Shut Your Hole

It was kind of fitting that Kanye Kardashian (née West) performed in a pyramid at Adult Swim's Upfront event at Roseland in NYC last night, because he was the Queen of Denial when he said that he's a musical artist and he's not a "celebrity" or a paparazzi star. The delusion is thick.

Kanye was the surprise musical guest at Adult Swim's Upfront even and if anybody thought they were going to get 90 minutes of non-stop music, they must not know Kanye. Because no Kanye West show is complete without a whiny, hissy fit rant about how hard it is being Kanye West. There's not a pacifier big enough to shut his gaping whine hole. Kanye started off his cry fest by saying that he's not a celebrity, he's a terrible celebrity, and all he does is make real music and he's not here to be on the cover of tabloids.

Bumping his dome on that sign last week was totally a metaphor for Kanye's life. Kanye's head is so far up his own ass that he's blind to the fact that he's the best kind of tabloid celebrity because of all of his anus-popping meltdowns and ALL-CAPS rants. On top of all of that, he put a fetus into the fame whore of all fame whores whose oxygen is the flash from a paparazzo's camera. Bitch is trying to act like he's the J.D. Salinger of hip hop. He's about as reclusive as Kim Kartrashian.

Miss Info transcribed Kanye's latest cry baby rant if you really don't want to fill your ears with the sound of his whining:

“I ain’t no muthafuckin celebrity… There’s one thing about me, I’m a terrible, terrible terrible celebrity. I don’t know if you really know there’s one thing about me but I’m the worst kind of, the worst kind of celebrity. All I do is make real music. All I do is sit in the studio and make real shit. And that’s it. And that’s muthafuckin it. That’s muthafuckin it!

So I don’t want no people runnin’ up on me with cameras, trying to like sell pictures and shit to magazines, asking me dumb ass questions, throwin’ me off my focus and shit. Harrasin’ you all muthafuckin day. I ain’t no muthafuckain celebrity.

It’s so funny. Somebody asked me, ‘when you do SNL, are you going to do a skit about the paparazzi and shit. And like humanize yourself? I ain’t hear to apologize to no muthafuckas man. It ain’t about me humanizing myself. At one point did I become un-human where I had to turn myself back. Or maybe I was demonized, or maybe I was treated inhumane and not human in that type of situation. I ain’t no muthafuckin celebrity. I ain’t runnin’ for office. I ain’t kissin’ nobody’s muthafuckin babies. I drop your baby and you muthafuckain sue me and shit. I’m trying to make some music that inspires people to be the best that they can be. And I don’t want nobody else to ask anything of me! Don’t ask nothing else of me.

Muthafuckas chasin you down, about to make you crash and shit. And all they want is for a nigga to laugh and shit. Hell nah, I ain’t doin no muthafuckin SNL skits. This is my Goddamn life. This ain’t no muthafuckin joke.

Whenever anybody would scream out "¡Santo Dios!" in front of my abuelita, she'd slap them with her eyes before grabbing her rosary to say a prayer for their sinful souls. Well, Pimp Mama Kris is probably clutching Lucifer's loin cloth and repeating an Illuminati chant to herself, because almost everything that Kanye said last night is against her religion.

In her 5,902,487th interview of the month, Goopy Paltrow tells USA Today that she knows the stick shoved up her ass is a "lightning rod" and people constantly "project a lot of stuff" onto her. She doesn't ready any of that stuff, because it's none of her business. Goopy gets that people think she's too privileged, but she's just a woman with real problems. Goopy's not perfect and she has suffered in her life. Goopy does have a point. I mean, one time her laundress used Palmolive to wash her 22k white gold thread sheets. Goopy didn't know about it until she had already used those sheets. She spent hours scrubbing the average out of her pristine skin with a sponge made from the fur of a wild baby boar. That is SUFFERING!

When Goopy started complaining about how tired she is, USA Today's writer stroked the softest parts of her ego a bit by asking her how is it possible for her to look so fresh the morning after the Met Gala? Goopy spat this out:

"Are you crazy? I'm like RuPaul! I have so much makeup on. Foundation! Last night, I was literally a transvestite."

Either English professor Rachel Zoe taught Gwyneth Paltrow what the definition of "literally" is or she's trying to tell us that she's got a flaccid, pasty, pencil dick hanging between her legs. Whatever the case may be, she's offending "transvestites" everywhere, because no transvestite I've seen would ever go outside looking that bland, basic and boring.

