Cissy Houston Doesn't Like Bobby Brown And Doesn't Like The Thought Of Whitney Lezzing Out With Her Best Friend
On Oprah's Next Chapter last night, the Houston family matriarch pimped out her book on all things Whitney Houston and Oprah asked for her thoughts on a few rumors about her late daughter. Oprah brought up a part in Cissy's book where she talks about Whitney's relationship with best friend Robyn Crawford. Whitney was the Oprah to Robyn's Gayle King and there were rumors that the two bumped 'ginas under the moonlight and were in love for many years. Cissy writes that she knew about the speculation that Whitney and Robyn were gayelle lovers and when The Mighty O asked her if she believed the rumors, she said this:
"I don't really know. I thought, I didn't particularly like her. She just spoke too disrespectful sometimes, like she had something over Nippy. I didn't like that at all. She was alright. She turned out to be alright, I guess. That was her friend."
Cissy told Nippy that she didn't like Robyn and didn't want her hanging around Robyn, but Nippy did anyway. Cissy knew that Nippy's heart wrapped around Robyn's heart, but she didn't know for sure if her mouth ever wrapped around Robyn's love box. Oprah asked Cissy if it would've bothered her if Nippy was a lesbian and she didn't flinch when she said, "Absolutely." Oprah seemed surprised and asked the question again using different words. Cissy once again said that she wouldn't have liked it and wouldn't have condoned it.
Cissy's eyes when she said that! She didn't even flinch. It's like her eyes said "No, I wouldn't have liked it if they were straight dykin" and "Yes, I can smell Gayle's poon on your breath, Oprah, and I don't like that either!" Cissy is super into all things Jesus and is older than Methuselah, so it's not surprising that she wouldn't have embraced Whitney's gayelleness. But then when Oprah asked Cissy if she was happy when Bobby Brown came along, she said, "No." Cissy Houston hates Bobby Brown too.
Then when Oprah brought out a giant cupcake with sprinkles on it and asked Cissy if she liked that, Cissy said, "No." Oprah tried something different and brought out a pink basket full of fluffy kittens wearing tiny hats and asked Cissy if she liked that, Cissy said, "No."
CISSY HOUSTON HATES EVERYTHING!
And during the interview, Whitney's brother Michael confessed that he's the one who introduced her to crack, not Bobby Brown. When Oprah asked Cissy if she likes crack, Cissy said....you know the rest.
Jodie Foster has been the FourSquare Mayor of the Glass Closet for what feels like centuries and she's sort of dropped hints here and there about how she likes to slurp on lady clit, but at the Golden Globes tonight she fully came out as a card-carrying member of Home Depot. I think. Jodie got the Cecil B. DeMille Award at the Golden Globes and during her rambling speech she name dropped Honey Boo Boo, introduced the dude who co-parents her kids, retired from acting and then she let the coochie out of the bag. I didn't know if I was the one on shrooms or if Jodie Foster was the one on shrooms? Or both!
Jodie went on about how she came out to her friends and family a million years ago, but that was before hos declared "YUP, I'M GAY!" on the cover of People Magazine, so she never told the public. And then she name checked Honey Boo Boo. via Towleroad
"I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago, back in the stone age. In those very quaint days when a fragile young girl would open up to trusted friends, and family, coworkers and then gradually, proudly, to everyone who knew her. To everyone she actually met. But now, apparently I’m told, that every celebrity is expected to honor the details of their private life with a press conference, a fragrance and a primetime reality show. You guys might be surprised, but I’m not Honey Boo Boo child."
Do I laugh? Do I cry? Do I let out a "DUH?!" Do I praise St. Rojo Caliente for Jodie finally declaring her love of snatch? I don't know what to do, because I don't know what was going on in that speech. I'll just do what Mel Gibson did:
Yes, that's Mel's "Wait, I worked with a lesbian?" face.
But seriously, that is how you come out. You come out in a rambling, magical and weird coming out speech where you namedrop Honey Boo Boo. Congrats to Jodie and congrats to Honey Boo Boo!
