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Pictures like these call for the return of Say Something Nice, so let your bitch gene go temporarily dormant (I know you won't) and let's play nice for once. Lindsay Lohan's cheeks and lips looked like they were trying to get majority share of her face as she posed at the A&E Upfronts in NYC today. A&E is part owner of Lifetime, so LiLo was there to promote Liz & Dick. Now on to the niceness!

1. That ombre face - LiLo is setting trends with that shit! Ombre face is perfect for when you can only afford 1/4th of a spray tan.

2. Those brows - The Curious Case of Ali Lohan isn't the only Lohan who can give us some serious eyebrow situation. If you need a steady hand, a spackling knife and paint thinner to strip the layers of brow pencil from your brows at the end of the night, you're doing it right! Yes, LiLo's brows sort of look like furry poops, but scat is so in!

3. That random bobby pin - 60s glamour on a Dollar Tree budget. Can't shade a bitch for being frugal IN THIS ECONOMY.

4. Those lips - Those gummy worm lips sort of make her looks like Nien Numb in drag, which is a good thing since Star Wars definitely needed more drag queen glamour.

5. That overall face - LiLo's face looks like it was harvested from Jocelyn Wildenstein's face, and that' seriously the nicest thing I've said about anybody. My nice tank is officially empty.

Sometimes when a long-running show ends, the regular cast members, whose checkin accounts are overflowing with the millions they made from that shit, buys the crew a fancy goodbye gift that says, "We'll never see each other again, but think of me when you wash your ass on this solid gold bidet." The cast of Friends bought their crew PT Kwooooozers and the cast of Dynasty bought their crew a gift basket full of diamonds, champagne, bubble bath and shoulder pads (I made that last one up). So on the last day of filming for Desperate Housewives, the crew put on their Christmas morning smiles and were all ready to collect some good shit. But the Price is Right losing horn played in all of their heads when Eva Longoria, Felicity Huffman, Marcia Cross and Vanessa Williams brought out some cheap ass luggage. That shit wasn't even Tumi! Hell, it might not have even been Samsonite. The crew members thought there would be a ticket to Tahiti inside or maybe Teri Snatcher was hiding inside (since she wasn't on the card) and would pop out holding the keys to their new Priiiiiiuuuuuus. But nope. That didn't happen.

A source tells Radar that some of the crew thought the luggage was a joke, but all of them still thought it was better than what Teri Snatcher got them which was a fart full of nothing. The scorned source put it like this:

“She hasn’t given a single gift! She’s too busy stripping her trailer of everything but the kitchen sink! She’s hired people to take out her TV, her couch and practically anything else that isn’t nailed down. They should all be embarrassed. It’s just not right.”

In short: Those bitches are cheap, four out of five of them hate Teri Snatcher and I'm sure there's an overstock of luggage from the DH cast on eBay right now. What do we expect, though? Marc Cherry was the queen cunt diva bitch of that set and he taught his gorls well.

via Celebuzz

TMZ posted what they say is proof that John Travolta couldn't have been trying to get his sweaty paws around a crotch dumpling in Beverly Hills on January 16, 2012. They say that John was filling his eating hole with another kind of dumpling that night in NYC and they have the receipt from Mr. Chow's to prove it. Before you say, "Well, that big queen could've terrorized an L.A. masseur in the morning times and hopped on his royal chariot to have dinner in NYC," TMZ also posted two pictures of John in front of a toilet (no comment) during a fitting for a movie. The pictures were apparently taken at 4:30pm and 5:21pm. I'm no Detective La Toya, but that receipt could be anybody's receipt and those pictures could've been taken at any time. Something in the milk ain't clean about those pictures too. It looks like pictures of a low-budget hologram of a John Travolta wax figure. Those creepy pictures make the pores on my skin heave the same way they do when I go to a wax museum and pretend that the figures are alive inside. I do that a lot, obviously.

