Last night's season finale of Saturday Night Live was filled with a bunch of Bye, Bitch! moments. Fred Armisen said farewell with a song. My eyeballs said farewell to my sockets when they rolled out of there while watching Kanye perform. Bill Hader said goodbye by almost crying at the end. And Stefon went out with an (almost) marital bang from The Silver Fox.
Because Stefon just couldn't wait around for Seth Meyers to stop ignoring their love, he left Weekend Update to marry Anderson Cooper in front of dozens of club kids. If they're ever going to make a remake of The Graduate, Stefon, the Silver Fox and Seth Meyers should star in it.
Yes, it's true that Seth and Stefon belong together, but who in the hell leaves Anderson Cooper at the altar? Isn't that against the law? I'd sell my entire family to the Russian mafia to get the Silver Fox to wink at me (with his brown eye, of course) and Stefon runs out on his ass without even thinking about it? But I guess, such is the mystery of Stefan.
And since NBC is still prejudiced against non-US countries, I don't think you can watch the skit above if your IP isn't an American citizen. But the only thing you need to know is that Stefon doesn't kiss Seth and he doesn't kiss the Silver Fox. I know, they should do the skit over again, but with more tongue this time.
The Silver Fox is in Cleveland right now to cover the horrifying case of three (and possibly four or more) women who were kidnapped and help captive in a basement for a decade, and yesterday he talked to America's new favorite storyteller and the women's rescuer: Charles Ramsey.
Charles basically told Anderson Cooper the same thing he told other reporters. He never saw Amanda Berry before he rescued her and he never knew that the neighbors he had ribs with and listened to salsa music with was a fucked up psychopath. Charles, who is new to the neighborhood, says that at first he thought Amanda Berry was part of a domestic dispute, but he quickly realized that something in the milk was fucked up and he had to help her. Charles also said that the 911 operator acted like a moron (I co-sign) and he waved away all talk of getting a reward. Charles pulled out his paycheck stub and told his new bro, Anderson Cooper, that he's got a job and any reward money should go to the victims.
Okay, who's going to start a Kickstarter to get science to clone Charles Ramsey? There's more than 10 members of the Kartrashian Klan, so we have to clone fast. And we have to keep cloning until we're living in a world where there's more Ramseys than Kartrashians.
When the Silver Fox asked Charles Ramsey if he feels like a hero, he said:
"No, no, no. Bro, I'm a Christian, an American, and just like you. We bleed same blood, put our pants on the same way. It's just that you got to put that - being a coward, and I don't want to get in nobody's business. You got to put that away for a minute."
Charles has gotten two things wrong: Yes, he's a hero and no, he doesn't bleed the same blood as the Silver Fox. If Charles said that to you or me, he'd be right. But Anderson Cooper bleeds liquefied silver rainbows and he doesn't even put his own pants on. When he pulls himself out of his bed of clouds in the morning, tiny elves on scaffolding build a pair of pants made of diamond fabric right onto his legs. But other than that, Charles Ramsey speaks the real truth.
Matt Lauer's Today show contract with NBC doesn't end until 2014, but the head bitches at the network want him to pack up all his shit and get out as soon as possible since everybody wants to repeatedly punch their TV when his face comes on the screen. NBC has apparently talked to Matt Lauer about leaving the show early and they've had talks with possible replacements including The Silver Fox (seen above as The Light Brown Slightly New Wave-ish Fox).
Deadline said last night that NBC had a meeting with Anderson Cooper about getting up at the walk of shame hour (aka like 3am) to co-host Today and he was into it. NBC wants The Silver Fox to replace Matt Lauer by the end of the year. When the executives at NBC asked Matt what he thought about the Silver Fox replacing him, he pretty much took three shits on that idea and then he personally called Anderson Cooper and took another three shits on that idea. Deadline's source said that Anderson was sort of shocked by Matt whining about how he doesn't want him to take the job, because he thought Matt was in on the replacement discussions from the start. But....
TMZ is hearing some different crap. They're hearing that Matt never called Anderson and that Matt is actually into the idea of Anderson replacing his smug ass. Matt even wants to talk to Anderson face-to-face about the job.
The good news is that I lost about 0.0004 pounds from all the eye rolling calisthenics I did while reading that story at TMZ. I totally believe that Matt farted all over The Silver Fox's parade and I totally believe that Matt Liar called TMZ and told them he didn't.
