Over four years ago, we all learned about Shauna Sand's ethereal powers when she floated on the sand in Miami on a two bars of exquisite lucite. Religious historians noted that day as the day that a saint actually topped Jesus' walk on water act by walking on sand in heels. It was such an important moment that I'm pretty sure they added it to the Holy Bible. Chapter 1, verse 1, I think. Well, who ever adds stuff to the Holy Bible is going to need more paper, because they'll have to add a new chapter now that the Empress of Lucite has done it again.
Yesterday, Miami got a long-awaited encore performance of Shauna Sand's magic show when she glided along the sand in heels made of raw marble (or faux cork from China, same thing). Shauna greeted her young disciples, cleansed the air by flipping her weave made of the finest hay and healed dehydrated animals with her beauty.
A true goddess. Miami should declare that sand an important landmark now that Shauna Sand has touched it.
The most gorgeous earth goddess in the world Shauna Sand already leaves a strand of liquid elegance on every peen her mouth touches and now she's going to leave a scattering of cubic zirconia dust on every peen her mouth touches.
Because Shauna Sand is America's most priceless jewel, a team of Brink's security guards and Secret Service Agents follow her around at all times, but she'll have to up her security now that she has gemstones almost as precious as her embedded into her citrine-colored teeth.
TMZ somehow got a hold of these extremely exclusive and private pictures of a Manhattan dentist showing off the Barbie earrings he implanted into the Empress of Lucite's teeth. Elegance IS looking like a giant diamond just came all over your teeth. Those diamond studs will go perfectly with the exquisite pearl necklace she usually wears around her neck. Before going into her mouth, those diamond studs were worth $60 each, but an appraiser says that now that they're a part of Shauna Sand, they're worth more money than exists in this world. Disneyland should replace the giant mountain of gold coins in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride with these pictures, because nothing is more luxurious than this.
Here's everything Courtney Stodden wishes she was and more sashaying into the free clinic in Beverly Hills the other day. Wearing that sweater with a naked picture of herself on it solidifies Shauna Sand as a fashion icon for the ages.
If you spent time with the post below, then you probably have the taste of fame whore leche in your mouth, so rinse away that nastiness by breathing in the natural beauty of the earth goddess that is Shauna Sand. I mean, Shauna Sand is an elegant piece of parsley with fake chichis and exquisite taste in heels. If you've been looking for the perfect church ensemble that says, "I'm as pure as a drop of saliva off of a baby unicorn's tongue," then take a page from the Empress of Lucite and steal a doily out of a pre-school craft closet and turn it into a dress. As soon as you sashay through the church doors tomorrow, the entire congregation will turn away from the altar and worship at your feet instead.
Here's the most gorgeous creature in every universe with her piece Laurent Homoburger (typo and it stays) gracing Miami with their beauty the other day. You can't tell from these pictures, but every time Shauna Sand's heels touched the ground, a member of the preservation society declared that patch of concrete a historical site. And I used to think that sleeveless Ed Hardy t-shirts were the epitome of tacky, but that appreciator of beauty in the background is making me think otherwise. He obviously knows sophistication and is an authority on elegance if he's taking a picture of Shauna Sand. I will never doubt his taste.
Most of us mere mortals eat the ground with our hands when we try to walk in a pair of exquisitely crafted lucite platform stilts, but Shauna Sand isn't a mere mortal and she has proven this time and time again by floating on sand, making a Segway her chariot and taming a wild bike in Miami. The Empress of Lucite did it again yesterday in Venice, CA when she gave us something out of Goddesses Got Talent by riding another bike in a pair of colored lucite heels that will be put into a time capsule on the eve of the apocalypse so future civilizations will see that our people had impeccable fashion sense.
Shauna and her topless piece rode through the streets of Venice while her subjects wished that they were born as a seat on a rented bike. Actually, I'm not even sure if Shauna is sitting on a seat. She probably ripped the seat off and sat directly on the metal post since that's how real fine ladies do it.
You know for some reason, I have seen so many unicorn on a unicycle tattoos. Either I attract tricks with unicorn on a unicycle tattoos or it's the other way around, but I've been seen like three. And I'll be seriously disappointed with those three tricks if they aren't getting their unicorn on a unicycle tattoos lasered off right now so they can replace that shit with a Shauna Sand on a bike tattoo. Because a Shauna Sand on a bike tattoo is way more magical.
