Twit And Twat

Ever since Celebrity Big Brother, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been bright shiny A-list stars in the UK (not at all), so of course Channel 5 aired a special about them on Monday night. During the special, Twit and Twat took the cameras into the garage of his parents' beach house in Santa Barbara, CA (where their asses are living for free since they're broker than a Lohan) to show off their collection of guns including an FBI sniper rifle and a rapid engagement precision rifle. Of course, none of those names really mean anything to Heidi since she had her brain lipo'ed out to make her head skinnier. The only thing Heidi knows is that she can use that gun to shoot people! Translation: we're all fucking doomed.

As HuffPo (via IDLYITW) says, Spencer shows the people of Britain that in America we can own guns and he owns a lot to protect himself from stalkers and "crazed fans." WHAT FANS?! These bitches. If Twit and Twat have any fans, then I'm sure those fans have already been declared certifiably insane by the state and are locked up in the padded basement at Briarcliff. I'm sure they're safe.

Twit and Twat share a brain with Brittany from Glee (no offense to Brittany from Glee), because they thought the Mayan Apocalypse was going to happen so they spent all of their money last year. So that should tell you how good they are at making smart decisions.

And does anybody know if TJ Maxx sells bulletproof helmets and bulletproof onesies, because I'm going to need to wear that shit all the time now that I know that these two dick queefs own a bunch of guns.

I know you can't resist the urge, so I'll wait here as you throw a sugar cub at the screen.

One time when I went horseback riding in Ensenada, Mexico, one of the tourists riding next to me said something super cheesy like, "A horse is an angel without wings." I never agreed with saying until I saw these pictures of the ethereal Heidi Montag making a comeback to the spotlight the way all A-list superstars make a comeback to the spotlight: by hosting an anniversary party for a Las Vegas strip club.

Ever since Heidi Montag's Emmy-winning reality show Famous Food ended last year, I'm sure you've been wondering what she and her mutant tampon of a husband have been up to (no, you haven't). Well, most of us figured that she's been keeping busy by working the 7am to 11am shift on Mondays and Wednesdays at the Spearmint Rhino strip club in City of Industry, CA, but nope. The real-life Tawny Horse tells UsWeekly that she's been keeping busy by working out, helping Spencer Pratt get his poly-sci degree from USC (????) and working on her memoirs. The part of Heidi's brain that knew how to read and write was lipo'ed out by her plastic surgeon (RIP!), because fat brains are gross (ewww!), so she's writing her memoirs in stick figure form only. It could take a while.

Since Heidi and Spencer wasted all the millions they made on dumb as shit decisions, they're currently living in his parent's house. On Friday nights, Heidi is usually cleaning the toilets and windows in the Pratt house in exchange for room and board, but they gave her the night off so she could make a long-awaited appearance at the Las Vegas strip club named after her, Crazy Horse III.

Thank the plastic Gods for that, because look at all the equine elegance she served up.

Listening to your own mom go into detail about her yeast infection situation is slightly less uncomfortable than exposing your sense of hearing to the overly forced soft-core Spice Channel ludicrousness that slithers off of 17-year-old Courtney Stodden's lizard tongue when talking about how she lost her virginity on her wedding night at the #1 honeymoon destination in the country: Chateau Marmont in fucking Hollywood.

The plastic velociraptor who was brought to life using Rhonda Shear's DNA tells Radar that as soon as her 51-year-old husband Doug Hutchison plucked her precious blossom (may the FBI break down my front door and put me out of my misery for that one), her body went on a 24-hour-long orgasm coaster. It's a damn shame that The Red Shoe Diaries isn't around anymore, because this ho would've been their head writer.

“We went to the Chateau in Hollywood it was so beautiful it was a wonderful experience. I was aroused for 24 hours straight."

Courtney was a 16-year-old virgin in the vagina at the time and Doug has a face like a 3-day old bacon cheddar ball warmed up in an Easy Bake Oven, so she's probably confusing "nauseous" with "aroused." Speaking of the heaves, Courtney said that if she ever went to college she'd study her husband's body:

"I would go to college and study all of Doug. All of his body, and all the elements within that. What they do and what they still do. It would be a lot of fun."

I don't even really know what that means and I don't think this bitch does either. Courtney then said that Doug is like Hazel to her Missy.

“He’s cooking for me, cleaning for me, he’s like the wife around the house. He picks up the slack around the house and that’s very inspiring to me."

"That's very inspiring"?! It's like everything that comes out of Courtney's mouth was Mandarin translated into English translated into Cantonese translated back into English on Google Translator. Courtney's entire vocabulary consists of all the words found in Viagra spam.

And just because Doug's face looks like a rode hard vagina molded out of Play-Doh doesn't mean he's been near an actual vagina.

If you need to see the video of this mess of an interview, click here and proceed with caution. That shit should be shown in every child beauty pageant dressing room with a note underneath it that reads: WARNING - This is your future.

