaded this video to YouTube says that despite the fact drunk girl pretty much broke her ass (there goes her social life), she is okay! Sadly, it doesn't look like the beer survived the fall. R.I.P. beer. We never got to taste you, but we still love you and will never forget you.
Brandi Glanville recently told NW Magazine, in so many words, that if murdering the life out of a luckdragon didn't automatically get you a life sentence in the Ivory Tower, she would've killed Falcor Rimes a long time ago. Brandi said that the kids at her son's soccer game almost witnessed two plastic praying mantises with fake tits go at it after she strolled onto the field and caught LeAnn Rimes having a sweet bonding experience with her son. Brandi knew how Bridget Fonda felt in Single White Female, because there was LeAnn Rimes with her son, her old husband and her current tits. Brandi nearly stabbed a trick in the eye with stiletto:
"I remember walking up . . . and there she was with my baby in her lap. My blood was boiling, and I thought I was going to kill her. I really thought I was going to physically hurt her. That was the first time I saw her that way--she was sitting in my soccer chair, under my tent, she's got my kid on her lap and she's with my husband, and that was that little moment of total irrational fury."
Brandi says that she's never going to make LeAnn a friendship bracelet, but LeAnn gets along with her boys and that's all she really cares about. However, a source close to LeAnn (aka the full-time fanfiction writer LeAnn hired to stretch Brandi's quote to fuckery proportions for maximum exposure) tells Celebuzz that Brandi regularly threatens to turn her into weave glue and LeAnn hasn't been this scared since one of her stepsons threw a rubber snake at her hooves. The source says that LeAnn is thinking of taking a restraining order out against that crazy bitch:
“Brandi has told LeAnn to her face multiple times that she would kill her if she could. LeAnn is scared of Brandi and believes she is unstable. LeAnn’s own mother is concerned for her daughter’s safety too and regularly calls her to tell her so.”
Stupid dramatic bitches being stupid dramatic bitches. Brandi knows exactly what to say to get space in UsWeekly and the only hos LeAnn is taking a restraining order out against are the Four Wind Giants for trying to mess with her while she's flying through Fantastica. But you better believe LeAnn is going to use this to her advantage. LeAnn wasn't going to eat that plate of food anyway, but now she's really not going to eat that plate of food in case Brandi dropped poison in it. And LeAnn was going to call the paparazzi anyway, but now she's really going to call them so they can get photographic evidence if Brandi tries to run her over. LeAnn might've been diagnosed as "lame" by the farm where she was born, but she ain't dumb!
I know, when my eyes scan that cover the only thing I read is "John Travolta...pause...Loving Beautiful Men".
John Doe #1's case against John Travolta is quickly turning into the Battlefield Earth of sexual harassment lawsuits. It's a mess. First, John Doe #1 said "LOL JK ABOUT THAT DATE" and now he's off looking for another lawyer, because his first one dropped him for reasons unknown. So while John Doe #1 holds on the line for Larry H. Parker, John Doe #2's case is still on and will soon be heard by a private judge during a private mediation session. Radar says that John Doe #2's lawyer and Travolta's lawyer both agreed that it's best if they get messy in private. Radar's source put it like this:
"Marty Singer, and Okorie Okorocha have spoken and both are working on the ground rules for the evidence and procedure about how the mediation will proceed, and that process could take 1-2 months. This is commonly done before formal mediation begins. Both sides will agree to keep all transcripts sealed, as well as all witness statements, depositions, etc. The lawsuit will be heard by a private judge, who will decide how much money if any the accuser will receive. All of the proceedings will be strictly confidential, but make no mistake, this will be a dog fight, that will take place out of the public forum. This is done for a plethora of reasons, mainly, this will allow the masseur's identity from being made public, and it would just be a media circus if it did go to trial This will be the best way for the case to be heard with minimal disruption to John Travolta and the masseur's life."
Minimal disruption? They do realize that if John Travolta's in the room, every time they read the details of the alleged groping, his butt will lift up off the chair and his back coochie will start growling while rubbing itself up against the door frame. John's assistant will have to settle it down by poking it with a Q-Tip while spraying it with barley water. That's going to happen a lot. But seriously, the only reason why John wants to keep this private is because he doesn't want anyone staring at him when he pulls out a rolled-up wad of settlement money and tells John Doe #2 to "come and get it" before he gently shoves it up his love tunnel.
When TMZ said that someone is trying to sell a 45 minute-long jack off tape starring Tyson Beckford, horny whores from all around laid down the tarp, stocked up on lube, Saran Wrapped their mouse and made sure the credit card they use only for porn sites has enough room on it to buy this shit when it comes out. But Tyson said on Twitter that it's not that serious and everyone can pull up their chonies, because the tape is not worth your fapping energy.
TMZ says that the tape is of Tyson handjobbing himself during a webcam chat with a lady model. In between squeezing his peen, Tyson bitches about always being mistaken for Tyrese and talks about some of his co-stars. Tyson tweeted (and then deleted) about his solo sexy times tape yesterday:
Tyson went on Twitter yesterday to address the issue with fans ... saying he's "sad but life goes on."
