A bear trap, a sloth with a drinking problem, a Skee-Ball ball, the animatronic Abraham Lincoln from Disneyland, a pigeon skeleton, a cardboard cutout of the It Clown, Donatella Versace, John Travolta's weekday wig, the creepy girl at the groomers who told me my dog has nice legs, an empty can of Tab, the broken Sleep 'N Snore Ernie in my childhood bedroom closet, Blue Ivy Carter, green ivy (the plant), a skunk's nose hair and a pack of wolves in sheep's clothing are all things I'd let my hold my baby before I'd let White Oprah hold my baby.
Either somebody disagrees with me or they asked all those things to hold their baby and all those things were busy doing other stuff. Because today at The Grove in L.A., Lindsay Lohan's pimp mom held an actual living, breathing human baby being without the supervision of several government agencies. I don't know if White Oprah knows that baby or she just randomly picked that baby up, but I find it really strange that a plainclothes Child Protective Services agent didn't immediately tackle her to the ground while another agent grabbed the baby. Shouldn't CPS be tailing her at all times?
On a positive note, if I was a baby, I'd want White Oprah to hold me too. White Oprah's breath is 100 proof and the shittiest thing about being a baby is that you can't buy your own booze.
For once, the "dumb bitch" tag doesn't only apply to a Lohan in this post.
Some woman filed a police report in West Hollywood over the weekend claiming that she's the latest victim to feel the coke-infused wrath of the freckled terror, because she says Lindsay Lohan went after her at The Standard hotel on Thursday night. The woman says she was talking to one of LiLo's dude friends, and LiLo didn't like it so she started shoving and pushing at her ass. Ho says that she's got bruises on her back to prove she was pushed. When TMZ ran this story yesterday, they asked LiLo's spokeswhore for a comment, and of course he gave them a river of denial that only flows out of White Oprah's ass:
"Lindsay was absolutely not involved in any sort of altercation whatsoever. This is clearly another case of someone looking for money and 15 minutes of fame."
Then LiLo later told TMZ that it was impossible for her to push a trick at a club since she was at home watching episodes of Homeland that night.
There are two sides to every story and LiLo has already snorted both of those sides up, so I don't know who to believe. If security footage came out clearly showing LiLo at The Standard, she'd still say, "It wasn't me! It was Axl Rose! Bitches get us confused a lot!," so you can't trust anything that pours of her mouth. That said, there's a history of hos trying to scam the scammer of all scammers, so this supposed victim could be making it all up hoping to get a check.
If LiLo is lying, then that woman learned the hard way to never mess with one of LiLo's johns unless you're okay with scrubbing out coke residue and fake tan grease from the back of your dress after she pushes you out of the way. If the woman is lying, then I am so mad at her for making me side with a Lohan. (Although, the Lohans do have better party favors on their side.)
Lindsay Lohan celebrated getting an air kiss from Judge Stephanie in court yesterday by doing what she does best: partying her nostrils off. (Don't worry, she keeps a glue stick in her purse so she can easily slap them back on her face.) While looking like a Playboy Playmate of 1976 turned Real Housewife of The Staten Island Expressway, LiLo strut her baboon labia lips into a pre-Oscar party as White Oprah stumbled in behind her.
LiLo is supposed to scoot a skid mark across Elizabeth Taylor's image by playing her in that Lifetime shit, but you wouldn't know it by that hair. That hair color (in shade: meth-stained teeth) tells me that she shouldn't be playing Elizabeth Taylor. Bitch should be playing current day Joyce McKinney! Just throw a cloned puppy at LiLo and yell, "ACTION!"
And I don't know if White Oprah did antifreeze shots in the car or if her face is so used to being drunk that it just naturally looks like that even when she's sober. HA at me thinking she's ever sober.
If that Sheriff is having a face orgasm from staring at Lindsay Lohan's freckled ass dumplings, then we all know that in the state of California exists a Sheriff who spends his off-duty hours watching granny porn while fucking a bag of prunes. The Belle of the California Justice System returned to her home away from the Chateau Marmont with White Oprah this morning for her second to last probation hearing.
As expected, Judge Stephanie sprinkled lines of crushed up gold stars in front of LiLo for doing what she's supposed to do including completing her community service and showing up to her therapy sessions. LiLo just has to finish up 14 hours of morgue duty and 5 therapy sessions before her last hearing on March 29th and then she'll be a FREEEEEE crackie.
Judge Stephanie must be a special kind of vampire who can glamour cokey zombies into doing what she wants, because it's a miracle that after all these years of spitting at the taint of the justice system, LiLo is no longer speeding down the Fuck Up Highway. Since Judge Stephanie has LiLo well trained (for now), can she please order her to stop bleaching her weave until it's the color of stomach bile? Peroxide should take a restraining order out against LiLo, because nobody's hair color should be the exact shade of dick funk. And on a positive note, I do like LiLo's mint dress. It's very "call girl on an early episode of Miami Vice."
