Charlize Theron

Bill Clinton was honored at the GLAAD Media Awards in Los Angeles last night and he was the damn pimp of the ball. He asked Charlize Theron if she'd like to see him in his fedora and nothing else, he asked Jennifer Lawrence if she'd like to grab a few cigars and get out of there, and he gave Betty White an extra special hug. Betty White's rose-colored eyebrows nearly melted off and her "this jacket is vintage JCPenney and I know Big Willie juice doesn't come out" face says everything we need to know. Betty White proved that she's once again the patron saint of giving by showing dusty, old Bill Clinton some love when she really wanted to jump on a piece who can really handle her.

GLAAD, who loves giving out awards since it feels like they have an awards show every damn month, gave Bill Clinton the Advocate for Change Award and also gave trophies to The New Normal (for outstanding comedy series), Perks of Being a Wallflower (for outstanding movie), American Horror Story (for outstanding TV mini-series) and Days of Our Lives (for outstanding daily drama).

And here's Charlize looking perfect, Jennifer Lawrence with just-out-of-the-salon mom hair, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, Betty White, Leonardo DiCatchAHo and Alex PetMyFur.

And that is the face of a woman who now knows that everybody knows that she's doing Seth MacFarlane.

Charlize Theron was supposedly sniffing all over Seth McFartlane's crotch at an Oscars after-party in February and now here they are leaving Matsuhisa in Beverly Hills last night. The humanized Peter Brady bobblehead doll has a smug look on his face that says "oh yeah, you know where my peen is going tonight" and Charlize Theron is making the true definition of a shame face. It's the same face a Craigslist one-night-stand makes when I see one of them out in public. I know that face!

Seth McFartlane always has a smug face on, but now he really has a reason to be a smug bitch. When you're getting naked with Charlize Theron on the regular, you're probably always happily smug no matter what happens to you. If Seth got food poisoning and spent the entire night barfing up shit and shitting up barf, he can stop for a second and let out a smug smile, because he reminded himself that he's fucking Charlize Theron. If Seth opens up a bag of delicious Gummy Bears and finds that they all melted together and formed a disgusting bar of gumminess (that's the worst), he can curse at the air for a second and then stop to let out a smug smile, because he remembered that he's fucking Charlize Theron. If he finds out that his entire family has been kidnapped by pirates, he can.....you know what I'm going to type.

Seth is directing Charlize in a movie, so this could've been a business thing, but her "yes, I'm hitting it and I'm not proud of it" face says everything.

A couple of days after the Oscars, there was a story going around that Charlize Theron stayed pretty much attached to Seth MacFarlane's ass at an Oscars after-party and I figured it's because he had the good shit and she was looking to fill her apple bong. But Bill Zwecker at the Chicago Sun-Times (via Lainey) says that Charlize and Seth got moist in the nipples for each other during rehearsals for the Oscars and the two hung out at all the parties after the Oscars. Apparently, Seth just broke up with the girl from Game of Thrones and now he's into Charlize. Severe randomness ahead....

According to folks close to Theron, the South African native thinks MacFarlane is funny, cute and charming. “Charlize finds Seth to be a great guy who not only makes her laugh but has so much on the ball,” said a longtime Hollywood insider who has worked with Theron for years.

Reportedly, the duo not only hung out all night after the Oscars but are planning to see each other again. “This is early, but I see a new relationship brewing,” added a second source who attended MacFarlane’s own post-awards bash Sunday.

This is just weird. Charlize's taste in dudes has always put a question mark in my head, but Seth MacFarlane?! I mean, I would, but that's because he looks like a mash-up of Peter Brady and Jamie from Small Wonder and I'm nostalgic like that. If Charlize is up on him, he must cum pot butter. Or maybe she likes it when he does his Brian Griffin voice when they're humping on each other. Sucio ass bitch.

Here's some riveting pictures of Charlize at the grocery store with her son yesterday.

Before Catherine Zeta-Jones scared the children by working the Oscar stage like a wigged, horny banshee on the loose during "All That Jazz," she put dozens of hos to shame when she sashayed down the red carpet like RuPaul, Michelle Visage and Santino Rice were sitting at a table in front of her. CZJ looked like Miss Philippines in the final round of Miss Transgender Universe 2013 and I'm pretty sure her dress was made out of the gold parts from a dozen Wonder Woman costumes.

After Michael Douglas and CZJ talked to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet, that Frogger-looking motherfucker with Sears Portrait Studio hair snubbed her ass. Oh that was just Seacrest's jealousy showing, because he's just mad that CZJ can steal all of his men with just the wink of an eye. I don't even care that CZJ's face is completely brand new, she was still the epitome of drag eleganza last night.

And my other favorite looks of the night came from Charlize Theron and Jane Fonda. Unless your name is Shauna Sand, Angelyne or Harald Gloockler, I don't like calling you perfect, but Charlize Theron looked pretty perfect last night. Charlize must have a birth make shaped like Donald Trump's head on her inner thigh and one of her nipples must be way fatter than the other, because something has to be wrong with her ass. Also, I just want to get drunk with Jane Fonda and watch her pick up men in the piano bar of a business hotel.

