Scarlett Johansson

Well, it was bound to happen, but today is the day when we're all staring in unison at the Dick Solomon in Joseph Gordon-Levitt's silky shorts. Congratulations to us all! Who knew that JGL looks hot even when he's making a constipation face. You're monitor is probably covered with a thin layer of self-tanner grease and AXE hair gel, and that's because in his new movie Don Jon, JGL plays a Jersey dude who is obsessed with chasing tricks, pumping iron and fapping to porn. It's almost like The Situation's life story. If there's a scene in JGL's movie where his character has butt sex with a Jacuzzi jet, The Situation is totally going to sue him for not paying for the rights to his life story.

Don Jon, which was directed by JGL and also stars ScarJo, Tony Danza and Julianne Moore, is currently screening at SXSW. JGL says his movie is "a comedy about how men and women treat each other, and how the media we consume can create unrealistic expectations that we put on one another. That's why the story centers around a relationship between a young man (played by me) who watches too much pornography and a young woman (played by Scarlett) who watches too many romantic Hollywood movies. It's a topic I personally find fascinating and hilarious."

Blah blah blah blah.... Doesn't JGL know that you don't sell a movie by yammering on and on about the plot? You sell a movie by telling us how many nude scenes, shirtless scenes and peen print scenes are in your movie. Nobody cares about the plot!

To answer my question in the headline, yes, I'd hit it and I'd hit Tony Danza too, but only if they kept their guido looks. And since JGL is a director now, maybe he can make my wet dreams come true by directing (and starring in) a gay porn parody of 3rd Rock from the Sun called 3rd Cock from my Buns.

Tony Award-winning actress Scarlett Johansson (Note: If my fingertips had eyes, they would've side-eyed me into the next room for typing that.) is back on Broadway playing the role that got Elizabeth Taylor an Oscar nomination when she did it a million years ago. ScarJo has the natural charisma of a sloth on a cold wood roof, but since actresses who haven't been on the cover of Life & Style don't sell theater tickets, the producers of the newest Broadway revival of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (or "Cat on a Hot Tin Ruff" if you're from New England) cast ScarJo as Maggie the Gato. First LiLo in Liz & Dick and now this? Hasn't Elizabeth Taylor been through enough?

Previews started this week and ScarJo acts opposite Ciarán Hinds, Debra Monk and Benjamin Walker. ScarJo is apparently getting $40,000 a week plus 7.5% of ticket sales if the show is a hit, and that's really not a lot of money considering that the average ticket price for a Broadway show is two kidneys and the deed to your house.

Of course, I really want to travel to NYC to pay hundreds of dollars to see a rattan lamp outshine ScarJo (figuratively and literally), but I'm not going to. Nothing can top the production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof I saw at a community theater in Orange County California a thousand years ago. Maggie wore a slip that I swear was from Wet Seal and at one point the actor playing Brick forgot he was supposed to have a broken leg and started walking normal before he realized it and said, "Ohshit!" And during one of Maggie's 300-minute long monologues, the old bitch in front of me, shouted, "Is she ever going to shut up?" 

Unless that grouchy old bitch is seated in the front row during every one of ScarJo's show, I don't need to see it.

But seriously, apparently people who saw the first preview are saying she's good. We might soon live in a world where ScarJo is a two-time Tony Award winner.

To celebrate the fact that she's getting paid $19,999,999.50 too much to mumble out lines in the next Avengers movie, ScarJo rolled around on a yacht in Taormina, Italy today with a friend and her piping hot, panty pudding-churning bodyguard. I read a rumor last week, or so, that ScarJo auditioned to be Bradley Cooper's latest beard and that she's no longer getting on that Nate Naylor dude, but I don't know the exact goings-on of her punane. Whatever her situation currently is, she should still pull some The Bodyguard shit and get on the piece that's protecting her multi-million dollar chichis. That dude is like the epitome of the late 80s and ScarJo needs to take her coochie time traveling.

Dude is like late 80s Charlie Sheen meets Jose Canseco's hair part meets Baywatch Nights-era The Hoff meets the sunglasses section of a Florida gas station circa 1989. I bet he always smells like Hawaiian Tropic dark tanning oil, drives an '87 yellow Camaro, has a bathroom cabinet stocked with Nair, calls everyone "boss" and sleeps on a waterbed covered with a black panther comforter. Don't even get me started about how hot he looks when he makes a call on his brick cell phone. Swoon. And swoon.

I knew there was a good reason for not trusting that shifty My Week With Marilyn movie and this is the reason why. Variety says that director Sacha Gervasi has cast ScarJo to play Jamie Lee Curtis' mom in a movie about the making of the movie Psycho. Alfred Hitchcock and the Making of Psycho was probably inspired by My Week With Marilyn (it was) and it will also star Anthony Hopkins as Hitchcock, Helen Mirren as Hitchock's wife and James D'Arcy as Anthony Perkins. Oh, and again, ScarJo is playing Janet Leigh. I had to remind you of this in case you forgot, because you stabbed yourself in the eye with a kitchen knife after reading it the first time. Don't worry about that eye. You're going to look so much hotter with an eye patch.

