Mel Gibson

I know, asking "Would I rather hump on Gerard Butler or Mel Gibson?" is like asking "Would I rather end up at the top of the CDC's Most Wanted list or would I rather have my genitals banned by Jewish people, black people, gay people, women people, hispanic people, jacuzzis, etc....?"

So apparently, Mel Gibson and Gerard Butler are friends and together they terrorized Miami over the weekend. These pictures have got me craving an IV drip full of Gatorade and menudo, because they look like two hungover and hairy nutsacks in sunglasses. They're like two rejected members of The Pussy Posse. But you know, Gerard is a genius for hanging out with Mel Gibson. Because next to Mad Mel, Gerard looks like a fresh piece of fresh ass and you completely forget that his crotch probably smells like a Limburger cheese and tonsil stones sandwich and you don't even care that when he unzips his pants, an unidentified wart mysteriously grows on your genitals. Who cares! Give me Gerard! Give me a mysterious kind of STD! But don't give me Mel Gibson!

Besides, call me vanilla, but when a sweaty piece is grunting over my back, I really don't want to hear him moaning about how Jews are evil. I also don't want a piece to threaten to burn my house down if I don't tickle his huevos. Oh, and don't call Mel's ballsack "huevos" or he'll demand to see your papers and call INS on you. That's a total orgasm killer.

Back in 2010, some of us developed an addiction to shoving Valium pills into our ears from listening to Mel Gibson pop his anus veins by screaming all kinds of beautiful romantic love lyrics at Oksana Grigorieva. Well, lube up your ear holes and grab a Valium, because Mel is raging again.

Joe Eszterhas, the screenwriter of the masterpiece that is Showgirls who wrote an open letter about how Mel Gibson is still Mel Gibson, gave The Wrap a recording of the glum cunt ranting so hard that he grew a hemorrhoid that eventually popped as he ranted some more. Joe was at Mel's house to work on the script for that movie about the Jewish Hero and Mel delivered one of his signature freakouts. Joe's son recorded some of it.

It's not like Joe should be surprised. If you're a guest at Mel Gibson's house, you should know that instead of turndown service and a chocolate on your pillow, you're going to get a kick to the soul and punch to the ears. If you don't need Mel's voice in your ears today, I've accurately transcribed his rant below:

"GAAARGAAARGAAARGRRRRRR WHY DONT I HAVE THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE MACCABEES GAAAARRRR GRRRRGAAARGRRAAA WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING GGRRRRAAA GRRAAAGRR COCKSUCKER WHORE GRRRRRRGAAAARRR GRRRR WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO EAT GO HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT HURRRRRR AAAAAH GRRRR FUCKING CUNT COCKSUCKER WHORE AAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

That is totally what it sounds like when Herman Munster is trying to push out a hard shit. You know you've listened to too many Mad Mel rants when the only question you have is: I wonder what they were eating? I bet it was latkes. It was totally latkes.

When Mel Gibson announced that he was producing a movie about legendary Jewish warrior Judah Maccabee, anybody whose brain hasn't been logged with jacuzzi water could clearly see that he was only doing this to make people forget that he spends his off hours punching yarmulkes while sticking his nasty peen in a fleshlight modeled after Eva Braun's pussy. Well, Joe Eszterhas, the screenwriter Mad Mel hired to work with him on the script, just learned this BRAND NEW information and let that ho have it in a 9 page letter.

Clueless Joe from Hannibal, DUH should've kept it simple by simple writing, "Dear Mel, you're a glum cunt. Fuck off. I hate you.," but instead he detailed the reasons why working with Mel was the worst professional experience of his career. Warner Bros. rejected Joe's script and he blames it all on Mel. In the letter magically obtained by The Wrap, Joe writes that instead of focusing on the script, Mad Mel raged about murdering Oksana Gregorieva during ass sex (Side Note: Strangely enough, that sounds like a scene Joe Eszterhas would write.) and constantly referred to Jews as "oven dodgers." So yeah, it's just Mel being Mel!

Here's a few choice quotes, but click here if you need to say DUH on a loop while reading a 9 page letter:

On Mel's love of slurs: "You continually called Jews 'Hebes' and 'oven-dodgers' and 'Jewboys.' It seemed that most times when we discussed someone, you asked 'He’s a Hebe, isn’t he?' You said most 'gatekeepers' of American companies were 'Hebes' who 'controlled their bosses.'"

