Marky Mark

At the Palm Springs International Film Festival this past weekend, Marky Mark took the stage, stared at the trophy, and immediately hallowed it out with a steak knife so that he could smoke palm tree leaves out of it, or something. No, he didn't do that, but maybe he thought about it. Marky told the audience that his days of packing bowls are long over after his daughter asked him what that funny smell was.

"But I don't use those anymore. I stopped smoking weed for my kids. One day, we were driving and you could smell it from somewhere. My daughter asked what the smell was so I told her it was a skunk. Then she said, 'Sometimes Daddy smells like that!' to me and my wife. So I knew I had quit."

Or Marky could've explained to her that the stuff daddy smokes to deal with all her non-stop questions makes him smell like that. Kids and their questions. Like they're always hosting the Weakest Link. But I do appreciate Marky's answer. When his daughter smells weed smoke at a party for the first time, she's going to scream "SKUUUUUNK!!!!!" before running off to take a bath in V8.

via E! Online

It was Battle of the Beards '11 (not to be confused with a pot luck at the Scientology Celebrity Centre) at the Palm Springs International Film Festival last night when Jakey Gyllenhaal and Ben Affleck stomped on the carpet with half faces full of follicles.

Ben Affleck is like a dusty blue tin of Royal Dansk cookies to me. He's totally the Royal Dansk of men. Something that looks sort of sweet on the outside and is always around, but I never pull out from the back of my kitchen cabinet to peck at even when I start to get the "I NEED SOMETHING WITH CORN SYRUP IN IT!!!" shakes. But even though Ben's beard looks like a vine of nostril hairs has jumped out of his nose and taken over his chin, it works on him. Like Oreo frosting on a butter cookie.

Ben still doesn't have this, though. And neither does Jakey, the dude who usually works and wears a beard LIKE NO OTHER. We should really all bow down for the field of snow-covered baby's breath covering the bottom half of Taylor Hackford's face. If Santa Claus got a Norelco for Christmas....

Helen Mirren is a lucky bitch, because she gets to run her fingers through that pristine bush of angel pubes every single night.

Here's a few million pictures of everybody who cleaned up and sprayed perfume on their crotch for last night's festival: Ben, Jakey, Jesse Eisenberg, Carey Mulligan, Natalie Portman (with two sheets of gold stickers as a collar), RITA RUDNER!!!, Brenda Song with Arm & Hammer, Marky Mark, Aaron Eckhart, Andrew Garfield, Amy Adams, Javier Bardem, James Franco, Mary Hart, Taylor with Helen, Martha Plimpton and Colin Firth.

Marky Mark still really wants people to see him as Mark Wahlberg, serious Oscar-nominated thespian, instead of the hot piece who is responsible for awakening the genitals of a thousand newbie gays in the 90s. This is Marky Mark's greatest achievement in his professional life and he should pull down his pants and embrace it! But nooooo, Marky still gets all sorts of assholey in the face when somebody brings it up. Drew Barrymore knows all about this.

During a scene in her new movie Going the Distance, Drew phone fucks with Justin Long while thinking about Marky Mark's ads for Calvin Klein chonies. When Drew ran into Marky Mark recently, she told him all about the scene and instead of thanking her for slobbering over his dick, he acted like a giant one. Drew told Popeater, "Oh my God, I did tell him that. I ran into him at an awards show and I told him I was just talking about how hot you are in your underwear. Who would not be excited about that? He's a very nice guy, and I have had other conversations with him that went much better than that."

Justin Long, who was also there, defended Marky, "It didn't go over great ... In [Wahlberg's] defense, it's a strange thing to bring up. I don't think he was prepared for it."

Marky Mark takes shit way too seriously. Why does he have to ruin all the beautiful and touching moments we spent together in my wet dreams back in the day? Why does he have to spit (and not in a sexy) on our fake love? Drew is right. There's no need for Marky to turn on the CUNT switch when a crazy gay runs up to him in an East Village deli to ask him to sign the cum stain on his old Calvin Klein ad. I mean, I asked politely and everything! Fuck!

Here's Drew with her dog friend in NYC last night.

Yes, Marky Mark dropped his six-pack and picked up a bag of beer instead for his new role as an Irish boxer in The Fighter. Marky must be serious about keeping his moobs lush and luscious, because he has employed a full-time Diddy-approved umbrella holder. Marky is not about to let a few drops of sweat shrink his current titty situation.

And yes, I'd still hit while screaming the lyrics to Good Vibrations (I'm sure he gets that a lot). Truthfully, I think I prefer Marky this way. Sometimes when you're getting it on with a trick who has a body like a He-Man action figure, it makes you want put down the éclair you're holding (yes, I always eat éclairs during fucky times) and pick up a Wii Fit Controller.

Marky Mark and Rhea Durham have added yet another member to their own child army. Star Magazine says that Rhea gave birth to their fourth baby friend, a girl, at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles last night.

The baby's got a name too! A big-mouthed source, who is probably going to get a fist to the face from Marky (IT WAS ME! IT WAS ME!), said the two named their new daughter Margaret Grace.

Margaret Grace joins 6-year-old Ella, 4-year-old Michael and 1-year-old Brendan in the Wahlberg barracks.