This mess of a movie is going to be about all the problems Hitchcock had making Psycho. I'm sure the silver lining in this for some of you is watching ScarJo slowly bleed out chocolate syrup to death in a cold shower, but I say Hollywood needs to leave Psycho alone. It's been through enough. It's still raw from getting butchered in that shitrocious remake starring God's daughter Anne Heche. Let a bitch breathe for you punch it again.

I guess movies about the making of movies is now a thing and it'll be a thing again in 50 years when a waterlogged piece of cardboard with two dough balls pasted to it plays ScarJo in a movie about the making of the making of Psycho.

Cover your genitals with an industrial-strength chastity belt before you click on the thumbnail of the adonis who has been dubbed the "most beautiful man ever seen" by human eyes, because if you don't your fuck parts will try to wrap themselves around your monitor and you'll have to cancel all your plans for the rest of the day.

Meteorologists reported that the weather in Hawaii this weekend would be dark, cloudy, rainy and that the sky would be covered with a thick layer of depressed sadness (no, they didn't, I'm lying), but as soon as our modern day David, Nate Naylor, showed up, everything changed. The sun came out to touch his beauty with its rays, the buds bloomed in record time like they were on speed and the hummingbirds exploded into sprays of nectar. Nate has that effect on nature. So all you hos in Hawaii can thank Nate for the sunshine this weekend. Oh, and ScarJo is also there, but who cares about her Sean Penn-licking ass.

And on a serious note, do you think Nate Naylor's parents are a little disappointed that he grew up to be an ad executive type who is motorboating a movie star? I mean, they named him Nate Naylor, which means they had high hopes of him becoming a porn star or a superhero's sidekick.

And thy name is Nate Naylor.

I really hope that you have an eyeball on your chin so that you can read all about our modern day Adonis as you lick his picture. This perfect human man (not my words) is currently blessing Scarlett Johansson's double Mount Olympus chichis with his natural beauty and so People put up their magnifying glass to him to find out who he really is. It reads like a press release about him, written by him and he should really start a second career in writing Match.com profiles. Nate Naylor (pronounced: Nate Nail Her) is in the business of overselling shit (surprise, surprise) and works as an advertising executive in NYC.

Nate has a NSFWish Tumblr, dated Kristen Johnston for a quick minute, is an Arizona native and is so beautiful in person that looking at him is like looking at a unicorn made of marijuana dancing on top of a double rainbow over an In-N-Out. Basically, Nate always keeps fresh silk hankies in his pocket, because you will weep like it's the first time you've wept when you see his face up close.

This is the second fact from People's "What You Need To Know About Nate Naylor" list and it's the only thing you need to know about Nate Naylor:

2. He gets high praise from friends – for his work and looks

Naylor "is the most beautiful man I've ever seen in person," says fellow freelance creative director Lawson Clarke, who is known in the ad world as Male Copywriter. "He basically looks like Morrissey in his prime." But Naylor's not just another pretty face. "Bottom line is Nate's a great guy and really respected in the industry," adds Clarke, who has worked with Naylor multiple times. "Scarlett should be so lucky."

"Nate Naylor is the most beautiful man I've ever seen in person." - Lawson Clarke

"He basically looks like Morrissey in his prime." - Lawson Clarke

Nate Naylor should get both of those quotes tattooed on his ass and forehead, because those words will close all deals. I swear, Lawson Clarke is the greatest dick puller ever. Now I'm not saying that Nate Naylor ain't hot (because I'd hit it, duh), but I am saying that Lawson Clarke has only seen three men in person and the other two were Brian Peppers and Mimi in drag. So he's not lying.

Did you know that ScarJo's actual government name is not ScarJo, but it's actually something like Scarlett Johansson? Weird, right? You think you know someone. Well, ScarJo tells USA Today that she wants the nickname to die a painful death and thinks it was born from the lazy orifice of laziness. This coming from a trick who has permanent lazy face and is acting in her sleep most of the time. Okay, then....

"Oh, it's awful. It's a laziness. People can't actually say the whole name? It's just bizarre. How come Daniel Day-Lewis isn't subjected to like, 'DaDay'? So Cate Blanchett is not, like, 'CaBla'? Why is that? Why do I have to get stuck with a mangled moniker?"

The fuckery of comparing herself to DaDay and CaBla aside, ScarJo should be grateful that bitches are typing or saying her name in any form. But if ScarJo doesn't want to be called ScarJo, maybe we shouldn't call that bitch ScarJo. (In my best Teresa Giudice gorilla howl) Is ScarHO better? Is that better?