File this under: Shit that reads like the plot of a messed up romcom starring Katherine Heigl and Hilary Swank.
A billionaire property magnate from Hong Kong has offered up a $65 million reward to any man who can successfully lure away his 33-year-old lesbian daughter from her wife. FINALLY, my dreams of becoming a beard AND a successful gold digger can come true. This can really work especially since many a bitch has told me that I look like a middle-aged Chinese butch lez.
Business Insider (via Towleroad) says that the daughter Gigi Chao (on the right and her Facebook is here) married her partner of 7 years Sean Eav (on the left) in France on April 4th, but her father Cecil Chao denies that a wedding ever took place and he refuses to accept his daughter's wife into the family. Cecil Chao is so desperate to make his daughter straight that he's willing to part with $65 million of his own money and he doesn't even care if the lesbian-turner is poor or rich. The only thing Cecil wants in a son-in-law to be is a dude who is kind in the heart and is a hard worker who wants to start his own business. Cecil, my future father-in-law, put it like this:
"[The prize money is] an inducement to attract someone who has the talent but not the capital to start his own business. Gigi is a very good woman with both talents and looks. She is devoted to her parents, is generous and does volunteer work."
I've only been in a Subaru twice, I hate going to Home Depot and plaid flannel doesn't look good on me because it's too busy for my facial features, but I'm willing to change all of that to be richer than Honey Boo Boo (I'm convinced she's a secret millionaire and is faking the poor for maximum media attention)!
But seriously, this could be like the lesbian version of Ang Lee's The Wedding Banquet. I'll move into Gigi and Sean's penthouse and we'll all pretend our way to millions! I'll even do a beard apprenticeship with Kelly Preston for a few months to learn how to be the best beard ever.
If my father-in-law ever walks into my Hong Kong penthouse and catches me with a peen in my mouth, I'll just tell him that his heterosexual daughter and I are heterosexual swingers and I always test the peens she's about to suck on, because I respect him too much to let his heterosexual daughter suck on nasty-tasting dicks. He'll believe me, this will work and we'll all be rich!
All the way back in June, when the ginger unicorns were still secreting drops of red hot happiness from their nipples over the gayelle wedding of the century, Rosie O'Donnell and her fianceé Michelle Rounds quietly got married in NYC. Rosie O and Michelle were supposed to tie the klit (I really meant to type "knot," but klit came out and so I'm keeping it) this month, but they decided to speed shit up when Michelle was diagnosed with desmoid tumors and had to get surgery. On June 9th, 5 days before Michelle went under, Rosie O'Donnell became a wife for the very
first second time.
In related news, Jennifer Love Hewitt just ran to the nearest Baskin Robbins, jumped over the counter and shoved her head into a huge tub of Snickers ice cream. After that, JLove will vajazzle the letters FML on her crotch, because Rosie can get a wife, but bitch can't get a husband.
Of course, Rosie announced the news by writing a messed up haiku-ish poem on her site:
my wife michelle
was diagnosed with desmoid tumors in june
a mysterious rare – too often fatal disease
that affects 3 in a million people
we were to wed 10 days ago
but her illness forced us to postpone the wedding
as i was in ICU that day
when it rains …
like love and flowers
so on we go
we married in private
before her surgery
just the 2 of us
when we r both well enough
will have the wedding of r dreams
surrounded by those we cherish
thankful for the love and support
so many have given us
during these trying times
If Rosie recited one of her "poems" during the ceremony, then either Michelle really is in love with her, she's a truly dedicated gold digger or she's willing to overlook that shit, because Rosie eats punane like it's made of cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster.
Congratulations to Rosie and Michelle! First, Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, and now Rosie O'Donnell and Michelle Rounds? Two power lesbian weddings in one year and it's only August, so there's room for many more. And yes, that's me elbowing Oprah and Gayle.
