Putting your hooves through some serious pain must be the thing to do this week.

Julianne Moore sent all her piggies scrambling for air when she shoved all of them into tiny shoes. And now here's Kim Kartrashian with her feet packed so tight into her shoes that they look pig's feet wrapped in plastic. Your feet should not look like they belong in the refrigerator at 99 Ranch Market and my abuelita should not want to use them to make sopa.

What's the point of being pregnant if you're not going to sprawl your ass on the sofa and eat Nilla Wafers dipped in Hershey syrup and Fluff? Oh, I guess the point for Kim is to strangle her body with ridiculous clothes and give birth to a baby she can whore out for an extra check. I get it, but DAMN. Bitch's swollen hooves look like they need to be hooked up to an oxygen mask and an IV full of fluids.

And on another note, why is dressed like Jor-El?

Which former boybander, who likes to trash his former father-in-law, better be careful about upsetting his former wife?

After he recently bashed his ex-in-law, his ex-wife has told friends she’ll come to her dad’s defense–telling pals that her ex-man may have a big mouth, but he has a small penis! (Naughty But Nice Rob)

This is the opposite of blind and it's obviously supposed to be about Nick Lachey. No question mark needed. If it is true, then it really isn't a big deal (not punned on purpose), because what Nick lacks in peen he makes up for in tits!

I can tell you that there’s a girl who’s pregnant and even though she says she says that her steady is the father, she’s really not sure it’s not one of her co-stars, who sleeps with almost all their colleagues and with whom she used to bootycall on the regular. Depends on what the mouth looks like when the baby comes. Does that help a little? (Lainey Gossip via Blind Gossip)

Kim Kardashian and Bruce Jenner! Or Heather Morris and Chord Overstreet? If she pops out a giant set of lips covered in blond hair, Maury won't need to step in.

Which celebrity couple, whom recent had an ugly split, is not being totally honest – the two of them have agreed to pretend to be “at war” with each other to add a little drama, and a lot of attention to the otherwise dull story.

“They are both genius when it comes to PR. They know a seemingly ugly divorce will get both of them a lot of attention, which they both love, plus, it will make them both a lot more money in the long run,” one friend of the couple’s explains.

“The two of them still live together and have dinner together most nights, however, whenever they are in public they pretend they have no contact with the other person,” adds another pal. “These two have both worked out how to make a lot of money from being famous and have no plans to stop now. After they officially get divorced they will both be laughing all the way to the bank – together.”

The joke is on us! (Naughty But Nice Rob)

Bethenny Frankelstein and Jason Hoppy?

This B list mostly television actress with A list name recognition from a very hit cable show is set to announce her divorce when she is hidden away filming the next season of her show. She does not want to answer any questions which would seem to mean there is a third person involved. (CDAN)

The only thing I've got is billionaire Julia Louis-Dreyfus?

This A list mostly movie actress says that she wants to get divorced, but does not want to be the bad person so has tried to set up her celebrity husband and get him to cheat with women she has hired. The problem is her husband is so dumb that he believes his wife actually loves him. (CDAN)

Not Goopy, because Goopy is the perfect woman and NOBODY cheats on Goopy. So Julia Roberts?

Either Miley Cyrus dropped half of her chipmunk face on a mountain of coke or her make-up artist hates her and wants people to know it - Hollywood Tuna

Casper Smart's gold digging mission is almost complete and he should be proud of himself for achieving such success before even graduating from potty training academy  - Lainey Gossip

Teen Mom Farrah's backdoor bikini is on eBay and I'm surprised nobody has asked if anal leakage stains are included - Drunken Stepfather

Kirstie Alley is the Rosa Parks of fat actresses, basically - Celebitchy

Try not to spit out your tampon from shock when we all find out that Premo Stallone is an actor Pimp Mama Kris hired to get Kourtney Kartrashian some tabloid attention - The Superficial