And no, I can't look away either.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's joke of a career (or whatever you want to call it) showed up in the obituaries a long time ago, but that isn't stopping those corroded and faded fame balls from trying to resurrect the dead by bringing back their glory days! And at her 25th birthday party in Las Vegas last night, the former prized steed of MTV partied as if she just rolled out of White Oprah's twat.

Horsey Montag would've done a Blohan by throwing her drink at a photographer but: a) Heidi only gets 2 bottles of Andre from the club and she's not about to waste the sweet nectar when she can barely afford to buy a shot of Thunderbird from a drunk homeless man. b) Most horses get the spooks around camera flashes, but that shit is like a feedbag full of sugar cubes for Heidi's soul so she's not going to piss off the three photographers who only showed up for the free 3 bottles of Andre the club promised to give them (yes, they get more free bottles of Andre than Heidi does).

The Daily Mail says (no, they didn't) that Twit and Twat set the club on fire with their fiery hot glamour and the sprinklers came on. But that's probably just because the Nevada Health Department wanted to really make sure they bathed before they got close to the public.

And it looks like Heidi's silicone hemorrhoid face finally settled so much that now it looks like an inflatable trans pony (a tranapony!) that was overinflated with cold farts and just sprung a leak. Just bloated, melted and ready to party!

What you're looking at is a beach ball freaking the hell out from thinking, that like its fellow plastic balls, it will soon be stuffed into the body of an inflated horse. You're also looking at Heidi Montag who is paying for her next elbow lipo surgery by hosting a pool party at Wet Republic in Las Vegas on Saturday. How Heidi found the time to fill the pool goers nostrils with the scent of burnt Tupperware fumes and bleached desperation is beyond me, because bitch is in the gym 14 hours a day. No, bitch didn't get a job as a Pilates rubber band. Heidi tells UsWeekly that she actually spends those 14 hours working out.

"I've been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I've been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape. And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I've ever been because I've kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.

I've been running a lot, and I've been doing weights. When you work out, you boost your metabolism, so you have to [make sure you eat enough].

My breasts, because they're so big, really needed some time. So I'm just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that's normal."

The last time I was in the gym, I got on the bike for 3 minutes before I had to stop to focus on the episode of AbFab I was watching on my iPhone, so I'm no authority on working out. But this par baked twat needs to stop using numbers and leave "sense of time" to the professionals. And by "professionals" I mean hos who didn't get their brain scooped out to make their heads skinnier. Then again, maybe she's telling the truth. Heidi is made of the same materials as a dildo and when you work out a dildo for 14 hours, it doesn't end up with muscles. It only ends up with ass scab bits and lubed smegma. So I've heard.

Despite shooting a tiny cameo in Jennifer Aniston's movie Just Go With It, Heidi Montag says that she was put on the blacklist for the NYC premiere earlier this week. Heidi tells UsWeekly that Jennifer Aniston banned her. Oh, Jennifer, if this is your way of getting us to really, really, REALLY, really like you, it's working! Keep it up and let the Kardashians shoot a cameo in your next movie. But back to Talking Heidi. Heidi thinks that Jennifer didn't want her stealing all spotlights.

"I'm so upset. I was so excited! This is the first movie I've ever been in and I can't walk the red carpet because Jennifer Aniston decided I was 'too polarizing.'

I've been such a huge Jennifer Aniston fan my entire life and it's just really upsetting that she would do this to me. She should know how hard it is to make a career for yourself and to have someone like Jennifer Aniston go out of her way to make things hard for me is really disheartening."

Heidi does realize that "polarizing" doesn't mean "fucking annoying as fuck fuck", right? But really, Jennifer Aniston denies she got Heidi banned and I believe her. Jennifer's Baby Alive is made of less plastic than Heidi and she loves it so. Heidi is just like a Baby Alive except sluttier looking and with bigger boobs. Jennifer would never deny a Baby Alive. My guess is that Heidi is just talking bullshit as usual and the real story is that she couldn't get a flight to NYC. Every time Heidi tried to get past the TSA, they'd stop her, poke at her a few times, pick her up, shake her and then throw her in a bin. When Spencer Pratt yelled at them, they pointed at the "NO EMPTY PLASTIC BOTTLES" sign. Rules are rules, Heidi!

Seen here flashing a scar she got on her head from trying to make a really deep thought that one time, Heidi Montag is still crying Botox tears of sadness to Life & Style about how having 20 plastic surgeries a year ago has left her body bruised and scarred like a Spider-Man cast member. Yeah, fuck those needy orphans who will be sad on Christmas morning because their stockings will be empty. Pour all your sympathy into Heidi's cup instead. And FYI: When trying to push out a tear for Heidi, the tension might cause you to push out a slightly wet fart instead. That'll work too.