White Oprah should be dragging Lindsay Lohan by the wig to a rehab/monastery/Hazmat Center, but instead she's out partying and talking to the media. Naturally. At a party for New Jersey Turnpike Fashion Week (no, she was at NYC Fashion Week, don't ask me why), UsWeekly asked White Oprah about her style. All of us see White Oprah's style as carefree elegance. White Oprah gets up in the afternoon, grabs a few weave pieces that LiLo shed on the floor throughout the night, sticks them on with a dab of her own vomit and then picks out the perfect dress for her to hike up over her waist when the bar's toilet is busy and she needs to squat a pee out in the alley. Carefree elegance! But White Oprah's hos, Lindsay and Ali, see her style as a complete horror show.
"My girls are always telling me to cut my hair. You know, you think you're fashion forward, and then you have children who are way more, but you make your own look [work]. But it's hard when you're girls are like, 'Mom, you're looking scary.'"
Lindsay & Ali to White Oprah: YOU'RE SCARING US!
The world to all the Lohans: YOU'RE SCARING US MORE!
Speaking of scary, Michael Lohan gave TMZ a picture of him applying for a job at a Burger King in Florida. Great, just what we need. I'm happy that Michael is actually getting a real job, but I'm not happy for the tortured people who will soon buy a piece of dead meat that will give them the shits from a piece of shit with dead meat for a soul.
If you told me that this was really White Oprah trying to look like 25-year-old (in Stodden years, obviously) Lindsay Lohan with the help of a backwards discount wig named Crystal from Party City, bronzer (in shade: death diarrhea) mixed with bloody dirt from a crime scene and the make-up artist who did Pam's rotting skin on True Blood, I wouldn't call you a liar. This is LiLo at an amfAR gala in NYC last night, and I wouldn't be surprised if she once she strolled in looking like that, the organizers changed the event to benefit her instead of AIDS research, because DAMN. We can all update the saying "like death warmed over" to "like LiLo warmed over."
LiLo obviously doesn't have any friends, because a true friend wouldn't let her leave the motel room looking like Owen Wilson going to a Halloween party as a zombie Loretta Swit. Somebody needs to cover her with a fumigation tent and drag her to church for a long soak in a bowl of holy water right after they sit her down for a one-on-one intervention with Nancy Reagan. LiLo is a walking Just Say No campaign. I mean, those gaping nostril holes need a lap band around them, because bitch can snort a line from across the room.
When you're 25 and making Woody Allen look young, fresh and hot by comparison, it's time to get Jesus in your life. Shit, Scientology is the devil, but at this point I'd tell LiLo to get some Xenu in her life.
Judge Stephanie gave Lindsay Lohan a full week to turn herself in for a jail sentence that will last as long as the dramatic pause the ATM machine makes in front of Michael Lohan before spitting out an "insufficient funds" note, and that's because she has to once again pull out her medicine ball in a tube sock titties and freckled crab shack for Playboy's photographer. LiLo already put her nipples on display for Playboy in a 4 day-long shoot that wrapped last week, but E! News is reporting that when Hef looked at the pictures, the groan that Linda Blair makes in The Exorcist after she barfs up pea smegma played in his head and he ordered a RE-DO! Then he ordered his day nurse to RE-MASH his prune porridge since his leased blond trick of the moment keeps complaining about bits getting into her chocha when she has to sit on his face while changing his colostomy bag (two birds, one stone, etc....).
A source says that Hef has brought in a new photographer and is changing the entire concept of LiLo's shoot. The shoot is supposed to happen today and LiLo's cooze has gotten the day off, because she's not going to get fully naked this time.
Let's try to do the math without a calculator! Hef's foggy eyes tell him that even industrial-strength Photoshop can't save LiLo's first pictures and now they've excused her vagina from the set? Those two things equals Ryan Murphy offering LiLo's vagina a cameo on American Horror Story as one of the things in the jars down in the basement.
Meanwhile, White Oprah is ejaculating with pride over her daughter's Playboy spread to The Insider and says it will be really fucking classy, "It will be tastefully done. She's been working in front of the camera with Ford Models since she was a little girl so she kinda knows how to work that."
Leave it to White Oprah to reach new levels of GROSS by using the words "since she was a little girl" while talking about her daughter getting ass lips naked in Playboy. The Toddlers & Tiaras moms thank White Oprah for being skeezier than them.
The shocking news of the day is that White Oprah is redirecting the usual actions of her pimp hand from pushing her kids onto the ho stroll to pushing at her ghostwriter to do that extra line of powdered No Doz so they can finish her memoirs before her #1 ho gets thrown into jail. The not-so-shocking news of the day is that White Oprah is trying to sell her memoirs by selling out her daughter in it. When the vodka bottle goes empty, it's every Lohan for themselves!