For the past couple of months, there's been rumors that Johnny Depp has been Edward Scissoring Amber Heard ever since VaJohnny broke up and there's been more rumors that the two started getting horny for each other while shooting The Rum Diary two years ago. I didn't really pay too much attention to those rumors, because why would hot piece Amber Heard ride on current day Johnny Depp when she can ride on her hot piece of a girlfriend instead? But now a source tells InTouch Weekly (via DM) that Amber and her girlfriend Tasya van Ree stopped bumping coochies a few months ago and they're still friends.
The source tells InTouch that Amber and Tasya broke up around the same time she started rubbing nipples with Johnny. Who knows if it was a clean break up or if Amber and Johnny pulled an "Eddie & LeAnn" by leaving their pieces for each other. I don't know, but I do know that Amber has a serious hat fetish. Hat-fucker!
And no, no, Johnny's dick doesn't have magical lezzie-rebuking powers. Amber has been open about loving herself some poon AND poon. Although, Johnny's been looking like a middle-aged gypsy lesbian from New Mexico for a while, so maybe Amber thinks he's a woman who always wears a really fancy, lifelike strap-on.
But more importantly, what is Amber and Johnny's couple name. This is obviously the only thing any of us care about? What about BerJohnny? Or Hearpp? Yeah, let's go with Hearpp. Hearpp has a certain special ring to it.
Those hoping that Queen Latifah would roll onto the stage at the 29th Annual Long Beach Lesbian & Gay Pride Festival in a Home Depot shopping cart while proudly waving her strap-on in the air were totally disappointed. Queen Latifah made her pride debut this past Saturday night and she didn't exactly scream that she loves chocha from the top of the amps. But Big Daddy Dana (© Fresh) did say she's been "waiting a long time to do this" and she's proud to be "among her people." To me, that's basically saying "Rojo Caliente is my party leader" without actually saying the words "Rojo Caliente is my party leader."
I'd still like to see Queen Latifah proudly wave her strap-on in the air, but only because that would make a really good CAPTION THIS picture. Queen Latifah doesn't really owe anybody a huge coming out speech, but you know who does owe me something? My cable provider. They owe it to me to include No More Down Low TV in their channel lineup.
Cancel the "That's So Raven!" pride parade float sponsored by Sharpie (the trusted name in eyebrow situations), because Raven Symone has stepped far away from the closet door knob and is not coming out publicly anytime soon. Raven went on Twitter today to twat out a few words about the rumor that she and AzMarie from ANTM are playing patty cake with their labias. Whether Raven likes to chupa on clit or peen is her business and nobody else's. That's what Raven says and she gave it to us like this:
I'm living my PERSONAL life the way I'm happiest. I'm not one, in my 25 year career to disclose who I'm dating. and I shall not start now.
My sexual orientation is mine, and the person I'm datings to know. I'm not one for a public display of my life.
However that is my right as a HUMAN BEing whether straight or gay. To tell or not to tell. As long as I'm not harming anyone.
I am a light being made from love. And my career is the only thing I would like to put on display, not my personal life. Kisses!
1. Raven has been in the game for 25 years?! Welcome to Old Town. Population: ALL OF US.
2. I get that Raven wants to Anderson Cooper it, but at least one time in my life I want to see her zooming down a pride parade route on a Segway with a rainbow flag in her hand.
3. Light being made from love? Bitch didn't come out as a lesbian, but she did come out as a fucking Care Bear. I KNEW IT!
Two world-renowned fuckery makers joined forces yesterday when Media Takeout reported that The National Enquirer is reporting that Bill Cosby's granddaughter and brow-challenged Raven Symone is scissoring it up with AzMarie from America's Next Top Model: British Invasion. The Enquirer says that the "That's" in That's So Raven stands for Raven having no fucks to give over her family freaking out about this. Raven is in love, doesn't care if anybody knows she loves labia and is close to waving her flannel flag in the air. AzMarie has moved into the $11,000 a month apartment that Raven is staying in while she stars in Sister Act on Broadway. The source put it like this:
“She’s at a point now where she doesn’t care what her family thinks, and she’s in love with AzMarie. She’s a lesbian and wants to live that way. She feels her parents are still trying to treat her like she’s a kid, and she’s told them she’s going to do what she wants.
