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Seen here licking up the dollar signs that regularly blow out of Pimp Mama Kris' ass at Ellen K's Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony last week, Ryan Seacrest is moving out of his Hobbit cottage and into a gigantic ass estate that's almost bigger than his home village of Hobbiton in the Shire. Both the Hollywood Reporter and TMZ say that Ryan is now the proud owner of Ellen Degeneres' $49 million compound. It's the estate that the Kuntrashians and American Idol bought!

TMZ is hearing that Ryan is paying only a couple million dollars below asking, but a different source tells THR that Joel McHale's littlest arch rival is paying far from asking. It doesn't matter if Ryan paid with a giant pot of gold or with an adorable leprechaun jig, he's still calling three acres in Beverly Hills "home." On the three acres is a 9,200-square-foot mansion, a 3-bedroom house, 2 guest houses and a pool that Ryan may drown in if he forgets to wear his water wings. Ellen bought the place in 2007 for $29 million and spent five years and several million dollars building the other properties on the estate. Ellen listed it a year ago for $60 million but later reduced that shit to $49 million. Real estate agent Kurt Rappaport worked out the deal for both Ellen AND Ryan, so if you're related to him now is the time to ask for a loan you won't pay back.

This is a big estate for such a tiny man boy, but Ryan needs the room! The goats he sacrifices to Lucifer to keep the Kuntrashians on top of the whore chain will stay in one house, his beards will stay in another and he and his relatives will use the third house to make the delicious Fudge Stripe cookies we all love. But seriously, screw Ryan for this. Ryan infected humanity with the oozing, pus-filled ass wart that is the Kuntrashians and this is how he's punished? With a multi-million dollar palace? I hope that every time he shuts his tiny eyelids in that place, Ray J's boomerang dick haunts his dreams. Actually, I don't think he'd mind that...

Here's a few pictures of Ryan's new leprechaun kingdom and a few more from Ellen K's Walk of Fame ceremony. It's been a long minute since I've seen Ellen K. When did she become a mash-up of every Real Housewife of Orange County?

What fuckery hath Time Magazine wrought? Yes, that's Jason Biggs, and no, I don't know why either. - SOW

NeNe Leakes goes from choking out Kim Zolciak to verbally choking out Ellen Barkin - Towleroad

I don't mind Casper Smart's sunglasses, but that's probably because I think there's something adorable about babies wearing glasses - Lainey Gossip

I do not condone hacking, but I do condone making William Levy's fuck tapes acceptable to my parts - Celebitchy

Mena Suvari's ex-husband is trying real hard to get into the Gold Digging Hall of Fame - The Superficial

Charlize Theron in InStyle - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Why did my brain have to tell my eyes that this isn't Callista Gingrich - Hollywood Tuna

And I'd still put my mouth on every single one of them - The Berry

Popping babies brought the sexy out of MiserAlba - Popoholic

Michael Ass Bender's on-screen piss stream might have gained him a fan in Kim Kardashian, but it lost him an Oscar - ICYDK

The LOOK: All of this is - OMG Blog

Freddie Prinze Jr. actually spotted out in the wild - Popsugar

PedoBear's second cousin? - Cityrag

RiRi delivers some fucked up CleoCATra glamour - Just Jared

Yoga turtle Russell Simmons defends RiRi's honor - Crunk + Disorderly

Isabel Lucas at some festival - Hollywood Rag

Katherine Heigl and her husband named their daughter Adalaide. Seriously. - I'm Not Obsessed

You have to be a new kind of dumb to bring out your cell phone in front of noted phone thief and lady beater Chris Brown - Celebslam

Who doesn't fiddle with their crotch at their desk? Sometimes fiddling with your crotch is the only thing that gets you through the work day. I'm sure you're fiddling with your crotch right now. Sara Eisen of Bloomberg TV knows what we're tall talking about, but unfortunately for her the camera person didn't tell her to cease fiddling before he put crotch on live TV! A bunch of people saw London, saw France, saw whatever the hell was blocking Sara's underpants. No, seriously, what is that?

