Kim Kardashian

Kim Kartrashian just keeps dragging her 7-month-old Kimye fetus all around the world to spend some time with Kanye West and he keeps running away from her like he's Carmen Sandiego and she's a damn ACME agent.

Kim and Pimp Mama Kris flew to NYC last week and the day after they got there, Kanye West took his ass to Paris. Then when Kim and Pimp Mama Kris flew to Paris for a photo shoot with Kunty Karl (pleasedontletitbeanakedshoot... pleasedontletitbeanakedshoot....), Kanye took his ass to Milan. The Daily Mail says that Kim and Kanye were in Paris at the same time for a few hours, but they didn't get one second together, because she was busy posing for Kunty Karl and he was too busy not giving one fuck about seeing her. The next stop on Kanye's tour is Milan, so he went on to Italy without her.

I would feel sorry for Kim and I try (no, I don't) and I try (no, I don't) and I try (no, I don't) to, but I just can't. Kim knows that Kanye is a gold-encrusted douche who only cares about Kanye (and leather kilts) and Kanye knows that Kim is a wax-covered fame whore who only cares about Kim. Even though they hate each other, they kind of belong together. And it's probably not hard to avoid Kim. All Kanye has to do is go somewhere she'll never go like any place where there's not a camera around.

If Kim really wants to see Kanye, she should just hang out in front of Riccardo Tisci's butthole. Kanye will show up eventually.

Putting your hooves through some serious pain must be the thing to do this week.

Julianne Moore sent all her piggies scrambling for air when she shoved all of them into tiny shoes. And now here's Kim Kartrashian with her feet packed so tight into her shoes that they look pig's feet wrapped in plastic. Your feet should not look like they belong in the refrigerator at 99 Ranch Market and my abuelita should not want to use them to make sopa.

What's the point of being pregnant if you're not going to sprawl your ass on the sofa and eat Nilla Wafers dipped in Hershey syrup and Fluff? Oh, I guess the point for Kim is to strangle her body with ridiculous clothes and give birth to a baby she can whore out for an extra check. I get it, but DAMN. Bitch's swollen hooves look like they need to be hooked up to an oxygen mask and an IV full of fluids.

And on another note, why is dressed like Jor-El?

The rumor that Kanye West is letting Givenchy's creative director Riccardo Tisci pull up his leather kilt at the end of the night has been around for a while now, but I guess when you're like Kim Kardashian and live in a fart bubble of narcissism, all non-Kardashian news never makes it into your ears. But after Kim wore a Givenchy sofa carcass to the Met Gala, some of her Twitter followers told her about the rumor that Kanye is gargling on the nutsack of the dude who designed her dress.

InTouch (via Radar) says that Kim's followers told her that Kanye's apartments in NYC and Paris are really close to Riccardo's apartments, which totally means that they're doing it. InTouch's source says that Kanye does spend a lot of time in Paris with Riccardo, so Kim started freaking out.

“There are some facts Kim can’t deny. Kanye has spent her entire pregnancy living close to Riccardo in the French capital and Riccardo recently purchased an apartment less than half a mile from Kanye’s in NYC’s Soho neighborhood. Kanye is obsessed with Riccardo. They have a very deep bond. They spend a lot of time together at Kanye’s apartment.

Kim freaked out. If it turns out Kanye is involved with Riccardo, she will be utterly embarrassed — more so than she’s ever been in her life."

Can I get a "BITCH, PLEASE"? If Kim hasn't been embarrassed by her pimp mom, her plastic face, her fake wedding, her boring sex tape, her clothes and her entire existence, then I doubt this will embarrass her. Utterly. Kim doesn't care if Kanye fucks men or fucks armadillos as long as he keeps her on the cover of every tabloid.

I just hope that if Kanye is involved with Riccardo that he properly moisturizes and lubes up that dry E.T. finger of his before they get into fingerbanging fun time.

In the fame whore dictionary, the definition of "recluse" is totally different than the definition in the dictionary all of us use. Because Kim Kartrashian thinks that a "recluse" is a shameless 24-hour spotlight fucker who spends more time in front of a camera than behind a camera, gives the paps several servings of her knocked up kamel toe daily and poses in a bikini for the cover of Recluse Weekly (known to you and me as UsWeekly). Kim tells the UK's Fabulous Magazine (via HuffPo) that ever since Gay Fish's sperm fish were turkey basted up into her baby making parts, she has become even more of a recluse. Well, you can't say the word "recluse" without saying "wreck" and "loose," so the heffa might have a point.

