If the fringe curtain that hangs over my cousin's bedroom doorway and the grease-stained old chinoise wallpaper in my grandma's kitchen were used to make a costume for a chorus skater in an Ice Capades version of The World of Suzie Wong, it would look like the mess Blake Lively wore to Gossip Girl's 100 episode party in NYC last night. That shit is made of so much fug that there's no way you could find one ho who would gladly use it to floss her twat. But there's Blake trying to sell that fug dress like a Tijuana child selling a box of chicles.
My favorite part is how Blake's actually doing the "hand on hip, sway back" pose. THIS BITCH would do a basic pose you learn your first day at that piece of amateur shit modeling school John Robert Powers (I can say this as an alumni of JRP's rival school Barbizon). Fall back all the way, Blake, because you ain't doing the pose, the pose is doing you.
And here's a few other messes from last night's party including: Leighton Meester, the most beautiful woman there Chace Crawford, Ed Westwick (who is prune-ing till he makes it), Penn Badgley, Hooker Megan from Melrose Place with Matthew Settle and Michelle Trachtenberg.
Ed Westwick doesn't need a man slave following him around with a rainbow umbrella, because he's the one who's throwing the shade.
Here's the honey glazed catfish that is Ed Westwick struttin' that ass upstream while giving me all sorts of "gay Italian gigolo on the stroll" fever. Hopefully, this picture will serve as an inspiration for the chamber music version of Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" as performed by the Gay Men's Chorus of NYC.
Blind items star Ed Westwick has reportedly quit his Gossip Girl co-star girlfriend Jessica Szohr after he heard rumors that she got it on with a hot piece named Marco Minuto at her birthday party in Los Angeles. Basically, Chuck was probably upset that she took her empty plate to the sausage buffet without him. They used to do everything together including eat sausages. Why did Jessica have to make Ed's pucker wilt? #sadduckfaceissad
A source tells Page Six, "Jessica recently celebrated her birthday in LA and was being openly affectionate and flirty with Marco. They ended up back at the same hotel, but nobody knows what happened behind closed doors. Her flirty behavior shocked a lot of their friends, so word quickly got back to Ed, who has been filming in Europe. He immediately ended their relationship on the phone, and Jessica, who denied anything happened with Marco, was so distraught that she flew to London last Friday with just the clothes on her back. She's been begging Ed to take her back, but he is deeply hurt. He can't believe that she carried on this way with one of his friends."
Jessica's spokeswhore denies this whole mess.
Well, if Jessica really isn't in the picture anymore, my question is:
Chace Crawford better sprinkle a little hot sauce on his biscuit, because Ed's pucker is going to need perking up.
For a few weeks, we were teased with the promise of homo lip action on Gossip Girl between Chuck SeaBass and some hot piece. Last night, I carefully took off my pants, folded them next to me and was all ready to watch the tongues fly, but all I got was a peck. A PECK! The kind of peck you'd give your accountant in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. That shit is beyond G-rated.
This is The CW we're talking, so I wasn't expecting a salad tossing or teabagging, but that wasn't a kiss. I mean, Chuck Bass obviously knows his way around a man's tongue, so I don't know why he acted like they were forcing him to kiss a rubber vagina. I want a refund.
There are some tattoos that you just want to lick and rub your nipples on (ADMIT IT). And there are some that you just want to hiss at and throw holy water at it. Ed Westwick's new tattoos fall under the latter category.
Ed posted pictures of two ENORMOUS ink skidmarks he got on each arm. One is a feather, which I'm guessing means he's light as feather (gay) and stiff as a board (always horny for peen). The other tattoo is a half-nekkid pin-up which is Ed's way of saying "I LOVES VAGINAZ." Yup, doesn't work. Especially when the look on his face is saying, "PUT A DICK ON MY FOREHEAD."
No, Ed Westwick doesn't want Zac Efron's body like that. Ed just wants to chop his and Zac's heads off and switch bodies. Basically. Life & Style says that 22-year-old Ed is sick and tired of having the body of a puff pastry-wrapped trout, so he wants to get muscles like purdy Cover Girl Zac Efron.
A source said, “After seeing new pics of Zac in magazines, Ed’s determined to get cut like him. Ed has no muscles or definition and really wants to improve his body.”
Aw. I'm guessing Ed sashayed into Chace Crawford's trailer one hot afternoon and caught him dry screwing one of Zac Efron's shirtless pictures. So now Ed wants to be the Zac Efron of Chace Crawford's wet dreams! Don't change for a twink, Ed! There's a zillion hos out there who will get the tingles while watching your body jiggle like a Jello Jiggler during fucky times (all fingers point to ME).