On how Mel thinks the Holocaust is basically a work of fiction: “You said the Holocaust was 'mostly a lot of horseshit.' You said the Torah made reference to the sacrifice of Christian babies and infants. When I told you that you were confusing the Torah with The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, ... you insisted 'it's in the Torah -- it's in there!' (It isn't)."

On how Mel is always just being Mel: “I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason you won’t make ‘The Maccabees’ is the ugliest possible one. You hate Jews."

On how Mel threatened to put a hit out on Oksana: “You were raving at Oksana even after you’d reached a custody agreement over Luci.... And then you were even more explicit about your threat: 'I’m going to kill her! I’m going to have her killed!' You said you’d become friends with two FBI agents (or former FBI agents) and they were going to help you to kill her.”

On how Mel is still as romantic as ever: “You said, 'I want to fuck her in the ass and stab her to death while I’m doing it.'"

Mel, his publicist and three bottles of Valium all got into a room together and wrote a calm open response to Joe and released it to Deadline. Mel says that Joe made a lot of that shit up, but he also apologizes for using "colorful" words.

I will acknowledge like most creative people I am passionate and intense. I was very frustrated that when you arrived at my home at the expense of both Warner Brothers and myself you hadn’t written a single word of a script or even an outline after 15 months of research, meetings, discussions and the outpouring of my heartfelt vision for this story. I did react more strongly than I should have. I promptly sent you a written apology, the colorful words of which you apparently now find offensive. Let me now clearly apologize to you and your family in the simplest of terms.

Contrary to your assertion that I was only developing Maccabees to burnish my tarnished reputation, I have been working on this project for over 10 years and it was publicly announced 8 years ago. I absolutely want to make this movie; it’s just that neither Warner Brothers nor I want to make this movie based on your script.

Honestly, Joe, not only was the script delivered later than you promised, both Warner Brothers and I were extraordinarily disappointed with the draft. In 25 years of script development I have never seen a more substandard first draft or a more significant waste of time. The decision not to proceed with you was based on the quality of your script, not on any other factor.

If Mel's "colorful" words were a Crayon color, it's name would be, Anti-Semite Sepia or Razzle Dazzle IHATEFUCKINGJEWS Rose.

What can you really say? I'd be more shocked if Mel Gibson didn't say crap like this. If you put a grey wig on top of Hilter's anus and asked it to frown, it would look like Mad Mel so none of this is surprising at all. I've heard that Joe isn't exactly as innocent and pure as a newly grown hair on a virgin angel's taint, but there's one small fact that leads me to his side.... THE DUDE WROTE SHOWGIRLS, all other arguments are invalid.

Short answer: EVERYBODY!

Long answer: Tyler Perry, Mad Mel, Aretha Franklin, Alicia Keys, Cousin Dionne (DUH), Kevin Costner, High Priestess Oprah, Stevie Wonder, Clive Davis, Bobby Brown, CeCe Winans, Marvin Winans, Ray J and Rickey Minor.

Whitney Houston's funeral is tomorrow at the same Newark, NJ church where she first yodeled in the choir and I half expect Giuliana Rancic to be on the red carpet asking mourners who they're wearing. It's turning out to be like that. Celebrity after celebrity has been invited and People will start live streaming it in the morning. Aretha Franklin, who was like a godmother to Whitney, is going to sing and Kevin Costner is expected to reenact scenes from The Bodyguard. No, but Kevin Costner is going to speak. The name that is punching me in the eyeballs until all I see are stars spelling out the letters "W-T-F" is Mel Gibson's name. According to TMZ, Mel "I Hope You Get Raped By A Pack Of..." Gibson tried to help Whitney get off the bad shit a while ago and her family has always been grateful for that.

Mel has already told the family that he can't go, which sort of sucks, because you know who else is going? Those fame whoring heathen cunt demons of The Westboro Baptist Church. Mad Mel would rage their faces right off and we'd be rid of those crazies forever. But I guess we don't need Mel for that since Cousin Dionne will be there. Cousin Dionne's got the number of every single one of those hussies.

And she deserves every cent she ripped out of those sugartits. The divorce papers between jacuzzi suckjob enthusiast/psychotic racist Mel Gibson and wife Robyn Gibson (well, she now goes by Robyn "I Got Mine" Moore) have been signed, sealed, and delivered.

Ladies - you can stick around while he starts his own Jews Killed Jesus church. You can stick around while he insists on knowing if the cops pulling him over for drunk-drivin' spin a dreidel during the holidays and refers to them by their swingers club code names. And you can stick around when he makes shitshows like this. But once he knocks up a slightly more refined, orchestral version of Octomom and then gets his completely crackers rants at her recorded and played all over the world (and then reportedly knocks up TWO OTHER WOMEN) - shit's over. Turn the jets off, pull the tarp over that particular hot tub, and go shopping, sweetie.

