White Oprah

Patty Hearst's daughter Lydia is all set to play a spoiled movie actress who fills her nostrils with the bad shit and has been in rehab about as many times as she's drunkenly crashed into parked cars in a film called Dogs in Pocketbooks. The description of Lydia's character is pretty much what the foreword on Lindsay Lohan's psychiatric file reads like, so every bitch with a brain cell figures that shit is based on her. Well, when anybody tries to mess with the pristine Lohan name, White Oprah pulls her head out of the truck stop bathroom toilet and immediately calls her lawyers. Bitch did it with Glee, and now she's doing it with this mess. White Oprah fired this statement off to TMZ:

"The new movie is definitely based on Lindsay's likeness. We have a very strong case. Anyone bringing negativity will be dealt with accordingly."

White Oprah's lawyer Stephanie Ovadia adds that the movie is using LiLo's likeness without paying up.

Many of us say that White Oprah has the mothering skills of a guppy, but this proves that she does have a maternal bone in the dehydrated mound of ground up hyena meat she calls her body. I mean, White Oprah probably read the words "coked up mess of a dumb slut" and immediately spewed out dollar sign-shaped tears before shouting, "That's my baby!" See, a mother always knows her child.

White Oprah is waving her favorite coke-scoopin' finger at Dawn Holland, the chemical dependency technician at Betty Ford who got into it with Lindsay Lohan, for sprinkling lies all over the incident report. Dawn claims that in the middle of her war with the little cokey who can't, LiLo called up White Oprah about taking a breathalyzer test. Dawn's side of the story is that White Oprah told her precious child to just say no to that shit. But White Oprah says she never said that. Yes, White Oprah was most likely tanked and lying half-face first in an ash try outside of Bennigan's during the call, but as far as she knows she didn't say that! White Oprah defended herself to TMZ:

"I stand behind my daughter 100% ... the whole thing with the woman is a little sketchy. With all the fabulous employees they have, it's unfortunate that someone with this kind of background gets through. I stand behind Betty Ford. It is such a fabulous facility. They have been nothing but great. They really helped my daughter and changed my life, too."

The "background" White Oprah is referring to is the accusations by Dawn Holland's ex-husband that she once beat his ass when they were still married. White Oprah does have a point, though (no, she doesn't have a point, though). How can Betty Ford let someone like that get through? Just like how can a delusional enabling shriveled pimp who would sell her child's internal organs for a menthol be allowed to raise a living thing that breathes?

I'm already feeling ill from overdosing on vitamins and that Sambucol crap so that I don't catch the flu that is screwing everyone's life, and seeing this old picture of Sam Lutfi's nasty ass with a bag of juicy deliciousness in his hand is not helping. Oh, In-N-Out, why do you have to be such an easy whore with no standards (Future flash: My mother will say the same thing to me over whole wheat crepes when she comes to visit next week). So...

Yesterday, TMZ told us about how Betty Ford has moved Lindsay Lohan into a super secret private location after she kept getting threatening calls and text messages from an unknown stalker. My guess was that on the other side of the split screen was White Oprah (or Michael Lohan) in a Scream mask. But apparently, I am wrong. TMZ has it on good authority that a diarrhea blast from the past is behind the calls. Sam Lutfi has crawled out from under a pile of Brit Brit's pink wig, empty Frapp cups, tufts of London's hair and Carla to go after Lindsay Lohan!

Sam, who Daddy Spears blames for drugging his little Cheetoling, has been regularly talking to Michael Lohan about who knows what. Sam has also texted LiLo as "Mike from TMZ" and warned her to stay away from White Oprah. Sam denies all of this and claims that LiLo's handlers also handle Brit Brit's business and they are simply out to git him for good. LiLo's lawyer has warned Sam to stop texting LiLo and to stay away from her.