TMZ got a hold of the prologue from White Oprah's soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize winning autobiography (possible titles: Crackdays with Lindsay, Lindsay Ashes: I'm Dancing On Them, A Million Little Enablers and I Know Why The Coke Bird Snorts) and in it she writes all about Lindsay's sad transformation from child star to premiere mug shot model. White Oprah uses her favorite snortin' finger to point the blame at everybody but herself for ruining her daughter's life. Here's just a few excerpts from the Book According to Delusion:
"I blamed her friends, her career and her handlers for an (sic) newfound lifestyle of partying excessively. Drinking, drugging and behaving irresponsibly became Lindsay's way of daily living--and it tore me up inside."
"How could I deny my daughter the chance of a lifetime? How could I hold Lindsay back from her dream of becoming an actress? So, I listened to others and sent my daughter to Hollywood with a few pieces of luggage and a chaperone."
TMZ says that White Oprah "worked" with a ghostwriter (aka Nana Lohan) on the prologue and her rep started shopping it around to publishers two weeks ago. So far, every publisher she sent the prologue to, rolled it up and sent it back. To which, White Oprah said "THANK YOU!" since she had herself a new jumbo coke straw.
Gossip Cop threw a bucket of ice water on White Oprah as she lay passed out, face first in a barback's bin on the floor of a Long Island sports bar, and asked her about this. White Oprah opened up her whiskey orifice and said that would never write anything negative about her child. The deluded evil twat went on to say, "When and if [I do write a book] it will be all positive.”
Everything that comes out of White Oprah's mouth has as much credibility as what comes out of her asshole, so we should all believe that she's kicking coins out of her daughter when the bitch is down. That chill in your ear you just felt was Papa Joe, Joe Jackson, Billy Ray Cyrus and Pimp Mama Kris all saying "too far too far" at the same time.
Since Lindsay Lohan can't even get a job scaring the bowels out of a bitch with her "Ayes Snort Your Brainz" face at Knott's Scary Farm, White Oprah needs somebody to be the main coke winner of the family since the ball of Vicodin mash in her head gets an allergic reaction every time it thinks of getting a real job to support her family. And the only cure for that allergy is to a shove a Neti Pot full of vodka up the swollen anus on her nose. Who's going to pay for her medicine?! That's where 17-year-old Ali Lohan comes in.
As you've already laughed your lungs out, Ali was signed to NEXT Model Management back in August and was called a future fashion icon by her agent (who obviously said this after staring deep into the crystal meth ball). And now here's the future of fashion ("But I want to live in the past..." - fashion) on something called Fault Magazine with a rayon dutch boy wig on her head and an ear full of White Oprah screaming at her to pose faster, because they need to get to the plastic surgeon's office so he can make her even skinnier by lipoing out the fatter pieces of her soul.
I pains me to say this, especially as a Barbizon alumni, but some of these pictures aren't as awful as I'd think they would be. Yes, in some these shots she looks like a malnourished Gorn in Blade Runner drag. But the freckled wonder sort of pulls it off in other pictures.
This is still a freckled-splattered wrong and White Oprah should be charged under the anti-terrorism act. I mean, this photo shoot is funding the Lohan's famewhoring ways. Case closed!
When an interview starts with White Oprah turning down a free cocktail right after the host calls her "gorgeous" to her not gorgeous face, you just know it's going to be a stumbling pedicab crash straight into a wall of lies. And it was.
While wearing a dress from an Australian designer she can't talk about (because she shoved that dress in her purse at his store when he wasn't looking), the Mother of Every Year rambled through a variety of ridiculous topics from how she's starting a talent management company for children to how she's navigating the waters of negativity one booze cruise at a time.
The talent management company for children is a great idea. That way Child Protective Services doesn't have to waste time setting up stings to catch shit parents. They just have to confiscate White Oprah's client roster.
Basically, what I got from this mess of an interview is that White Oprah is a single mom of 4, a terrible person, an NYU Dance major, a despicable human being, a single mom of 4, an awful mother, an NYU Dance major, a desperate heathen, a singe mom of 4, a piece of uncouth trash and an NYU Dance major. Did I mention that she's a single mom of 4 and an NYU Dance major?
White Oprah only speaks in coke-induced Lohan tongues so what she really means by that is that she's a foul mom of zero and majored in Delusional Ass Nasty Cunt Evilness at New Yuck University. Me too!
What I'm also getting from this interview is that I never want White Oprah to stop speaking. The trash that comes out of her talk hole is like a Slippery Nipple shot for my soul.
From your ears to God's lips, White Oprah. Burp!