Eva LongWHORIA

Who cares if the name "Elena Lenina" makes your mind go blank the same way White Oprah's does when she tries to think of the name of the youngest Lohan kid. The only thing you need to know about Russian TV personality type Elena Lenina is that she brought the glamour to the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Jimmy P., Psychotherapy of a Plains Indian when she sashayed onto the red carpet with a giant butt plug of hair on top her head. Elena looks like a Martian Girl from Xenu's home planet. If this is Elena's way of trying to become the next Mrs. Tommy Girl, it's totally going to work. The quickest way to Tommy's heart is through his butt.

I am jealous of the lucky ho who got to sit behind Elena Lenina during the movie. Staring at a blond butt plug is totally better than watching some movie. Backdoor Farrah just put out the welcome mat in front of her backdoor for Elena. Just bring your butt plug hair, Elena. Farrah's already got the lube.

And here's some others at tonight's premiere who obviously didn't get the memo that the theme of the night was "sex toy hair." In order after Elena: Jennifer Lawrence, Liam Hemsworth, Cheryl Cole, Jane Fonda, Eva Longoria, Bai Ling and the all-natural Queen of Cannes Chicken Cutlets.

Don't you just hate it when you mistake a salt shaker for a coke shaker (see: picture of LiLo above)?

As expected, Fox News kept up their reputation as the hardest working fuckery makers in the game by bringing a triple dose of fame whore to last night's White House Correspondents' Dinner at the Hilton in DC. Lindsay Lohan came as a guest of Fox's Greta van Susteren, and Kim Kuntrashian and Pimp Mama Kris came as guests of Fox's affiliate in the 9th circle of Hell. LiLo actually bathed with soap for the occasion and covered her freckled carcass with the discount Windsor Fashions dress you wore to your prom in 1989. Even though that cheap ass dress looks like it was made with doggy poop bags, it was perfect for the occasion. It showcased her saggy wrinkly side tit and its skirt completely covered up the bags that were strapped to her thighs to hold all the silverware, jooree and centerpieces she stole from the event. "What did I do with my diamond bracelet?" is definitely the most used sentence in DC this morning.

As for Kim and PMK, they dressed up as Whore Kristmas. Kim wore a velvet dress that's the exact shade of the fumes that billow out of her cooze hole after she bumps wet parts with Kanye.  Pimp Mama Kris wore her creator's favorite color and it looked like a dynamite stick stuffed with foundation blew up in her face right before she walked through a wind tunnel. Not only is bitch's face pulled, but so is her hair. Pimp Mama Kris' hair was standing straight up like it was reaching for God to help it.

I couldn't find any pictures of Kim and LiLo together, but I'm assuming there will be some later after pictures from the Secret Service's after-party held at the Super 8 in Virginia come out. In the meantime, here's some pictures from last night. In order: LiLo, Rick Santorum (getting a quick buzz from breathing in the coke dust cloud that surrounds LiLo), Kim with PMK, Mary J. Blige with her husband Kendu Isaacs, DanRad with Ronan Farrow, Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Claire Danes, Sookeh with Beehl, Goldie Hawn, Rosario Dawson with a pair of plastic baby heads, Dakota Fanning, Ginnifer Goodwin (after a bedskirt bukkake session), Eva Longoria, Zooey Deschanel, Swizz Beak with Alicia Keys, Martha Stewart, Viola Davis with her husband Julius Tennon and Oprah's handmaiden.

Remember when Nicollette Sheridan dropped a lawsuit in the lap of Marc Cherry, the creator of Desperate Housewives, claiming that he wrongfully terminated her ass? Nicollette then tried to paint Marc as a goat-footed, wheezy old queen (copyright: Alec Baldwin) by claiming that he once took her to the side to slap some respect into her mouth after she back talked him during a scene. Well, that lawsuit is far from over and Nicollette is still trying to make everyone believe that Marc is the cherry on top of a cunt sundae.

TMZ got a hold of new court documents where Nicollette says that at Eva Longoria and Tony Parker's wedding, Marc pursed his lips, hiked up his double-stuffed chest balls, and yanked the veil off of Eva's head with a cuntified comment.

In the declaration, Nicollette claims, "I was present at Eva Longoria's wedding to Tony Parker, when Mr. Cherry commented that 'Tony must like boys, because he is marrying this -- this little, small girl with no tits and -- that looks like a boy.'"

