Twit And Twat
Heidi Montag divorced her original face earlier this year, and now People is reporting that she is also legally removing the misshapen dildo up her ass. Twit filed for divorce from her butt plug of 1 year and her lawyer issued this statement afterwards:
"Heidi has amended her petition for separation and today has filed a petition for dissolution of marriage from Spencer Pratt. The couple has agreed they would like their divorce to be finalized in a timely manner in an out of court settlement. Both parties are amicable with each other and over the possibility of finalizing their divorce."
I could spend a million keystrokes on saying that these two dick holes got fake married so that they could get fake divorced so that they could fake their reunion for a fake new reality show, but I'll save myself some time by simply saying what you're all thinking: WHO GIVES A FUCK.
Pulpo Paul better watch it, because I'm officially physic.
Spencer Pratt was banned from last night's finale party for The Hills, so he took a few clumps of tissue scooped out of Heidi's back, slapped it on his face and then tried to crash that shit. Even though Spencer looked like something Nick Nolte coughed up after tossing Radio Man's salad, the producers saw through his disguise and put his ass on the curb. According to the paps, Spencer later tried to crash the Inception premiere.
Joaquin Phoenix just crawled into Andy Kaufman's coffin and they rolled over together.
Heidi Montag might still have one functioning brain cell left in her head that hasn't been completely shaven down by her plastic surgeon because it was too fat (but probably not). Or this is just Spencer Pratt's attempt at trying to kick Gary Coleman off the cover of People Magazine next week. Whatever the case may be, TMZ says that Heidi has galloped away from Spencer Pratt and is looking for a new place to live. That means Spencer can stick his crystals up his ass in peace now.
Heidi's rep tells TMZ: "Heidi is looking to move out due to all the fake bad press that Spencer controls. She's tired of it and is looking for a place and wants to focus on her acting career."
I think I feel you trying to care. Or maybe I'm feeling you trying to pass a fart. Yeah, probably the latter. If this is true, at least Heidi has her scary plastic monster face to remember Spencer by. Every time a child makes the sign of the cross at her, she can think fondly of that giant butt plug covered in flesh colored ass hairs.
And I doubt you're even reading this since you're still laughing at "focus on her acting career."
(terrifying image that most of you are taking as a direct threat via Pacific Coast News)
This is Heidi Montag's audition tape for "Transfarters 3" (I think that's what the hick at the beginning said) audition, and it's the most hilariously terrifying thing I've seen since watching that toddler work a cig like a pro. Except that fag-smoking toddler has the smarts to turn the gun on the camerdouche (aka Spencer Twatt).
Miss Plastic Anal Bead face Twittered this sad display of patheticness to Michael Bay in hopes that he would cast her as Megan Fox's replacement. The only problem is that the dildo-brained asshole Twittered it to a fake Michael Bay account. But nobody tell her that, because we need her to believe that her callback is being held at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico. Top Kill does need some villains.
And the saddest thing about this mess is that Heidi's tortured gun doesn't have hands to pick up another gun and shoot itself in the mouth.
While Heidi Montag was lying under the direct sunlight at Aria's pool area in Las Vegas yesterday, the plastic on her body slowly melted and seeped through the towel bonding her to the chair. A group of engineers from Mattel had to chisel her off the chair and apply another layer of ABS plastic on her. The painters from Maaco then had to spray her down with a fresh coat of paint in shade "Ass Dildo." And then she was as good as new again!
Seriously, I've seen Real Dolls that look more human this! But you know, Heidi's silicone globes in size "Elephant Head" don't offend me as much as those tragic flesh brows over her eyes! Bitch's eyebrows are probably the same shade as Spencer Pratt's pubic landing strip. If you want to fill your body with enough man-made materials to keep Tupperware in business for decades, have at it! But eyebrows should be sacred!
Heidi Montag will make her feature film debut, and surprisingly she won't be playing the role of Billy in the next Saw movie.
HuffPo says that Heidi has been cast alongside Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Nicole Kidman and Brooklyn Decker in the comedy Just Go With It. I guess all the Dollar Store Dolls and factory-defective Real Dolls in Los Angeles were otherwise engaged.