Not since the Empress of Lucite's sex tape have I felt the soft sensation of angels blowing lucite dust into my eyes.....
Shauna Sand, the most beautiful woman in every universe and beyond, climbed to the upper echelon of demureness in St. Barts a few days ago by making sweet, passionate, natural, Skinemax-like love with her piece in front of the paps. That amateur trick Courtney Stodden better not get any ideas and she better slide under the rock from which she came from while our modern day Aphrodite takes the staged photo-op to the next level. Egotastic has the whole set and you might want to hold onto something steady and grab your smelling salts before you step in. There aren't any exquisite lucite heels, but there is a pair of b-hole hugging jorts. Click your way to romance.
Dear Deborah Kerr and Burt Lancaster, this is what your scene in From Here to Eternity should've looked like.
(Picture via FameFlynet)
Speaking of shit that should be banned from the world, that burning sensation taking over your eyeballs that feels like the tips of your lashes are growing genital warts and your retinas are wrinkling into the fetal position could only mean one thing: it's a Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison post!
If this precious picture of the 17-year-old reptile bride and her creepy serial killer-looking husband posing with the Lohan family (who are looking less orange and bloated than usual) makes you want to cover the eyes of innocent chirruns everywhere, then you're not alone. Before this picture was taken, The Tales of the Crypt's answer to Heidi and Spencer were kicked out of a pumpkin patch in the Santa Clarita Valley for acting like two nasty, inappropriate, pumpkin-fucking whores of destruction. Yup, that's them!
Radar says that mothers who wanted to spend their afternoon picking out a pumpkin with their families instead had to soothe the faces of their crying children and close the mouths of their husbands after Courtney sashayed by in a pair of coochie-killing coochie cutters and white dick-picking-up boots (and it's after Labor Day)! After the pumpkin patch received complaint after complaint, Courtney and Dog (typo and it stays) were shown the exit. Courtney, being the good Christian girl she is, responded to this injustice by quoting the bible on Twitter:
Have a beautifully blessed Sunday! :) "Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24
21 hours ago via web
If there was Internet access in heaven and Jesus could rewrite John 7:24 he'd change it to: "Do not judge by appearances, but do judge a nightmare creature for spreading several layers of snatch slime on a bunch of pumpkins in the Santa Clarity Valley."
But in all seriousness, Courtney getting kicked out of the pumpkin patch was an act of pure jealousy. How can anyone be prejudiced toward a naturally beautiful sunflower whose eyes were kissed by heaven's clouds (aka Bonne Bell frosted eyeshadow), whose lips are covered in sparkling unicorn semen (aka Vaseline mixed with Bonne Bell frosted eyeshadow) and whose clothes were made for her by the finest French couture house (aka one of those stripper stores on Hollywood Blvd.). Those hating families wish having a sense of dignity didn't stop them from being this classy and demure.
For more pictures of the walking Blumpkin that is Courtney and Doug, go to The Superficial and view at your own risk. Below are pictures of Courtney's obvious idol, The Empress of Lucite, turning pumpkins into lucite chariots at a pumpkin patch over the weekend. Note to Courtney: If you don't want to be kicked out of the pumpkin patch, trade your hooker boots, denim panties and creepy husband for exquisite heels, the finest dress that a handjob can buy and an ambiguously gay boy toy imported from Eastern Europe.
Morning-shift strippers will have to reach for the heights of elegance without the help of lucite this morning, because every pair of exquisite plastic heels are filling with fogs of sorrow over their Empress getting wrongfully arrested for allegedly committing an act of domestic abuse upon her boy toy Lorenzo Homburger (that last name is a second "O" away from being John Travolta's favorite food item)!
TMZ reports that the most beautiful being who was created when an angel's pre-cum drop fell onto a crystal flower, Shauna Sand, and Lorenzo Homburger were both put into handcuffs early this morning in Los Angeles after the cops got a call about a loud fight. When the cops arrived, they noticed fight marks on Lorenzo's body and immediately took both of them into custody. Shauna Sand was released from local imprisonment after her father Zeus sent Pegasus down with an ivory pot of gold coins. Lorenzo is still in custody.
