Skinny Bones Jones
When I first saw these pictures, I hadn't yet done my usual morning routine of eyeballing coffee, so I thought this was either Samantha Ronson in serious lady drag or a dressed down Rylan Clark. But it's a fupa-less Boy George! On the left is Boy George in 2010 with some chunk on his body and on the right is Boy George this past weekend with all of the chunk off of his body. Boy George went to the WhatsonStage.com awards in London last night and gone from his body were his stack of luscious chins and his magnificent chichis. Since he was in the mood of getting rid of things, bitch should've gotten rid of that hat too.
HuffPo points out that Boy George tweeted a picture of his new body and it made some of his followers ask him how he lost all of the chunk. No, Boy George didn't tweet back with "coke and lots of ass sex." Boy George tweeted the link to some nutritionist who teaches people how to eat healthy and other boring stuff like that.
Never mind that Boy George's face tattoos looks like something I doodled on my Pee Chee folder in 1992, I'm really supposed to believe that he lost all that weight from exercise and eating healthy. That doesn't happen! Bitch is probably up to his old tricks and lost all that weight from chasing Norwegian escorts around his apartment.
Posh, Anne Hathway, LeAnn Rimes and Rachel "Chupa" Zoe, eat your heart out. I only mean that figuratively, because hearts are fatty and full of calories and will make you fat and ew!
Jared Leto has to buy all of his underwear in the toddler section at Babies 'R Us, because he was already skinnier than Chris Brown's extra long pencil dick and now he's even skinnier. As everyone already knows, Jordan Catalano fought the hot and won when he dropped over 10 pounds and waxed his brows off to play a transgender woman with HIV in The Dallas Buyers Club. Matthew McConaughey also lost a whole lot of weight for that movie and said he did it by cutting all carbs from his daily diet. Jared, however, tells Vulture that he got Kate Moss skinny by fasting. Fasting is basically the GOOP way of saying, "I'm starving myself!" Jared said this about fasting for his art:
"Your body goes through weird stages. Sometimes it's hard to hold on to water. But for me, it's not about the most weight I can lose, it's more to represent the character. I'm focused on what it means to be a transsexual woman. Historically, people have done it for pursuit of self, to achieve a meditative state, so I'm hoping for that, and not the other things. It's not necessarily a bad thing."
I won't be surprised if one day I'm driving down the street and see Jared Leto's stomach bag trying to hitchhike its way out of town. It's going to leave his body any day now, because he keeps treating it like shit. Jared gained a bunch of chunk for that Chapter 27 movie and now he's starving himself. His stomach is confused. You know what else is probably confused? Jared's peen. Dr. Oz says that when a dude's body shrinks, his dick grows and when his body grows, his dick shrinks. Confusing your internal organs is one thing, but confusing your external organ is a crime. There's nothing sadder than a confused peen.
And since Jared's got more to tuck now (cut to Jared wrapping a Spanx condom around his bigger peen to make it skinnier), he should probably win the Oscar for Best Tuck Game.
(Pic via Terry's Diary)
Taco Bell executives are bawling into each other's arms, because it's been months since Matthew McConaughey has pulled up to one of their drive-thrus and said, "Alright alright alright, just throw everything on the menu into a blender, liquefy for 20 seconds and pour directly into my slop hole" after a major bonge binge. The Texas T-Rex temporarily broke up with his true love, the good shit, a few months ago, because he needed to shrink himself to the size of a Marc Anthony to play the lead role in The Dallas Buyer's Club. Matthew is playing real-life person Ron Woodruff, a womanizing homophobic junkie who got HIV in the mid-80s from dirty needles and later became an important AIDS activist.
After months of only eating protein and very little carbs, Matthew left LAX on Friday to finally begin shooting TDBC in
Texas New Orleans with Jared Leto and Jennifer Garner. Matthew long said that his goal is to not look healthy and he definitely achieved that. Dude's head looks like it's trying to escape from his neck and his normally stubby T-rex arms look extra long. Dude looks like a caricature drawing come to life. If he does get that Oscar, they should give him a trophy that's gold foil on the outside and chocolate on the inside.
