It is truly a sad, sad day for demure beauties who like to wear coochie cutters with UGGs and a bridal thong bikini to their wedding, because one of the vanguards of the modern-day whore look, Pamela Anderson, told Buzzfeed at the International Beauty Show in NYC on Monday that since she's getting older, she's decided to tone down her signature look a little bit. To which I say, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Canadian pearl says that for years, hos have been trying to get her to take off the fake eyelashes and put on more clothes. Pamela always told them to fuck off, because she knows what glamour is and glamour IS looking like a seasoned boardwalk hooker who doesn't mind a little sand in her oyster. But now that Pamela is creeping toward 50, she says that she's gettin' a little too old for that whorey look, darlin'.
Buzzfeed: When in your life did you first feel beautiful?
Pamela: Well, it wasn't today (laughs). I'm kidding. Oh, god, I don't know if I ever really felt beautiful. I always feel like I don't — I don't, really.
Buzzfeed: You're something of a beauty maximalist. So do people ever try to make you under?
Pamela: Actually a lot of people, especially when I was on Baywatch. They were insisting that I didn't wear eyelashes, but I said, "I have my look, this is what I'm comfortable in." Sometimes my eyelashes would roll up onto the beach and that's all that would be left of me. But I was determined to be glamorous. Oh, I loved it, I LOVED it. I thought, "If you're going to be on TV, and if you're gonna be out and glamorous, the natural look can stay at home. If we're gonna do this, let's have fun with it!" I actually just did a shoot lately, and they took all the makeup off and put me in a ponytail, and I said, "Well, OK, we'll try that."
Buzzfeed: How did you feel about it?
Pamela: Well, everyone was happy about it and liked it, and so, well, we'll see what it looks like. It was Mario Testino, so I can't argue with him! And he loved it, so, we'll see.
Buzzfeed: So people try to tone down your sex appeal because you're known for being so hot?
Pamela: I don't know if it's because I'm so hot, but they definitely try to tone down my sex appeal. I think it's time, though — you know, you grow up and you change your look. I feel different from how I did in my Playboy days. Now, I think I'm in charge of toning down my look or not. I feel like as I'm getting older, this is my version of toned down (gestures to hair and outfit). I like it.
To which I say again, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Okay, if Pamela Anderson wants to turn her back on a community of old whores who have looked up to her all these years by covering her body and doing her hair up like a Shih Tzu caught in a tornado, then that's fine. But if she turns her back on all the white girl cholas by erasing her praying mantis leg eyebrows, I will never ever forgive her!
I will never forgive myself for letting the stupid Oscars suck up most of my day when I should've been focused on more important things in the world like these stunning portraits of the naturally gorgeous Pamela Anderson. These pictures of Pamela at a Terry Richardson party in L.A. are from the far away past that was Friday night, but it's never too late to share brows, lashes, lip liner and lusciousness like this with you.
Pamela looks like she just got her make-up done by a former chola turned beauty school student at a cosmetics stand in Santee Alley. Every man, woman and child needs to take notes, because if you're going to find beauty in a tube of lip liner, this is how it's done. If you don't end up looking like a half-melted and cholafied Old Navy mannequin, you're doing it wrong. Pamela should have one of those QR codes on her, so hos can scan her and find out exactly which products from the Wet 'N Wild section at Rite Aid she uses. The chola porn star look is so NOW.
Terry's party must have been BYOB (bring your own beauty), because not only was Pamela there but some dude carried in glamour tornado Spaz de la Huerta. Don't these pictures of that dude carrying Spaz's messy ass across the red carpet remind you of the scene in Cleopatra where man slaves carry Elizabeth Taylor on a throne? Such regalness.
The glorious Canadian silicone leaf that is Pamela Anderson is no stranger to staring crazy dead in its crazy face and has felt the fear of one of her crazed fans trying to get close to her skinny Loch Ness Monster brows and her perfectly applied lip liner. Pam felt the fear earlier this year (THAT RHYMES!) when an insane stalker tried to get on her train (not that kind of train) but was quickly tackled by her security and thrown into one of PETA's cages. That crazed loon hasn't been heard from since and we should all just assume he was turned into a box of PETA Nuggets.
But crazy came back into Pamela's life recently when a fan of the loontardian variety lived out the classic children's story Crazylocks and the Old Whore by breaking into her house to sit in her chair, eat her porridge, sleep in her bed and even try on one of her Baywatch bathing suits. You know you're a nut bag bitch when you willingly press your bare vagina against a crotch patch in one of Pam's bathing suits without holding a syringe full of extra-strength antibiotics in one hand.
Pam tells Britain's OK! Magazine (via Starpulse) about her in-house stalker and lets hos know that you should periodically throw a smoke bomb into the vacant rooms of your house just in case a crazy is living in the closet:
"One (fan) snuck into my house, sliced their wrists and...ate all my bread. It's terrible but I'm serious! When the police took her, she was even wearing one of my Baywatch bathing suits. It was very scary, actually.
I was in my house with my children, alone, and this woman had gotten in and was there for a few days!... I kept noticing my bread going missing and that my jean jacket disappeared. But I was like: 'I'm going crazy because I have two babies, I'm forgetting everything.'
But this woman had been staying in the guest room for days. When the police came, she slit her wrists!... She didn't die. She just got deported."
Wait. An obsessive Pamela Anderson fan who is crazy enough to instill fear into the woman who conquered and tamed Tommy Lee's anaconda dick? That could only be one teenage porn iguana:
Deported my ass. Ruuuuuuun (and not that slow motion Baywatch run either), Pamela, ruuuuuuuuun!