Sam Lutfi is a creepy crazy (exhibit A: he talks to Michael Lohan) who would shave and lude-up a kitten if it put him in good graces with the death eaters, but he has a point about LiLo needing to stay away from White Oprah. When everybody including a life sucker with bloated Paladinoface thinks you should step away from White Oprah, maybe it's time to explore that thought.

Bristol Palin was on Dancing with the Stars and her claim to fame is passing a human baby through her vagina, so White Oprah probably thinks that because she once passed a human baby through her vagina (as far as she knows anyway...the 1980s were a Darvocet blur) she has a shot at joining the cast! The producers of Dancing with the Has-Beens offered Lindsay Lohan the chance to shimmy her labia next season, but she turned it down. However, White Oprah tells Radar that LiLo thinks SHE should be in that mess:

"We are huge fans of the show and think it's incredible. We'll watch it, but it is not going to happen. Lindsay actually told the woman at Dancing With The Stars who made the offer that 'you need to take my mom!'

Lindsay is a great dancer, but she's taking a break right now. She has been through a lot. Our family loves the show because I'm a dancer, and I taught dance when Lindsay was growing up. I dragged her from one dance studio to another, and she sat in front of the mirrors and watched, while I taught."

Oh White Oprah, never change. And never remove the "There's No Place Like Home" sign that Delusion nailed to the inside of your head.

This will never happen, though. First of all, White Oprah is the glow-in-the-dark star that fell off my bedroom ceiling and collected dust on the carpet until a Hoover sucked it up years later, but she isn't a STAR STAR. Although, DWTS has stretched the definition of "star" so much that it's completely unrecognizable to the human eye, so maybe I lose that argument.

But it still wouldn't be fair to the other contestants, because White Oprah has YEARS of dance experience. And yes, shaking your titties for Russian mobsters in the back room of an off-track betting place in the late 1970s counts as dance experience!

White Oprah must need some quick cash to buy the ingredients to make Vicodin nog, Adderall bark and mashed coke for Christmas dinner, because she's once again vomiting out massive amounts of delusions over Glee making fun of her precious innocent child. Delusion's answer to Mama Rose tells Radar that Lindsay Lohan was hurt in the heart when she watched Fishsticks Paltrow's character call her "crazy" on Glee. LiLo thought they were friends! Will somebody please tell LiLo that just because one of her shroom hallucinations involved bathing in a tub full of bubbly GOOP with Fishsticks doesn't mean they are friends in real-life.

Shortly after White Oprah pulled her head out of her own ass and picked the poop noodle off her tongue, she said this to Radar: "Lindsay is so upset with Gwyneth. Lindsay was watching it while in Betty Ford, then she called me and was upset and said, 'Why did she have to do that? We are the first to make fun of ourselves in our family. And Lindsay has even done SNL a few times, but Gwyneth went overboard and it was unnecessary. Lindsay thought she was a friend and it was disappointing. It was really hard for her to watch... it was hurtful not funny."

When is White Oprah going to deep throat a tube of STFU already? This dumb bitch isn't even directing her hate at the right trick. Fishy didn't write those words! White Oprah needs to throw shit at the writers. And when she's done with that, she needs to go after Microsoft Word, the laptop used to type the script, the printer used to print the script out, the Xerox machine used to print copies of the script and the ink which was used to bring those words to life on paper. Sue those bitches for aiding and abetting!

Ugh. White Oprah can't even do delusional right.

When Lindsay Lohan's name did the flamenco off of Fishsticks Paltrow's tongue on last night's episode of Glee, I just knew that at a sports bar on Long Island somewhere LiLo's mother White Oprah just fell off her pleather burgundy stool. And not because her 4th Jägerbomb screwed with her balance like a sock on a cat's waist. It's because she was leaning over to pull out her phone in her purse to call her LAWYAHS! If you were thinking the same thing, we were all right! Glee better watch it, because the train of delusional has pulled into their station.