Matthew can easily gain all the weight back just by sniffing something deep fried at The Texas State Fair, but he should try to keep all the weight off so that he can play the Toys 'R Us giraffe in a biopic. That's how he'll really get that Oscar he wants. But seriously, dude looks like a giraffe. I want to drive up next to him in a Jeep and feed him leaves.
Posh (seen here looking like an extraterrestrial Ruth Bader Ginsburg), David Beckham and their chirruns all spent the holiday weekend with testicle-faced Gordon Ramsay, and if UsWeekly is telling the truth, she probably only nibbled on plain Easter basket grass at dinner. A source tells UsWeekly that on more than one occasion, Posh has only ordered the guinea pig special at restaurants. One source said that at Il Pastaio in Beverly Hills last month, Posh only ate arugula with no dressing. Yes, Posh is that ho saying she's full after sucking down a blade of dry grass while you're sitting there chewing on a delicious piece of steak fat like it's bubble gum. (You really haven't had a delicious meal until you've tried to blow a steak fat bubble.)
Why does Posh even bother going to restaurants if she's just going to chew on greenery? The only reason to go to a restaurant is to eat delicious foods you can't order from takeout. The rest of the experience sucks. You have to put on pants and listen to strangers at the next table talk about their lives. Posh should've just stayed home and licked on the fern in her front yard.
Posh said recently that she doesn't have an eating disorder and I don't think this story proves that she's telling lies. However, I do think this story proves my suspicions that she's a fucking bunny rabbit. I bet her poops roll.
When Les Misérables the movie comes later this year and your soul really feels warmly touched by the intensely raw emotions coming off of Anne Hathaway, just know that her face isn't straining because death is slowly taking her as she worries about the future of her child. It's because the bitch is damn hongray! Bitch is a dreaming a dream that involves candy bars, a long five-course dinner at Outback and 7 minutes in Jessica Simpson's pantry.
The Mirror says that the powers-that-be told Anne Hathaway they need her to get down to Taylor Armstrong levels of malnourishment to pull off her (SPOILER ALERT) death bed scenes. Anne has only 20 days to lose a total of 16 pounds, taking her from a size 6 to a size 2. Every day, Anne wakes up, asks herself "WWLRE (What would LeAnn Rimes Eat?)" and nibbles on a couple of apples and a protein shake. Anne is working with a doctor who is monitoring her 500 calories-a-day diet. The source explains, “Anne is playing a destitute factory worker-come-lady of the night. Unfortunately, she only has 15 to 20 days to lose as much weight as possible – up to a stone-and-a-half – because she’s been filming the scenes showing her fit and healthy, almost slightly chubby. It’s not ideal but, as with any high-budget movie, there are strict time constraints. Anne knows the risk of such an extreme diet and will undergo weekly medicals to make sure everything is still functioning as it should do.”
I'm pretty sure that I put 500 calories in my body just from gargling with bubble gum-flavored Act mouthwash (FOR KIDS!), so if I wanted to lose 16 pounds, I'd have to pull a Tami Roman by wiring my jaw shut and finding a way to belt those songs without opening my mouth. But we shouldn't feel sorry for Anne. Anne is getting paid millions of dollars to eat like a Posh for a couple of measly weeks. Insert starvingchildrenoftheworldnotamused.jpeg here.
On The View yesterday morning (click here to see that mess, try to ignore Pimp Mama Kris), Dr. Drew, who holds a PhD in fame whoring, finally broke his silence on the state of Angie Jolie's nutrition and said that he can no longer keep his mouth shut about the health of a skinny trick he has never treated. Dr. Drew is so good that he can diagnose a bitch through pictures and by reading reports in the highly credible medical journal we all know as UsWeekly. Dr. Drew is obviously the only doctor anybody listens to, so he's letting it be known that he thinks Angie is dangerously close to shriveling away until the only thing that's left of her is that attention whore right leg (because it's going to haunt us forever).