Besides the receipt and the pictures ("Which prove nothing!" - Detective La Toya's apprentice, me), Johnny's lawyer Marty Singer tells Radar that he has flight and hotel records which further prove that his dick-groping hand was far away from Beverly Hills that day. But Okorie Okorocha, the lawyer for John Doe #1 and John Doe #2, says he has proof that John was in L.A. that day and the receipt ain't shit:

"I can prove and have evidence that John Travolta was in Los Angeles on January 16 when he sexually assaulted my client. I'm aware that Mr. Travolta's lawyer says he was in New York City on that date, but we have information that will prove that he was in Los Angeles on that day. The credit card receipt that Mr. Travolta says proves he was in New York City has a time stamp of 11:38 p.m., our complaint clearly says the assault occurred in the morning of January 16. This credit card receipt proves absolutely nothing, and it doesn't account for the day of January 16. My client was sexually assaulted at 10am, Travolta could make it to New York on horseback in that time."

I see how you snuck in a bareback joke there, Mr. Okorocha. Well played. Well played.

Mr. Okoracho also said that his office has been flooded with dozens, if not hundreds, of calls from massage therapists and witnesses with their own stories about John Travolta's molesting ways. He expects to file many, many more lawsuits against Tommy Girl's main homegirl.

Wonderful. Stock up on the barf bleach and brain bags (see I'm already so sick that I can't even put words in the right places), because it's going to be a long summer of hearing about how John Travolta begged with his butt for a finger bang and how his crotch bush is thicker than his wigs. I hate John Travolta for this. I hate Xenu for this. But most of all, I hate myself for reading every line of both lawsuits like Jackie Collins wrote it. I couldn't even eat a dried strawberry in my cereal this morning without thinking of John Travolta's butt mouth chomping at the bit.

Vidal Sassoon is now up in heaven, giving the angels the Rosemary's Baby cut. Yeah, it's going to be awkward when the angels find out Rosemary was Satan's baby mama.... - SOW

Isabella Cruise awkwardly talks like the hard drive in her head was manufactured in the same factory that the hard drive in Stepford Katie's head was manufactured in - Lainey Gossip

Courtney Stodden and the pimp who gave birth to her celebrate Mother's Day early by doing what you're going to do with your mother on Mother's Day: pose in a staged photo shoot while pretending to bake in a morning shift hooker's favorite outfit - The Superficial

Andrew Garfield has the eyebrows of a puppy and I don't know why I've never noticed this - The Berry

As with all Carly Rae Repsen lip dubs, this one is best viewed with the mute button firmly pressed - Towleroad

I'd much rather watch a reality show where Adam Levine and Xtina figuratively kick at each other's asshole for the reigning title of Diva Bitch - Celebitchy

Did Teen Mom Jenelle tell her back alley plastic surgeon to give her tits like A-Rod's? - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

The words "Dakota Fanning" and "coin slot" are not words I want to see in the same sentence together - Hollywood Tuna

The war between the Armenian Sasquatch Whore Army and the Death Eaters has just begun! - Celebslam

I can practically see Jennifer Love Hewitt's coochie rhinestones - Popoholic

The chichis lover in me hopes that Sofia Vergara rebounds with Jesse "Big Tits" Metcalfe - ICYDK

Dear Johnny Depp, Adam Ant wants his EVERYTHING back - Popsugar

Angie Jo will not be romancing Michael Fassbender's bone after all - Just Jared

Lightweight. - I'm Not Obsessed

Celebwhores ruin everything - Cityrag

Carmen Electra's face is now made of the same greatest stuff on earth as her tits - Hollywood Rag

If one of your fantasies is for Jon Hamm to pretend to be your high school guidance counselor, then this video is for you and I won't judge you for wanting to put on your school girl uniform before pressing play. Kinky bitch.

Jon Hamm slipped into Ask A Grown Man chair for Rookie, and answered a bunch of questions from teen girls. What I learned from this is that Jon endorses farts (Jon Hamm 4 Farts 2012) and that he's hot even when he looks like he just got out of a sweat lodge after smoking weed mixed with peyote for the past 4 days.

Tom Gabel, the lead singer of Florida punk band Against Me!, tells Rolling Stone that she's always felt like a woman (side note: Apologies if that last part made you think of THAT Shania Twain song. It won't ever leave your head now. You can slap me the next time you see me). and now she's taking the steps to match her outside to her inside. Tom will eventually change her name to Laura Jane Grace and will soon start taking hormones. Laura only told a few family and friends before coming out publicly about her transition to Rolling Stone.