Really, Nicollette?! This is the desperate shit you're coming to the table with? This only makes me want to sit next to Marc Cherry's bitter bitch queen ass at a wedding. Every day is bitch day to Marc, even on the bride's day. Just think of all the comments he'd make about the maid of honor's dress while we both wrap pieces of cake in aluminum foil to take home and eat on our kitchen floor as we cry about being FOREVER ALONE!

This is some Equus shit right here. In Miami today, Eva Longoria got 50% naked and sprawled herself bareback-style on top of a bare horse while her boyfriend Eduardo Cruz and some polo players watched. This was for some magazine photo shoot, of course. Did Eva stop to think that maybe she should call horse translator Trace Cyrus and ask him to ask the poor creature if it wants her tits that close to its body? It would definitely answer: FUCK NEIGH! I mean, this just isn't right. If a horse sprawled itself on Eva's nekkid body without asking, it would be arrested, thrown in a prison barn, put on a sexual predators list..etc...etc.. But yet, when Eva does it, she gets away with it? Something in the world ain't right!

Besides, how many times have we seen some trick get naked on a horse? It's been done by Cindy Crawford, Madge, Angie Jolie, DanRad , Gis and many more. Do these bitches think that horse is short for WHORSE?! Those horsies don't want a hos bits all over their asses.

Eva really should've tried to be a little more original. Leave the poor horse alone and go for an animal who never gets any naked human body action. You know, an animal like the sloth:

And the sloth is smiling with its eyes! So much better, right? Put it on the cover and ship it out!

It's not common knowledge, but when Julia Child was out promoting Mastering the Art of French Cooking she tried to drum up sales by stuffing her body into a nipple baring tuxedo typically worn by a slutty baby to the funeral of a burlesque emcee. You know, it worked! Eva Longoria figured that if it worked for one of the most famous chefs in the world, it can work for her too! So she fixed herself up like a Blonde Ambition back-up singer and sat down with Letterman to talk about her new cookbook "Eva's Kitchen." And while doing so, we pretty much saw what's cooking in Eva's coochen and more. Eva practically served up labia empanadas and Spanish olive nipples. Just spilling her ingredients out all over the place!

My favorite FAVORITE favorite part is at the 3:20 mark when Letterman is talking about whatever and Eva glances at the monitor, tugs at her jacket and coos out: "OH MY GEE! My breasts must be happy to see you! OH ME OH MY! I wanna be loved by you! OOOH! Boob boob de doop!"

GIRL! The last time I checked Jayne Mansfield did not appoint you as her successor, so just stop! Don't act like you weren't rehearsing that all afternoon up in your hotel. 1...2...3...FLASH! 1...2..3....GIGGLE!

via HuffPo

I've made farts that have lasted longer than Eva Longoria's relationship with Penelope Cruz's brother Eduardo (yes, I'm getting that checked out), but that didn't keep him from inking her name into his flesh recently. I mean, Eva has been humping on that tall piece of carne asada for only 60 days! The paps got a picture of Eduardo's tribute to Eva while they two were in Miami together over the weekend.

That is some B.O. (before orgasm) shit. You know Eva was laying her shit down when she told Eduard to scream her name, and then she told him to INK her fucking name. The things you'll say to cum. I swear.

I hope Eva is getting her fill of good dick, because getting a tattoo of someone's name that early on is like the first dig into a relationships grave. Shit is not going to end well. Actually, it will probably end well, because Eduardo can turn that tattoo into so many things. Like a slightly disfigured Pac-Man who suffers from a chronic flatulence problem:

So much better than the first name of a Desperate Housewives cast member.

Here's pictures from the past couple of days of Eva Longoria and Eduardo Cruz standing near each other on a friend's yacht in Miami. This (and the picture of Eduardo's tongue bungee jumping into Eva's mouth) pretty much confirms that Eduardo is Eva's full-time rebound fuck partner. Not because their mouths have become one, but because ho is SANS FARDS.