And I have only one response to her "I'm like RuPaul" comment:

Play it again, because that comment deserves a double slap.

In "fuckery you just can't make up" news, Justin Bieber and some of his friends visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam last night and not only did the shit-brained fetus keep his sunglasses on in the museum (picture above), but he also vomited up pieces of his ego all over the museum's guestbook. After learning that Anne Frank hid in the attic for two years and was eventually captured by the Nazis and died in a concentration camp, the only question the Biebs asked was, "I wonder if she would've been a Belieber?" Out of everything, that's what he got out of the Anne Frank Museum. I just.... I don't.... I mean... I CAN'T!

The Anne Frank Museum Facebook page posted a transcription of what Justin Bieber wrote and it's the reason why humanity cries today:

Yesterday night Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House, together with his friends and guards. Fans were waiting outside to see a glimpse of him. He stayed more than an hour in the museum. In our guestbook he wrote: "Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber." Tonight Bieber will give a concert in Arnhem in the Netherlands.

Please, everybody knows that Anne Frank would've been a One Direction fan.

Another sad part of this is that the Beliebers probably don't even know who Anne Frank is and they're going to start sending her death threats on Twitter, because he gave her a shout out instead of them.

And Justin Bieber accomplished the impossible by managing to out-Bieber himself.

via CNN

It hurts putting the "Dumb Bitch of the Day" tag with the "Jeremy Irons" tag, but the crap that fell out of his mouth during his interview with HuffPost Live....

HuffPost Live's Josh Zepps brought up the topic of same-sex marriage and Jeremy Irons could've easily just said that he doesn't care about it or he doesn't like it or whatever. But instead, he opened up his talk hole and let out a rambling stream of shit. Jeremy is afraid that same-sex marriage will lead to fathers marrying their sons for tax reasons.

Here's how Jeremy and Josh's conversation went (SPOILER ALERT: It ran off the rails and crashed). It almost makes more sense if you picture Scar saying this instead of Jeremy Irons:

Jeremy: Well, I don't know... It's a very interesting one, that, and I don't really have a strong feeling, but I see that... What we had in England, which was not marriage, but it was a union you could make if you were gay and wanted to make a civil partnership.

Josh: Yes, civil union sort of has the same rights as marriage, but not the name.

Jeremy: That's right. Same rights, not the name. It seems to me that now they're fighting for the name and I worry that it means somehow we debase or we change what marriage is. I just worry about that. I mean, tax-wise is an interesting one, because could a father not marry his son?

Josh: Um, well there are laws against incest.

Jeremy: It's not incest between men. Incest is there to protect us against inbreeding, but men don't breed, so incest wouldn't cover that. Now if that was so, then if I wanted to pass on my estate without death duties, I could marry my son and pass on my estate to him.

Josh: No, that sounds like a total red herring. I'm sure that incest law would still cover same-sex marriages.

Jeremy: Really, why?

Josh: Because I don't think that incest law is only justified on the basis of the consequences of procreation. I think there's also a moral approbation that's associated with incest.

Jeremy: But I think it comes from breeding. I think the lawyers are going to have a field day with same-sex marriage. I don't have a strong feeling either way. I just wish everyone that's living with one other person the best luck in the world, because it's fantastic.

Josh: Spoken like a happily married man.

Jeremy: Yeah, and also a man who has a dog that he loves.

THE FUCK?! Jeremy Irons said a few years ago that children under 16 are "immensely attractive" and the "hysteria" over pedophilia is ruining relationships between parents and their kids. Then he says this shit? Jeremy's son Max Irons is going to side-eye him something extra the next time they hug.

And now I can't fap to Jeremy Irons the next time Damage comes on cable. Jeremy Irons is ruining Jeremy Irons for me!

Here's the video if you need to hear those words coming out of Jeremy's mouth.

Goopy Paltrow really spilled all her thoughts out while lying on the therapist couch at Self Magazine. Goop admitted to starving her family of carbs, said she almost died while pregnant with the child she miscarried and she also said that her insane diet changed her marriage to Chris Martin. Goop said that her family doesn't eat any gluten, bread, pasta, cheese, sugar and many other delicious things, but now she says that she only eats like that for a month or two a year. Blue Ivy Carter's auntie went on the no food diet a couple of years ago when she felt like she was spinning out of control and turning into a real grouch to the cunth degree (no comment).

