Fake Asses

These bold ass bitches right here. The whoriest whores of the Illuminati are spreading their evil in Rio de Janeiro right now and yesterday they dared to pose in front of the Christ the Redeemer statue. These minions of Satan (aka Pimp Mama Kris) have no shame. The Christ the Redeemer statue probably wished he had a pair of working eyeballs so that he could've rolled them before falling forward to take a long nap.

Kim and Kanye Kardashian's never-ending attention whore tour is making a stop in Rio for carnival and they continued to draw as much attention to themselves as possible yesterday. Kim's 120 yard long ass gets enough attention on its own, but she made sure that she got maximum attention by making herself look like a giant pile of barfed up Pepto-Bismol. Bitch looks like a bag of melting, factory-defected hot pink jelly beans.

And will somebody pass the KimYe fetus an oxygen mask (tip: just hide the oxygen mask in a giant hollow black dildo, wave the giant black dildo at Kim and her coochie will instantly swallow it up), because the poor thing is probably suffocating thanks to Kim wrapping her body in a cocoon of Spanx.

It feels like Dr. Phil's interview with Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, the mastermind behind the Lennay Kekua hoax, has been going on for weeeeeeeks. Every site I go to, I see Dr. Phil's hard boiled egg with a pubestache face looking at me and this mess is everywhere. During the interview, Ronaiah said that he was in love with Manti Te'o' and that he used to be gay, but he's a recovering homosexual now. Is "recovering homosexual" short for "recovering from butt sex homosexual," because who hasn't been there? I guess if Man Titty O is "faaaaaaar" from gay, then I guess Ronaiah is like two freeway exists away from gay. He was just at gay, but now he's driving away from it. Ronaiah also said some other things to Phake Ass Phil, but who cares about that. The only thing I care about is hearing Ronaiah's lady voice and Dr. Phil was right there with me.

Dr. Phil kept asking Ronaiah to do his Lennay voice, but he got all kinds of shy and wouldn't do it. He finally agreed to do it behind a screen with a producer watching to make sure the lady sounds were coming out of his mouth. So Ronaiah called a phone and did his best Lennay voice:

He kind of sounds like Michael Jackson with Laryngitis speaking through a pillow. I bet Dr. Phil wasn't convinced. I bet after the show ended, Dr. Phil called Ronaiah up again and said, "Let me hear you do your Lennay voice one more time. Let me hear you say, 'Oh, Dr. Phil, let me lick the skin dome covering that brilliant mind of yours.' Yeah, say it like that. Say it again, slower. Wait, what sound? No, I didn't just pull my zipper down."

During Manti Te'o's interview with Katie Couric, which airs today, he claims that he's not a STUNT QUEEN, he's just a gullible bitch, because he wasn't a part of the fake dead girlfriend hoax and he had no idea that his friend Ronaiah Tuiasosopo was Lennay Kekua the entire time. Manti says that why would he take part in a hoax that has ruined his reputation and possibly screwed with his football career. But even if this does ruin his football career, that's okay, because he can get a job working from home. Manti read that Debbie's mom makes $566/a day posting links on Google. Unbelievable!

Manti gave Katie Couric 3 voicemails that he thought were from his fake girlfriend, but they were really from Ronaiah Tuiasosopo. In the voicemails, Ronaiah as Lennay, talks about her chemotherapy sessions, gets jealous over Manti having another girl in his room and tells him she was released from the hospital. Ronaiah's lawyer says that he pretended to be a woman and put on his "falsetto" voice every time he talked to Manti. Here's just one of the voicemails, you can here the rest at Deadspin:

If you need to compare Ronaiah's lady voice to his man voice, here's a clip of him talking normal. I don't know, if I was working the drive-thru at McDonald's and Ronaiah spoke in his regular voice, I don't think I'd call him "miss." So either his lady voice is that good or he's using some kind of software. I don't know, but I do know that I want to hear a clip of Lennay and Manti phone fucking each other. I really need to hear Ronaiah make lady orgasm sounds as his peen explodes.

And TMZ says that Manti isn't the only dude who Ronaiah supposedly tricked. Ronaiah has feelings for dudes, but he doesn't want to face those feelings, so he created a fake girl and lives vicariously through her.