Well, there goes Kristen Stewart's standing invitation to come over to Charlize Theron's house to smoke the good shit out of a kiwi pipe or whatever else she's got lying in her fruit bowl. Charlize and Kristen bonded (aka hot boxed in their trailers together) while filming Ho White and the Cuntsman, and they got so close (aka Charlize let her finger bone her during a moment of weed-induced weakness) that Charlize said she'd jump off of a building for that trick. Don't mind, Charlize, sometimes  the good shit smoke takes over and singlehandedly produces the foolery that comes out of her mouth. It happens to the best (see: seriously stoned) of us.

But Radar says that not even three hits from a vaporizer straw can smoke out the anger Charlize feels toward Kristen Stewart for letting a married man perform Twatlight: Munching Labia on her in a parked car. Charlize apparently ain't mad at that Rupert Sanders skank for chewing up his marital vows by chewing on Kristen Stewart's crotch, but she is mad at KStew. That's what some source says anyway:

“Charlize is absolutely fuming with Kristen for having an affair with Rupert. She is very tight with Liberty, has often socialized with the family over dinner and cannot believe Kristin has done this. When they were filming Snow White and the Huntsman, Charlize felt like an older sister to Kristin, and they were always sharing advice.

Charlize confided to her new pal about her adoption plans. She even asked Kristin if she wanted to be her baby Jackson’s godmother – that was how close they were. But Charlize had no idea what was going on between Rupert and Kristin and now feels completely betrayed by the whole incident. It’s certainly left Charlize between a rock and a hard place, because she feels great sympathy for Liberty and the kids and yet, she has a sisterly love for Kristin."

Okay, they had me until they got to the "godmother" part. If this is true (it's not), then I need to know what Charlize is lacing her marijuana with, because that shit needs to be banned immediately by every government. What kind of stuff, if smoked, leads you to ask Kristen Stewart to be the godmother of a human child you care about on an emotional level? That is some dark-sided stuff. That stuff will also lead you to ask other inanimate objects (examples: a chewed-up sofa pillow, an empty Glade candle holder, a single anal bead, a bunion on your dog's paw, the pork rind dust at the bottom of a bag of chicharones, a AA battery you keep in your freezer, etc...) to be your baby godmother. Charlize's baby's baptism is going to be a mess. When they ask his godmother to come forward, Kristen Stewart, a chewed-up sofa pillow and pork rind dust will all step up to the altar. That will be Baby Jackson's cue to say "I choose the chewed-up sofa pillow" with his eyes.

A few minutes ago, if you told me that you had a picture of Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender 69ing in W Magazine, I'd prepare for the fapocalypse by sending my dog to the boarders before ordering tubs of lube, replacing my bed sheets with plastic tarps and telling my neighbors that they should either somehow catch a cold that stuffs up their noses or they should go ahead and visit their parents upstate. Well, here's the picture and.......huuuuuuuuuuuuh?!

Why are they fully dressed? Like they're fully FULLY dressed. They're even wearing shoes! Why does Charlize's eyes look like they just made out with Taylor Momsen's raccoon eyes? Why does it look like there's a Kindle hanging from Charlize's crotch and Michael Assbender is catching up on some reading? Why is Charlize pointing her open mouth away from Michael Assbender's crotch? When your mouth is open and Michael Assbender's peen is within beej distance, your natural instinct should be to introduce your tonsils to his peen head. That fake fire in the background must be letting out some toxic fumes that are making both of them hazy in the brains. That's the only explanation.

But the rest of the pictures are much more faptastic (especially this one which I'm turning into ceiling paper) and have convinced me that Charlize and Assbender need to star in 50 Shades of Grey together and that the 50 Shades of Grey movie needs to take place in Freddy Krueger's nightmare lair. That's where they are, right?

And she looks like a judgmental cartoon caterpillar. Correction: A really hot judgmental cartoon caterpillar. But you know, Charlize Theron would still look hot even if she got a face tattoo of The Situation jacking off into a rubber vagina made of leftover CROCs. Okay, no she wouldn't. I took it too far.

Charlize buzzed all her hair off to play Furiosa in that Mad Max: Fury Road (Fun fact: The cops call the street Mel Gibson lives on "Fury Road") movie starring Tom Hardy as Max. Charlize took a Flowbee to her mane of white gold lusciousness, because in the post-Apocalypse there's nowhere to plug your flatiron and the pile of rubble that used to be a Sally's Beauty doesn't have leave-in conditioner under it. So it's best just to chop that shit off.