A couple of years ago, I got really run down. I had to sing at awards shows, which was fun but stressful. I'd have a Guinness and a beta-blocker every time. I also was constantly getting on airplanes, trying to knock myself out with sleeping pills and wine, waking up, trying to sweat it out with exercise and a steam, and then working really hard all day. Eventually, I had a panic attack. My body was like, "What is happening?"

Guinness, sleeping pills and wine? That sounds like the diet of champions! My body asks "What is happening?" when I don't fill it with beer and wine. But Goopy went to the doctor and he told her to stop eating:

My doctor, Alejandro Junger, recommended that I cut out basically everything: dairy, sugar, gluten, anything processed. I was like, "What the fuck am I going to eat now?" That's why I made the book: to stop eating brown rice out of the fridge because I didn't know what else to eat—it was demoralizing.

So Goop's rock bottom moment is when she ate brown rice out of the fridge? This bitch is a parody now. I don't even keep brown rice in the fridge, but if I did and ate it one day, that would be a super healthy accomplishment for me. I'd say to myself, "You ate brown rice. Good for you! Now you deserve to eat 10 chocolate fudge cookies in a row." One of my rock bottom moments was when I shoved two spoonfuls of Bisquick powder and two spoonfuls of milk in my mouth and swished them together before swallowing the batter down.

But like I said, Goop only eats humidifier mist and leaf tips a couple times a year:

I probably eat this way two or three times a year for three weeks at a time. Past that, I'm not willing to make the sacrifice. Life is about balance. It's good to work in healthy food, whether it's five days a week or five meals a week. And if you're going to do it, it should be awesome food you're psyched to make. But never cut out the brownies or the wine.

When Goop detoxes, she shits out her inner cuntiness and it makes her a less insufferable person (again, too easy) and her marriage to Chris Martin is different because of it:

You feel lighter and your emotions get smoother. I also was run-down because I had a lot of unexpressed anger. I made everyone else's feelings more important than my own. I'd suck it up and then be alone in my car yelling at traffic or fighting with hangers in my closet when they got stuck together.

You're not learning anything unless you're having the difficult conversations. Dealing with things directly changed my relationships. Sometimes when you get clear about who you are, others get less comfortable because they liked who you were. It's changed my marriage [to Chris Martin, 36], too, but he's up for the challenge.

It's probably made Goopy's marriage better, because every time she goes on the no food diet, she makes Chris Martin go on the no food diet. So whenever she says some ridiculous crap, he's too weak to fight back. He just lifts his head from off of the couch, uses the bit of strength he has left to shrug and then collapses into a puddle of weak numbness again. It's the perfect marriage.

And Goop's diet is totally working. It's made her a reasonable, sane, down-to-earth and happy human being!

The scary thing is, Goop's starting to sound a little like my mom. My mom is really healthy and thinks that diet has everything to do with your mood. Like whenever I'm on the phone with her and complain about something, she'll say, "Did you eat sugar today? You sound grouchy." Of course I ate sugar that day! I eat sugar every day! Of course I was grouchy that day! I'm grouchy every day! Being a bitch is my life blood and if sugar makes me bitchier, bring on the Twinkies!

Yes, I'm going to die alone surrounded by Butterfinger wrappers.

While Apple and Moses Martin are eating the stuck cheese off of the McDonald's wrappers they smuggled into their bedrooms because they are HONGRAY, Goopy Paltrow is downstairs sharing a crystal goblet full of calorie-free organic air with a bunch of women who were too threatened by her to be her friend 14 years ago. Goopy tells Self Magazine (more like Self-Involved Magazine if Fishsticks is on the cover) that after Harvey Weinstein pretty much bought her an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love, women were too jealous of her power to be her friend. But now that she's more seasoned and has been through a lot (I'll wait here as you go and pick up the eyeball that rolled out onto the floor), women like Beyonce and Cameron Diaz want to be her friend. The Anne Hathaway of her time shat out this dingle of ridiculousness.

