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There must be some kind of mind-altering chemical in Popchips, because they somehow decided that a good way to spend their marketing budget is to make some dumbass viral starring human douche bottle Ashton Kutcher as a bunch of characters including an Indian dude (complete with brownface and Mike Myers' Love Guru accent), a British hippie type and an albino vampire I know isn't supposed to be Kunty Karl. This shit is not only a mess, but Ashton's brownface is offending lots and lots and lots of people. A spokeswhore for Popchips tells The Hollywood Reporter that they aren't trying to offend and they love snackers of all races ( <-- THE FUCK?):

"The new popchips worldwide dating video and ad campaign featuring four characters was created to provoke a few laughs and was never intended to stereotype or offend anyone. At popchips we embrace all types of shapes, flavors and colors, and appreciate all snackers, no matter their race or ethnicity. We hope people can enjoy this in the spirit it was intended."

Let me try to put this as eloquently as I can... Fuck Popchips for tasting like freeze dried Styrofoam popcorn. Fuck this ad for being this ad and having Ashton Kutcher in it. Fuck Ashton Kutcher for being Ashton Kutcher and for thinking he can duplicate the Death Eaters glamour of Kunty Karl. And fuck that adorable chihuahua for using its extra long tongue to lick on that nasty ass Popchip.

As the last drops from Jessica Simpson's amniotic fluid geyser continues to sprinkle on L.A., some people are wondering (not really) why she and that Eric Johnson dude came up with the name Maxwell Drew for a girl. They didn't name their 10 pounds of baby after Maxwell Caulfield and Drew Barrymore, or Maxwell House and Dr. Drew, or Maxwell Sheffield and Drew Lachey. "Maxwell Drew" elegantly rolls off the tongue like a Chicken McNugget half chewed up by Jessica, but they have a good reason for why they gave their daughter that name. It's a family names!

Rumor Fix says that Maxwell is Eric's middle name and his mom's before marriage name. Drew is Jessica's mother's before marriage name. Rumor Fix also says that the name Maxwell means "great stream" and the name Drew means "manly." Put those names together and you've got a real urinal cake breaker! That name meaning shit doesn't mean anything anyway. My first name means "who is like God" and my middle name means "Jehovah increases." Some shit got lost in translation somewhere, because that should really be "who is like Trash" and "Bitterness increases."

Well, now you know the meaning of Maxwell Drew, so you can sleep through the night without waking up to spit at Jessica and Eric for achieving new levels of dumb by coming up with that baby name.

The whole "using your mom's maiden name as your kid's first name" thing is not some shit most people can do, right? I like my mom's maiden name (Note: I will get a tree branch slap to the mouth from my abuelita if I don't type that), but if I named my kid that, it would have a permanent side-eye and it would learn how to flip me off real quick.

Miley Cyrus is either giving the paps a break from taking pictures of her face or she's got a herp sore garden on her lips - ICYDK

RDJ's herp derp face tells me that he's got the farts - Lainey Gossip

The orgasm supercut can also double as the suffering a brain freeze while getting possessed by an alien supercut - Towleroad

Please, like GOOP does something as provincial as fucking. She just gets her servants to do it for her. - The Superficial

Kate Upton modeling A-Rod's new Yankees uniform - Hollywood Tuna

Denise Richards looks like a plastic pug caught in the headlights - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Still hotter than Khloe Kardashian - Celebitchy

Junior Seau has passed away - The Big Lead

Panty Creamer of the Day: Parker Hurley - The Berry

You'll never believe this shit, but professional bikini model Candice Swanepoel is in a bikini - Popoholic

Simon Cowell needs to stop leaking pages from his X-Factor fan fiction to the media - Popsugar

Slip these in your "RiRi bones strippers" blind items file - IDLYITW

Please tell me there's going to be a smoke monster biopic - Videogum

Khloe Kardashian doesn't believe in divorce, because if she gets sick of Lamar she'll just eat him - I'm Not Obsessed

RiRi SANS FARDS - Moe Jackson

Cee Lo's old mug shot needs more sequins - Hollywood Rag

The Pinterest of a teenage girl who is really obsessed with the fashions of 2001 hurled all over Heather Morris - Go Fug Yourself

That hot piece from Vampire Diaries is now CaCa-free - Just Jared

Dominic Monaghan is trying to get himself some twat on Twitter - Celebslam

Phantom of the Starbucks - Cityrag

For a second there, I thought Roseanne got a new wig.

