File this under: Shit that I've learned from the latter years of Kunty Karl, Calvin Klein and Giorgio Armani.
When I'm deep into the "Dinner at 5" phase of my life and want a hot piece of buff man meat to massage waterproof Benjamin Homosexual cream (all the refined socialites refer to it by its full name, dahling) between my wrinkly toes and give me the Heimcock maneuver after I have trouble swallowing my own saliva, I have to somehow sell a million overpriced gowns to a million women first. Sounds easy. Now let me just pull my Sew Easy knitting machine out of my asshole and get on that.
There has be an easier way. I'd do that whole "sell my soul to Lucifer" thing, but my soul went into foreclosure years ago. It ain't worth shit. Anyway.
Here's more of the luckiest old bitch alive Giorgio Armani frolicking in Formentera, Spain with a hot piece that I'm sure he's introducing as "his nephew." I can't wait until I'm 77 and can introduce my leased whores as "my nephew."
I was going to write a post about how Sienna Miller is giving her bull dozer vagina the spring off to fuck around with totally single and unmarried Tom Sturridge, but then I came across this picture of her moistening her chops at the sight of Gandalf's behind-the-counter goods in London yesterday. Or maybe she's excited because she's thinking about all the homes she can barge into with that motorized scooter. Yeah, it's definitely that.
And now you and horses have something in common, besides the whole "raising your leg whenever somebody comes behind you" thing. Mia Wasikowska, who stars as Jane Eyre in Jane Eyre, tells Movie Line about how her co-star Michael Fassbender caused dozens of horses to replace the Trace Cyrus poster in their stalls with the picture above. Their neeeeeigh is now calling Michael's name.
Mia says that Michael's crotch has the stuff that makes horses drop their fifth leg and dream of turning his cheeks into a feedbag, and she learned about this during rehearsals. The Reverse Equus presented by Mia Wasikowska:
“Michael had a very… huge effect on any horse he got on. There was a horse on the third day of filming [when] we were shooting the scene where Jane and Rochester meet, and every time Michael hopped on the horse it got a huge erection. And he’d get off and they’d run the poor thing around the block to try to make it go away, and he’d hop on it again and it would happen all over again, and they’d have to get him off and run it around.
It happened in rehearsals and then on the day of shooting. So it was great.”
It's easy to laugh at this, but it could've ended with Michael getting an anal graft on a surgeon's table. Michael's horse could've had a "moment" mid-gallop and BOOM! Horse dick hitting the ground like an anchor! Michael would've flown over his horse's head and landed ass up on the dirt. Michael's ass in the air + a ready-to-party horse - lube = not a good scene.
Another day, another awards show, but the Directors Guild Awards in Los Angeles were something special, because the hypnotic Ronn Moss graced their presence. If you don't know who Ronn Moss is, there's a good chance your jaw is going to unlock itself and quit your ass. Ronn Moss is a LEGEND (legend = Ridge Forrester on The Bold and the Beautiful) and his jawline is equally as legendary. Ronn could cut off your panties and shape your bush into a heart with that jaw! Zoolander could pucker like Renee Zellweger giving fellatio to a Lemonhead, and he still wouldn't get Ronn's organically beautiful jawline!
You know how some dudes spend years in the gym trying to get that V muscle under their abs? Well, Ronn was naturally born with a V muscle and he didn't have to lift one stupid weight to get it. Yes, Ronn's V muscle on his face, but he's still got it. I swear, watching Ron chew on steak fat is probably a magical and spiritual experience. Let me add that one to my bucket list.
Strangely enough, the Directors Guild Awards weren't only held to pay tribute to Adonis Ronn's jaw of marble. They also gave out awards and a bunch of blah blah bitches (besides Ronn, of course) showed up. In order: Claire Danes, Colin Firth, Andrew Garfield, Helena Bonham Carter, Natalie Portman with Darren Aronofsky, Trent Reznor, Peg Bundy, some beige thing and Sofia Vergara.
It looks like one of the mangy and raggedy moplets from the Twilight wig closet broke free and galloped towards Istanbul to seek refuge on the top of Tom Hardy's head. It's not a bad place to seek refuge, but that Julian Assange-like busted wig is bringing down his hotness to dangerous levels. Tom is wearing that dingle-ridden mess on the set of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, so it's part of the job, but still! Way to screw with the beauty. Although, that wig does look like it would make a good cum mop.... Hmm. SOLD!