"I feel a sisterhood emerging around me. I’m less threatening now that I’m 40 and not 26-with-an-Oscar. They know I’ve been through a lot of pain and suffering – some public, some private – and I keep going. Or maybe it’s just that I was the first one who could afford therapy!"

Goopy really has been through a lot of pain and suffering! One time at a restaurant, she ordered a caviar-encrusted piece of raw bluefin tuna on a bed of cloud puree and the waiter brought her a caviar-encrusted piece of seared bluefin tuna instead. THE PAIN! Another time, she was watching a TV documentary on Ethiopia to get diet tips when a commercial for Pillsbury Crescent Rolls came on. THE SUFFERING! Goopy can't even look at processed carbs, that's how allergic to gluten she is. And let's not even get into the time she had to rip her wood-burning pizza oven out because her weekday nanny put a DiGiorno in there. She has been through a lot!

And Goopy only has friends like Beyonce and Cameron Diaz now, because all the insufferable and pretentious crap that comes out of her mouth makes them feel humble and sane by comparison.

via The Daily Mail 

Proving once again that mountains of money and fame can turn a toddler into a real insufferable thorn stuck in humanity's ass lips, Justin Bieber typed out an "F U HATERZ!" rant on Instagram against the media for saying that his management and family are going to put him in rehab, because they think he's losing it. This was a good idea, because nothing shows that you've got it together like a rambling, typo-filled, delusional rant of mega douche proportions.

The Biebs shat out the rant on Instagram earlier today, but one of his babysitters quickly deleted it and replaced it with a message that was slightly less douchey. But in his original rant, Bieber tells the media to suck on the lumpiest part of his diaper, because his piggy bank is stuffed to the top and his head is screwed on straight. Justin Bieber knows the latter part is 100% true, because he just had his head re-tightened at the Baby Alive factory. The Biebs also really told the intervention experts when he said that he doesn't need rehab, because he's 19 and a huge star. And somebody should turn the garden hose on White Oprah, who is probably passed out drunk on the front lawn, because she's going to need to come at the Biebs for hating on her innocent child.

Here's the Biebs' rant and I can't make fun of his typos. I make more typos and I'm sure it's not easy using Speak & Spell to edit your rants. via ET

"I'm tired of all the countless lies in the press right now. Saying I'm going to rehab and how my family is disappointed in me. My family is beyond proud. If Anyone believes i need rehab thats their own stupidity lol I'm 19 with 5 number one albums, 19 and I've seen the whole world. 19 and I've accomplished more than I could've ever dreamed of, i'm 19 and it must be scary to some people to think that this is just the beginning. I know my talent level and i know i got my head on straight. i know who i am and i know who i'm not My messege is to to believe. I honestly don't care if you don't believe in me because I believe in me, and look where that's gotten me so far.. I'm writing this with a smile on my face and love in my heart.

Letting u know first hand how I feel rather than have these story linger. I'm a good person with a big heart. And don't think I deserve all of this negative press I've worked my ass off to get where I am and my hard work doesn't stop here. i'm growing up finding myself while having people watch me and criticise me everyday i think im doing pretty damn good. And to those comparing me to Lindsey Lohan. Look at her 2012 tax statements."

Yeah, the Biebs' transformation into Aaron Carter is right on schedule. Damn at that last line. The Beliebers must've slid off their high chairs when their mommies read them that line.

I can't wait for Lindsay Lohan to file a $100 billion lawsuit against this entitled douche for using her name for publicity and slandering her pristine image as a responsible, tax-paying citizen. And I hope she wins. Screw Justin Bieber for making me feel bad for Lindsay Lohan for five seconds.

And TMZ has screen shots of the Biebs' original rant if you want to see it.

Apparently, The Difficult Brown deleted his Instagram page right after Jesus' lawyer sent him a cease and desist for using his shitty art to compare himself to God and St. Bea Arthur's child (Jesus is Bea Arthur's biological child and you can't tell me otherwise). But MTV News says Chris Brown has another account on Instagram that's private and he used it to cry butt tears of woe over the latest mound of shit that he created and stepped in. Chris Brown once again threw himself on the cross and bitch and moaned about he's sick of people throwing hate at him. It really is hard out for there for an entitled rage monster who thinks that he's above the law (see also: Lindsay Lohan).