"I'm going to have embarrassing moments and that won't be fun. But that's part of what talking to you is about – is hoping people will understand, and hoping they'll be fairly kind."

Laura has a 2-year-old daughter with her wife Heather, and she says that Heather is sticking by her and supporting her through her transition:

"For me, the most terrifying thing about this was how she would accept the news. But she's been super-amazing and understanding."

Wait. What is that warm, fuzzy, unnatural and slightly strange feeling that's covering the charbroiled piece of ground vulture meat in my chest? Is that what a warm feeling feels like? I haven't felt that way since I read The Hunger Games. Yes, I actually went through emotions while reading the damn stupid Hunger Games. The fuck is wrong with me? You can slap me a second time for that.

Wife of the Year award to Heather! Brave Bitch of the Award to Laura! Yes, shitty things happen in the world, but sometimes nice things happen like this and like Obama finally giving a thumbs up to Mah Boo asking for my hand in marriage. (That's what I'm taking from that quote.)

And as I retreat back into my cunt shell, listen to Against Me!'s song Ocean where Laura tells us where her name came from:

I'd never buy a hot dog with extra sauerkraut or extra cheese from Catherine Scalia, but I still count her as one of my newest idols and watch the clip above from MyFoxNY if you want to know way. The former HSOTD and the hot dog water-covered pride of Long Island was put into handcuffs last week after an undercover cop claims that she sold him a hot dog, a lap dance and tried to sell him a John Travolta special (aka a handjob). Miss Catherine was released from jail and celebrated her return to the wild by flashing her all-natural, hormone-free ball park beef boobies at the cameras.

One of Catherine's sons told The Post that she served 4 years in prison for selling her ass on the stroll, but she swears that she's the Hot Dog Stripper and not the Hot Dog Hooker. The Hot Dog Stripper will plead innocent to the prostitution charge and she also plans to keep baring her nipples for a $1 in her hot dog truck.

Oh, Hot Dog Stripper, keep hot doggin' and keep ho'in! I can't wait until Lifetime eventually does the Hot Dog Stripper movie starring Lindsay Lohan or Sue Hawk.

Does this mean that Chanel No. 5 is finally going to retire that Nicole Kidman commercial, because if I hear coo out the line "I love to dance!" one more time...

Chanel announced this morning that Chanel No. 5 will be the odor every Brangeloonie secretes when they're in heat, because Brad Pitt is officially the new face of that shit. This is the first time a dude has ever been the face of Chanel No. 5 and it's Brad's first time hawking a beauty product. The amount of Brad's paycheck hasn't been confirmed, but Entertainment Weekly says that Chanel has stuffed seven figures into the lock box held by Pax, the child army's official treasurer. Chanel released this first picture from the campaign of Brad looking like he's hungover and trying to control himself from barfing at both ends while posing for his passport photo.

Unless Chanel tweaked the formula in Chanel No. 5 so that it can be used as a vagina douche now, this doesn't make sense to me, but whatever. My biggest complaint is that Chanel chose the worst picture to start this campaign. This is why Maddox should approve every single piece of publicity material before it goes out, because he would've never signed off on this. This picture makes Brad look like he's really selling enemas. This picture works for Chanel No. 2, not for Chanel No. 5.

They should've went with something like this instead:

Now that's how you sell stank in a bottle.

Because of the Met Ball avalanche that hit me yesterday (I'm still plucking Beyonce's feathers out of my mouth and putting ice over my eyeball from getting poked by Anja Rubik's hip shank), I didn't have time to get to the Linda Evangelista child support case. But to quote Francois-Henri Pinault every time one of his girlfriends tells him that she's gotten her period after a pregnancy scare: better late than never, bitch!

For days, Linda and fashion mogul Franny were fighting it out over the $46,000 she wanted a month to take care of her 5-year-old son Augie. Even though the custom-made panda fur toilet paper Franny wipes his ass with costs more than $46,000 a roll, he didn't want to pay that and told the court that Linda was going to use most of the money on herself.

