Heidi Klum

These pictures of Heidi Klum, her bodyguard/fuck piece Martin Kristen, her son and nannies were taken on March 27th, just a few days before the ocean in Hawaii tried to swallow most of them. Entertainment Tonight has the pictures of Heidi and Martin turning themselves into warriors of the ocean to pull her son Henry and his two nannies out of the ocean. Heidi tells ET that when a riptide tried to eat her son Henry, she ran into the ocean, punched the waves, kneed a shark, karate chopped a jellyfish and choked out Ursula the Sea Witch before saving everybody. And Heidi did it while her nipples were popping out (click here for the pics).

"We got pulled into the ocean by a big wave. Of course, as a mother, I was very scared for my child and everyone else in the water. Henry is a strong swimmer and was able to swim back to land. We were able to get everyone out safely."

There's a Seal joke somewhere in there.....

The real story here is that Heidi has TWO nannies for one kid. So two people get to go on an all expenses-paid luxury trip to Hawaii and all they have to do is splash around in the ocean with a kid while Heidi humps on her bodyguard boyfriend behind a tree. And if they're getting pulled to their watery graves by a riptide, a paparazzo will take pictures so they have evidence when they need to sue Heidi's ass for millions for endangering their lives on the job. Get all of us an application!

This is the kind of classic look we should all expect from a woman who is supposedly an authority on high fashion and who gets paid actual money to judge fashion deeeeeeeezines. If Ed Hardy started its own country, this is what Miss Ed Hardy would wear to the Miss Universe pageant. You can find a sophisticated gown like this at any low-range stripper store on Industrial Road in Las Vegas, but Heidi Klum got hers from the House of Versace. Donatella Versace really does have a special gift for making ladies look the "house girl" of an illegal Russian casino. If the front of your gown doesn't tie up like a pair of sneakers, you're doing elegance wrong.

Heidi Klum hosted the MTV EMAs in Frankfurt, Germany last night and put all the hos to shame when she stepped out on the red carpet wearing a gown that looked like what you'd get if one of Elvis' jumpsuits had sex reassignment surgery. Perfection personified. Surprisingly, the EMAs didn't happen just so Heidi could wear this dress, they also handed out some awards to these bitches. via The Daily Mail:

Best Song - Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
Best New Act - One Direction
Best Female Act - Taylor Swift
Best Male Act - Justin Bieber
Best Pop Act - Justin Bieber
Best Live Act - Taylor Swift
Best Hip Hop - Nicki Minaj
Best Rock Act - Linkin Park
Best Electronic Act - David Guetta
Best Alternative Act - Lana Del Rey
Best Video - Gangnam Style (Psy)
Best Look - Taylor Swift
Biggest Fans - One Direction
Best Worldwide Act - Han Geng
Best World Stage - Justin Bieber
Best Push - Carly Rae Jepsen
Global Icon - Whitney Houston

I'm sure that's exactly what the Grammys' winners list will look like next year.

And here's some tricks and tramps who were lucky enough to get doused with the elegance Heidi Klum served up: Kim Kartrashian (looking like trash barfing up trash), Alicia Keys, Jedward with The Hoff, Rita Ora, Taylor Swift, Blahna Del Meh and Carly Rae Jepsen.

Heidi Klum should've canceled her annual Halloween party the day she traded in Seal's peen for the help's peen, but she still made plans to go on with it and had her team of full-time costume elves make her an elaborate as all hell Cleopatra costume. But Heidi will probably never wear that Cleopatra costume at one of her Halloween parties, because she has pressed the pause button that on shit. Since it's kind of hard to have a party in NYC without electricity, a dance floor that's not underwater and people who could give a shit, Heidi announced that her Halloween party is canceled and she might do a haunted Christmas thing in December instead. Well, at least this gives Heidi more time to fornicate with the help (Seal's words not mine). Heidi tweeted the news and also gave it to ET:

"I hope you & your loved ones are safe after this devastating storm in the New York City area. For obvious reasons, I am canceling my Halloween party scheduled for tomorrow night. I hope to postpone for the near future... maybe a very Haunted Christmas? I hope everyone understands and stays safe."