Uma Thurman will play Anita Bryant - Towleroad

EVERYBODY'S leaving Saturday Night Live and they might as well just get Justin Timberlake to replace them all and call it a day - Just Jared

Jason Hoppy wants to gag Bethenny Frankelstein, but not in a sexy way - Reality Tea

Emma Watson in W Magazine - Popoholic

Kelly Rowland claims she was jealous of Beyonce being more successful than her after Destiny's Child split up (The Illuminati made her say it)  - ICYDK

The third dude should totally be the next Bachelor - The Berry 

And here's Tom Hopper's ass, because you need something to wipe away the image of Teen Mom Farrah's anal leakage stains - OMG Blog

Selena Gomez seconds after she realized that she dated Justin Bieber once - IDLYITW

Violet from American Horror Story cleans up good - Popsugar

Why Pimp Mama Kris hasn't whored out Rob Kartrashian to Jenny Craig yet is beyond me - I'm Not Obsessed

Fame whore still fighting fame whore fame whore-ly on Twitter - HuffPo

As always, RiRi is the definition of sophistication and demureness - Jezebel

Christina Hendricks' mother, is that you? - SOW

Puppy licks lollipop. Monkey steals lollipop from puppy. Monkey licks lollipop. Monkey lets puppy lick the lollipop. Monkey bops puppy on the head with lollipop. Monkey busts out of that scene before the cops arrive.

Well, it's nice to know that while Lindsay Lohan is in lockdown rehab, somebody is out here doing her dirty work for her.

via Tastefully Offensive

Just a few minutes into Teen Mom Farrah's porn debut in Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom, she tells James Deen that she needs to run downstairs to get the lube, because she wants to get into some ass play. (Who knew that backdoor teen moms are just like John Travolta, because that's exactly what he says five minutes into a massage.) Farrah tells James that it's been so long since a dick has come a'knocking on her backdoor and when he asks, "Really? When was the last time?", her dumb ass says, "This is my first time!" (Side note: I hate myself for typing "a dick has come a'knocking on her backdoor," because it made me think of the Three's Company theme song. Now, all day I'll be singing to myself, "Come on fuck my backdoor, stick your dick in some poo..." Actually, I sing that every day, all day anyway, but you know...)

Guess what? That wasn't the first time Teen Mom Farrah's culo hole has been poked by a peen. During an interview with The Dirty's Nik Richie about her porn, he asked her why she skipped coochie sex and went straight to butt sex in her tape. There's a good reason for why the close-up on Farrah's b-hole during her anal sex scene reminds me of that scene in The Descent when Sarah falls down a black hole of doom. Farrah loves butt sex, has had butt sex tons of time and got her butt cherry popped when she was just 15. Nik and Farrah's conversation about her love of backdoor banging went like this:

Nik: For a girl that doesn't have sex a lot, all of a sudden you're like, "I want anal"?

Farrah: I've had anal before.

Nik: And you like it?

Farrah: I do!

Nik: Number one choice? Like that's what you want to do?

Farrah: Why not? I had anal before I had "real" sex. Like if you want to know sexual history, I mean, I can choose whatever I want.

Nik: I do want to know your sexual history.

Farrah: This is a little bit weird, but if you want to go there... That's how I feel. Why can't I do whatever I want? I can hang from a monkey bar and do sex up there first if I wanted to.

Nik: But you're telling me you had anal before you had actual "real" sex.

Farrah: In my real life.

Nik: From Derek or from someone else? Farrah: I had anal with somebody else.

Nik: At what age?

Farrah: 15. Then I started dating Derek and then having, like, real sex.

Nik: And you enjoyed anal more?

Farrah: I did.

Why does Nik Richie keep on getting on Farrah about ass sex? He should be encouraging her to only have ass sex. It's better for humanity if Backdoor Ferret only gets it in the butt, because then she won't procreate! (Unless she has ass sex with Lil' Wayne, because his super mutant sperm are equipped with GPS devices and will find a way to get to her ovaries.)

