Sharon Stone's heart is made of dehydrated Dalmatian puppy meat and she once skinned a Fraggle alive with her bare teeth in front of its family (exhibit: A), so I'm close to checking the "I Believe it!" box under The Los Angeles Times' story about how she brought her signature cold-blooded bitchiness on her former nanny. Sharon's ex-nanny Erlinda Elemen says Sharon didn't let her keep a Bible in the house (because the word of the lord goes against Sharon's Illuminati beliefs, duh) and always made fun of her Filipino accent. In other words, Sharon so didn't vote for Jessica Sanchez on American Idol.
In a lawsuit filed by Erlinda in L.A. today, she claimed that Sharon pink-slipped her ass after finding out that she was paid overtime. Erlinda regularly worked over 40 hours a week and so Sharon's staff paid her overtime. When Sharon found about out this, she demanded that Erlinda pay the money back and when she was met with a boldfaced NO, she fired Erlinda. Sharon told Erlinda that working overtime without her permission was "illegal."
Erlinda also claims that working for Sharon was like holding a rusty nail between your ass cheeks while a pit bull barks in your face. It was a terrifying nightmare. Sharon constantly said Filipino people are "stupid" and told Erlinda not to talk to her three children, because she didn't want them to have a Filipino accent. Sharon made fun of Erlinda for going to church and didn't let her read the Bible in the house even though she lived there.
Erlinda started working for Sharon as her part-time nanny in 2006 and 2 years later she was promoted to head nanny. Sharon fired Erlinda on a day in February 2011.
This is seriously some Nanny Diaries shit. But if Sharon is such a Filipino-hating racist crazy, why would she hire a Filipino nanny in the first place? Unless, Sharon truly is 100% evil and making fun of Erlinda tickled the rotten veins in her dead heart. That makes sense, because I have heard (no, I haven't) that when one of those Sarah McLachlan SPCA PSAs come on TV, Sharon laughs at it while masturbating with a taxidermy puppy. They don't call her Cruella de Stone for nothing!
Snooki's guidoling is a boy and she's trying to act like she's not going to name him Pickleino Zantrex - The Superficial
JLo is taking dickmatized to a whole new level by getting Casper Smart his own reality show - Lainey Gossip
Catherine Zeta-Jones is thinking to herself, "Bitch, instead of yelling at me you should be fluffing up that bunny tail on your head." - The Berry
Will Smith would slap a kissing trick up again - Towleroad
Kelly Brook makes it oh-so-easy - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Gis and Tom Brady might be spawning again - Celebitchy
There are times when I'm looking at a single picture and I can tell who cut the fart and who's smelling it. This is one of those times. - Hollywood Tuna
You can't put the word RISE on a Batman poster and barely show any bulge - Popoholic
Glamberace is breaking records - ICYDK
A weave advisor is what Brit Brit really needs - Hollywood Rag
Tracy Morgan just outed himself as a Sasquatch, I think - IDLYITW
Tom Sturridge should know his hair is a pile of tragedy when even Kristen Stewart is side-eying it - Popsugar
Michelle Rodriguez in a bikini - Just Jared
Just like bronchitis, I ain't got time for this - Crunk + Disorderly
For $45,000 a month, I also better get a vial of Leonardo DiCatchAHo's sperm so I can find a way to knock myself up and hit him up for child support - Cityrag
In case you're in the Atlanta area and were wondering why you heard a high-pitched walrus screaming, "SAVE THE WIGS! THE WIGS! FORGET THE BABY! THROW YOURSELF OVER THE WIGS!" - I'm Not Obsessed
It took me a few blinks to realize this was not Eva Mendes in the face - Moe Jackson
But does Michael McKean's understudy have an alibi? - SOW
The one good thing about Cannes, besides basking in the rays of its Queen, is all the man nipples it brings out. Here's the humanized Afghan Hound Adrien Brody sunning his furry chest patch on a yacht in Cannes today. Either that lady is related to Adrien or the blood in her loins doesn't boil for his kind, because that is a MEHface if I ever saw one. She's either saying: "Meh. Ass ain't bad." or "Meh. That belt does not go with those pants but I don't care enough to go the nearest American Eagle to rectify the situation."
And yes, I've already canceled my night's plans of doing absolutely nothing to Photoshop Lapo Elkann and Adrien Brody kissing with their nipple slits on a yacht.
Jim Parsons of The Big Bang Theory (the show my mom watches religiously but always forgets the name of so just calls it the "other" How I Met Your Mother) is gay, like officially, and I thought we already swept up the popped rainbow balloons after having that party. I'm not serving that on a bed of warm sarcasm either. I know Jim thanked his partner Todd Spiewak (click here to see them in several states of awww) when he won a Golden Globe a couple of years ago, but I thought he already said the words out loud in a magazine or something. I guess not, because everyone is saying that Jim has "quietly come out of the closet" in an interview with The New York Times. High brow!