"I'm definitely more of a recluse since I was pregnant. But I haven't necessarily decided to hold myself back, it's just preparing myself for respecting the privacy of my child and my boyfriend.

There goes Kim throwing out words she doesn't know the true meaning of! Ho wouldn't know "respect" or "privacy" if they were both shaped like a boomerang and tapped her on the ass cheeks in a straight-to-Vivid sex tape. Kim then goes on to say some stuff that makes me think that her and Kanyetta West's contract is coming to an end soon.

"We live different lives, but I love being open. That's who I've always been. That will never change because that is who I am."

Yes, Kim, we've seen you be all open around Ray-J's crooked crowbar dick, so we know how open you are. It made you a STAH! And really, Kim is just setting up her inevitable split from Kanye. We all know how this is going to go. Pimp Mama Kris is going to get even more tabloid covers and non-stop coverage on TMZ by turning this into an all-out kustody battle. PMK will want full custody of Baby Kimye, because she needs a new generation of Kardashians to whore out. Kanye will want full custody of Baby Kimye, because he needs a baby to dress up in Givenchy leather skirts and he'll need a friend to play with when he moves to the French countryside with his lovah. It'll be like Kramer vs. Kramer if both Kramers were shameless whores.

And here's Kim being all reclusive yesterday and Kanye leaving her house with the head wound he got when he lost a fight against a sign.

A funny thing and a shitty thing happened in Beverly Hills today. The funny thing is that Kanye Kardashian smacked his dome right into a sign while walking to a restaurant with Kim Kartrashian. The shitty thing is that the paparazzi didn't get a shot of the exact moment when the sign bitch smacked him right in the head. The paps took pictures and video right before and after he knocked that sign with his head, but nobody (so far) has a picture of his head actually knocking against that sign. What good is the paparazzi when they can't get a picture that would've completed our lives?!! It was their one job and they FAILED us all!!!!!

TMZ does have a video of Kanye right after he left a piece of his ego on that sign and it's hilarious.  Just like a bratty 4-year-old, Kanye throws a melodramatic cunt tantrum and starts yelling at the paps for making him bust his head on that sign. I take back what I said about the paps in the paragraph above. I thank them for making Kanye's head go BOOM on that sign.

It gets better... Kuntye went full crazy and his Givenchy butt plug probably popped out when he went at another pap a few minutes later:

In Kanye's defense, if your ass lips were overheating under black leather and you knocked up a Kartrashian, forever bonding you to those whores, you too might be a little extra bitchy. Although, Kanye is ALWAYS a little extra bitchy. And the best part is that Kim is probably the one who called those paps. Good work, Kim!

This week's issue of UsWeekly must be their annual comedy issue and I'm guessing they let Pimp Mama Kris guest edit it, because this is even more hilarious than Mrs. Doubtfire shading Kim Karcouchian on Twitter.

Over a week ago, the Kartrashian family wanted to spend some quality time in the sun with their favorite things in the world, the cameras, so they shot a vacation episode of Throwing Up with the Kartrashians in Greece. Sadly, Poseidon didn't return to Greece to spin a whirlpool under the Kardashian's yacht, sending them back to Hades, but something good did come out of their tip to Greece. I'm talking about this cover.

Ever since PMK's future money maker started growing and growing and growing in Kim's womb, some have said that she's looking like a sausage trying to escape out of its casing and that's mainly because of the ridiculous crap that Kanye throws on her body. So Kim ripped off the leather dresses and showed the haters her knocked up body. I'm all for a fame whore freeing her body of the leather sausage casing that binds her, but that picture should have the words "The Brothers Grimm Presents..." over it, because that body is a fairy tale. If you're going to show it, show it.

But in PMK's defense, if Photoshop wasn't involved in the making of that cover, then she'd lose her title as the master of fakery.

Kanye West had to lick Anna Wintour's ass clean a thousand times to get that trash heap heffa Kim Kartrashian an invitation and this is what she wore. The theme of the night was "punk," because the Costume Institute's exhibit is Punk: From Chaos to Couture and I guess Kim thought that since she and Kanye are a couple of punk ass bitches they fit in with the theme perfectly!