In the words of Lindsay Lohan after a coke dingle falls out of her nose during a drug test: IT'S A SET-UP! Obama needs to drop everything and use all of resources to investigate this international emergency! Shauna Sand only has graceful bones in her body, so she couldn't possibly have a violent one. Could a gardenia's freshly bloomed petal cause damage to human skin? Absolutely not! This is the same thing (Shauna's lawyers can use that in court). Besides, the Empress of Lucite takes domestic violent very seriously. She said so herself! Need I remind you?
You can ALWAYS trust a crystallized deity who speaks out against domestic violence while wearing white lingerie in a milkshake shop.
UPDATE: TMZ says that Homoburger is actually Shauna's husband. She threatened him with a divorce, they got into a fight, she locked herself in her bedroom, he broke in and she sprayed him with mace. That's how most fairy tales end.
(Image via Heyman Hustle)
Lorenzo Lamas kept holy matrimony spinning in its grave over the weekend when he made 24-year-old Shawna Craig his 5th wife and future ex-wife in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Like every thing that penetrates through the lucite bubble that covers Shauna Sand, the name "Lamas" does not want to leave her and will stay on as her legal last name. The constitution (and the laws of the gods) CLEARLY state that there can only be one Shauna Lamas existing in the 50, so this Shawna Craig trick has to keep her last name! BUT WAIT! A different idea has slithered into one of the pockmark's on Lorenzo's face and crawled up into his brain. Lorenzo will take Shawna's last name instead. Presenting Lorenzo Lamas-Craig!
Lorenzo's manager tells E! News that he's proud to become the first celebrity (?) to do such a thing! Such a fucking pioneer, that Lorenzo.
"He's going to legally change his name to Lorenzo Lamas-Craig. He's always thinking outside the box so he decided to become the first celebrity to take his wife's last name. His new wife didn't want to be called Shawna Lamas for obvious reasons."
Lorenzo Lamas is as crazy as his face is beat if he really thinks I'm going to call him Lorenzo Lamas-Craig. Typing and saying those extra syllables are just a waste of time. Time I can spend finding the 12-year-old slut from the 1980s that Shawna Craig snatched that half-sweater from. Besides, this marriage is going to last about as long as the will of a mortal man when he stares into the angelic eyes of the Empress of Lucite, so he'll be Lorenzo Lamas again in a quick minute.
Here's Lorenzo Lamas and his toddler bride Shawna Craig being greeted at LAX by a young child actor they totally hired from central casting. This really does count as an act of child abuse.
The bad news is that you've lost an hour you could've spent working on your invention for the world's first time-release booze capsule. But the good news is that there's more sunshine time in the afternoon, which means the people of Miami get to stare at this melting Popsicle of wax even longer!
It's The Real Housewives of NYC's own Kelly Bensimon (To every bitch who bet this was Bill Hader as Steven Tyler: hand over your coins) sunning her gently worn leather carcass in Miami! Even though Kelly's torso sort of looks like Voldemort with a clay mask on, her body is still making me scream, OH BOY!, OBERTO! So I can not and will not hate.
And in case you need something to wash your retinas with, I've also left you some pictures of the meaning of elegance, Shauna Sand, with her 90s Eurogay hustler boyfriend in Beverly Hills last night.
The goddess who was created when Zeus threw a bolt of lucite at a mermaid rolling around the sand once again reigned over Miami beach today and blessed the beach with the sparks shooting off her exquisite lucite heels. Shauna Sand had a new Euro twink at her side one pap said it's her ex-boy-in-waiting Greg Knudson (but that thin stick of lean beef is definitely - NSFW alert - not this) and a different pap said it's her new fiance Laurent. Even though I'm a member of the Church of Lucite, I can never keep track of who is feeding frozen grapes to Shauna's nipples and spit shining the bottoms of her lucite heels.
The only thing I do know is that she always manages to find a piece that looks like a former member of a failed Euro boy band who now trolls upscale Palm Springs bath houses for old rich men to keep his fancy mullet fresh and his collection of designer sunglasses from outlet malls up to date. That young twink stallion looks like he's got Bel Ami tattooed in his ass crack and always keeps a traveler size bottle of passion fruit scented lube in his pocket. And I love that his beach pants say "lifeguard" when the only thing he'll dive into the ocean to save is a tub of body wax and a jar of pomade. The Empress always picks well.