Can't we just cancel Halloween altogether? I know I'm almost an official ho of Los Angeles again... I say "almost," because I've only completed two out of three initiation rituals. I've bought naranjas by the freeway and I've gotten into my first road rage situation by flipping off and screaming at a dumb bitch in a white Fiat for taking my parking space at Trader Joe's. But I've yet to complain about how cold it is when it's 75 degrees outside, so I'm not official. But anyway, even though I'm almost an official ho of Los Angeles, I still can't get into Halloween when I know that the NYC subways aren't open. One of my favorite things to do during Slutoween times is to ride the subway at the end of the night and watch drunk messes in smeared make-up eat a taco while trying to keep their slutty costume from exposing their nips to everyone. That's Halloween to me. So see you next year, Halloween!

The rumor is that Heidi Klum's bodyguard Martin Kristen has been protecting her body extra close and most nights, he strips her down, strips himself down and then protects her body by lying on her so no bullets can hit her or anything. Seal was going through LAX the other night and TMZ asked him about Heidi being the Whitney to Martin's Kevin Costner. Seal basically said that Heidi's rose stopped kissing him, because she was too busy humping on her bodyguard. And it's kind of hard kissing Heidi's rose when Martin's dick is shoved into it. Heidi's cooch: one day you're in, the next day you're out, because the bodyguard's up in there.

Being the eloquent poet that he is, Seal said this when asked about Martin and he also said my favorite phrase of the day:

"Look, boys, this is what happens when two people separate, they move on and that generally means there's new people in their lives. I don't expect Heidi to all of a sudden become a nun. But as always, my main priority is the emotional of our children and to be quite honest if there's going to be somebody in their lives I'd much rather it be a familiar face. The only thing I would've preferred is if...um... I didn't expect any better from him, I would've thought Heidi would've shown a little bit more class and at least waited until we separated first before deciding to fornicate with the help."

Heidi wouldn't say if she's fornicating with the help now, but she denied fornicating with the help while she was married to Seal. Who cares either way, because we all won by Seal mouth farting the phrase: FORNICATE WITH THE HELP. I don't know if I should put on my coat and damn tails because it sounds like some prim and proper shit that would slip off of Maggie Smith's tongue in Downton Abbey. Or if it sounds dirtier than saying, she's getting dicked in the puss by her bodyguard. I don't know, but I do know that Seal's next single should be called Fornicate with the Help.

Here's Heidi and the help in NYC, making their way to her apartment to fornicate.

Seen here looking happy at home with several loads of sticky, wet, thick goo all over his alpaca face, Taylor Lautner was just one of the many hos who happily got hit with a Slimer bukkake at last night's Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. They say this is the Kids Choice Awards, but this is really the Tommy Girl's Choice Awards, because these pictures have made TG put the DO NOT DISTURB sign over his dungeon door while asking Xenu to forgive him for his fapping sins. Taylor Lautner + Alien Jizz = a party in Tommy's panties!

Taylor looks a little TOO happy while covered in bright green stickiness. If a load of green goo hit me in the face, I'd wonder what kind of Gerard Butler-like disease the peen it came from suffers from? I know what pineapple does, but what does that?! I bet that's what it looks like when you put a Parasite Hilton cream pie under a black light.

But Taylor wasn't the only one who got slimed last night. So did Halle Berry (insert Gabriel Aubry slow clap here), and below is Justin Bieber getting slimed while Will Smith bear hugged him from behind (via CDAN):

I don't know what happened there, but it has to be illegal in at least 1 province.

Here's a few more pictures from last night's mess of a show. In order!: Andrew Garfield, Kelly Taylor, Selena Gomez, Heidi Klum, Jesse McCartney, Kelly Osbourne, Katy Perry, some Garbage Pail Kid refugees, Kristen Stewart, Emma Stoner, Ashley Jizzdale, Halle Berry, The Lesbeaver with Will Smith and Michelle Obama.