The smart and reasonable people out there will try to convince me that Sara's got a wireless mic pack or something up her skirt. But since I am neither smart nor reasonable, I cannot be convinced that Bloomberg TV knows how to party and that's really a giant black strap-on under Sara's skirt. Giuliana Rancic better start looking for a new job, because Ryan Seacrest has just found his new co-host on E! News.

via Daily Picks and Flicks

You see Tommy Girl making the rock 'n roll sign, but I see Tommy making the salad tosser sign. Well, I can't help it that I see a tiny butt crack when Tommy puts his ring and middle finger together.

To sell his new movie Cock of Ages, Tommy worked his weave and flexed his cum gutters for W Magazine (click here to see all the piping hot heterosexualness) and also gave an interview to Playboy. (When Tommy says he reads Playboy for the articles, nobody accuses of him of lie-telling.) In the interview with Playboy, Tommy talks about never tucking his face, acting the fool in interviews and sending his lawyers after gossiping bitches. Tommy actually sounds like his head is on earth with the rest of us and not floating up in Xenu's kingdom, and that tells me that Scientology's doctors must have invented a "vitamin" that temporarily sedates the crazy in a bitch. Here's a few choice quotes from Tommy's tea time with Playboy:

On how he maintains his beauty at the age of 49: "I honestly have no idea. [laughs] I work. I’m always with family. I train, go without sleep. I just go hard."

On if a plastic surgeon's scalpel has ever touched his face: "I haven’t, and I never would."

On how 30-year-old Tommy is different from almost 50-year-old Tommy: "I’ve always had the same values. Family for me has always been important. When I shoot, everybody comes. When Kate’s shooting, I’m there with her and the kids. We’re always together. I’m always around my mother and sisters. I always wanted to be a father, a husband. And I’ve always had a work ethic. I’ve had paying jobs since I was about eight years old—cutting grass, raking leaves, paper routes, selling Easter cards and Christmas cards."

On how Def Leppard was amazed by his voice when he sang one of their songs for them (prepare your eyes for rolling): "Well, the lead singer, Joe Elliott, points at me and goes, 'Fuck you! Fuck you!' Then I saw big smiles on their faces, and I realized I’d gotten their stamp. It was a very cool moment. It was important they knew I was honoring their music and not making fun of them."

On jumping on Oprah's couch and spewing crazy shit about Brooke Shields' postpartum depression: "I agree with you, and I never meant it that way. When I go back and look at it, I find myself thinking, I don’t feel that way. I get how it came across, but I don’t feel that way, and I never have. Telling people how to live their lives? I saw how that came across and how pieces were edited."

On if he's keeping his mouth shut about Scientology: "What’s interesting is, if I don’t talk about my religion, if I say I’m not discussing it or different humanitarian things I’m working on, they’re like, 'He’s avoiding it.' If I do talk about it, it becomes, 'Oh, he’s proselytizing.' Reviewing the whole thing and how things can be edited and misinterpreted, I decided, You know what? Here’s the deal. I take responsibility for what happened, but everyone now knows that if I am dealing with humanitarian things, I will talk about that. When I’m promoting a film, I’m not going to get caught up in anything else, and that includes all my personal things."

On if he ever thought the couch jumping and anti-anti-depressant rantings would screw up his career: "No, I really didn’t. But it was important to me to take responsibility, take a hard look and decide where I go from here. That time was interesting. It was that moment when the internet had really spun out. It was a learning experience for all of us, how these things go. All you can do is learn and say, “This is the way it’s going to go from now on. Here is the line.”

On why he's sued over shit written about him or his family: "They know I mean it, that if I have to, I will sue. You start with a letter saying, 'Okay, you know it’s not true. Apologize.' There is a point with a lot of things when you just go, You know what? I don’t want to waste my time with this. I’m busy. I’d rather spend this time with my kids and my wife, at home or on our movies, creating a life together. If you have kids, it is the most important thing to create good times.