Raven has hidden being gay for a long time now.But about a year ago, she was introduced by a friend to AzMarie, who is absolutely gorgeous. The two began seeing each other, and a few months ago, Raven finally got the nerve to ask her to move into her lavish Manhattan condo. When her family found out, they blew their stack and it’s created a gay scandal for Raven. She told her parents she loves them, but her home – especially her bedroom – is nobody’s business, and she was not going to back down, so they needed to accept it, period.”
A gay scandal is always the best kind of scandal. Who knows if this is true, but if it is then I'm into this couple. They're like the lesbian Amber Rose and Kanye but 100% less annoying. AzMarie and Raven both know the importance of a perfect eyebrow situation and their couple name would be AzRave, which sounds like my kind of rave. (I mean, a rave full of adzes? Yes!) But I still won't fully believe this until Raven comes zooming out of the closet on a Segway with AzMarie sitting in a Segway side car next to her.
Yesterday, the whole of the Internet got a boner after Matt Bomer said in so many words that us gay sluts actually have a chance with him (that's how I took it) and today the Matt Bomer of Australia (basically), Sharon from Kath & Kim, said on national television that she's full gayelle. Magda Szubanski, seen on the right as her Kath & Kim character and seen on the left as herself, has come out in the name of marriage equality. The chunk of lard jelly in my chest hasn't felt this much love for Magda since she refused to have the character she created be used in the pile of rotten spunk that was the Americanized Kath & Kim. Let's never speak of that shit show again, foxy morons.
This was what Magda said today on Ten's The Project (click here to see the video):
"It's not like I was running around hiding it, but there's a difference between living life openly and living life absolutely publicly. How do you communicate to someone what it feels like to be on the receiving end of prejudice? I was so nerve-wracked yesterday, I demolish a whole packet of Tim Tams.
I am absolutely not straight. I do not identify myself as bisexual either. I identify myself as gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. If there's a tablet you could take to cure it, I wouldn't take it.
I love my work ... You almost feel like you have to choose. I know you are going to ask me if it would have been hard (to be gay and an actor), but it's only recently that things have changed. It's only in the last four years things like civil unions have been granted."
I was going to spend my Valentine's Day night by going into random restaurants to find the most in love couple in the place. Then I was going to push at one them before telling him that he left a case of herpes on my ass when we fucked last week. But instead, I'm going to eat a Russell Stover's (the chocolate, not a piece I met on Grindr) while watching my first season DVD of Kath & Kim. Happy Sharon Comes Out Day!
Kristy McNichol, known to you 70s hos as Buddy from Family, or us 90s hos as Barbara from Empty Nest, or you 2000s hos as "Mom, who is this bitch Kristy McNichosomething?", is proudly waving her Home Depot and flannel flag. Kristy retired from the acting game in the 90s, but is stepping back into the slightly dim spotlight to tell that the world that she's a big lez. For those of you who are still on the floor from hearing about Clay Gayken, this shocking and surprising news will probably keep you there. I'll bring you a blanket and a mayo sandwich later. In the meantime, this is what Kristy's publicist told People about her decision to publicly come out at the age of 49.
McNichol, 49, who has lived with her partner Martie Allen, also 49, for the past two decades, decided to make a statement about her sexuality and share this photo because she is "approaching 50" and wants to "be open about who I am."
She "is very sad about kids being bullied," her publicist Jeff Ballard tells PEOPLE. "She hopes that coming out can help kids who need support. She would like to help others who feel different."
Done with acting, McNichol spends her time focusing on tennis, yoga, travel and raising her beloved miniature dachshunds. "She is very happy and healthy," says Ballard. "And she enjoys living a very private life."
YAY for this! The world definitely needs more proud lesbians telling People magazine that they are proud lesbians, and I definitely need to get on a successful sitcom like right now. Then I can retire from sitcom acting in like 10 years and spend my 40s and on focusing on tennis, yoga, travel and raising beloved miniature dachshunds. And now that People has caught up with Kristy McNichols, can they please do a cover story and 15-page spread on the whereabouts of Park Overall!