Finally, after spending the weekend fighting it out, Linda and Franny came to an agreement on Monday. Linda, who gave us serious businesswoman with MONAY glamour, sashayed into a Manhattan court yesterday to sign the agreement after the judge approved it. The agreement has been stuffed into a condom and sealed forever, so the details aren't known. But a source tells the NYDN that the settlement is “nowhere near $46,000 a month.”

But is it over the $19,000 a month (the current New York State record) Diddy pays, because us appreciators of gold diggers need to know whether or not we should raise our shovels in victory? Franny is a dead-hearted piece of trash if he's giving Linda less than $19,000 a month in child support. How is she going to live on pennies?! I guess we'll know if we see Augie shuffling around the street and instead of an armed bodyguard at his side, he's got a whistle around his neck and some pepper spray in his hand. And instead of a 24-hour nanny holding his hand, he's holding a walkie talkie his mom gave him. That better not happen, because just like Joan Collins, it's not right for Linda Evangelista to play poor in real life, fake life or ANY life.

When Fox announced that they were mashing together NBC's The Voice and The Dating Game by airing a blind date show with celebrities in spinning chairs, I figured that they would take the definition of "celebrity" all the way and blow a star dust storm in our eyes. I'm not wrong! Last night, Entertainment Weekly posted the list of stars who sit and spin for a date on The Choice, and they really reached deep into the A-list universe for this one. And by that I mean they went on their tiptoes, reached into the A-list universe, lost their balance and fell backwards into the bottom of a barrel where they found most of their cast. When Joe Jonas is the biggest star, you know the rest of the cast is going to make the first season of The Surreal Life look like a night at the Oscars.

Here's the full list and prepare to repeatedly say the line White Oprah says to her youngest one (aka the one who doesn't make her any money) when he asks her for a hug: "And you are....?"

Joe Jonas - Former purity ring wearer, sometime yodeler and current blind item star
Pauly D - Jersey Shore whore and #3 on the Health Department's Most Wanted list
Romeo - Child rapper, child actor and the trick who confuses my nipples since he sort of looks like Webster on roids
Dean Cain - Rick Perry supporter and the Superman to Teri Snatcher's Lois
Tyson Beckford - Supermodel and one of the biggest advocates of the Bushy Pubes for Men Club
Rima Fakih - Noted drunk driver and Miss USA 2010
Carmen Electra - A flower from Prince's garden
Sophie Monk - Australian pop something and fellow Wonky McValtrex hater
Rob Kardashian - Ugh
Rocco DiSpirito - Part-time chef, full-time reality whore
Warren Sapp - Football player
Finesse Mitchell - Comedian and former SNL cast member
Jeremy Bloom - Olympic freestyle skier
Jason Cook - Soap opera actor
Michael Catherwood - Co-host of Loveline, former DWTS contestant and the trick whose last name sounds like the medical name for getting a boner while a catheter's up on your peen
Seth Wescott - Olympic snowboarder
Parker Young - The hot but dumb jock son of Ana Gasteyer on Suburgatory
Ndamukong Suh - Football player
Dr. Robert Nettles - Plastic surgeon
Taylor Hicks - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
The Situation - Jersey Shore whore and #1 on the Health Department's Most Wanted list
Rob Gronkowski - Football player
Steven López - Olympic martial arts fighter
Hope Dworaczyk - Playboy Playmate of 2010

See. It's like looking at a line-up of all your one-night stands. So many questions marks filling your head!

You know who's missing from this, though? JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT! The Choice is something right out of her Vajazzled wet dreams. It was made for her. Was Fox afraid that there wouldn't be any men for the other tricks, because every time one came out, JLove would tackle him and secure him with a tuxedo straitjacket before dragging him to the nearest chapel? Did legal not clear JLove, because they were afraid of all the accessory to stalking lawsuits they'd be hit with? Oh, whatever. JLove doesn't need to be on the show to catch a man. During every taping, JLove will hide around the corner from the studio exit door with a rope in her hand. Whenever she smells a man, she'll drop the rope and a cage will fall on him. SCORE! JLove never gets a husband, but she ALWAYS gets her man.