On how he recently uploaded a screenwriting program into his Stepford Beard's hard drive: "She is an extraordinary person, and if you spent five minutes with her, you’d see it. Everything she does, she does with this beautiful creativity. When she becomes interested in something, she doesn’t talk about it, she does it. One week I said to her, 'You’ve been up in the middle of the night. Is everything okay?' She smiled and then threw this thing on my desk and said, 'I wrote this script.' She wanted to try it, and she did. She wanted to try designing clothes, and now her line is wonderful and, to me, an example of how she just creates beautiful things in her life. She has a voice and warmth as an artist, as a mother. She’s funny and charming, and when she walks into the room, I just feel better. I’m a romantic. I like doing things like creating romantic dinners, and she enjoys that. I don’t know what to say—I’m just happy, and I have been since the moment I met her. What we have is very special."

Sort of kind of sane, right? That said, I don't know if I buy that the thetans on his face aren't weighed down with plastic, but then again regular facials in the Scientology men's sauna probably does wonders for the skin. And why didn't I ever notice that Tommy's tongue looks like a peen with a swollen tip?

As expected, John Doe #1 dropped his $2 million sexual harassment lawsuit against John Travolta after his lawyer broke up with him. John Doe #1 might file the lawsuit again if he gets another lawyer, but I'm not sure that's going to happen since he's probably too busy counting the stack of money he magically found in an E.T. duffel bag stashed in the bushes outside of the Scientology Center. Speaking of settlements, John Doe #2 isn't being shy about asking for one. John Doe #2's lawyer, the same one who dropped John Doe #1, tells Radar that his client will happily settle with John Travolta for a rock bottom price of $250,000. Just like John Doe #1, John Doe #2 is suing Travolta for $2 million. Bitch is giving Travolta a steal!

John Doe #2's lawyer Okorie Okorocha says that his client doesn't really went to relive the gross memory of being groped by Travolta in that suite in Atlanta and wants to be done with all of this:

"My client will settle for $250k to make this go away quickly and without having any further action being taken in this case. My client wants his life back and for that to happen at this point we would be willing to accept a settlement. I have been speaking with Marty Singer about establishing the ground rules for arbitration/mediation in this case. We haven't agreed on anything yet, or which private judge will hear the case. I want it to be one judge, Marty Singer would like more than one judge. These are sticking points that we can work out if this case doesn't settle. I haven't discussed any settlement figures with Marty yet but I anticipate we will be having those discussions very soon.

Look my client is a very tall man, weighs about 300 pounds and is also a personal trainer so a private judge could absolutely look at him and wonder how much in damages he really suffered. If this could settle quickly, well, obviously, that would be the best result for all parties involved."

This might make John Doe #2 look like a con artist with a shady lawyer who appreciates the art of swindling a trick, but maybe he doesn't want to sit there and go into detail about how John's anus lips kept wiggling for his finger like a worm's mouth looking for a snack. Maybe he doesn't want another set of scars on his brain. Whatever the case may be, John Travolta is probably going to come out on top after all of this. And yes, that is the first time and only time I will ever describe John Travolta as being on top.

The pile of ground horse meat that is the sanctity of marriage is slightly twitching with life today, because Tan Mom's complexion idol Linda Hogan has decided to slip off the engagement ring given to her by her boy toy look-alike of four years Charlie Hill. After whoring themselves out for some spotlight time and a quick check on Vh1's "Couples Therapy," the ghost of Lindsay Lohan's future looks and Nick Hogan's ex-best friend decided to stop bumping jerkyfied genitals for good. Linda's lawyer issued this statement to Fox 411's PopTarts that completely shoots down the theory that a couple that peroxides together, stays together.

"There was a lot of therapy involved, and the couple realized they needed to do their own thing. The realization came this weekend. But it was a mutual decision, and a whole new chapter for both of them."

Every chapter in Linda Hogan's life was written by Stephen King and the next one will be no exception and that's the only reason why I'm posting this shit. Linda Hogan will terrorize again! So if you're the parent of a bleached blond teenage son whose favorite meal is an overcooked Hillshire Farms kielbasa with fried hash browns on top, then immediately chain one of his arms to the water heater. If the police find out and try to arrest you for false imprisonment, just look them in the eye and simply say, "Linda Hogan is single again."  The next sound you'll hear is the police handcuffing your son's other arm to the water heater. It's that serious!