 TMZ says that the Gibsons net worth is a little less than 900 million. And there wasn't a prenup. They didn't friggin' have friggin' prenups in 1970s Australia (cue a soft chuckle from Ms. Moore)!

Have you seen The Road Warrior? They probably got married on a surfboard and cracked cans of Fosters over each other's foreheads instead of exchanging rings. Shit was rugged.

The Gibson are said to have negotiated the money biz for over a year. And bitch got HALF.

If you need Robyn, she will be building a Jewish homosexual disco next to Mel's church that's made out of rubies and champagne flutes, and flashing her new pussy tattoo ("$425,000,000!") at him from off the balcony. Think of how many of those weird Queen Victoria collection-plaid flower collar- "we're not fucking tonight" hell dresses and 1990's Susan Powter-butch bitch cuts you could afford with that take!

Mariah Yeater isn't the only trick who's slowly pushing Maury toward an early retirement so he can finally escape the paternity test fuckery. Star Magazine (via Radar) is reporting that some nobody from a short-lived reality shit show called Secrets of Aspen is telling her friends that she's pregnant with a blank check signed with Mel Gibson's old man jizz. Mel Gibson's dick: truly the gift that keeps on giving gold diggers the debit card baby of their dreams.

A source close to Laura Bellizzi claims that the fetus growing in her uterus is nearly 4-months old and she's trying to keep the identity of its father a secret from the media. Laura took a few unprotected rides on Mad Mel's wrinkled Swastadick over the summer after mutual friends introduced them. One of Laura's friends, Bridgette Willis, tells Rumor Fix that Mel is the father and the only way he'd be happier about this is if his newest spawn was born with a Hitler stache and sugar cube nipples. Bridgette put it like this:

“In fact, it was not long at all after she and Mel met that she became pregnant with his child. I don’t know if the baby was planned but I know Laura has told me that she and her parents are just so happy!

Laura told me, ‘Mel and I have a connection we are deeply connected. We talk every day on the phone.’ I believe from what Laura has told me Mel Gibson’s intentions are to keep this pregnancy under raps. Mel Gibson is taking care of Laura financially. This will include a luxurious home in a prominent gated community in Ladera Ranch in Orange County that she will soon move into. Also, she has told me that their baby will be enrolled in an elite private pre-school in San Juan Capistrano, CA. Last I was told there is a pre and post birth arrangement that has been instilled by Mel Gibson that will also include a trust fund for the baby. Laura has told me that she hasn’t asked for anything from Mel Gibson.”

Laura's lawyer denies that Mel is the co-maker of her unborn child and Mel's rep says this is a pack of lies. But I'm not sure....

The last time Mad Mel didn't destroy his anti-Semitic sperm fish by wrapping a rubber yarmulke over his peen head before sticking it in, he was exposed as an abuser of ladies, babies, Jacuzzis, telephones, voicemail boxes, ottomans, ear drums, nerves, etc... etc... So is Mel stupid enough to do that shit again? Yeah, totally. Mel is no match against an ambitious gold digger with smarts and drawing skills!

Mad Mel made a vow to only cum during a blowjob before Jacuzzi, but Laura wasn't going to let that stop her. Laura painted a beautiful Aryan lady face over her labia lips, threw a wiglet over the face and then did an elbow stand. Then as Mad Mel approached her, she used the ancient art of cuntriloquism to flap her coochie lips as she said, "Oh, my Catholic Prince, allow me to blowjob you before Jacuzzi." BOOM. Pregnant. Bitch is the Einstein of gold diggers.

That's the spirit, Mad Mel. If you can't get a trick to blow you before Jacuzzi, do the blowing yourself. I've said it before, if you can't beat 'em, blow 'em, but Mad Mel went above and beyond by blowing and beatin' them at the same time!

Last night in Beverly Hills, the roof of The Beverly Hilton almost cracked and exploded into space from the force of a million swollen egos when Mel Gibson, Sean Penn, Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux and Jodie Foster all gathered in one ballroom to honor Robert Downey Jr.'s contribution to American cinema. And by "contribution" they really mean his role in Weird Science.

After Sean Penn, Jennifer Aniston and Mel Gibson all licked on RDJ's taint by showering him with kind words, he used his time on stage to defend his friend Mel. Oh here go hell come....