In the episode, Fishy played a substitute Spanish teacher who used the trial and tribulations of the mess that is Lindsay Lohan in her lesson. Fishy asked questions in Spanish like “Lindsey Lohan is totally crazy, right?” and “How many times has Lindsay Lohan been to rehab?” Questions that pinche puta loca White Oprah doesn't know the answer to in ANY language.

White Oprah thinks it's shameless and tasteless that Glee mocked her poor child's situation. You know what isn't shameless and tasteless? White Oprah going on the Today show to run her gross talk hole about her poor child's situation. No, that shit isn't shameless and tasteless at all. NEVAH.

White Oprah tells Gossip Cop that her lawyers “are sending a letter to Glee on the grounds that the show allegedly defamed" her daughter. LiLo's spokeswhore added, “Lindsay has an issue that millions of people around the world are dealing with yet ‘Glee’ is treating addiction as a laughing matter.” You know what isn't treating addiction as a laughing matter? Going on the VMAs and making fun of your own addictions. No, that shit isn't treating addiction as a laughing matter. NEVAH.

But seriously, Glee better just send everyone home, because White Oprah has this. It worked with E-Trade. When she's done the writers won't even have a pen or paper to write the scripts on, Sue Sylvester won't have a red tracksuit to put on and Fishsticks will have to downgrade from a 50-room English manor to her mother's basement apartment. Or Glee can settle with White Oprah by giving her a role as a woman whose mouth somehow gets stuck to Mr. Schue's left nipple for the rest of the season. Glee should take the deal.

That picture of Michael Lohan peering up into Lindsay Lohan's mouth as they make their way into a movie theater yesterday could go so many ways. Like maybe he asked her if she had a spare 8-ball on her, so she opened up her mouth and told him to check to see if there was any leftover residue for him to scrape off. She could also be screaming directly into his face for not removing that cell phone from his waistband.....for the ten millionth time. Who knows, with those crazy asses it could be anything.

Now that Michael and Lindsay are trying to fill in the giant cracks in their relationship with the thick nectar of rage that drops off of White Oprah's fangs when she sees them together, the therapists at Betty Ford think it's time for a family session. TMZ reports that LiLo's doctors want to speak to the people who helped mold her into a ball of Adderall smegma, fake tanner and various illegal narcotics. They think it's about time they all work out their issues. Michael Lohan tells TMZ that he's into it, but a source says that White Oprah has yet to agree.

Oh, please. If you film it, White Oprah will come. Seriously, just set up some lights, invite a camera crew from The Insider and White Oprah will be there with a fake smile on her face.

Let's say the Lohans all get into a room together, do you think they'll run off if everyone but them vacates the building and a trailer full of rabid wolves pulls up to the entrance? Naw, they won't leave as long as you tell them to stay on their mark. The Lohans are professionals!

Lindsay Lohan has been off the stroll for a while now since she's trying to curb her nostril's hunger for that narcotic at Betty Ford. So like any good pimp whose main ho is down and out and unable to shake an ass for a dollar, White Oprah hit the track herself to keep the Lohan name in everyone's head. On Today this morning, White Oprah and Matt Lauer stared into each other's eyes for the first time since he pretty much cut her head off and smugly laughed as she ran around bumping into the walls of reality.

During today's conversation, White Oprah admitted that her precious child is a certified cokehead and is getting the help she needs. You could practically smell the gloating seeping out of Matt's orifices. Or maybe he smelled like that because he forgot to wipe his side-piece's coochie cream off his nutsack before he went on air.

Oh, but don't worry, White Oprah proved that she still spoons with delusional every night when she said that LiLo is a changed person AFTER FIVE FUCKING WEEKS IN REHAB. If LiLo turned every part of herself inside/out and became a totally different person, she would be able to sniff out White Oprah's life-sucking fangs and she'd finally destroy her with a vat of Michael Lohan's saliva and tanner remover. White Oprah also told Matt that she spent two weeks at Betty Ford talking with families of addicts and learning how not to be a codependent when her daughter gets out of there.