Is Gossip Girl finally going to show some hot dude-on-dude action? SPOILER ALERT (Maybe). Well, the "hot" part is to be determined, but apparently they are going to give us a little gay action courtesy of Chuck Bass and the piece above. Michael Ausiello over at EW.com has it on good authority that Chuck Bass will pucker up his precious trout lips for actor Neal Bledsoe next season.
The storyline is kind of brings the bores. Neal will play the head of freshmen affairs at NYU, where Blair Waldorf Salad is a student. Blair really wants to deliver the freshmen speech at some school event, so Chuck Bass seduces Neal to get her the gig. BOOM! That's it. This is The CW, so I doubt this is going to make you want to fidget with your privates. I'm guessing no tongue, no nipple pinching, no face slapping and no hair pulling. I'd rather watch Ed Westwick and Chace Crawford's private home movies. But a gay kiss is a gay kiss, so this is a start.
Here's those GG hos (including Hilary Duff) shooting in NYC yesterday. And is Chuck Bass butt queefing in the second thumbnail below? Because the chick with the blue purse looks like she smells one.
Ed Westwick and Chace Crawford, the stars of a trillion blind items, have parted ways and are no longer living together. UsWeekly says that Chace packed up his blow dryer and moved out of the Chelsea apartment he shared with Ed Westwick since they started working on Gossip Girl together. Chace moved into a fancy penthouse in the financial district. The mirror is all his now!
A source says that Chace fluttered out of their nest, because he just couldn't take Ed's slob ways anymore. So I take it that Chace didn't like it when Ed would just bust all over the sheets, roll over and then go to bed. Jizz dust and dried-up ass jelly on the sheets never bothered me, but some hos have weak stomachs.
I have a feeling this is going to hit Ed hard. I hope he prepared for this by recording Chace's sleepy time breathing before he left, so he has something to soothe him to sleep at night.
True story. One of my friends was having a shitty time sleeping after a break up, because he was so used to going to bed with his man. Someone told his ass that he should cover a pillow with his ex's t-shirt and spray his cologne on it. My friend did just that and it worked! It made him look crazier than a Mexican jumping bean, but it worked! Okay, okay, I do the same thing each night, but I cuddle with a silver fox stuffed animal while audio of Anderson Cooper saying "I Wanna Be Your Boo" plays on a loop.
Here's Chuck Bass and foot fetish porn star Leighton Meester on the set of GG yesterday.
The White House Correspondents' Dinner was last night in DC and it looked like they put the invite on Facebook, because hos who had no business being there showed up to clink flutes with the President. By the looks of who showed up, this looks more like the White Castle Correspondents' Dinner. How did some of these trollops get in? I'm sure there were a lot of discarded caterer suits in the back hallway, because that's how most of them snuck in. Flat Stanley is the only bitch who deserved a chair at this dinner!
Okay, okay, some of these hos belonged, but only like 99.999999%. See for yourself. In order: Flat Stanley (with date Ed Westwick), Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Mariska Hargitay, Trudie Styler, Sting, Jon Bon Jovi, Amy Polar Bear, Natasha Bedingfield, Ty Ty Baby, Eva Longwhoria, Ricky Schroeder, Tommy Girl, a middle-aged alien robot wearing one of Barbara Bush's old ones, Kara DioSTFU, James Franco, Chace Crawford (who can't believe he's that close to boobies), Glenn Close, the baddest Monday-To-Friday-er in the room Samuel L. Jackson, Natalie Porkme, a tranny zombie wearing a blonde wig and STAINS' twin brother. See what I mean?
Ed Westwick has made the costumers on the set of Gossip Girl scream, "Why is that fatty fat fat so fucking fat?!" after his fittings. Apparently, Ed is eating too much succulent meat which is causing him to become a founding member of the BBB (Big Beautiful Bass) Club.
A source told InTouch (via MSNBC's The Scoop) that Ed has a little too much junk in his trunk, hood, bumper, fender, headlights, etc... It has become a problem, because the costumers aren't equipped to handle the chunk. The source said, “Ed has been gaining a lot of weight — not just around the waist, but throughout his whole body. First, the costume department had to buy him new, bigger pants. Then, his shirts and jackets got way too snug. The costumers even requested that producers talk to Ed — they don’t want Chuck to be fat!”
Why not?! Whenever I see Chuck Bass, I always think to myself that he would look so much hotter with a giant cream puff or sausage stuffed into his mouth. Come to think of it, everyone on Gossip Girl would look a whole lot more attractive with pastries and shit in their mouths. They should make everyone gain weight! Ratings would sky rocket! I mean, we can already see skinny annoying twinks making out on any other network, but where can see see two honey-baked hams go at it? And don't say Claim Jumpers on a Friday night.