"It's another condition where, I saw that, and I spoke up about it on my HLN program, because I felt I had to. I am tired of keeping quiet about this stuff. When I was quiet about the prescription drug use and everybody started dying, and now I feel an obligation to speak up. She's malnourished. She has the stigmata of malnutrition. There are reports, Us Weekly reported she was doing it to make a statement about the kids in Africa that she was working with that didn't have a chance to eat. Who knows what the reason is. I just see malnutrition there and we shouldn't look at that as an ideal of beauty is what I'm saying. She's a beautiful woman, but she needs to be better nourished."
"I'm tired of keeping quiet!" - Dr. Drew
"We're tired of you NOT keeping quiet!" - The World
Dr. Drew is supposed to be the greatest doctor since Dr. Quinn and the best shit he can come up with is that Angie Jolie is malnourished? Anybody who isn't a member of a thinspo journal can see that Angie's got pencil dick arms and needs to take an eatin' tour or twenty with Jessica Simpson. Dr. Drew is Dr. DUH. But you know, maybe the wise words of the all-knowing Dr. Fame Whore had an effect on Angie (no, they didn't), because here she is at McDonald's with Brad Pitt today. Dr. Drew is so going to take credit for Angie sniffing two McDonald's fries instead of one.
Brought to you by Becks' Facebook page (via Buzzfeed), here's Posh Beckham making icicles form on the assholes of Lucifer's minions in hell by actually cracking a slight smile while doing a "ball check" pose in front of her husband's billboard in NYC. This is some historic shit since we all figured Posh's mouth was permanently flatlining into bitch mode. Posh can smile! But Posh stopped smiling after a dude parked his car in front of her, got out and tried to stick a quarter in her mouth since she's as skinny as a damn meter.
And here's a few hilariously awkward pictures of Posh, Hamish Bowles and Anna Wintour in the subway at the inaugural run of a Union Jack covered car for the GREAT Britain campaign in NYC today. It's known that Posh would give all five hundred of her kids to get on the cover of American Vogue and Anna Wintour's acting like she's not even alive. To be honest, I don't even know if Posh is alive, because damn it looks like she shares a make-up artist with The Walking Dead. I feel like I'm Haley Joel Osment and she's one of my ghost visitors. Posh is looking like a Dark Crystal puppet inspired by The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and the Mexican zombie (Zombican?) from the Black Eyed Peas. Somebody get Posh 1/1000th of a Triple Bypass Burger!
I meant to cover this mess yesterday, but blacked it out (for obvious reasons) and remembered it again as I knocked the nightmare smegma balls from my eyes this morning. Sometime this morning, I had a life-ruining night terror where I was trapped in the body of Melania Trump and was on my way to dinner with Donald Trump and my Tia Lupita. My Tia Lupita never slapped me in the mouth for dragging her to dinner with Donald Trump and I didn't even seem to mind that I was about to swallow food next to a talking hairy ass boil. It was just a terrifying sleeping experience and it was so horrific that my brain tried to cleanse itself of it by secreting sticky pus balls (Not Jizz. I wish). As I knocked them out with a Q-Tip this morning, I looked at that Q-Tip and it sort of reminded me of something. It reminded me of this Romanian model with a 20-inch waist!