And I cannot discuss this anymore due to conflict of interest in butt sex.

via Hollywood Life

First we find out that Antoine Dodson is un-gaying himself, then we find out that Cleveland hero Charles Ramsey was in prison for committing domestic abuse years ago and now THIS! If Sweet Brown is arrested on arson charges, then the Internet needs to take its final bow and exit the stage.

Kai the Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker might soon be known as Kai the Hatchet Wielding Murderer. ABC 30 says that police in Union City, New Jersey have issued a warrant for Kai the Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker (born name: Caleb Lawrence McGillvary). Police believe that Kai used something (probably his hatchet) to smash smash smu-ash a man to death. Joseph Galfy, the victim, was found dead inside his home three days ago. Authorities say that an autopsy showed that Joseph Galfy died from blunt force trauma to the head. The authorities didn't say what Joseph Galfy's relationship to the stoner homeless Thor was, but they did say that Kai cut his hair and was last seen getting on a train.

The police consider him armed and dangerous. DUH! He has a hatchet.

Kai became an internet hero superstar earlier this year when he beat down a crazy racist who was violently attacking a woman in Fresno.

Life was so much simpler then. Those were the days when Kai used his hatchet for good instead of evil. ....Unless, maybe Joseph Galfy was an evil doer and Kai is like a hatchet-wielding stoner Dexter. Yeah, probably not. This has smash smash smuh-ashed my heart into a million pieces. I don't know the Internet anymore!

UPDATE: A dude on Facebook who could be Kai left this on his wall on Tuesday:

what would you do if you woke up with a groggy head, metallic taste in your mouth, in a strangers house... walked to the mirror and seen come dripping from the side of your face from your mouth, and started wretching, realizing that someone had drugged, raped, and blown their fuckin load in you? what would you do?

So I guess the answer is smash smash smu-ash that someone to death and then skip town?

(Thanks, Grace) 

And this...

And this...

David Beckham announced today that he is retiring from handling balls, professionally, and his bulge may never grace a field again. 38-year-old (which is CRUSTY ANCIENT OLD in sports years) said in a statement today that once his season with Paris Saint-Germain is over, he's going to devote all of his time to selling his used jockstraps on eBay.

"[I am] thankful to PSG for giving me the opportunity to continue but I feel now is the right time to finish my career, playing at the highest level. If you had told me as a young boy I would have played for and won trophies with my boyhood club Manchester United, proudly captained and played for my country over one hundred times and lined up for some of the biggest clubs in the world, I would have told you it was a fantasy. I'm fortunate to have realized those dreams.

To this day, one of my proudest achievements is captaining my country. I knew every time I wore the Three Lions shirt, I was not only following in a long line of great players, I was also representing every fan that cared passionately about their country. I'm honored to represent England both on and off the pitch. ... I want to thank all my teammates, the great managers that I had the pleasure of learning from. I also want to thank the fans who have all supported me and given me the strength to succeed."

Becks may be retired, but the memory of his soccer field nipples, soccer field bulge and soccer field acts of homoeroticism will forever live on Google Images (and in a folder I keep on my desktop).

It was kind of fitting that Kanye Kardashian (née West) performed in a pyramid at Adult Swim's Upfront event at Roseland in NYC last night, because he was the Queen of Denial when he said that he's a musical artist and he's not a "celebrity" or a paparazzi star. The delusion is thick.

Kanye was the surprise musical guest at Adult Swim's Upfront even and if anybody thought they were going to get 90 minutes of non-stop music, they must not know Kanye. Because no Kanye West show is complete without a whiny, hissy fit rant about how hard it is being Kanye West. There's not a pacifier big enough to shut his gaping whine hole. Kanye started off his cry fest by saying that he's not a celebrity, he's a terrible celebrity, and all he does is make real music and he's not here to be on the cover of tabloids.