Chris Brown is right. Why can't everyone just leave Chris Brown alooooone, because it's obvious that he's a changed man who has totally taken responsibility for being an asshole and shows this every day through his actions. You know when Chris Brown murdered a mirror with a chair at Good Morning America? That was a changed man! You know when Chris Brown got into a parking lot brawl with Frank Ocean instead of walking away to avoid trouble? That was a changed man! You know how Chris Brown made up all those community service hours because he thinks he's above the law? That's a changed man!

Chris Brown isn't Jesus. That's unfair to say, because Chris Brown has it worse than Jesus! Jesus was just nailed to a cross and left to bleed and starve to death. Chris Brown has to deal with bitches on Twitter and the media constantly calling him out for being an unchanged asshole. That's worse! Churches everywhere should swipe out their statues of Jesus on the cross for statues of Chris Brown crying in front of a laptop at all the mean comments, because that's real suffering.

And please, like anything is going to happen to Chris in court today. It's California! But maybe he should change his last name to "Lohan" to make sure.

UPDATE: Chris Brown denies this rant came from him and says it came from a fake Instagram account. I should've known it wasn't him when he said he wasn't Jesus.

Ugh Charlie. Just when I start to think you are a nice guy who bails fellow crackheads out of their IRS trouble and donates the rest of your Scary Movie 5 salary to charity, you go and pull this stupid stunt. BOOOOOO. At the opening of the club he co-owns at the El Ganza hotel in Cabo, brilliantly named Sheenz with a Z (insert eye roll here), Charlie Sheen drops an F bomb on the crowd. No, not the glorious FUCK word, which nobody would have given an eff about. YEAH, that one.

NY Daily News has the story, and you can watch the video here on TMZ where Chuck (or as I lovingly refer to him "Upchuck" now amended to "ShutTheFuckUpchuck") yells this to the crowd, which is notably NOT on board with what the fuck he just said judging from the lackluster response.

"How we doing? Lying bunch of f---got asssholes, how we doing?"

Adorable. He immediately apologized for the slur and said he was not trying to offend and that he meant to say "maggots" but he has a lisp. What a lame as fuck excuse. You have a lisp of the brains Charlie, just go do another fat rail off a couple of rented piece's assholes and stop making appearances that aren't pre-taped and edited. Slash showed up and played a set for the club opening, which Charlie by all reports hosted beautifully right up to the point he put his foot in his mouth up to his hipbone (BONUS, I can suck my own dick now! Shit, still cokey and flaccid, and tastes like Lindsay Lohan. ~ Charlie).

Looking like Alf with a Katt Williams wig on, Sean Penn is on the cover of Esquire magazine and he also talked to them about all the matters of his corroded douche bag heart. Sean Penn was married to Robin Wright for 14 years and they have two kids together, but he tells Esquire that he doesn't feel she truly, really loved him. When Sean and Robin got divorced, he realized that their love was fraudulent and she really wasn't into being married to him (do you blame her?). Here's the Woe-ing of Sean Penn:

“There is no shame in saying that we all want to be loved by someone. As I look back over my life in romance, I don’t feel I’ve ever had that. I have been the only one that was unaware of the fraud in a few of these circumstances blindly. When you get divorced, all the truths that come out, you sit there and you go, 'What the fuck was I doing? What was I doing believing that this person was invested in this way?' Which is a fantastically strong humiliation in the best sense. It can make somebody very bitter and very hard and closed off, but I find it does the opposite to me.”

Sean Penn doesn't think he's very bitter? If I dipped his dick in a cup of muddled sugar cubes and whiskey, I'd have an old-fashioned. I shouldn't say that. We should all feel sorry for poor, unloved Sean Penn. When Sean Penn tied Madonna to a chair after slapping her around, he looked into her eyes and she didn't give him a look of love. She never loved him! When Sean Penn used to spoon with Hugo Chavez in a tent in the middle of a jungle Venezuela, Hugo would pull away after a few minutes. He never loved him! When Sean Penn would come home smelling like random twat and Robin would sneer at him, she did it with disgust and not love. She never loved him! Sean Penn doesn't beat bitches up because he's a raging anus. He does it because he's acting out over not being loved. When is somebody going to love Sean Penn?!

But you know, if Sean Penn wants to be loved, he needs to take a trip to him first. Because if he doesn't love himself, who will? And based on that haircut, he obviously doesn't love himself.