At the Men in Black 3 premiere in Berlin yesterday, Will Smith, Josh Brolin and Nicole ScherMINGEr all received a lesson in sophistication and style when Germany's high priestess of class Micaela Schäfer floated onto the red carpet wearing a stunning couture ensemble exclusively made by your old shitty VHS player that ate almost every tape. Micaela, who was diagnosed with elegant-itis which causes beauties to overheat if they wear actual clothes, showed us all that it doesn't take much to look like the epitome of a lady. All you need is a dog chain collar from Petco, black panties, an 80s belt from the Salvation Army, barf from a VHS tape, a pair of camera-ready nipples and zero amounts of shame.

Yes, it's true that after the premiere, janitors mistook Micaela for a shredded trash bag that was ransacked by raccoons and threw her into a dump truck, but I'm sure she looked absolutely gorgeous as she climbed out of the landfill.

Personally, the only rapper I want to hear from when it comes to the topic of gay marriage is Chris "Daddy Mac" Smith from Kris Kross, but in the meantime I guess we'll listen to what Jay-Z has to say about this. During a talk with CNN's Poppy Harlow (Side Note: I wish my name was Poppy Harlow.) about stuff, Jay-Z was asked if he's Yay-Z or Nay-Z for marriage being legal for everyone. Jay-Z co-signed what Obama had to say:

“I’ve always thought it as something that was still holding the country back. What people do in their own homes is their business and you can choose to love whoever you love. That’s their business. It's no different than discriminating against blacks. It’s discrimination plain and simple."

Jay-Z also said that it really doesn't matter if Obama's support costs him some votes, because it was the right thing to do as a human being.

Because I am pretty much a professional nitpicker, my irises took a few steps to the side at the word "choose" and moved all the way to the side at the word "in their own homes." This is rich coming from a multi-millionaire who owns 45 mansions across the world including an estate covered with iridescent dolphin tears on an island in Antarctica that you can only get to by hovercraft yacht. Excuse you, Jay-Z, but some people live with their parents, siblings and/or roommates and can't do their business in their own homes. Some have to do it in the dark part of an empty subway train, the last stall in the men's room of a bar, the last row in a movie theater playing LOL, between parked cars, a random apartment building room, etc... etc... So what I'm getting from this is that Jay-Z is pro gay marriage, but anti-public fucking..... and anti-homelessness. I see how it is.

And I can't wait for Newsweek to declare Jay-Z as "Gay-Z" on their cover.

via HuffPo

"Sorry, Mr. Seacrest, but a deal's a deal. I don't want them anymore either. -Satan - tonicbitch

Runners-up:

Found in the shower drain at the Odom residence. - Skinnymalinky

Demi, stop following Ashton around. He's not coming back. - MardiGras

Is that from The Ring? No it's Madonna's career trying desperately to get back to her. - Glen

via Buzzfeed

James Peterson, our new fist-pumping champion of the world! New Jersey is already hanging its head today, because it's always hungover and it's Jersey, but today it's hanging its head extra lower in shame. Because New Jersey has been shown up by a fist pumper from Ohio. OHIO!

The unemployed electrician wanted to make his own special mark on the world and so he did it by fisting the imaginary b-hole in the air for 16 hours straight. Our new fist pumping king started prostate punching his way to making his fist pumping dreams come true at a pub in Akron (DUH!) at 11am on Friday morning. James asked a professional videographer to record every fist pump he pumped while walking around the University of Akron for the next 16 hours. James pumped out his last fist pump at 3am at the same pub he started. James is so serious about his fist pumping craft that he super glued his fist together. As King Fist Pump leaned to his right side since his right bicep is now 5 pounds heavier than his left one, he bragged about his achievement to Ohio.com:

“I have set the qualifications for this record and every minute that I do this is a new record. My fist is super-glued together to ensure I maintain perfect fist formation. I used to hang light fixtures, so I am used to having my hands above my head.

James plans to send all of the evidence of his fist pumping world record to Guinness.

So James sort of looks like a humanized peen with eyes, is really serious about maintaining fist formation and can fist for hours on end without taking a break.... If it is your dream to break the world record for the most continuous John Travolta jokes made in the comment section of one blog post, now is your chance!

via Arbroath