I'm more curious as to how Charlize cut her hair off than as to what's really hiding underneath that hat (dun dun duuuuun). When people cut all their hair off, I always ask them if they did it in a rage-filled, melodramatic, emotionally raw, Mary-J-Blige-as-your-cutting-hair-soundtrack kind of way. You know, they caught their piece rubbing his genitals all over their best friend's face or their DVR didn't record the last 10 minutes of the Mad Men finale, so they lose their minds. They run into the bathroom, look for scissors, can't find scissors, run into the kitchen, grab a knife, run back into the bathroom and start sawing off pieces of their hair while loudly bawling about how they're cutting their past away and shit. Then as their surrounded by mutilated pieces of their murdered hair, they cry sing the lyrics to Not Gon' Cry. That's some Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale shit and it's the only way to cut all your hair off. Do that shit with feeeeeeeling. I do it with a wig every now and again when I need to feel something.

Here's newly buzz-headed Charlize leaving a medical center in Beverly Hills yesterday with her tiny son Jackson.

RPattz, whose scalp makes a cameo as the enchanted forest in Snow White & The Huntsman, was too busy doing more important things (like deep conditioning his taint hair or whatever) to show up to last night's MTV Movie Awards, so Kristen Stewart had to accept their award for Best Kiss by herself. KStew tried to make a joke out it by begging Charlize Theron, Thor, Taylor Lautner or ANYBODY to get up there and put their lips on hers. Charlize couldn't do it, because she was backstage putting her lips on a bong she made out of one of those popcorn trophies. Taylor Lautner couldn't do it, because he's not one to put his mouth on lady lips for free. So KStew asked herself, WWJAD (What would Jennifer Aniston do?) and the answer was: make out with herself!

You know, what KStew lacks in acting skills, she makes up for in awkwardness. She is beyond awkward. This one time when I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my one-legged stepmother changing her tampon over the toilet in my dad's guest bathroom. Afterward, she sat down next to me at the breakfast table (No, we weren't having tomato omelets, thank God!) and we ate in silence. If I could take the awkwardness I felt in that moment and mold it into a human person, that human person would be a lot like Kristen Stewart. Just awkwardness running through her veins...

Anyway, here's a few pictures from last night. In order: Jennifer Aniston, Jodie Foster (throwing either a "Where's a strap-on when you really need one?" or "This bitch better not ask me to make out with her!" side-eye), Johnny Depp, Ciara, Christina Ricci, Charlize, Wiz Khaliafaawhatever with Amber Rose, KStew, Emma Stone, Jessica Biel, Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Seacrest with Julianne Hough, Brooke Hogan, Ick & Nast, Jean-Claude Van Damme with guest, Emma Watson, two Fraggle Rock refugees, Marky Mark, Andrew Garfield and Russell Brand.

Charlize Theron is one of those gorgeous beauties who tries to convince us that when she was a kid, she was a disgustingly gross creature who cowered under a bench in the playground as brats threw peanut shells at her. (Yes, I'm typing from experience.) Charlize is still trying to convince us of that shit and she said in an interview (via The Sun and Gawker) that she had jaundice as a child and the condition left her with a mouth full of not much until she was about 11. Up until then, Charlize said she was walking around looking like a Cyrus.

“My early childhood was quite devastating. I had no teeth until I was 11.I had these fangs because I had jaundice when I was a kid and I was put on so many antibiotics that my teeth rotted. They had to cut them out. So I never had milk teeth. That was tough, you know, being in school having photos taken while I was pretending I had teeth. It was hideous.”

The mother on that Time cover is taking notes like, "Antibiotics, you say?"

I'm trying to figure out if it's worse to have no teeth as a child or to have some amazingly jacked up jank teeth as a child? My teeth were a disaster zone. One tooth looked drunker the next and they were all going to different parties. One toof was stumbling toward the right, another toof was stumbling toward the left and another toof was falling back. If teeth are the grill of the face, then mine were the front of an Oldsmobile Cutlass after it rammed into a metal fence. I had to brush my teeth vertically because that shit was so jagged. I wore a headgear, braces and a golf glove on my hand to stop from sucking my thumb. To this day, golf gloves are still gross to me. Yeah, that's why every time I step into a gay bar, every dude in there puts a golf glove on his dick.

Here's one Toofless Charlize with Kristen Stewart and Sam Claflin at a photo call for that Snow White movie in Madrid yesterday.

Here's Kristen Stewart teaching the children why we have a middle finger at the London premiere of Snow White and the Huntsman tonight. Something tells me that three seconds before this picture was taken, Charlize Theron told Kristen that even if she stuffed that dress into a bong, she still wouldn't toke it up and that's saying everything. Chris Hemsworth agrees! That doesn't look like a dress on Kristen's body, that looks like ceiling mold found in a hoarders house. Kristen needs to take that middle finger and direct it at the ho who told her that making her chest look like it's slowly being eaten by a black fungus IS the look. Bitch looks like Gozer the Gozerian's slow cousin who sniffed too much paint thinner as a child. I know Kristen Stewart has the personality of a corpse, but that doesn't mean she has to look like a decaying corpse on the outside. And throwing sparkles on it doesn't magically make it the look.

On a positive note, Charlize looks hot as usual. On another positive note, I'm sure at least a couple of children at the premiere now know how to properly flip a trick off and that is a beautiful thing.