White Oprah

(Warning: clear your throat before you read the first part) 15-year-old Ali Lohan isn't enrolled in regular school, because she's a full-time student at UCWB (University of Crack Whore Behavior). UCWB's Dean of Famehowhoring, Professor Blohan, has taken little Ali under her raggedy wing to mentor her in what's really important in life: PARTYING.

Life & Style reports that since White Oprah is mostly passed out in the lap of some trucker she picked up the night before, Blohan has been taking care of her younger sister. The two have been doing regular sister bonding activities like smoking and boozing club until dawn. I'm not being sarcastic, that really is a good way for sisters to bond. Hell, it's a good way for everyone to bond. Seriously, if your dog is giving you the silent treatment and throwing you shade, just take that bitch to the local club. By the end of the night, you'll be the second coming of Turner & Hooch!

One witness who was at L.A.'s Crown bar when Blohan and her apprentice were there said, “Lindsay didn’t coddle her or anything. They partied until after 1 a.m., and she treated Ali as if she were just one of her friends at the club with her." And another nosy bitch added, “Both of them were smoking like chimneys and dancing around.”

When Life & Style asked Michael Lohan about this, he didn't seem to be worried, “I’m glad Lindsay and Ali remain so close." Yes, Ali Lohan yacking up Alize in a urinal while Blohan kicks at her to hurry up really is a touching picture of sisterly love. Again, I'm not being sarcastic.

And before you start wondering how Ali is getting into these clubs, take a good look at her. Would you card a face like that? Exactly.

Here's the greatest older sister in the world (once again, not sarcasm) heading straight for the gutter in NYC last night.

For a brief moment in the Hamptons on Saturday, everyone's electricity went out, the pipes froze and every bottle of fake tan caca dried up, because White Oprah and Michael Lohan reunited as Satan cackled down below! I think that when White Oprah and Jon Gosselin's partner in douchery touched, a new child star was born in the Disney whore factory.

Here's a few more pictures of the fried leech known as White Oprah, The Curious Case of Ali Lohan, Michael and his girlfriend who always looks like she just got a giant shot of Novocaine injected into her gums. If I was forced to kiss on Michael Lohan, I'd be numbing my mouth all the time too.

Living Lohan only lasted one season and White Oprah tells Life & Style that it was her choice to quit that bitch. Yeah, she wants us to believe that she willingly walked away from a working camera. Don't shove chalk up my nose and tell me it's coke!

White Oprah said, "I only did the show to defuse the rumors. And then they wanted us to do these crazy things, like my son cheating on his girlfriend, me faking a pregnancy. I was like, 'No, no, no! They had ideas that weren't conducive to our ideas."

Like we'd believe White Oprah could actually conceive a child. I'm sure Child Protective Services has already confiscated her uterus by law.

The producers probably just asked her to pretend to be a good mother. CRAZY!!!

White Oprah finally pried herself off of the bathroom room floor of some random club to cough up another important statement (smells like coke loogies and Long Island Iced Tea barf) for the media regarding her personal ATM. Specifically, White Oprah wanted to address the accusations that HoHan stole a bunch of joo-ree from an Elle Magazine shoot and also about how daughter's cell phone keeps getting hacked. Lay it out, chop it up, separate and snort yourself some of this:

"Last month her personal cell was posted online and now her phone messages have been hacked. This must stop. She is a 22-year-old girl who needs to live her life in peace. The tabloids need to leave her alone with all the lies and reporting with no proof." White Oprah went on to burp that the story about HoHan stealing shit is "defamatory, false and unfair. Elle made a public statement backing Lindsay." And finally, before she passed out again, she said, "Lindsay has been home with me and her family for awhile now, celebrating her little brother [Cody's] confirmation and his 13th birthday."

Haven't you missed White Oprah's words of delusion?! She's like a suppository for the soul. White Oprah's statements make you regular again. I mean, 22-year-old girl? HA! Leave her alone? Double HA! A good Catholic family? Get me up off the floor! White Oprah slays me every time.

Here's the 22-year-old good Catholic girl going to a church called H.Wood in Los Angeles last night.