Can you imagine how those sessions went? A MESS! White Oprah is like, "Okay, I have a question? How much are you paying us since this is bringing publicity to your little clinic, and do I ask you for a Valium prescription? I'd settle for a sample."

When Matt asked White Oprah why she lied about her daughter being an addict the last time she was on Today, she kept vomiting up the ridiculousness by saying that she was just protecting her child, "That was for Lindsay to admit. As a mother, it wasn't for me to come and tell the world about her problem. That was for her to do. I wasn't in denial by far..."

No, you were in denial by REALLY FUCKING FAR, bitch! I love how she said, "It wasn't for me to come and tell the world about her problem." Um, correction, Mommie Worsest, it wasn't for you to tell the world about your daughter's problems at all! What the hell kind of GD mother goes on national TV to yap about her kid's addictions? Any normal mother whispers about it to her friends during cocktail hour at Chili's!

And this interview makes much more sense if you replace "mother" with "demon." "As a demon..." See, so much sense!

Lindsay Lohan firing White Oprah as her full-time pimp is about as likely as Jennifer Cuntkov's name showing up on the admission list at heaven's gates, but let's kick at this story anyways.

LiLo's team of therapists and shit at Betty Ford are telling her that she needs take a giant sharpened machete and chop off all business ties to White Oprah. A source (aka Michael Lohan butt breathing into a voice changer) tells Radar that LiLo's counselors think her craving for bad shit dust will never go dormant unless she pulls the orange leach off of her skin. And by "orange leach" I don't mean the gushy ball of old fake tanner that has mutated on her skin. I'm talking about White Oprah's ass lips.

The pressure of having to feed the nostrils of several Lohans is sitting on LiLo's shoulders and messing with her sobriety. The source went on to say, "Lindsay needs Dina to simply be her mother. Lindsay's treatment team at Betty Ford has emphasized this to Lindsay, very, very strongly.... She is strong enough to tell Dina that she doesn't want her to work for her anymore. It's partly because it has been the norm for so long and Lindsay doesn't know what her career would look like without her mom's involvement."

White Oprah will lose all of her "whore milkin' powers" the second she fills out a W-2, so you will never catch her getting a job. So if LiLo cuts her off (which she won't), White Oprah is going to push Ali Lohan out onto the ho stroll until her Styrofoam cup is filled with coins. I've seen Gypsy! I know how the story goes.

There's a good reason for why homegirl on the right is throwing the camera a puckery "THIS BITCH" face while trying not to let the laughs fall out of her mouth. This is a picture of role model, philanthropist and noted cokehead Lindsay Lohan at a homeless shelter in Los Angeles last night. If only the Nobel Peace Prize had a category for shameless publicity stunts. The crackhouse version of Audrey Hepburn has been born.

E! Online says that LiLo's business manager Lou Taylor is a big supporter of The Dream Center in L.A. and he's the one who suggested that she should visit with a few of the children and teens there. LiLo signed a few autographs, took some pictures and gave out purses from her clothing line to the teens. And she even Tweeted about it!

What a great place The Dream Center is here in LA... had a nice time there today, it's so important to give back. I feel blessed.
8 minutes ago via web

All accept the paparazzi hitting one of the ministry guys. They need to be stopped. I think this is a job for The Terminator...
6 minutes ago via web

You know, this is sort of genius. I mean, do those little kids at the shelter even know who this bitch is?! What did she sign? Her covers of Star Magazine and The National Enquirer? Imagine the "see you in a year" looks the employees at the shelter threw at LiLo when she left? And you know that as soon as the door closed, the parents turned to their kids and said, "Now that's what NOT to do." This really is brilliant.

I bet LiLo will also show up to your "Bring a Role Model" day at school in exchange for a fully loaded one hitter.

And I'm jealous of the kid who found half an Adderall in the purse LiLo gave her. Lucky toddler.