Who do I need to talk to about extending the weekend to today and tomorrow, because all of us need an extra two days to recover from the emotional roller coaster of tragic uncertainty that Heidi Klum and Seal put us through. It all started on Saturday morning when the meaning of love cried itself into a sad puddle after TMZ said that Heidi is filing for divorce this week. Then on Sunday morning, People peeled us off of the bathroom floor, gently pulled the bottle of Jack out of our anuses and the dildo out of our mouths (In our vulnerable state, we all got confused about what goes into which hole. It happens.) to tell us that Heidi and Seal were working out. But the roller coaster finally crashed into the pavement last night when Heidi and Seal told People that they are done.

"While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition. We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children's sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy."

TMZ is now saying that Seal is a complete raging dickfart and since nobody likes a mean seal, Heidi is getting out of there. It also isn't soothing Seal's ego knowing that his wife makes more money than he does.

Whatever the reason is, can they just stop it already? One day Seal's in Heidi, the next day Seal's out of Heidi. My emotions (and my whiskey-soaked prostate) can't take it! All this Seal news has forced me to listen to "Kiss From A Rose" more times than one person should (once) and I got so low that I even searched for Heidi's song on YouTube. That's the Internet equivalent of reciting lines from The Way We Were to your cats while wearing your nastiest period sweats and eating bowls of ice cream soup.

And on a different note, almost every article about Seal and Heidi I read mentioned that he has a new album coming out. This is why the state of California should really add "Stunt Queen Moves" to its reasons for divorce list.

The world almost experienced a mass pumpkin suicide yesterday when TMZ heard that the reigning king and queen of Halloween, Heidi Klum and Seal, were making plans to murder the life out of their marriage after 6 years together. Cherubs turned their arrows on themselves and lovebirds made plans to legally change their name to loveisaliebirds. But everybody can stop now, because one of People's sources say that TMZ is being a melodramatic tea-spilling queen. Because although Heidi and Seal have hit a rough patch (Side note: Whenever anyone uses the phrase "rough patch" when talking about relationships problems, I always picture that rash you get when you rub up against a crotch with serious pube stubble.), they aren't making plans to legally quit each other anytime soon.

Heidi and Seal's marriage is getting shanked in the ass by a rose, but they're still trying to work it out. The source says that before Heidi leaves for Germany to shoot Germany's Top Model and Seal leaves for Australia to do The Voice over there, they are spending time together at home in Brentwood. Cut to the source: "They've been fighting a lot lately, but they have no plans to announce a split right now. They're not divorcing. They seem to be doing a lot better. They're both wearing their wedding bands."

Wait. So Heidi and Seal are trying to fix their marriage by spending all their time together? Didn't spending time together fuck them up in the first place? The problem is that they're always fighting, so now they're in a house together where they can fight all the time. The fuck kind of solution is that? If that solution was on a dress form, Tim Gunn would sashay in and kick it to the floor before saying "Make it work!"

I think that when a married couple is fighting all the time and they need to be in the same house together they should look to Oprah's "pretend you have a British houseguest" marital advice as the solution to their problems. And by that I mean, they should stop fighting to make fun of Oprah and her ridiculous ass marital advice. Making fun of Oprah can be the glue that holds your marriage together.

The answer to the question "Does true love last forever?" has just been answered with the sad image of Heidi Klum's vagina saying "One day you're in, ze next day you're aught!" to Seal's peen (which I'm pretty sure looks like this). Today is the day that Halloween and the meaning of love have joined hands and jumped to their deaths, because TMZ reports that Heidi Klum has kissed her marriage to Seal on both cheeks before saying "auf wiedersehen" to it after 6 years

This is not supposed to happen and TMZ doesn't have a lot of answers. They're hearing that Heidi will drop divorce papers into the hands of the L.A. County Superior Court by as early as next week, but they don't say specifically why she's clubbing her marriage. Heidi and Seal seemed like they were both queefing out hearts for each other when they were together in Aspen over the holidays, so some for real shit must've went down between then and now.