We're told Ronaiah used the female persona in many encounters, but so far there's no evidence he became intensely emotionally attached to anyone -- until Manti. We've confirmed when Ronaiah spoke with Manti as "Lennay Kekua" he used his own voice.

Indeed ... Ronaiah's feelings became so intense, he blew his cover on December 6 because it was hard to walk away. He never intended to reveal Manti was actually talking to a man ... he just wanted to reconnect with Manti, but still as a woman.

Our sources say Ronaiah has buried his feelings to the point he has little emotion about anything. We're told even the scandal has not produced intense emotions.

Well, I guess that's one awkward way to come out, awkwardly.

How old is Ronaiah? I mean, most of us outgrew the whole "pretend to be a woman on Craigslist to get straight men to have phone sex with you" phase in our teens! Okay, in our early twenties. Okay, in our mid twenties. Okay, last week. But still.

What's the matter, guys? You both look like you either smelled a rancid Taco Bell fart or just realized who the fuck you are married to. Yes, you could attibute those looks to some less than stellar moves they just saw on the floor at the Clippers vs. Nuggets game, but I like my version better. If I had to put up with any of that klan for two seconds (except for Khloe, I know, and I hate myself for it), I would have permanent fml bitch face too.

Bruce and Kris Jenner's Shrinky Dink faces and several of the Ks showed up for the game yesterday and Bruce had to give his front row seat up for Kanye West because Kim threatened to smother him with her ass if he didn't. No, you know he gave that shit up willingly to get the hell away from Kris for a minute and I don't blame him.

So here are some pics of them with a little joy and more side-eyeing, glaring and indifference than what we all see at our family get togethers. I wonder who the drunk one was? (Spoiler: it was Kris.)

And no, by "what's really important" I don't mean their dumb kids. Who cares about them! Pimp Mama Kris and Bruce Jenner are pretending to be happily married for the sake of their checking accounts and relevancy. You know, things that REALLY matter.

There's been a rumor going around that claims when Bruce Jenner is awaken in the morning to the sound of Pimp Mama Kris unchaining him from the bed, he wishes that he was completely free of her and could calmly sit without the sound of cackling whores stabbing him in the ears. Bruce Jenner already denied that his marriage was in trouble, but that's probably because PMK told him he had to say that or she'd drug him, stuff his butt with silicone implants, throw a black wig on his head, legally change his name to "Kandee Kardashian" and whore him out on the stroll with her other girls. But a source tells Radar that the state of PMK and Bruce's marriage matches the state of her soul: cold and dead. The source went on to say that they're just faking it to keep their brand alive:

“Kris and Bruce are all but over. They have grown apart and their relationship is all about business these days rather than love or romance. They’ve built a brand together though, and that’s very profitable for both of them, not to mention the amount of valuable assets and business ventures they have together. There’s no way Kris is going to go through with a divorce right now, despite the problems they are having. She’s determined to keep up the façade of a happy marriage at all costs. Showbiz and her career come way before any chance of divorce."

The better question is, what haven't they faked for attention and money? They fake everything. But you'd think that faking a marriage is child's play for Pimp Mama Kris. I mean, her daughter did that. Obviously, faking a marriage is so easy that a dumb dumb can do it. PMK is a world-renowned pimp, so you'd think she'd have bigger ideas. Doesn't PMK know that if she fakes her death and moves far away from civilization never to be heard from again that she'd become even more famous and rich and legendary! (Shhh, nobody tell her that she wouldn't become any of things.)

One good thing that has come out of Kim Kardashian getting flour bombed, besides Kim Kardashian getting flour bombed, is that her sister Khloe Kardashian is respecting the whore oath by sticking with Kim and killing her relationship with PETA. PETA is taking zero responsibility for Kim's gross ass getting showered with flour, but they did back the flour bomber and say they would pay for her defense lawyers if it came to that. Khloe farted out a bunch of letters on her blog today and when you put them together she basically said that she can't with PETA'S "bullying" (buzz word, buzz word) ways. This is the mess that Khloe splattered on her blog:

Hi dolls. I’m sure you all heard what happened to Kim last week (thank you SO much for the love and support you all showed her), and I just received word that the woman responsible has very close ties to PETA, despite PETA publicly stating otherwise. Not only has PETA lied to the public, but they have proved that they support this kind of behavior. I’ve been a vocal supporter of PETA for a long time but I have also been very vocal about anti-bullying, so this was a huge disappointment for me. As you all know, I don’t condone violence and bullying and what happened last Thursday was just that. I am absolutely disgusted by their behavior.

Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and opinions — I personally don’t wear fur but that doesn’t mean I am going to force my views on anyone else, ESPECIALLY by violating them. I am a very proud sister right now, because Kim handled last week’s incident like a champ. She got cleaned up and was back out there in a matter of minutes. Go Kimmie!

We all need to practice what we preach. I will still continue to NOT wear fur, but I will no longer support PETA. Bullying and harassment is NEVER a solution, and I won’t be a part of any organization that thinks otherwise.

Never mind that somebody needs to shower this dumb bitch with the true meaning of "bullying" and never mind that her huge head is shoved so far up her own ass that she has no idea that PETA has done shit like this for years, this is the best news ever. This news is making my retinas clap. Stunt Queen Khloe breaking up with the Stunt Queens at PETA means that there will be no more pictures of her looking like a shaved and electrocuted sasquatch farting on her hand. Sadly, Harry from Harry and the Hendersons will have to look elsewhere for new fapping material, but think of all the copies of Photoshop that have been spared!

OMG, pleeeease let this be true!! According to TMZ, an ex Kardashian nanny is currently shopping around a tell-all book about her years in hell in the Jenner/Kartrashian household. She reportedly dishes on the boys, Brandon Jenner and whats-his-name (that other Dancing with SARS one), and talks about what rude entitled brats they are. She goes on to talk shit about the girls, and I hope she spills details juicier than Kim's XXXXL ass.

Hopefully, she won't cover all the old angles we already know and hate them for, such as the sex tape, underage pole dancing, Pimp Mama Kris's infidelity, Scott's womanizer serial killer face and their general knack for making money off of being no-talent slags. I want some new dirt dammit, like Khloe shaves with sheep shears and Kim cries her mascara off every night (looks like this) because she blew it with Reggie for leaking her dirty ho ass-gulping tape with Ray J.

Some people may knock her for violating common decency and her contract of silence, but I'm on team MAKE THAT MONEY GIRLFRIEND. I mean, WWKKD? Exactly.

Thank you PSL!!

For those of you who still believe that JLo hasn't hacked off her Bronx roots with a diamond-encrusted platinum machete, I hate to burst your bubble with a sharp pin dipped in obvious.

In case you haven't noticed, Fiat has paid JLo millions upon millions of dollars to represent them in a series of commercials and ads. In one of their commercials, JLo drives through the streets of her native Bronx as though she's driving straight into the beating heart of her soul. JLo's gaze hugs the neighborhood around her as she tells us how the Bronx inspires her and is her playground, and shit like that. Well, the neighborhood that is so dear to her was never graced by her presence during the filming of this fake ass commercial. Bitch filmed her part in L.A. I'm sure stage hands holding gigantic checks from Fiat stood off camera, so JLo could stare at them and the camera could capture the authentic look of true love in her eyes.

The Smoking Gun reported yesterday that JLo never stepped foot in the Bronx during the filming of the commercial. A body double drove the Fiat through the Bronx and the face shots of JLo were filmed in L.A. The commercial was edited to make you believe she's actually in the place she's going on and on about. The ad company who produced this mess calls the commercial "My World" and said in a press release that it “explores her personal take on how life in the New York City borough continues to inspire her to be tougher, to stay sharper and to think faster. We watch as she leaves Manhattan and makes her way back to the Bronx, where she grew up and continues to be inspired by.”

Fiat admitted that Jenny never drove through the Block

"Both FIAT commercials featuring Jennifer Lopez were indeed filmed in the Bronx as well as outside locations. In today's world, people are increasingly mobile and their work takes them to a variety of locations. As a result, we took the opportunity to film wherever Ms. Lopez was working at the time to accommodate her schedule."