"Don't even faze me" ... Tyson added ... "We all do it, just mine got caught on film."
He also admitted, "Not much of a sex tape lol."
Who cares if Tyson's sex tape is nothing but him yanking at his dick while saying through clenched teeth "I am not Tyrese dammit, I am not Tyrese dammit" over and over again? Who cares if Tyson's unpruned crotch shrub is going to distract us from the hand-on-dick action? Who cares if it's suspiciously suspect that Tyson's fap tape is mysteriously making the rounds just weeks before his reality shit show comes out? Who cares if Tyson's dumb ass didn't think to promote his reality show in his fap tape by using anal beads (with "The Choice, this summer on FOX" written on each bead) on himself? Who cares about any of that? The only thing I care about is whether or not Tyson's self-love tape is coming out before or after OctoMom's, because we're going to need a palate cleanser.
Psychologists have always said that the most therapeutic way of dealing with your marriage flatlining is to air out all your chapped emotions on the back alley clothesline that is reality TV. So that's why on an episode of Jennie Garth: A Little Bit Of Country, Kelly Taylor wept her feelings out during a group therapy session with some of her girlfriends. The clip is over at People and if you watch it you'll know it was a SERIOUS group therapy session, because they're sitting on a rug while surrounded by floor pillows. A group of women + floor pillows = the purging of real emotions. Someone should make a Tumblr about that.
Kelly Taylor tells the floor pillow therapist that after the vampire doctor from Twatlight and the douche doctor from Nurse Jackie left her, she blamed herself for not being good enough for him:
"I think with any sort of rejection, you're angry that you weren't enough for that person. So I don't know if I'm angry at myself for not being enough, or if I'm angry at him for not considering me to be enough.
This really threw me for a loop. It's weird and sad, but I really realized through this whole experience how much I loved him, how deeply I loved him and how deeply I loved us."
Is Kelly Taylor really saying that she's not good enough for a bitch who was in Twatlight? She's not good enough for a dude who covered his face in body glitter and baby powder for a check?! Kelly needs to look in the mirror and tell herself that she's the most popular girl at West Bev, drives the most pristine red BMW convertible and can buy any blazer at Judy's, even the ones not hanging on the sale rack. Then Kelly needs to steal another one of Brenda Walsh's pieces. I will forever be on Team Brenda, but I understand when a ho needs to snatch a bitch away to prove to herself that she's still got it. I know, I give such wonderful pro-feminist advice. I should have my own floor pillow therapy sessions.
Starting last night, every network slungshot themselves from California to NYC to officially present all of next season's shiny new shows. And to make way for their new hos, they had to strangle the life out of some of their old shows and some shows that lasted about as long as it takes for John Travolta's hungry Scientolohole to start begging for a finger bang after a massage starts. Some cancellations aren't going to bring on a chorus of pearl clutching (I'm looking at you, Ringer), but some are kind of surprising. I mean, how could they do that to Missing? Is Ashley Judd ever going to find her son or is she going to run around Europe while screaming "I AM A MOM, LOOKING FOR HER SON!" for the rest of damn eternity.
Anyway, put on your mourning veil and pour out some of your morning 40 oz. for all the shows that are now lying in the morgue.
ABC: GBC, The River, Missing, Pan Am, Work It, Man Up, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and Charlie's Angels
NBC: Are You There, Chelsea?, Awake, Bent, Best Friend's Forever, Harry's Law, The Firm, Prime Suspect, Playboy Club, Who Do You Think You Are and Free Agents
CBS: CSI: Miami (click here to enter David Caruso's one liner In Memoriam), Gifted Man, How To Be A Gentleman, Unforgettable, Rob and NY 22
FOX: Terra Nova, Alcatraz, Breaking In, The Finder, I Hate My Teenage Daughter and Allen Gregory
The CW: Ringer, The Secret Circle and H8R
30 Rock and Gossip Girl will have their last seasons next season, Community was banished to Fridays with Whitney and Glee has been moved to Thursdays. Yeah, fuckery all abound!
The only show whose coffin I'm throwing my body on is GCB. GCB was a total copy+paste of Desperate Housewives, but it blessed my holy Sundays with what I really need to go on: MAN NIPPLES. In almost every episode of GCB, at least one dude character went topless and showed me the face of Jesus in his nipple holes. ABC can suck on a cold dick for that one and they can suck on another cold dick ("Who do I see about changing my name to ABC?" - John Travolta) for not picking up that Devious Maids mess with Susan Lucci in it. So no only is ABC keeping us away from man nipples, but they're also keeping us away from Susan Lucci's glamorously wooden acting. That is some dark-sided sinful shit.
What you see when you black light the bathroom after a Kardashian has been in there. - lovelylaney
The Incontinent - Hulk
This is why you shouldn't flush Sea Monkeys once you're bored with them. - Jintess
Mrs. Ronson: "Samantha, come eat your greens!" The start of it all. - OurMissC
via Poorly Dressed