How can a couple who spread the cheese thick every year by renewing their vows in a lavish ceremony not make it? How can a couple who kept the costume industry alive by wearing lavish coordinating costumes every Halloween not last forever? How can a couple who has inspired me to use the word "LAVISH" twice in one paragraph not stay together till the end of time? WE NEED ANSWERS! Heidi and Seal owe it to us to gently sit us down at the table in the eat-in kitchen, give us each a juice box and tell us with puppets why daddy is moving out.

Oh vel, the only good thing to come out of this is that Heidi and Seal will renew their divorce vows in a LAVISH ceremony every year while wearing LAVISH costumes. Keep the lavishness alive, HeiSea!

No, this can't be Heidi Montag without her Mattel-made plastic shell on, because she already replaced all her muscles and veins with time release fake tan pouches and tubes filled with Victoria's Secret passion fruit body spray. This is the winner of every Halloween Heidi Klum simultaneously making Buffalo Bill and The BODIES exhibit dude rub at their foreskin by showing up to her Halloween party in Las Vegas on Saturday night dressed up like the human anatomy chart in my 7th grade science classroom. Or maybe Heidi is Courtney Stodden after she sheds her porn iguana skin off through the power of sexy face. Or maybe she's the state of Lindsay Lohan's career? Or Skeletor's lipstick dick after he humps the side of the ottoman for too long? Whatever she is, bitch wins at Halloween yet again.

If you're fuck deficient when it comes to dressing up for Halloween, then don't worry, because Heidi is Halloween-ing for all of us.

Trying to prove that the stick that's permanently shoved up her ass is actually a funny bone, Fishsticks Paltrow showed up to the Emmys last night in a hilarious dress that got more laughs than the shit was on Charlie Sheen's head. When she was talking to Ryan Gaycrest on the red carpet, I thought his peen was going to crawl up into his stomach so he could barf it out when he said that her Pucci dress was so sheer that we all faced the threat of seeing her cucci. Bitch's sense of reality is as fried as her hair if she thinks this shit looked sexy. GOOP looked like she was wearing a dildo cozy made of funeral doilies and grandma's old panties complete with Metamucil-induced skid marks.

Fishy is as skinny as a tampon string, but that dress made her look like she's serving up organic caca souffle. But I'm sure that a mere mortal will soon write an essay in The Morton Report about how they were choking on a chicken wing at an Emmy party when the sight of Fishy's stomach made them dry heave it out and SAVED THEIR LIFE! Fishy saves lives even when she looks like cold vanilla shit wrapped in memaw's table runner. Move on...

Here's a small gallery of more hos from last night along with my one-second comments. In order:

Paula Abdul who I'm assuming is wearing a sash made of bedazzled Vicodin pills for easy access.

Claire Danes who needs some fucking Latisse for her limp ass hair.

The Ginger Keeper of the Magnificent Chichis whose husband was obviously Mother Theresa in a past life.

Stepford Katie whose jooree box was obviously raided by Suri Cruise and Tommy Girl.

Heidi Klum whose coochie looks like its foaming at the mouth. Cujo coohie!

TWO CROSS-EYED GLAMOUR GODDESSES!

Jenna Aushwitz (I forget how to spell her last name and don't make me Google on a Monday
morning) who is wearing a reworked version of Brenda and Kelly's prom dress.

Sofia Vergara whose teeth scare me.

Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt whose face is starting to look like it's made of non-biodegradable materials. And I don't know if Jennifer's sticking out her stomach in that second picture or if her ovaries are orgasming from touching her piece (probably the latter).

Kristen Wiig whose nostrils must've had a case of the shies last night.

Evan Rachel Wood who at first I thought was Austin Scarlett in drag and got really disappointed when I learned the truth.

Peter Dinklage who made my nipple holes squeeee when he picked up that big Emmy and spoke at that tiny microphone.

Julianne Marguiles who should throw those clear aquarium rocks at whoever told her to wear that busted dress.

Olivia Munn who needs to have a seat and stop.

Jim Parsons who needs to spend less time dipping his face in a bowl of foundation and more time manicuring those brows.

Kate Winslet who is there.

And finally, Melissa McCarthy, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!!!!