Nobody wants Matt Lauer, but apparently everybody wants Anderson Cooper. Not only is NBC trying to get a piece of his ass, but he also shot a pilot with Kathy Griffin for CNN.
I am totally into Anderson Cooper replacing Matt Lauer and I am totally into his CNN show with Kathy Griffin, but only if they replace Decatur Guthrie (or whatever her name is) with Grumpy Cat and replace Kathy Griffin with....Grumpy Cat. What I'm saying is that The Silver Fox and Grumpy Cat should be cloned so they can host everything together.
If you read that as "America's Sweetfarts," that works too!
Anderson Cooper's talk show ends in just a few months, but he should take a bow early, because he will never get a more important or famous guest than the guest he had on Friday's show: Grumpy Cat (born name: Tardar Sauce)! Grumpy Cat, who is looking more and more like my abuelita at every children's birthday party she went to, finally made a thousand dreams come true by meeting The Silver Fox. Anderson tried to put on his best grumpy pussy face while posing with Tardar Sauce and well, he shouldn't quit his job to become a Grumpy Cat impersonator anytime soon. He tried, but he looks more like Constipated Fox than Grumpy Cat. He kind of looks like the soft part of his sugar walls got poked hard by a peen and he's not sure if he's into it.
With all that being said, I'm still going to print out this picture, throw a veil on it and marry it in a quickie wedding at the courthouse. I don't know for sure if human-paper marriage is legal in California or not, but Kris Humphries did marry a water damaged piece of cardboard here, so I'm guessing it is.
And here's Grumpy Cat not giving three fucks while hanging out with The Silver Fox.
via Instagram (Thanks to everyone who sent this in)
When I first saw these pictures last night, I cringed so hard I turned straight for a quick second before turning gay again. The sight of The Silver Fox putting his mouth on Madge while she was dressed like a cub scout made my sexuality spin a full 360 degrees and back again. All of Anderson Cooper's big gay dreams came true last night when he accepted the Vito Russo Award from Scoutmaster Madge at the GLAAD Awards in NYC last night. Every coconut flake on my Samoa burnt, curled and fell off.
Madge came to the GLAAD Awards dressed in complete cub scout drag to let the Boy Scouts of America know that as long as they stay anti-gay, she'll never enroll Baby Brahim in their organization. (Click here to see Madge's speech.) Madge is kind of giving me a "Little Debbie's memaw in a remake of Troop Beverly Hills" vibe. Speaking of Troop Beverly Hills, I know the Girl Scouts and the Boy Scouts are totally different, but Madge still missed an opportunity to do a disco remix version of COOKIE TIME! That really would've given the GLAAD Awards the ultimate gay moment it needed.
And here's Anderson getting himself a mouthful of Madge while accepting his award last night:
You know that part where he thanks his partner Benjamin? Yeah, I already dubbed over that to make him say, "my stalker Michael K."
My New Year's Eve was pretty dreary. I'm under the weather, so my beloved and I spent the evening on the couch, listlessly staring at the television and eating Christmas candy. That was until we happened upon Kathy Griffin trying to get a rise (literally) out of the Silver Fox by crouching down to blow him. A lot. If those two hadn't been amusing the world last night, I would have gone to bed early.
I can only imagine that Kathy's CNN NYE contract must look like this:
"The undersigned will do anything and everything within her power to disrupt the broadcast enough that co-host Anderson Cooper will be unable to stop giggling uncontrollably while having to protect his genitals from Kathy's ravenous mouth."
It was a non-stop party for those two last night. Kathy mentioned Kim K.'s vagina, shit on Honey Boo-Boo, shit on Taylor Swift, shit repeatedly on Ryan Seacrest, tried to make it rain on the crowd with a wad of cash causing Anderson to have to physically restrain her, and accused Anderson of having pet names for his cock and balls (including "his Christmas presents" and "his taffy"). And the coup de grace was, after watching a broadcast from Maine in which the townsfolk kiss a giant fish after it gets dropped at midnight, Kathy deciding she wanted to kiss Anderson's personal giant fish. Bitch kept stooping to conquer his crotch with her maw! Anderson would then have to crouch down to prevent her. Then he had to use a clipboard to stop her progress. She was undeterred, however. Up and down, up and down, they went. Anderson was less terrified when that mob was punching him in the head in Egypt.