Michael Lohan is the always the first skeezer to open up his giant mouth hole whenever a member of his family is in the news for whatever reason. But when it involves him, he sticks his rotten radish head back into his ass.

Page Six says that the devout Christian and high preacher of morals was busted by the cops on April 6th, because he allegedly threatened to kill his fiancee Erin Muller and himself after she tried to quit his ass over his the phone.

Yesterday, Michael, Erin and his lawyer showed up to a court in Long Island so that he could answer to the charges. When a reporter from The NY Post approached them, Michael's lawyer shouted "Plan Two" which caused the dick bag to run off. Michael hid in the car with Erin while his lawyer went inside. Yeah, just a few weeks before, Michael was threatening to off the bitch and there she is hiding his ass in the back of a car. Thinking with your brains: Erin is doing it wrong.

If convicted, Michael could go back to the chokey for a year. Sadly, his parole ended back in February.

Well, at least we know that if we ever want Michael to tuck his dick between his ass checks and run off to hide like a puppy during a thunderstorm, we just have to shout, "PLAN TWO." Now if someone could fully potty train his mouth, so he'd quit dropping caca-covered words everywhere. Now that everyone knows, expect a toilet-full from Michael about this incident in 3...2...

Alleged 15-year-old (wink to Mah Boo) Ali Lohan has been whoring herself all over the place with her big sister and some were asking a very valid question: "Why isn't this old baby face marinating in a classroom?" That's because she's enrolled in The Lohan School of Hard Cocks, I mean, Knocks.

White Oprah told the New York Daily News that it's impossible for Ali to be in school full-time, because she's in HObusiness. White Oprah wiped her nose, cleaned her teefs and said, "She is home schooled. I'm a firm believer in staying in school but, in the business, it's gotten difficult for Ali to be in school."

You know, Ali Lohan would probably be better off being raised by a pack of day-shift hookers (actually, she kind of is, right?), but imagine if you were 15 again and your mom let you be homeschooled. You could sleep until your hangover wore off, watch stories all day, eat junk crap by the gallons, work on your tan and then do like 10-seconds of school work. It would be kind of awesome. Ho stuff 24/7.

However, in a couple of years, Ali is going to be wishing she sat in a math class or two when somebody tells her the dealer gave her 2 grams instead of 5. The more you know (shooting star).

White Oprah had planned to have a good old-fashioned Lohan night out in Hollywood, but the bouncer at the club just wouldn't cooperate! All White Oprah wanted was to get fucked up with her daughters and maybe bond over a line or two in a bathroom stall! Regular family stuff! But the bouncer, who obviously hates family togetherness, denied them entrance.

According to UsWeekly (via The Scoop), White Oprah, Blohan and Ali Lohan tried to get into Villa and failed. White Oprah was told that Ali is too young. White Oprah apparently then pulled out everyone's favorite line that works every time, “Do you know who I am?” And to really stick it to the bouncer's asshole, Blohan added, “You’re making a huge mistake. Huge!”

The bouncer knew who these twats were. If he didn't, he would've held the door open for Ali and given her a senior's discount, because bitch is the perfect definition of BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. While White Oprah and Blohan were flipping their coke noses over this, Ali was probably the only one sighing in relief to herself, because someone actually thought she was young! She will never forget that man again!

And White Oprah needs to try harder. The cokey gods didn't give her those Grand Canyon nostrils for no reason. Stick Ali up in there, tell her to hold her breath and then sashay into the club.

Here's Blohan and Ole' Ali killing us softly with fringe while leaving SamRo's house yesterday afternoon.

Earlier, I posted some shit about HoHan saying she just ate a Big Mac when asked about her greasy chicken bone body. Well, HoHan takes her mom's advice. White Oprah talked to Access Hollywood about the subject of her checking account's weight and said, “I’m a mom. If I see my daughter a little thin, I say, ‘Eat more McDonald’s.’”

Okay, are these twats trying to get a deal with McDonald's or something? Because I'm sure there's a McDonald's in Mastic, NY that will let them clean the bathrooms or some shit. They don't need to beg.