The Sun (read: so it's probably fake) talked to 30-year-old "model" Ioana Spangenberg who can wear a cock ring as a belt and who can keep a hula hoop up without moving her body. "The Human Hourglass" claims that her 20-inch waist came to her naturally after puberty. Ioana eats chocolate, chips and huge meals all day and her waist still stays pinched like that. It's Iona's metabolism, obviously. Bitch's metabolism is so crazy that it even ate her stomach. Ioana tells The Sun that she always self-conscious about her body, but she began to embrace the skinny after she met her husband:
"When I was 13 my waist was around 15 inches. Someone could put their hands around it, their fingers would touch and they would still have extra room. In Romania it is better to be overweight, because that means you are from a wealthy family. So while my friends were going out and dating, I was sitting at home with Mars bars wishing I could fatten up.
Jan [her husband] was the first person who saw me as beautiful and encouraged me to celebrate my body. He asked me to pose in some photos for him. He was so impressed he put them online and the response was amazing. I would still like to gain weight so I don't look so shocking — and now that I live in Germany I can't get enough pizza or kebabs. But I'm finally comfortable in my own skin."
Ioana doesn't mention any kind of corset training and I just can't believe that her internal organs naturally migrated into her ass. I bet if Ioana swallows a pea, you'd hear it free fall down her body before popping out of her crotch since there's no organs in the way waiting to digest it. I just want to wear her as a bow tie.
And if you're still squinting at that picture while thinking to yourself that it should get a Photoshop and a Fun House Mirror Award, here's Ioana's hourglass body in action:
Protip: Do not go to skinnyfans.com unless you want to be knocking slimy nightmare balls out of your eyes next to me in the bathroom.
Ignore the sounds of Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" playing in your head, because even though LeAnn Rimes looks like a neglected horse fly who suffers from the dizzies due to malnourishment, she doesn't need your $18 a month donation. LeAnn Rimes needs a lot of things (examples: shame, dignity, the name of a good titty ball surgeon), but what she doesn't need is a donation. LeAnn's feedbag must be filled with nothing but gold coins, because she's permanently on vacation. In just the past few weeks, bitch was in Aspen and Mexico. And now she's strutting her yard apart chichis in Hawaii.
LeAnn and a friend were horsing around (If you GONG me for that one, make sure it leaves a mark.) on the beach yesterday in front of a bunch of paps who I'm sure she called herself. LeAnn can't go a week without posing for pictures that look like they came straight out of Horse Fancy's swimsuit edition.
And I need to take a quick moment to shed light on the abuse that plastic ball is enduring at the hooves of LeAnn Rimes. Can you imagine the painful emotions it's going through as it flies toward a ho with a cemetery of plastic balls on her chest? That poor plastic ball thinks she's going to catch it and stuff it into her chest where it will be trapped forever. What an evil bitch. Think of the plastic balls, LeAnn!
"Okay, we're going inside this movie theater and your simple ass better not get me any buttered popcorn, because I'm not eating buttered popcorn until the starving children are eating buttered popcorn! Just get me a cup of the frozen tear cubes of a lonely spinster. I'll take whatever brand they have." is probably what St. Angie is saying to Brad Pitt above, because according to UsWeekly, she's on a hunger strike. Grazia Magazine said a couple of weeks ago that Angie barely shoved 600 calories down her throat and it's because she's always so busy. But a source tells UsWeekly that's not the reason why she's got the body of a Castlevania skeleton warrior.
Just like your 12-year-old Emo daughter who considers Christina Ricci's character in the Ice Storm as her spirit animal, Angie is trying to make a political statement by giving herself the perma hungries. The source says that she "puts herself on fasts to make statements for the children she visits. She says, 'If they can't eat, I can't eat. [She] does different cleanses from around the world. It's very dramatic, but that's how she gets." A different source says that Brad is worried and has taken her to doctors, but they all tell him that there's nothing wrong with her.
This doesn't really make any sense. Wouldn't Angie want to be as healthy (I know, I know..) as possible so she has the strength to help the children and shit? And if she is starving herself for the children, wouldn't she do it the old fashioned way by not fucking eating food? Cleanses don't count. That's cheating. Yeah, I'm sure the starving children of the world are only starving because their village's juice bar only serves Master Cleanse water.