“This is my fuckin’ time. Mel and I have the same lawyer, same publicist and same shrink. I couldn’t get hired and he cast me. He said if I accepted responsibility – he called it hugging the cactus – long enough my life would take meaning and if he helped me I would help the next guy. But it was not reasonable to assume the next guy would be him.

Unless you are without sin, and if you are you are in the wrong fucking industry, you should forgive him and let him work."

Don't tell us what to do, RDJ....unless you're about to tell us to nibble your nipples in a gentle manner.

The way I see it there's three kind of people:

1. The people who won't forgive Mel Gibson, because he's an anti-Semitic canker sore on a dehydrated asshole and just when they start to feel like he's changed his crusty mouth shits out another racist nugget. The glum cunt just keeps fucking up and he can't even get a blowjob!

2. The people who have forgiven Mel Gibson and can watch his movies without seeing him as the lady-abusing, anti-Semitic canker sore on a dehydrated asshole that he really is.

3. The people who have looked under the bed, searched the cushions of their sofa, checked the back of their fridges and still can't find one fuck to give about Mel Gibson.

Even if we were all #1 people, Mel's dumb stupid busted ass would still be fine. The shitbag has millions and a Jacuzzi jet to keep him company for the rest of his days. RDJ should've saved his words for somebody who really deserves them, like his Soapdish co-star Cathy Moriarty. Now that is a bitch who really needs a major movie comeback in a big way!

Here's more pictures from last night's American Cinematheque Awards. I wish there was a picture of Sean Penn and Mel Gibson together. Together they would look like a wrinkly and crusty old man nutsack glistening under a tanning bed light.

It was nice of Mel Gibson to make an OY! THIS BITCH face so you don't have to.

The Hollywood Reporter says that noted supporter of the Jews and honorary rabbi Mad Mel somehow got Warner Bros. to back the movie he's writing about Jewish hero Judah Maccabee. In other news, Michele Bachmann has announced that she's quitting the "trying to run for president" thing to make a documentary about Robert Mapplethorpe.

Wikipedia says that Judah Maccabee is one of the greatest warrior heroes in Jewish history who led a revolt against some king named Antiochus IV, took over Jerusalem and restored the Holy Temple. That victory is now celebrated by Hanukkah. It makes sense that Mad Mel would be the one to write this story since whenever you think of Hanukkah, you immediately think of Mel Gibson! Wait. Stupid ass me. I'm getting my "kah" sounds confused again. Whenever you think of Mel Gibson, you immediately think of the word "cunt." Yeah, that's what I really meant.

Mel doesn't know yet if he wants to direct or take a role in the movie. He's currently just writing the script with my favorite screenwriter Joe Eszterhas. And why is Joe Eszterhas my favorite screenwriter ever? Here are 4 reasons why:

1. Basic Instinct
2. Sliver
3. Showgirls
4. Jade

The Hollywood Reporter is also reporting (no, they're not) that John Galliano is in talks to design costumes, Vanilla Gorilla has already signed on to play the lead role and Mel's contract states that he must get paid with blowjobs before Jacuzzi (still not going to happen, but nice try, you glum cunt).

Last year, Mad Mel Gibson offered Oksana Grigorieva $15 million as a break-up settlement in exchange for a blow job before jacuzzi (you can't blame an asshole for trying). After OctoSana shook her head no to that offer (which because of her inner tube lips sounded like the dick slap dance from Kids), Mad Mel offered her $15 million straight up. That's when OctoSana took a gold digger gamble by turning Mel down and decided to take him to court instead. Well, in case you couldn't tell from the fuck my life face she's making in that picture above, bitch gambled and LOST.

TMZ says that when OctoSana turned down the $15 million last year, she tried to make it sound like she did it because part of the settlement included Mad Mel spending unsupervised time with their daughter Lucia. But their source claims that she thought her shovel could hit more gold if she dragged his crusty prune face to court.

Today was court day, and when OctoSana put her open palms out to collect her money, the court put a single $750,000 coin in her hands. $750,000!!!!!! The court stenographer immediately stopped her typing to play this sound on a boombox:

That's not even worth a fart from that original $15 million settlement! If that isn't already a kick to a gold digger's shovel, the settlement also gives Mad Mel even more unsupervised visits with his daughter.

The $750,000 will be paid over the next 5 years. The house she's living in will be sold and that money will go into a trust for their daughter. OctoSana and Mel will share both legal and physical custody of Lucia. OctoSana will also get child support every month, but that amount wasn't disclosed. Both OctoSana and Mel agreed to never speak of their relationship to the media again.