I was watching the live feed of this mess, which was awkward comedy at its finest, and dumb ass Kim said that this was her idea of "punk." It's "romantic punk." BITCH, my chihuahua's swollen anal gland (I'm taking him to the groomer tomorrow, don't worry) is more punk rock than the floral vomit she wore tonight. They should've thrown a plastic cover over her, because this is someone's abuelita's sofa.

She looks like that dusty, lumpy sofa that had your grandma has had for years and decided to finally get rid of it. So your grandma, with the help of two neighborhood boys, puts it on the curb for the garbage men to take, but they never take it. It just sits there on the curb. The dogs pee on it, the birds crap on it and it gets even lumpier from the rain. After a few weeks, your grandma finally gives in and drags it back into her house and puts it in her backyard. The only thing missing from Kim's look is a grandma sitting on top of her.

Kanye's alleged fuck buddy Riccardo Tisci made this for Kim and I could blow a million air kisses at his taint. He knew what he was doing and he should get the Nobel Peace Prize in SHADE for doing it!

Concrete Loop posted this video of Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West in Paris yesterday morning and they think that it's extremely ungentlemanly-like for him to not help her knocked up fame whore ass out of the car and then stand in front of the door and wait for her to open it. Um, are they forgetting that this is Kanye? I'm surprised he didn't make Kim pull her pregnant Gossamer-looking ass out of that car, run to his side and open up his door. I'm also surprised he didn't make Kim rip her red dress off and lay it on the ground for him to walk on so he won't dirty the bottoms of his precious shoes. So this is Kanye being extra, extra polite.

But really, if Jay-Z was in that car with Kanye, Kanye would've ripped that door open and carried his true love to that store and opened up the door with his mouth. And he would've serenaded Jay-Z the entire time. This is what Kim gets for not being Jay-Z.

And to answer your question, yes, I asked myself "What has become of me?" as I analyzed the door-opening manners of two fame sluts.

After watching Ray J's trolltastic video for his musical love letter to Kanye West called "I Hit It First" and after looking at pictures from the Kartrashian's big fat fame whore holiday in Greece, I don't know who's trashier and more desperate for attention?

Ray J makes a case for himself by making a video that is devoted to reminding all of us that his horse shoe dick made Kim Kartrashian the highest paid fame whore on the ho stroll. Ray J should've spent less of the video's $500 budget on luxury car rentals and more on getting a better Kim klone, because that Kim look-alike is lacking. I mean, look at how the Kim klone moves around on that bed. The real Kim has never moved that much in her life. If the Kim klone really wanted to do an authentic Kim K impersonation, she should've laid lifeless on that bed like a garden slug that's just been tasered. And really, nothing is more desperate than using a desperate Kartrashian for attention.

Then there's the Kartrashian's vacation in Greece. All of the Kartrashians (sans Kanye and Lamar) are currently terrorizing Mykonos while filming their shit show there. We should never forgive Mother Nature for this, because she had the chance to create a giant whirlpool to hell underneath the Kartrashians' yacht and she didn't do it.

All of these pictures are the definition of shameless from Kourtney Kartrashian thinking it's okay to wear this outfit in public to Kim K acting like she knows how to operate a camera to Pimp Mama Kris openly dancing with the tortured creature she turned into a bumbling wax Chucky Doll.

And to answer my own question in the first paragraph, I don't know.  I'm not going to try to answer that one. Instead, I'll stare at this picture and try to figure out who's winning the battle to the biggest, Kim's bump or ass?

And this is what Kanye's face looks like when he's with Kim Kartrashian:

Kanye West ranted about how Jay-Z's song with Justin Timberlake Suit & Tie should really be called Shit & Die, but his opinion didn't break them up and Jay-Z is still Kanye's third real love (his first being himself and his second being his MacBook Air). When Kanye saw Jay-Z coming out of a car in SoHo yesterday, he lit up like Givenchy just gave him a year supply of leather skirts. He lit up like he does when he sees his own reflection in the mirror over his bed in the morning. He lit up like I'd light up if I found a stash of weed in a bag of Andy Capp Hot Fries. Kanye was so happy he could've farted out his Hermes butt plug.

And then later, when he met up with Kim his happy face melted into a sad face. Kanye looked like someone just pooted on his MacBook Air. He looked like someone said "SIKE!" after telling him that Givenchy just offered him a year supply of leather skirts. He was the saddest Gay Fish in all the land. Okay, he might've smiled like once when he was with Kim, but we all know why that happened:

So, Kim, when Kanye cracks a smile around you, it's only because he's thinking of Jay, bitch. He's thinking of Jay...