Thanks to trendsetter Lindsay Lohan, teeth covered in gum diarrhea are the must-have beauty staple amongst Hollywood's most stunning beauties. At last night's NYC premiere of We Bought A Zoo (which is also the exact line an E! executive said to their staff after they picked up Keeping Up with the Kuntrashians), ScarJo accessorized her dick cheese grill with fruit bowl hair, your nana's favorite rhinestone holiday earrings and a dress that I swear I saw hanging out of a cardboard box in front of the Salvation Army near my apartment.

I have to thank ScarJo for breaking out of the bright white chiclets mold that society expects all of us to fit into. ScarJo is chewing through a ball of dick cheese to get to natural beauty and we should thank her for this. I mean, real people have nicotine smegma on their teefs. They don't have blinding ass white cartoon teeth. Since carrot teeth are officially in, I can stop with the whitening toothpaste, the whitening mouthwash and those dark-sided Crest White Strips. Crest White Strips are a tool from Hell and I swear they're made from the jizz of Satan. Whenever I pull those evil things off my teeth, it feels like I just nibbled on an aluminum foil asshole before getting squirted in the mouth with Clorox. But those days are behind us now that dirty butt teeth are so now!

Here's more pictures from last night's premiere including some of Matt Damon with his wife, Elle Fanning, some other childrens, Sylvia Miles and Parker Posey. On a different note, who the hell is going to see this shit?! Why would I watch ScarJo and Matt Damon fall in love in front of a bunch of animals who cannot maul those boring bitches since they're trapped in cages? That's torture.

The bland bitch battlefield is lukewarming up! ScarJo told Cosmo in their latest issue that marrying Ryan Reynolds was the best thing she's ever done in her entire life, but they barely spent time together and moving on was the right thing to do. Blah, blah, blah, burp, blah, blah, blah. But some source tells UsWeekly that ScarJo hasn't moved on and is a member of the "I Don't Want To Fuck Him, But I Don't Want Any Other Trick To Fuck Him Either" club. Apparently, ScarJo is not happy that Blake Lively is screwing on her leftovers and now she's having doubts about leaving him. The source put it like this:

"Scarlett is pissed that he's not under her spell anymore. She realized what a great catch Ryan was."

The source went on to say that Ryan would've reunited with ScarJo, but she ruined things forever when she tainted her parts with Sean Penn's prune dick.

So what to believe? The words that came out of ScarJo's mouth to a magazine or the words from a question mark to a weekly tabloid? Or do you not want to waste any of your "give a fuck" rations on this. Yeah, the third option is the winner. Don't get me wrong, I roll out of bed in the morning for a good catfight, but this is not one of those. Sucking off a snowman would be more exciting than witnessing these two fight. Watching ScarBore and Blake NotSoLively fight over Ryan Reynolds would be like watching a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower. And yes, I've seen a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower thanks to a few bong hits. (SPOILER ALERT: the rutabaga always wins)

Thanks to a hacker, who could get more time in the chokey than most rapists, ScarJo's titty knobs are just a Google search away from landing on your eyeballs and she pretty much shrugs off their existence to Vanity Fair while sticking a gold star on her cell phone pose skills. Yes, you know ScarJo had Ty Ty Baby in her head as she tried to smile with her nipple holes (smipping?) and work those angles. You also know that Ty Ty is probably going to do a ridiculous naked celebrity cell phone photo shoot based on ScarJo's comments.

“I know my best angles,” she says with her trademark insouciance. “They were sent to my husband,” now ex Ryan Reynolds. “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not like I was shooting a porno.” She adds saucily, “Although there’s nothing wrong with that either.”

While I give ScarJo a few spare points for sort of taking the Cassie route by saying in so many words "It's just a titty!," I need her to stop with that "best angle" shit. Bitch, your best angle should be the one that clearly gives us a shot of Ryan Reynolds' fully erect dick game. Seriously. If ScarJo gave Ryan the gift of her texted titty, then I'm sure he returned the favor by slapping a dick pic on her cell phone screen. "Where are those pictures?," said a million slobbering genitals.

Either the hacker is not an equal opportunity pic stealer and is prejudiced against celebrity man dick, or ScarJo deleted Ryan's pics but kept hers on her phone. The next time a celebrity (not Sean Penn) sends a peen portrait to ScarJo and her finger hovers over the delete button, I really hope she thinks about the possibility of a hacker hacking into her phone and leaking said peen portrait onto the Internet for all of us to see. If she deletes that pic, she's keeping the public-at-large from getting some celebrity dick in their lonely lives. Think about this, ScarJo! Stop being so selfish!

And yes, don't worry, I'm taking my tray to the dark part of the cafeteria to sit with the other pervs.