While a taping for WCIU in Chicago, a reporter and a cameraman witnessed a delicate swan decorate the sidewalk with her loogie blossoms over and over again. Homegirl hocks up so many phlegm bombs that you can practically smell the crust on them (and yes, they smell like GARDENIAS). But don't worry, she's just got a cold and it's not catchable. So you won't find yourself hocking up lung smegma, but you will find yourself hocking up dry heaves while watching this graceful beauty (with serious eyebrow game) hock up lung smegma.

And I'm pretty sure this is a viral for Red Bull....or the Etiquette School of Chicago.

via Break.com

Celebrities often date and marry beards because it is professionally beneficial for them to be seen as straight. Even in this day and age, it’s more usual for performers to stay in the closet and beard up then it is for them to proudly proclaim their same-sex preference.

But there is a big risk in bringing a beard aboard: you are depending on them to keep your secret forever. If you beard with another celebrity, both of your reputations and livelihoods are at stake. But if you marry a non-celebrity, there is little for them to lose if they decide to blackmail you.

Such is the case of this male celebrity. Pushed by his family (especially his father), he married his non-celebrity beard. Beard Wife knew exactly what she was marrying into. And now she is demanding more to keep his secrets. And she wants a lot.

She wants a television show. It isn’t enough for her to marry a celebrity; she wants to be a celebrity! So does her musician brother. So does her sister. So does her sister’s husband.

The celebrity said “No. I’m not doing that.” The wife said “Oh, yes you will! Because if you don’t, I will tell everyone that you are gay, and your career will be over.”

So it’s a done deal. The wife and her sister will be the talent, the sister’s husband will be a producer, and the wife’s brother will hope that his appearances will lead to a big record deal.

The entire project is being sold on the strength of the celebrity’s name, yet out of all the players, he is the one who wants it least. But he’ll go along with what Daddy and Beard Wife and her family wants. Because he still does not have the courage and strength to run his own life. We hope that someday he will. And then, instead of pretending to be happy, he can actually be happy. But for now, he is miserable closeted gay guy with a declining career, a controlling Daddy, and a blackmailing Beard Wife. (Blind Gossip)

This is obviously about Kevin Jonas and his Haylie Duff-looking ass wife Danielle since they have an E! reality show that will terrorize all of us in August, but it doesn't make any sense to me. Why would Danielle threaten to tell everyone that Kevin loves peen with his morning coffee? Doing so would make her the dimmest fame digging beard in the beard  game. Bitch's career as a professional beard would be over! She wouldn't ever beard in this town, that town or any town again. No self-respecting closeted gay celebrity would ever hire a beard with a fat mouth. Exposing Kevin's love for peen would be beard suicide! Besides, Kevin doesn't really have a career right now, so if he came out, he'd at least get a cover of People Magazine or something.

And more importantly, why doesn't TLC have a reality show called Beard Wives?

This almost A list movie actor who got his break on one of the biggest shows in television history has been a vocal proponent of PETA. I wonder if they know about his monthly pig events where he personally kills and cooks a pig for guests. (CDAN)

Duh. Woody Harrelson's stoner ass, because he thinks he's always on Survivor island.

White House Correspondents Dinner Blind Item - This B+ movie and television actress who is mainly known for television was asked where her husband was last night and replied that they are taking a break. (CDAN)

Claire Danes? Rickie told me in the girls bathroom.

Which legendary singer is so addicted to Popeye’s Fried Chicken that she had it delivered to a recent red carpet event? The aging Grammy winner mortified guests when she sat in a swanky hotel lobby chowing down on the greasy chicken straight from the box! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Why in this is probably Wynonna Judd or Aretha hell would anybody be mortified by this? I would only be mortified if she ordered Popeye's chicken with Popeye's sides. The correct way to do it is to order Popeye's chicken with KFC sides. Best of both greasy worlds.

Looking like an invisible carrot is hanging above her mouth, LeAnn Rimes poses in a completely natural photo taken at her vow renewal ceremony (pronounced: bowel removal ceremony) with Eddie Cibrian last week. Because LeAnn and Eddie have nothing but fuckit money and time on their hands (check in with me in six months when I tell you that Eddie has nothing but the genitals of another in his hands), they galloped down to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico and paid someone to put together a vow reminder ceremony on their first wedding anniversary. If LeAnn doesn't tweet it, it didn't happen, so she posted that hilarious portrait along with this note for her followers:

Thought I'd share a few smiles and a special moment. Thank you @joebuissink for our beautiful vow renewal pics."