It's Carnival time in Rio and everyone from Jude Law to Gisele Bundchen to Pamela Anderson to Tom Brady are partying until their puzzle piece hairlines fall off (in Jude's case) or until their faces fall off (in Gisele's case) or until their labias fall off (in Pammy's case) or until their ponytails fall off (in Tom's case).
Jude Law started things off by getting himself a mouth full of Brazilian TV hostess Hebe Carmengo in the VIP Box. I'm sorry to say, but Jude and Sienna never made this kind of heat when their lips touched. It's getting so hot that the hairs left on Jude's head are about to scurry down south to his chest where it's cooler. Hotter than if Charlie Sheen's flame throw-hands fisted Heat Miser in the middle of a volcano.
And then the face of Canadian beauty Pamela Anderson cooled things off when she glided into the room like a fresh Spring breeze jumping off the petals of a daisy. Pamela was there with a new piece and nearly threw beads made of UGH at the audience when her DIY dress nearly exposed her danger zone.
As for Gis and Tom, the things dudes will grow to get some chocha. That ponytail makes Tom look like Samantha Ronson's less attractive sister who is addicted to Pabst and male hormones.
The good news is that Pamela Anderson still has one fan. The bad news is that her one fan is crazier than a tongue on Mel Gibson's dick. The Sun reports that Pamela Anderson was almost as terrified as the time she walked in on a nekkid Kid Rock in broad daylight when a 21-year-old lunatic tried to board her train from Liverpool to London last night. The cops believe that it's the same insane dude who bought front row tickets to every single one of performances in the panto Aladdin.
Okay, this unfortunate incident could've been stopped before it happened. When you buy your second front row ticket to see Pamela Anderson play a whorey genie in Aladdin, the box office bitch should hand you a tiny plastic cup filled with the strongest sedative available on the market and two men in white coats should immediately drag you into the back of a padded van. Get that shit on the law books, UK!
A source tells The Sun that Pammy's security guards stopped the dude from getting on the train and immediately hollered for the cops. When the cops showed up, the Pamalunatic put up a fight which resulted in him getting a face full of pepper spray. It's too early in the year for making a dumb pepper spray joke about Pamela's cooch juices, so I'll save that one for the bitchier months of 2011.
Pamela's fan was arrested and she safely made her way back to London. And thankfully, Pamela's always exquisite eyebrow situation remained pristine.
It's a cheeseburger's horrific nightmare come to life! And a bottle of Jack Daniels' beautiful dream come to life! The Hoff was roasted (smelled like overmicrowaved Kraft singles, the urinal in a truck stop in Germany, burnt hair plugs and a bar back's bus tub) on Comedy Central last night, and they started things off outside by scaring the booze buzz out of everyone with this giant tribute to him made from one of Khloe Kardashian's suppositories.
Thankfully, that dark-sideness disappeared by the end of the night so it's no longer around to haunt us. It's not known what happened to it, but Pamela Anderson was seen giving it the eye. I mean, it does have the face of a dildo, so you can't blame her.
Here's pictures of everyone who came out to light a flame under The Hoff's asshole last night. In order: The Hoff, the always naturally fresh Pamela Anderson, Traci Bingham, Nicole Eggert, Hayley Hasselhoff, four anuses in a row, Jeremy Jackson and George Hamilton.
Oh, you can always count on Pamela Anderson to sprinkle a little of her natural grace and beauty on your day. Pamela was gracious enough to attend some store opening in West Hollywood last night even though it looks like she just had an orgy in a giant cement mixer set to high. If you asked her how many fingers you were holding up, she probably would've shrugged and then fucked 'em. This is some "broke off, dozed off" shit dipped in bronzer bought at The Dollar Tree and dried under a heat lamp. Let's hope we're all stumbling around like this mess later tonight.
Thanks to professional shame walker, Kiely Williams, for that headline. Here's the always pristine Pamela Anderson leaving a club in Hollywood early this morning to rush home to make her kids sandwiches for school. Pamela looked like she was drunker than a damn tequila worm.
You can tell that bitch is trying hard to keep the drunk barfs from slithering up her froat. She is not going to let the drunk barfs exit through her mouth hole, so they had to regroup and find another way out, which explains why she's looking a little vommy in the nip area. Pamela, just throw a maxi-pad over your nips before you hit the clubs so this never happens again. I got you.
Everything about these pictures scream: LAST CALL! But really, it's nothing new. During every fashion week from here to Bakersfield, the free clinic messiah rises from a puddle of 100 proof vomit and closes Richie Rich's fashion show. Because nothing makes people run for the exit like Pamela Anderson's vag. Seriously, Pamela should rent our her services. When you've got a party guest (aka one of your cousins) who just can't take a hint, bring Pamela's vag out and he'll scatter faster than a hooker running from the po po's siren.
Here's more of Pammy looking like the janitor just woke her up with his broom. Terrell Owens also walked during the show last night, and we're going to need a few mammalogists to tell us what kind of creature is on his head.
It seems like it was just yesterday (it was practically yesterday) that Pamela Anderson was signing bottles of her perfume Malibu at Rite-Aid in Pennsylvania. So far that is the most glamorous event of 2010! But apparently, Rite-Aid isn't good enough for Pamela anymore, because she's now signing at SEARS! Well, smell HER! Actually.....don't, because I'm pretty sure the surgeon general issued a warning against that.
So if you happen to be getting an oil and filter change at any of these Sears, simply head on over to the perfume department, put on your Hazmat suit and present your receipt and perfume bottle to Pam. After she inspects it closely and punches a hole in it, she'll gladly sign it for you with a smile!
(Thanks to Tracy who wants everyone to know that she gets e-mails from Sears and will be first in line on Saturday)