When hos get rich, I don't think they owe anything to the place they came from. JLo doesn't have to drive into the Bronx in her Gucci Fiat and let the poors rub her ass for luck right before her asshole shoots gold coins at them. JLo doesn't owe the Bronx that. But it's ridiculous how she keeps using and using them to make us believe that she's still a neighborhood girl. Like we're really supposed to believe that this bitch would step her Louboutin-covered foot in the Bronx. JLo can't even drive through Beverly Hills adjacent without a convoy of bodyguards and a crystal bottle full of diamond dust to sniff just in case the air of the middle class blows into her window.

What I'm getting at is that the Bronx needs to sue this fraudulent ho for copyright infringement!

Kim Kardashian is canceling the rest of her Australian press tour ("YAY!" - Australia) and coming back to the US ("BOO!" - The US), because the black hole in her chest is filling up with sadness and she can no longer go on doing whatever it is she does for money. Yes, it must be hard cracking the strings of Botox in your face by projecting a sad when on the inside you're creaming about how much attention your stupid ass is getting. Bitch, sad harder. Kim looked more genuinely sad about almost losing her $75,000 diamond earring than she does about her marriage ending.

Both UsWeekly and TMZ report that Swisse vitamins marquee paid Kim $150,000 to represent them at the Melbourne Cup Carnival this Saturday, but she let them know that she and Khloe aren't going to be there. Some source says that Kim told them, "I need to take care of me now, and I can't work for awhile."

We have finally found Kim's other talent besides scam artistry. Kim is a master at making laughs! She needs to "take care of me now" and can't "work" for awhile? The day that Kim takes care of anybody other than Kim is the day that I actually make a morning piss without hitting the bathroom tiles (I'm re-enlisting in potty training classes, don't worry). The day that Kim does something that actually counts as real work is the day that I don't watch European gay porn while eating white cheddar Cheez-Its (It's like scratch-and-taste porn).

Oh, Kim, pretending to be sad has turned you into a regular fucking laugh machine. And speaking of laughs, click here to see a scene straight out of Khloezilla Takes Australia . A camera falls on her head!

That look of sheer revenge in Khloe's eyes. Why do I have a feeling that later that night, the pap was overheard screaming in his backyard, "A Khloe ate my baby!"

Here's some pictures of Kim and Khloe promoting their dumb purse line at a mall today. If your child cries while meeting a Kardashian and it isn't because they're afraid one of those skanks' fat asses is going to swallow them whole, CPS should take them away from you.

Meet 23-year-old Italian piece Danilo Gallinari, the former forward of the New York Knicks and Kim Kardashian's first choice to play her trophy husband in the multimillion dollar whoretastic shit show that was her soul-sucking manufactured wedding. That's what Wetpaint is alluding to, anyway. According to their source, before Pimp Mama Kris trapped Kris Humphries and threatened to sic Khloe on his family unless he signs his name in piss (the official ink of the Kardashian family) on a marriage contract, E! executives tried to set Kim up with Danilo. Danilo made the best decision of his life by turning those whores down and the rest is pisstory.

The source claims that while shooting the first season of Kourtney & Kim Take New York, Danilo was wanted by Kim Kardashian and E! tried to make it happen. They told Danilo that if he started dating Kim in front of the cameras, his career would blow up like her asshole when it's forming a fart and he'd become an overnight star. Danilo said the words that Kris Humphries wish he was smart enough to say: "Thank you, but no thank you. And please tell Khloe to heel, because she's chewing on my favorite kicks." That's when E! and the Kardashian whores moved on to their next victim.

This is easy to believe for two reasons:

1. You can't spell FAKE without a K (Side note: I think I might've just called myself fake too, which I guess is better than what I called myself earlier after I accidentally squirted hand lotion on my toothbrush.).

2. Kim Kardashian wanted a husband so bad that Pimp Mama Kris was about to sacrifice one of those Jenner girls to her overlord Satan and ask him to give her a Reggie Bush clone for her prized pig to marry.

So I'm more than sure that Pimp Mama Kris put out a casting notice for professional athletes who don't get piss fright when asked to let out a golden shower on command.

Pee S - Tommy Girl did the whole "buy a spouse" thing better. Snap. Snap.