I know Eve has been photographed without her make-up mask on before, but for some reason she's always reminded me of one of my sluttier friends (that is really saying a lot) who has always REFUSED to be seen in her natural state. This bitch goes to bed with a full face of make-up and prays to the saints that MAC comes out with a shower head attachment that squirts out bronzer. After most normal hos drunk barf in a parking lot outside of a club, they scream for a mint or another cocktail (or a mint julep to kill two birds, etc....), but my friend screams for her lipstick and a compact! A shame. Anyway, this ho told me that she knew shit with her boyfriend was the real thing when she let him give her a facial of love and she didn't even freak out about how she didn't bring her drag face case with her. I mean, he definitely saw her SANS FARDS after she washed her face in his bathroom and she didn't care. That's the real true test of love. So yeah, Eva and Eduardo are totally going to last.

And Eduardo sort of looks like what you'd see if you stared at Wilmer Valderrama with beer goggles on, so YAY for Eva.

Tony Parker is showing Eva Longoria that she's not the only ho who can file papers to legally quit a bitch. When Eva made a move to remove Tony's shifty peen from her life forever by filing for divorce in Los Angeles, there were rumors that she talked him out of filing in Texas. Tony said "no no no no no" to that shit, but look who just dropped his own highly important documents into the divorce box in Texas. Ken Paves better hold a splatter guard in front of his precious face, because shit is getting messy messy messy.

TMZ says that Tony probably filed in Bexar County, Texas, because it takes less time to finalize divorces over there. A CA divorce can drag on for centuries, but in Texas they squeeze their cheeks and cut that shit in about 60 days. In Eva's papers, she mentions that there's a prenup in place and that she wants spousal support from Tony, but his documents only state: "Petitioner believes Petitioner and Respondent will enter into an agreement for the division of their estate."

As for the reason why their marriage is throwing itself in front of a fast-moving train, Tony says in the documents: "The marriage has become insupportable because of discord or conflict of personalities between Petitioner and Respondent that destroys the legitimate ends of the marriage relationships and prevents any reasonable expectation of reconciliation."

Translation: They are both sick of Eva having to perform the "Smell Yo Dick" check every time Tony comes home.

You know, Tony has a face like a cartoon villain so I'm not surprised that he's pulling some sneaky moves. Seriously, Tony probably perked up his "I'll git you my pretty" eyebrow and stroked his imaginary curly moustache when he filed those papers in Texas. And it's just beginning! I swear, this is going to end with Eva and Tony hanging onto the giant chandelier in the foyer of their mansion. I can't wait!

Tony Parker, the newest inductee into Tiger Woods' Wandering Wang League, has issued a statement to People saying that contrary to what has passed over your eye balls Eva Longoria is not a scheming schemer who tricked him into not filing for divorce so she could do the honors.

"Eva and I have been discussing our situation privately. I was aware that she would be filing for divorce in Los Angeles. I did not file for divorce in Texas and did not hire divorce attorneys in either Texas or California. We plan to continue to keep our discussions of this matter private."

Since Tony puts it that way, how do I take back the slow clap I gave to Eva for pulling a brilliant stunt queen move? Ugh. Don't mind my ass, I'll be reverse clapping all night.

Eva Longoria only denied that Tony Parker filed for divorce in Texas on Tuesday because she wanted to be the one who publicly cut the cord on their marriage. A source tells Gossip Cop that Eva wanted to see the headline "Eva Longoria files for divorce from Tony Parker" in lights and not the other way around. So Eva played the part of an estranged wife who wants to work things out amicably to Tony's face but then turned around and stabbed him in the ass with divorce papers. Well. Played.

A different source tells TMZ that they've been planning to file for divorce ever since Eva found all those hornified text messages between Tony and his teammate's soon-to-be ex-wife Erin Barry. Apparently, Tony wanted to make the divorce go smoother by filing in Texas, but she talked him out of it. The source says that Eva wanted to file for divorce on the same day the "Tony is Blackberry boning some other trick" story from UsWeekly came out, because she's into "the whole PR thing." Eva's spokeswhore denies she tried to pull some shit over on Tony.

And about those text messages, another source (ALL THESE SOURCES) whispered in People's ear that Tony Porkme and Erin Barry never took their phone fucking relationship to the next level. Basically, he never put his baguette into her fondue pot. The source went on to explain, "They knew each other, sent each other messages. It was flirtatious, but he never did anything with her."

Eva is a former soap star who has worked with professional stunt queen Marc Cherry for years, so I really should have expected her to bring the dramatic theatrics. And here I was thinking that the day I gave Eva Longoria a slow clap would never come. Glad to see that she's finally scratching at her ESCANDALO gene. Keep scratching, Eva!