No wonder she's knows as the White Oprah, because bitch really is treasure chest of wisdom. She knows what's best for her children. When I was younger and asked my mom for McDonald's, she'd usually say something like, "I'd rather fry up a used roach motel and serve that to you than get you McDonald's." So White Oprah is better at mothering than my own mother. That's why all of White Oprah's children are the epitome of health. They are so lucky.

White Oprah went on to yap more about it, because once you get the whore on the phone, you just can't get her off! “I don’t know why people care about other people’s weight. I think they should look in their own mirror and stare at themselves. I told Lindsay I think she’s a little thin. But we go through this every couple of months. My daughter is happy and healthy and that’s all that really matters.”

I would tell this raggedy ass skeezer of a mother that she's the one who needs to look in the mirror, but that's impossible for her to do! Every mirror in her house is probably lying on a table and covered in cokey dust.

You might want to hold your throat before you read this first part: here's 15-year-old (hold it tight) Ali OLDhan posing in Times Square yesterday for photographer Jonathan Ressler’s “Extraordinary Women Exhibit” (HOLD IT). Oh shit. Your throat just jumped out and ran the fuck away, didn't it? Go take a net to that shit. Your social life will tank without your throat. We'll wait for you.

Has Jonathan Ressler been hanging out with our girl Allison, because he's definitely been sniffing on some computer duster. And this is not walking on sunshine. I mean, how did Ali fall into the "extraordinary women" category? White Oprah probably fell on Jonathan's dick and that's how she made this happen.

Shouldn't this girl be in school anyway? She shouldn't be outside freezing her illegal plastic tittay sacks in the middle of Times Square looking like one of the Hookers at the Point in dire need of a Swan makeover. Being one of White Oprah's children will eff you up. The Curious Case of Ali Lohan, indeed.

And what would I give to be Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's South American houseboy this morning. That lucky bitch gets to be the first one to hear what Mah Boo has to say about this while he's sipping his freshly squeezed Tang juice.

It wouldn't be a Lohan family holiday without a public bitchfest! After taking a small break from fighting through MySpace and the media, HoHan and her dumb fuck daddy are at it again. Yesterday, HoHan wrote about her half-sister during a MySpace rant. She basically confirmed that Ashley Kaufman is indeed her daddy's kid. Remember that shit? If not, click here to get caught up on that mess. And here's a little of the touching holiday message HoHan wrote yesterday:

i think that people go through a lot in life. and the things that we go through, whatever they may be, simply just make us stronger in the long run... that is, if we actually take what it is we have learned from our mistakes and teach ourselves what NOT to do in the future. i have gone through a lot in my past, and to be completely honest, i am still going through a lot right now.. my father just let my family and i know, amongst others that he had another child after my little sister Aliana, or maybe he had it before Aliana?? either way, he cheated on my mother and that really sucks... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! wow- do i sound like "debbie downer" or what? not trying to be...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
I love my mom, aliana, cody, michael, and my nana sullivan!! i will be missing them this christmas as it is the first one i am spending away from home. i am spending it with Samantha in Los Angeles.
yours truly,

She also wrote some shit about Brit Brit Spears being an amazing talent or something. That must be the fucking fresh "Christmas snow" talking. Or possibly the holly that somehow made its way into her bong. Wait. Can you smoke up holly or mistletoe? I should try that later. It might make this Christmas Day extra Christmas-ey.

Anyway, of course, Michael Lohan couldn't keep his caca mouth shut! He responded in an e-mail to People. He denied everything that HoHan wrote. He also accused SamRo of writing the whole post as HoHan. Yup. Blame the lesbian! Michael Lohan blames the poor little lesbian for fucking everything! He needs to get ass fucked by an angry dyke who majored in strap-on pounding. I know a few that would volunteer for the damn.

You know, the Lohans could solve this shit with just one half-episode of Maury. Seriously, if they weren't famous, they would already be on that show for some reason or another.

And I doubt White Oprah is going to release one of her epic statements. She's probably passed out with her face in the Christmas tree stand. Hopefully, Nana kicked her head to the side so she doesn't drown in the Christmas tree water. We won't hear from White Oprah until at least February. The bitch will be in a drunk coma until then. It's the holidays!

Here's HoHan with that evil lesbian buying presents yesterday.