DAMN. DAMN. DAMN.

Let this be a lesson to gold diggers everywhere. When you make a baby with a Jew-hating, child-punching, anushole monster who has the face of a peach seed shat out of a walruses' ass and he offers you $15 million as a break-up settlement, TAKE THAT MONEY! Use it to change your name to Diabetes Tits Grigoriewitz and immediately move into a jacuzzi-free house in the middle of Israel. Mad Mel will never come for you and you'll never have to hear the words "BLOW ME BITCH" come out of his face lips ever again.

Mel Gibson's movie The Beaver comes out next month so it's the perfect time for him to try to patch the gaping cracks in his already crumbling reputation by giving a somewhat candid and lucid interview about the leaked audiotapes and more! In order to keep the glum cunt's rage from simmering over, his anger management team insisted that the interview be conducted in a lukewarm jacuzzi with Mel's little Nazi soldier shoved in a jet. It worked, because Mad Mel didn't ask for one blow job (I think) or tell Allison Hope Weiner that she was dressed like a rape bait whore (I think) when he spoke to her for Deadline Hollywood.

The interview is longer than the therapy session you had to go through after listening to Mad Mel's complete Passion of the Glum Cunt rants, but I'll give you the ten-second-ish version. Mel says that he regrets what was said on those tapes, but then goes on to mouth fart that they were edited and the words that came flying out of his mouth in that one moment in time don't define him as a monster.

"I’ve never treated anyone badly or in a discriminatory way based on their gender, race, religion or sexuality -- period. I don’t blame some people for thinking that though, from the garbage they heard on those leaked tapes, which have been edited. You have to put it all in the proper context of being in an irrationally, heated discussion at the height of a breakdown, trying to get out of a really unhealthy relationship. It’s one terribly, awful moment in time, said to one person, in the span of one day and doesn’t represent what I truly believe or how I’ve treated people my entire life."

When Mel said that first line, the jacuzzi jet spit his dick out from laughing so hard. Mel's anger management team furiously shoved it back in so that the interview could go on without him screaming at Allison if she's of the Jewish Weiners.

Allison then asked Mel if he's scared that his acting career is now in a coffin because of the tapes. Mel doesn't care if he'll ever act again.

"I’m beyond that, way beyond that. The whole experience has been most unfortunate. And so it’s not without all the downside.

I could easily not act again. It’s not a problem. I’m going to do something now because I want to do it and because it’s fun. I’ve already pulled another job and it’s going to be fun."

Sadly for Mel, the fun fun fun job he's talking about is not of the blow variety. The pre-jacuzzi blow job continues to elude him!

Allison brought up how a little percent of his Hollywood friends (examples: Whoopi and Jodie Foster) have defended him, but then asked him how he felt when some of the cast of The Hangover II came together to kick him out of the movie.

"You have to let that go. I sat here and talked to [director] Todd [Phillips] about it. I like Todd. How could you not like Todd? He’s smart and he’s gifted and so are the other people in the film. It’s okay. You just have to let that go."

Mel refused to go into the details of his divorce from his wife and sealed his lips when he was asked about the supposed $16 million settlement Oksana Grigorieva turned down, but he did have an answer for why he pleaded "no contest" to allegedly beating on OctoSana:

"I was allowed to end the case and still maintain my innocence. It’s called a West plea and it’s not something that prosecutors normally allow. But in my case, the prosecutors and the judge agreed that it was the right thing to do. I could have continued to fight this for years and it probably would have come out fine. But I ended it for my children and my family. This was going to be such a circus. You don’t drag other people in your life through this sewer needlessly, so I’ll take the hit and move on."

Mel then goes on to blabber on and on and on about his springtime Beaver, so you can read all about it on Deadline if that's how you want to spend your Good Friday morning.

Allison did ask a lot of pointed questions, but I still have a few that are lingering in my head area (not really). Did Mel ever get that beej or is it still hiding behind a corner laughing at him? Because of Michelle Obama's whole anti-obesity campaign, has Mel switched from sugar tits to the healthier agave tits, or even Stevia tits? Did Mel really want OctoSana to get molested by a pack of Nilla Wafers (I forget the exact quote)? Mel says that all of the anti-Semetic shit he spewed happened at a very weak, heated moment, but then what's his explanation for allegedly calling Winona Ryder an "oven dodger"? What did Veronica ever do to him? Should we call him Heather Gibson from now on?

These are the REAL questions that need answers!