Oh, and now I know why Rhea Durham is always giving herself THE BABIES!!! A source explains, "Mark was in the delivery room with Rhea. And he cheered her on all the way. Rhea was a real trouper, and now they can't wait to get home and be a big happy family with their four kids."

You too would be giving birth every second if Marky Mark dressed up in a cheerleader's outfit and told you to P-U-S-H while you lay spread-eagled in the delivery room.

And hopefully, Rhea lets her uterus smoke a cigarette and drink a glass of Andre before she puts it to work again.

Yesterday in Beverly Hills, Marky Mark married the mama je'e of his three chirruns, Rhea Durham, in a Catholic ceremony at the Good Shephard Church. Actually, since it was a Catholic ceremony they were probably named "husband & wife" only a few minutes ago. Catholic weddings go on for eoooooons. Every time I go to one, I'm told to bring a few granola bars for sustenance, a sleeping bag, a copy of War & Peace, a catheter and a shot of adrenaline to wake me up for the last couple of minutes.

Marky and Rhea got married in front of about 20 guests. Rhea wore a nightgown by Marchesa and Marky wore a bitchface. Marky and Rhea's 5-year-old daughter Ella was the flower girl. Now, I know some of your asses might be wondering how they could get married in a Catholic church if they already have three kids, but that doesn't matter! The greatest Catholic wedding I ever went to was the one where the bride (I'm not naming names) wore white with a veil and was about 6-months knocked up. As she walked down the aisle of the Catholic church with the priest staring at her baby bulge, I nearly bit my tongue off to keep from laughing. It was amazing. I skipped the open beer bar at the reception, because I was already drunk from the irony of it all. Simply beautiful.

Anyway, I hope Marky reunited with the Funky Bunch to perform at the reception. You know everyone who went was only there for the free booze, the cake and to see Marky bust his wedded ass to "Good Vibrations."

These pictures of Marky Mark on the set of The Fighter (the same movie Christian Bale is fighting the hotness in a major way for) bring back the beautiful memories of his CK Chonies ad. It almost feels like I'm catching up with an old friend. Seriously, that ad and me were practically engaged. It might have been my first boyfriend. I would carry it around with me everywhere! I wouldn't leave home without it. In fact, I still have the paper cut scar on my no-no from our times together. One time, some dumb bitch at school caught me with it and asked why I had it. My response was, "I really like his music." Yeah, that's what I was calling dick bulges back then - music.

Anyway, it's nice to see Marky Mark's titties in top shape again. Although, the real scene stealer of this movie is going to be Melissa Leo's hair. BEHOLD!!!

This is what Carmela Soprano was trying to do to her hair for so many years!!!

The BABY army is gaining new soldiers by the second and Marky Mark is quickly becoming one of their biggest producers. Marky and his girlfriend Rhea Durham brought their third babeh into this cruel world last September. Now Gatecrasher is saying another baby has taken out a lease on Rhea's womb! This would be their fucking fourth child! When does the next shuttle to Neptune leave?

Marky and Rhea have a 5-year-old girl (Ella Rae), a 2-year-old boy (Michael) and a 6-month-old boy (Brenda Joseph).

Marky's obviously got some potent shit up in those sacks. One drop and you've got a case of the babies. Marky's got sperm that doesn't even stop to say the egg "Say, hello to your mutha for me." Bitch just goes in.

In that picture above, Marky is making a face that says, "Back the fuck up or I'll knock you up...with a BABY!!"

Jimmy Kimmel had former panty model Marky Mark on his show last night and played the clip from SNL of Andy Samberg's impersonation of him. You know, the "Say hi to your motha" skit. Marky turned on his "tough street bitch from Boston" switch and said, "You know what? When I see that kid... I'm going to crack that big fucking nose of his. That's what I'm going to do. And then I'm going to tell him 'Say hi to your motha for me.'" He said this while picking dried douche particles off of his shirt.

Marky went on to joke about the whole thing by continuing his bad impersonation of a mobster. He said he's going to get on a plane and "slap him in the big nose. Tune in. I guarantee you. And then, instead of me forgiving him, I'll ask him to forgive me."

Marky's response would've been sooooo much better if he was naked and dancing around to "Good Vibrations." And instead of saying "big nose," he said "big peen" instead.

This is not the baby name I've been waiting for, but here we go! Marky Mark and his fiancee Rhea Durham had a son a couple of weeks ago and we now have a name. Are your ass cheeks on the edge of your seat? Get ready. You might want to hold on to something. Life & Style reports that they have named him Brendan Joseph. Yeah, you can go back to eating your Bacardi and oatmeal.

Naming their son BJ is living on the edge for Marky and Rhea. I was expecting something like Brian Michael or Michael Michael or Marky Mark Jr.. Little BJ joins Ella Rae and Michael as the Wahlberg children.

What I really, really want to know is what is Jason Lee's daughter's name!? She was born almost two months ago and nobody has reported on a name. Reporters everywhere need to drop everything and go undercover to find out that child's name! I better not see Barbara Walters on "The View" this morning, because bitch should be on the case! She owes it to the world to find out how Jason Lee topped the name Pilot Inspektor!