In a piece about Jim's starring role in a Broadway revival of Harvey, the NYT casually dropped this in:
The Normal Heart” resonated with him on a few levels: Mr. Parsons is gay and in a 10-year relationship, and working with an ensemble again onstage was like nourishment, he said. As the production was ending last summer, he heard that the Roundabout Theater Company was considering a revival of “Harvey” — initially with John C. Reilly under consideration for Elwood — and last November the play’s director, Scott Ellis, asked him and Ms. Hecht to do a private reading of the work in Los Angeles.
The article also mentions that Jim is 10 months away from turning 40. Now that's the real RED SIRENS GET CNN ON THIS news. Jim Parsons being gay is something we all learned in school, but Jim Parsons being almost 40 is the real shock. Jim Parsons looks like a come-to-a-life cartoon of a 5th grader as drawn by Charles M. Schulz. Dude looks eternally 11, so the headline should be: JIM PARSONS COMES OUT AS A 39-YEAR-OLD.
And I know everyone is waiting for Anderson Cooper to casually come out, but he better not do it like this or I'll never speak to the cardboard cutout of him I have in the corner of my bedroom AGAIN! Usually, I'm not really into it when hos come out on the cover of People for a check, but I'll make an exception for Anderson. Andy's coming out needs to be a spectacle! It needs to be some "sliding down the rainbow, resurrecting Judy Garland, unicorn heads exploding" shit! It needs to be an international holiday and Lady GaGa's stupid ass better copy another Madonna song when writing Anderson's official coming out anthem. When Anderson finally comes out publicly to the media, I better turn on the TV and see an infomercial for the commemorative plates with his giggling face on them. It better be like that.
If you're the Alabama Leprechaun and you're looking for the wrong stuff to smoke, head directly to the casting office for The Butler, because they're obviously tripping into new dimensions over there. They're tripping so hard that they've frolicked into a new world where casting Minka Kelly and Matthew McConaughey as the Kennedys makes sense. Because it makes zero sense in this world. R. Kelly and Rooster McConaughey as Jackie & John makes more sense than this mess.
Indiewire has blown out a crack cloud in the form of news that the Leighton Meester impersonator and the Texas T-Rex will join Forrest Whitaker, Oprah, Cuba Gooding Jr., Lenny Kravitz, Terrence Howard, Alan Rickman (as Ronald Reagan), Jane Fonda (as Nancy Reagan), John Cusack (as Nixon) and Nicole Kidman's forehead (as The White House) in The Butler. Lee Daniels, who directed Precious, will direct the story of the White House butler (played by Forrest Whitaker) who served eight presidents from 1952 to 1986. But who the hell cares about the story! My ears are too busy curling at the thought of Matthew McConaughey trying to turn his extra slow drawl into JFK's accent. It's going to sound like what would hit your ears if a stoned Forrest Gump was in The Departed.
Terrible accents aside, 99% of this movie's budget is going to go toward turning these hos into the people they're supposed to be playing using the same shit the Kardashians smear their faces with (sandbox indian clay, terracotta epoxy putty and shark cartilage). To save money, Lee Daniels should just fire everybody and cast this movie from Disney World's Hall of Presidents. It'd be cheaper and the performances would definitely be better.
The word "scandal" is immediately declared null and void when used to describe John Travolta prancing around with silky big girl panties on, but The National Enquirer still thinks you'll scream with your eyes over these pictures from 1997 of him in dragging it up at a party. The only thing shocking about these pictures is how broke Travolta's drag is. You'd think his drag closet would have more square footage than his dude closet, but these pictures tell me otherwise.
Even the mangiest alley cat has enough taste to cough up that wig. Speaking of mangy alley cats, that's what's covering his shoulders in the bigger picture, right? That pearl necklace isn't even a full pearl necklace. It looks like it came out of a light cummer's peen. Wearing that pink outfit is only acceptable if you're the poor character in a Sweet Valley High book who's going to play tennis with Lila Fowler at her country club. Bitch didn't wax, shave or pluck and he looks like a bloated Klinger in low-budget Amy Winehouse drag. Even Tommy Girl could beat John Travolta in a Miss Scientology pageant. Embarrassing!
I now know who Marc Jacobs' current style icon is.
Oh, and The Enquirer also says that Kelly Preston has stormed out of the family home and has left John forever. Beard, please. Kelly left the family home, but only because she went to get John a better wig and to pick him up an undergraduate application from the admissions office at Drag U.
Tara Reid left a yacht party in Cannes the other night and in the old days this sentence would end with "and by 'left' I mean she jumped overboard after mistaking the ocean for a giant bowl of vodka." But it's a new day and it's a new Tara Reid! Tara Reid left the party holding on to the hand of 60-year-old Fawaz Gruosi, the founding president of a fancy jewelry company called de Grisogono. Now everyone (read: HuffPo, a few obscure European papers who still care about Tara Reid and me) is saying that Tara got herself a sugar daddy. To which I say, YAAAASSSSS!