Bumping his dome on that sign last week was totally a metaphor for Kanye's life. Kanye's head is so far up his own ass that he's blind to the fact that he's the best kind of tabloid celebrity because of all of his anus-popping meltdowns and ALL-CAPS rants. On top of all of that, he put a fetus into the fame whore of all fame whores whose oxygen is the flash from a paparazzo's camera. Bitch is trying to act like he's the J.D. Salinger of hip hop. He's about as reclusive as Kim Kartrashian.

Miss Info transcribed Kanye's latest cry baby rant if you really don't want to fill your ears with the sound of his whining:

“I ain’t no muthafuckin celebrity… There’s one thing about me, I’m a terrible, terrible terrible celebrity. I don’t know if you really know there’s one thing about me but I’m the worst kind of, the worst kind of celebrity. All I do is make real music. All I do is sit in the studio and make real shit. And that’s it. And that’s muthafuckin it. That’s muthafuckin it!

So I don’t want no people runnin’ up on me with cameras, trying to like sell pictures and shit to magazines, asking me dumb ass questions, throwin’ me off my focus and shit. Harrasin’ you all muthafuckin day. I ain’t no muthafuckain celebrity.

It’s so funny. Somebody asked me, ‘when you do SNL, are you going to do a skit about the paparazzi and shit. And like humanize yourself? I ain’t hear to apologize to no muthafuckas man. It ain’t about me humanizing myself. At one point did I become un-human where I had to turn myself back. Or maybe I was demonized, or maybe I was treated inhumane and not human in that type of situation. I ain’t no muthafuckin celebrity. I ain’t runnin’ for office. I ain’t kissin’ nobody’s muthafuckin babies. I drop your baby and you muthafuckain sue me and shit. I’m trying to make some music that inspires people to be the best that they can be. And I don’t want nobody else to ask anything of me! Don’t ask nothing else of me.

Muthafuckas chasin you down, about to make you crash and shit. And all they want is for a nigga to laugh and shit. Hell nah, I ain’t doin no muthafuckin SNL skits. This is my Goddamn life. This ain’t no muthafuckin joke.

Whenever anybody would scream out "¡Santo Dios!" in front of my abuelita, she'd slap them with her eyes before grabbing her rosary to say a prayer for their sinful souls. Well, Pimp Mama Kris is probably clutching Lucifer's loin cloth and repeating an Illuminati chant to herself, because almost everything that Kanye said last night is against her religion.

Not pictured: The dozens of hands coming for Karolina Kurkova's blond ponytail. Somebody needed to yank that ginge-stealing hussy tramp's hair and drag her away for shamelessly air kissing on Prince Hot Ginge in front of all of us. And if we could see Karolina Kurkova's face, you know she'd be saying, "And he's anointing me with his scepter too, you jealous whores," with her eyes. It's like eating warm hot carrot bread in front of a starving orphan.

The clouds are covering the sun, millions of genitals have gone into hibernation and we can all put our lube with SPF away, because Prince Hot Ginge has finished scooting across America and is going back to England today. The last stop on PHG's tour was a charity polo match in Greenwich, Connecticut yesterday afternoon.

It's a sad day in America, but PHG will be back in a few months for the birth of his quadruplets with Karolina Kurkova (yes, air kissing with PHG immediately leads to a severe case of the BABIES!!) and the birth of his ginger centaur baby with the horse he rode in yesterday's match (yes, PHG can knock up a horse even when he rides it with protection).

And Karolina Kurkova should shellac the inside of her nostrils, because she's obviously inhaling a huge PHG fart here. Never wash your nose again, KK.

Rejected by the Macy's parade committee, the Def Jam balloon featured a tribute to Russell Simmons and the hot dogs that were surgically removed from Kimora Lee's neck. - Dawn Davenport

Runners-up:

After much begging and pleading from PMK, The city of Los Angeles finally agreed to give Kim Kardashian her very own float for the upcoming Memorial Day parade. - N.

Oh, look! Jennifer Aniston's honeymoon balloon ride 'accidentally' crash landed on St. Angie's property. Well played Jennifer, well played. - seejaneclick

via Boing Boing