And all I could picture was Michael K. hurling his bottle of bottom shelf vodka at the bar television and screaming about how he was going to kill that "dicknosed firecrotch bitch" and demanding his family take him to the airport so he could fly to NYC and defend Mah Boo's groin. A groin meant only for him! Or at least that's what he told the police psychiatrist after the last arrest.
Check out the video of Kathy Griffin's relentless blowjob efforts below.
Anderson Cooper's talk show ends next summer and he's dedicated to stuffing (wink wink) as many innuendos into his show as possible before it leaves TV screens forever. Case in point: The cast of This Is 40 was on and Paul Rudd was talking about his love of pickles while chomping on a pickle when a little tip of his pickle flew out of his mouth and came at The Silver Fox. Paul Rudd then said, "You just got tickled by a pickle." To which The Silver Fox said, "Oooooh, I can't tell you how many times I've said that." You so silly, Andy! Like you've ever topped. Just kidding, I'm sure Anderson meant that literally, because you know he's into some serious food kink like tickling his pieces with a Vlasdick.
Two nights ago, Anderson Cooper was ducking for his life in Gaza. Yesterday, Anderson Cooper was scratching at a hater on Twitter. And today, Anderson Cooper declared he's a "stuffing man" and giggled as two morning time drunks filled his crack with a sticky substance. I can't wait for Anderson Live's Thanksgiving episode where he'll scream, "Pull it out harder! It's so tight in there!", as Andy Cohen tries to yank the plastic giblets bag out of the turkey.
On Anderson Live today, the morning show version of Sonja Morgan and Ramona Singer, Hoda and Kathie Lee, were on and they all got boozed up before talking about turkey. Andy turned down a breast from Kathie Lee, because he's more of a "stuffing man." Andy tried to act like he doesn't know what that means, but please. We all know that his Adam4Adam username is "StuffingMan." During another segment (clip below), Kathie Lee took out a long, white stick and used it to fill his cleavage with something sticky. And yes, that sticky stuff dribbled down his face.
What more is there to say? Andy can seriously make a whole lot of money by selling the transcript of each episode as soft-core literary porn. I thought I was hard up, but now I know I'm seriously hard up, because I'm actually getting the tingles from innuendo porn co-starring Kathie Lee.
On MahBoo 369me tonight, Anderson Cooper's beautiful, angelic face will be splattered with loads of salty liquid as he chases Hurricane Sandy on the Jersey Shore and my beat, demonic face will be covered in salty tears, because Telepictures has kicked my emotions right in the taint by canceling Anderson Live! And yet, Jeff Probst still breathes on daytime TV. This life ain't right.
The New York Times says that after its second season ends, Anderson Live will be cremated and its ashes will be turned into a diamond ring that the Silver Fox will wear on his pinky, so he'll never forget the days when he was a daytime talk show star. After the first season of Anderson's talk show delivered lukewarm ratings, they re-vamped it by bringing in co-hosts and changing the set. It didn't work. Anderson will stop making new shows this summer and there won't be a third season. The Silver Fox said this to the NY Times:
“I am very proud of the work that our terrific staff has put into launching and sustaining our show for two seasons, I am grateful to Telepictures for giving me the opportunity, and I am indebted to the audience, who have responded so positively. I look forward to doing more great shows this season, and I’m sorry we won’t be continuing, but I have truly enjoyed it.”
If the success of TV shows weren't measured by ratings, but were instead measured by how many hos fap to it, then Anderson Live would be the number one show in the country! Okay, the number one show in California! Okay, the number one show in Los Angeles! Okay, the number one show in my apartment! But in all seriousness, maybe this shit is for the best. I know Anderson is a serious journalist and wanted to bring us serious news like updates on Tan Mom, but when I watched him go spray tanning with that piece of wookie trash Snooki, it hurt me. I don't want to see my Silver Fox like that.
Never mind that Silver Fox stalker Andy Cohen secretly took this picture while disguised as a potted plant in Anderson Cooper's office, we should all let an extra exhale not that we know that Honey Boo Boo is always watching over Mah Boo. Nobody puts Honey Boo Boo in the corner, except for Mah Boo, because she's kind of distracting.
via The Instagram House of Andy Cohen (Thanks, Ross)