On the left is pro surfer Kelly Slater at the Eddie Aikau Big Wave opening ceremonies in Hawaii, and on the right is The Real Housewives of Bellevue's very own Kelly Bensimon toughening her hide in Miami.
One Kelly makes me want to slather him in Mr. Zog's Sex Wax and ride his board on a waterbed until the downstairs neighbor complains about a leak ruining their new rug. And the other Kelly makes me wish I was fashionably brave enough to mix brown and black leathers. So there you go, Kelly served two ways: bald and shaved, or jerkyfied!
Those cobblestones have been through some serious shit, but I bet they were not prepared for the kind of heat they felt when Lenny Kravitz stepped out wearing an ensemble you thought only existed in Grace Jones or Bill Kaulitz' closet. Nope, Lenny has joined the game.
The sight of anyone in leather wedge boots and leather pants would make me reach for a vial of Tim Gunn's blessed saliva, but Lenny Kravitz can wear whatever the hell he wants.
When Lenny struts his ass in leather wedge boots, everybody's sphincter pays the price. Yup, so you better move your proctologist appointment up a few hours today. You won't stop puckering until then.
And yes, I'd hit it until the doctor pronounced me D.O.A. And Lenny can keep the boots on! Please do.
This has been said a million times over, but Johnny Depp sort of is like a young Keith Richards without the dried adobe clay on his face or the sexy green sneakers or the whole "stealing children's dreams in the middle of the night" thing. Johnny contemplated this while blowing a cig with Keith outside of a restaurant in London last night.
Johnny and his adoptive hobo daddy spent some time together after shooting Pirates of the Caribbean 4 all day. That's why Johnny's body is still covered in fake owwies.
And it was really nice and conscientious of Johnny to X mark the spot on his face where your right ass cheek goes. A gentleman all the way!
If you are a card carrying member of The S.A.L.T., then you better put on your anti-masturbation gloves right now and run far far away from this post! Because the sight and smell (yeah, the co-worker next to you didn't burp and queef again) of Dreamboat Doherty will send a shot of lust straight to your loins that even God can't control. That burning itching down below needs to be scratched. If only RID made lube.
It's been a while since Dlisted's genital warts flared up for Dreamy, but here he is (with enough shit under his nails to start his own ant farm) peeking at all of the action outside of a court house in London during George Michael's sentencing. Whenever Dreamy misses the days of getting yelled at by a judge, he drives up to a court house to get his fix. This is his porn. You can tell, because his cracked out eyes are so wide that even STAINS is telling him to calm down.
And now, I'll leave the two of you alone. And I'll also place a call to the exterminator, because you totally have bed bugs now.
Over at People, they have a grainy picture of Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez sucking the escargot chunks out of each other's mouths on the streets of Paris over the weekend. Usually, women find themselves in the arms of Olivier after he seduced them off their bar seat and into an empty nearby bathroom stall. Then he sucks on your tongue and grabs at your titties before cumming into his palm, wiping it on the wall and then leaving you quivering at the loins wondering what just happened. Yes, I've watched Unfaithful way too many times on cable. Anyways, this is not how it happened with Halle. Halle and Olivier shot Dark Tide together in South Africa last month. And here they are now...
An onlooker (aka the pap who followed them all day) says that Halle and Olivier were all over each other the entire day, "They had their arms around each other as they walked. They were both smiling and laughing. Their body language was very flirtatious. They definitely seemed like a couple – absolutely looked like more than friends. It was the classic 'I'm going to kiss you here in a dark corner' move. And she was waiting to be kissed."
LE BARF at that cheesy ass description! To be fair to Olivier, I'm sure he acts like that with 99% of his friends and possibly some of his distant relatives. And maybe a few cats he feels close to. It's his way! You can tell. Dude is always saying "I will mouth smother you in a dark corner" with his eyes. But my guess is that this isn't that serious. Halle is simply getting herself a piece of Olivier's buttery crotch baguette.
Besides, there's rumors that Halle is also humping on her ex Gabriel Aubry. If that's true, I say get it. I also say that Gabriel now knows why Halle's mouth always smells like a strange musky cheese....