Tara's love life has been pretty bleak as of late. Last year, Tara's 3-second-long fake marriage to some businessman ended after they found out the union was not legal, because the gin bottle that married them was not a registered officiant! Before that, Michael Assman and Tara Reid canceled their wedding plans after he found out that the bulge in her shorts was just saggy skin meat from her botched lipo job and not a fat peen. But now, Tara is finally doing shit right by looking for love in all the rich places. Tara was headed straight for a life of running out of truck stop bars to barf out bottom shelf whisky onto a cigarette can and now she's headed straight for a life of running out of 5-star restaurants to barf out Dom onto the shoes of her chauffeur.
And Fawaz has a case of the Ceiling Eyes, which means he'll probably never get a good look at her open-faced lasagna stomach. Tara did good!
On his talk show, The Daily Mail Show with The Silver Fox!, Anderson Cooper continued to stretch his arm out toward that Peabody Award by bringing out the factory-defected Linda Hogan Real Doll who was the 2011 valedicwhorian of Pimp Mama Kris' Night School of Murdering Your Kid's Childhood with Botox for Some Screen Time. We all know The Human Barbie as that Ipkiss-faced pile of melted doll skin who's on The Daily Mail every other month for giving her 7-year-old daughter a voucher for future plastic surgery work. Well, Andy Coo had her on his show yesterday and he tried to get into her head even though he would've found more interesting shit if he peeked into the head hole of an actual Barbie doll. Once Anderson realized that The Human Barbie was only on his show for the free publicity (THIS IS NEW INFORMATION!), he dropped a "Bitch, Be Gone!" on her ass by telling her to sashay away. The audience's nostrils were filled with the scent of an over-microwaved Tupperware lid from The Human Barbie getting burned by the Silver Fox.
After the show, Anderson taped a video note backstage where he said that he banished her from his stage, because her brain is not capable of producing honest thoughts and he felt that the fame whore was only there to be a fame whore. Yeah, Anderson's light bulb takes a while to light up, but when it lights up, it REALLY lights up.
In all seriousness, Anderson is a real journalist, so he obviously did his research and knew what he was dealing with. That is why I can't co-sign this shit. Anderson could've played it three ways:
The serious journalist way: Don't put a fame whore on the show at all and instead devote the entire hour to important topics other serious news organizations cover like the day's most popular cat videos and an exclusive interview with the man who jumped out of a window during a local news report.
The semi-serious journalist way: Bring on a mental health professional to try to talk some realness into The Human Barbie before an agent from Britain's Child Protective Services storms the stage to drag her away.
The 100% STUNT QUEEN way: Bring out a folding table, cover it with delicious plastic breakfast foods (that bitch only eats plastic, right?) and allow The Human Barbie to enjoy it all during her interview before acting out a completely choreographed food fight after one of the audience members calls her a "DISGUSTING FAT LOOSER WHORE!" Then Andy's bald-headed security guard will come out and drag her backstage as everyone chants, "ANDY! ANDY! ANDY! ANDY!" Oh, and The Human Barbie should throw her shoes at one point during the brawl.
Obviously, I'd go with option #3, because I really want to see the Silver Fox throw a silicone croissant at a bitch.
After 601 blog posts of Tammy Lynn Michaels doing nothing but moaning and groaning about how selfish lezmonster Melissa Etheridge left her with a flatlining checking account (aka $23,000 a month) and a mutilated heart stabbed by a shiny new rubber dick, their bitter bitch custody battle is finally over. Tammy Lynn managed to get through it without having to shut down her blog because she ate her fingers off due to almost dying of the starvation forced upon her by Melissa Etheridge. It's the end of a "farting out blog haikus about your ex's box of new dicks" era!
TMZ says that Melissa and Tammy Lynn both agreed to share custody of their 5-year-old twin boys. Tammy Lynn no longer has to eat nail clippings soup for dinner and she doesn't have to suffer through EXTENSIVE retraining to get back into the work force, because Melissa is going to send her more than $23,000 a month in spousal and child support. We don't know how much more, but at least you don't have to spend your work day worrying about Tammy Lynn having to get a job, because she doesn't have to do that anymore!
The selfish part of me will miss Tammy Lynn constantly Maya Angelou-ing about the trials and tribulations of a non-working single parent trying to support two chirruns on a six figure salary. But the unselfish part of me is glad that Tammy Lynn no longer has to buy her pussy balls at The Salvation Army. I swear, Tammy Lynn has played all of this flawlessly and it's like Heather Mills was mentoring her the whole time. Trying to get thousands upon thousands of dollars out of your millionaire ex so you don't have to work IS work. Bitch deserves to retire for that. "#GOTthatmoneybitch" - TLM
Brangelina said they'd marry when otters and unicorns could marry and raise babies. Brad, there's no way out now.... - MadgesVadge
I know New York City's Health Board will try to tell you otherwise but there sure SEEMS to be a side effect when drinking the tap water. - Whamo
After this latest embarrassment, Tom has finally decided not to let Gisele dress him anymore. - perky
So this is what happens to Justin Bieber after midnight. - ohhellnawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Hayden Panettiere couldn't understand why her latest "Save the Whales" campaign failed to bring in any more donors. - SANS FARDS