Heidi cries to Life & Style that trying to turn herself into a Chrissy Crocker Real Doll has left her factory defected in every single way including: "a 2-inch-long raised blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a horrifying jagged line behind her ears from having her ears pinned back, lumpy legs and four spots left on her lower back and below the buttocks from botched liposuction, a bright-red mark inside her right nostril, uneven boobs, a stretched mark on her chest and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job."

Heidi, whose very own Dr. Frankenstein died in a car crash, went on to say that every time she looks at her scars she's reminded of the mistake she made. And then she low-blowed her dead plastic surgeon with this: "People have fewer scars from car accidents than I have on my body."

And then she also low-blowed Edward Scissorhands when she said this: "I would love to not be 'plastic girl' or whatever they call me. Surgery ruined my career and my personal life and just brought a lot of negativity into my world. I wish I could jump into a time machine and take it all back. Instead, I'm always going to feel like Edward Scissorhands."

And yet she still has to have another surgery to get the talking pus-filled hemorrhoid known as Spencer Pratt removed from her ass. But I do love how it was only a year ago when she was queefing happiness over her new plastic body.....while collecting a check. And now she's repeatedly crying about how much she hates her new body.....while collecting a check. I wonder what Heidi's next trick will be? It's a shame that the plastic surgeon removed most of her internal organs and lady parts to give her a thinner waist, because how is she going to kick the Teen Moms off all the tabloid covers by declaring that she's knocked up?

And I'm not talking about the tit that is Spencer Pratt!!! (The gong is the shop, so you'll have to use a trash can lid instead.) Heidi Montag's nipples are crying a river of silicone tears to Life & Style, because she says that when she sleeps against a wall at night, she dreams of a life without two giant rollerballs stuffed into her chest.

Heidi is down in Costa Rica to replace her size G (is for goddamnyoureadumbfuck) implants with DDs. Heidi's assistant took a hot blow dryer to her face to loosen it up a bit so she could open up her mouth and say, "I'm desperate to go back to normal. I'm downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D. I have major anxiety about it. I was taking painkillers but they weren't working so I stopped. It hurt either way. I'm obsessed with fitness but it's impossible to work out with these boobs. It's heartbreaking. I can't live an everyday life. I feel trapped in my own body."

Heidi's brain turned to dust as soon as she licked on Spencer Pratt's hairy ass crack, so you can't say that she should've thought about this before she Real Doll-ized herself. But seriously, you would think it would be relatively easy for Heidi to downgrade her chest area. She should just get Spencer to release a little air from the push-pull valve on her ass. That should do the trick right.

Somewhere in the world, the reigning fake titty queen Sheyla Hershey just said this to Heidi's cover: "Light (*oxygen mask over face, oxygen mask off face*) weight (*passes out*)"

You know that tape of a factory defected Real Doll humping on a pile of hairy caca? Well, Spencer Pratt has pulled the pricing gun out of his culo and stamped that tape with a bright orange sticker that reads: $5 MILLION. This is what Spencer told TMZ anyways.

Steve Hirsch of Vivid, who is negotiating with Spencer for the tape, doesn't seem to think this amount is totally and utterly fucked up. Right now in a control room up in heaven God has just opened up the clear box covering up thee red button. His finger is hovering above it as Bea Arthur, his second in command, shouts, "Just push beadammit!"

Spencer also tells TMZ that he has enough footage to fill an entire website, "I will knock Club Jenna out of the water. When I realized how much Kim [Kardashian] was making, my logic is this is the best thing I can do for my ex-wife. Kim is on the cover of Allure right now. Heidi isn’t on the cover of Allure."

To reiterate, Vivid might pay $5 million for a Twit and Twat sex tape! A sex tape! $5 million for a snuff film I can sort of see, but not a regular sex tape!

But in all seriousness, this couldn't be more of a scam even if Spencer said the tape also starred an exiled Nigerian prince, a free Rolex watch, a sexy Russian bride and a box of 93% 0ff Pfizer.

On their "101 Ways to be a Famewhore" list, Twit and Twat have already crossed out "get fake married, "get fake everything installed into body, "get fake divorced," and now they are slowly taking a Sharpie to "release fuck tape." Even the broke down psychic cat in Santa Monica could've predicted this mess.

TMZ brings us the inevitable news that Spencer Pratt is trying to sell a sex tape starring him and Heidi Montag to the highest bidder. Spencer has already offered it up to Vivid Entertainment. Vivid's Steve Hirsch had this to say, "I just got off the phone with Spencer Pratt about a sex tape with Heidi Montag. We are in early negotiations to possibly come to terms for a deal."

Watching a half-melted Dollar Tree plastic doll lying on top of a patch of mangy butt hair from a blonde mutt is probably more exciting than Heidi and Spencer's fuck tape, but I'd still press play on that shit. There's been so many times that I've stared at the mound of fleshy hair growing on the giant penis head on top of Spencer's neck and wondered if the theme continues down below to his crotch area. FLESH PUBES!

And seriously, Heidi's probably not even in the tape. It's just Spencer and his anal crystals.