Heidi Twatted the apocalypse-summoning news. I also threw in a couple of her Twats that really need to be seen:
I was just cast in my first feature film comedy! I start filming monday!!!!!
4:13 PM Mar 10th via mobile web
memorizing my script for the feature comedy movie I am filming all next week
12:40 PM Mar 11th via mobile web
I love Jesus and the infinate love and light above
2:57 PM Mar 11th via mobile web#
I love the US Coast Guard so much! They have the coolest gazelle helicopters that fly over our house all the time. GO NAVY! love you guys!
33 minutes ago via web
Unfortunately, Heidi isn't playing Nicole's long-lost twin twister who was separated from her on the plastic surgeon's table. Heidi is playing herself. Again, there wasn't even a wig-wearing dildo (Kim Zolciak doesn't count) available to play the role of Heidi Montag?
Since Ron Howard is skilled at directing scary creatures made out of rubber and other man-made materials (see: The Grinch), he was definitely the right choice to direct Heidi Montag in this parody PSA pushing financial reform. Yeah, I don't know if it works as a PSA for that specific issue, but it definitely pushes the anti-plastic surgery message. I mean, Heidi looks like Lauri Waring's reflection in a fun house mirror. Get your vat of holy water out before you press play.
Heidi Montag, delusion's favorite spokesperson, said that she truly believes her album Superficial is destined to become the next Thriller. According to Wikipedia, Thriller has sold an estimated 65-100 million copies worldwide. Well, Heidi only has only 64,999,342 copies to go before she touches Michael Jackson's pinky toe, because UsWeekly says her album was downloaded only 658 times in one week.
Heidi claims that she went flat broke putting her album together, because she spent almost $2 million of her own money on it. Heidi went on to queef, "The songs will make an impact in pop history." Nielsen Soundscan reports that these historically important songs have been downloaded 6,000 times collectively.
The thing is, you know 657 of those downloads came from Spencer. The other download was made by the US military who uses it as a tool of torture.
By now you might have already seen and hissed at the cover of People Magazine featuring Heidi Montag's transformation from your average California reality show prostitute to a factory-defected blow-up doll who comes complete with a rubber dick and pussy. Well, ONTD posted a bunch of NSFW-ish (unless you work at a Mattel) scans from People of Horsey before, during and after her Jocelyn Wildenstein-approved plastic-over.
Horsey's 10 procedures included: mini brow lift, Botox in the face, nose job encore, fat injections in cheeks, de-chinning, neck lipo, ears pinned back (like a scared cat), titty job encore, ass implants and full body lipo. You would think that while the doctor was hacking her up, he also would've removed the shit-filled wart on her vagina known as Spencer Pratt.
Horsey said that she's always been insecure about her looks, and went under the knife so she can fulfill her dream of becoming a world famous pop star.
Yes, because all the world famous pop stars I know of look like something The Swan queefed out after masturbating with an over-sized suppository. I'm not being sarcastic.
And no, she wasn't put in handcuffs because she's associated with the Lord of the Fleshbeards Spencer Pratt. And she also wasn't arrested, because the police thought The Joker got a sex change in order to evade them. No, Stephanie Pratt of The Hills' was arrested for getting behind the wheel of a car while suffering from a serious case of the DRUNKS. File this under: "So this is how we're trying to stay relevant."
TMZ says that She-Pratt was taken into custody at 3:45 this morning in Hollywood on suspicion of driving under the influence. She is currently sitting in a jail cell on $5,000 bail.
She-Pratt's latest arrest is just another credit on her already glittery record. Back in 2006, she was busted for trying to steal a bunch of fancy stuff from a Neiman Marcus in Honolulu.
To be fair, if I was related to Twit & Twat, I'd be permanently hooked up to an IV bag filled with various kinds of the bad shit and every brand of booze. However, Stephanie didn't need to drive. Stephanie should've puffed up those balloon lips just a little bit more, and they would've carried her home safely.