This is LeAnn and Eddie we're talking about, so they definitely made the photographer take pictures of their asses until the bones in his clicking finger broke, and yet this is the picture they chose to share with everybody? LeAnn obviously wants to be the STAH of every picture, but does she also want to be the one looking like the place where flies go to die? This mess looks like the poster for My Bride Flicka.

via People

Today is David Beckham's 37th birthday and he and Posh starting celebrating that shit early at the Nuggets vs. Lakers game last night. You know it was a truly special night, because Posh actually went to the Lakers game. Posh risked gaining 1/20th of a pound from breathing in the nacho cheese vapors around her. That's real love. Posh and Becks also touched lips on the Lakers KissCam and then she pulled her frozen mouth muscles out of the unamused position to make a smile. It's always a moment in history when Posh makes an opposite frown. I actually like Posh's smile, but only because when she does it she looks like a devious cartoon villain who has just learned the secret to destroying the Smurfs. It's very, "Bleheheheheheheehehe I'll get you!"

Bobby Brown is shaking head "no" to the gossip that he's the one who introduced Whitney Houston's nostrils to the bad shit. Bobby B told Matt Lauer on Today this morning that bitches shouldn't put the blame on him for getting Whit hooked on drugs, because she was already in deep before he came into her world. Before Bobby met Whitney, the hardest stuff he put in his body was weed smoke and beer. Whitney's the one who brought narcotics into his life, not the other way around. My eyes are rolling so hard that I can't focus on pulling the showmethereceipts.gif out of my archives, so can you do it for me? Yes, but I can roll my eyes and type at the same time. It's something I learned during cunty bloggers class at The Learning Annex.

Bobby told Matt that Whitney's issue with addiction started before him. Bobby says, "I didn't get high before I met Whitney. I smoked weed, um, I dranked beer, but I wasn't the one that got Whitney on drugs.... I worried about it when we first got together until I tried it. And when I tried it, for some reason I have an addictive personality. It's unexplainable. But no, I wasn't the one who got her addicted to drug. I'm not the reason she's gone." 

Bobby also said that he had "14 beautiful years" with Whitney, but their reality show Being Bobby Brown opened up both of their eyes to how messed up they looked to everybody else. That convinced Bobby to get clean.

I'm not one of those bitches who blames Bobby for Whitney's death or thinks he was the cause of all her addictions. Whitney and Bobby's relationship was toxic for the both of them. Their relationship was like felching someone who just ate a whole bag of prunes. It wasn't going to end well. That being said, Bobby is not sitting there, on a talk show, acting like he was the innocent one. Of course Bobby says this after the fact. Bitch, stop.

May an unpoppable doody bubble haunt Bobby's ass for the rest of his days.

Levi Johnston's brain is made of dried moose shit and his decision making skills are as broke as the condom he wore during his first time with Bristol, but you'd think he'd try to be considerate when it comes to giving his unborn daughter a name she has to live with until she's old enough to crawl to the courthouse to change it. But nope! Levi is still trashier and dumber than ever. Levi and the trick he knocked up, Sunny Oglesby, tell Inside Edition (via HuffPo) that they have decided to give their daughter the name of a morning shift cocktail waitress at a strip club/gun shop (or the name of the villain's mistress in a low-budget Bond parody starring Tom Selleck). The name they are writing on her birth certificate is:

BREEZE BERETTA JOHNSTON!!!!!

A name that makes you think of Chris Breezy and Robert Blake at the same time is not a name you should give to an innocent child you're supposed to have love for.

Breeze isn't that bad. Yes, it sounds like the name of a Glade scent you'd use to mask your poop fumes, but it also sounds like the name of a member of a 1970s hippie cult commune that bases its teachings on the album Free to be...You and Me. I can deal with that. But BERETTA!? Beretta isn't a family name either. Sunny and Levi say that they are naming her after the gun. A mess. Why didn't they just go all the way with this foolery? Why didn't they name her God Fart Glock or Queefah Rifle?

And Sunny also told Inside Edition the romantic tale of how Breeze Beretta was conceived:

"We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control."

I guess Breeze Beretta's fucked up name is the least of her problems....

The Three Sirens of Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig and NutriSystem come to take the afterbirth away following Maxwell's delivery. - Migraine Sally

Runners-up:

After 9,999 Kardashian-Jenner family photo shoots, Khloe finally gets to be the one that goes nude. - Zombabe

Difficult Brown capitalizes on its 15 minutes of fame by agreeing to pose for Playboy. - perky

Upon hearing the news that Octomom was getting ready to unleash a self-fapping porn video upon the world, George Lucas digs up the corpse of Jabba The Hutt in order to cash in on what will be TLC's new reality show: HORRIFYING THINGS I MASTURBATED TO. - Kristoff The Devil

(Thanks, Ben)