E! confirmed through multiple "sources" last week that Beyonce, Jay-Z and the rest of the world will soon be graced by another infinite holy one of eternal light, because they said a fetus checked into her womb. But apparently, Old Man Ebro of Hot 97 (via Kid Fury) heard straight from the
horse's camel's mouth that Beyonce is not pregnant with baby Lavender Flytrap Carter. Old Man Ebro is e-mail friends with Jay-Z and he sent J a congratulatory e-mail a few days ago. Jay-Z responded back with this:
“It’s not true. The news is worse than blogs."
The news is worse than the blogs?! That hurts like a hot sauce enema. As a blogger, I've always prided myself on being the absolute worst, so it makes me sad knowing that the head of the Illuminati's New York office thinks the news is trashier than the blogs. I have got to do worser.
The forgotten children of Destiny who aren't already part of Beyonce and Jay-Z's household staff might want to forward their resumes to House of Dereon's human resources department, because they might be looking for a second team of nannies. E!'s sources say that the rumors that Blue Ivy Carter's sibling is baking in a womb right now are true. Apparently, Beyonce is knocked up with a bey-be.
E! didn't have any information other than that. But if this blind item from Blind Gossip is true, then Beyonce is having twins:
This married couple has a fascinating dilemma on their hands!
They tried to get pregnant. After a miscarriage, they went the surrogate route. The surrogate produced a happy, healthy baby.
The couple decided that they wanted another child. Logically, they decided to hire a surrogate again. The surrogate got pregnant… but so did the wife!
The couple is totally shocked! Both pregnancies are still very early on, and there is no guarantee that both women will carry to term, so there will no announcements for a while. But they are already talking about the possibilities.
If both women can successfully carry to term, will they keep both children? Admit to a surrogate? Pretend that the wife gave birth to twins? If only the surrogate carries successfully to term, will they admit to the surrogate? Pretend that the wife gave birth?
It certainly is an interesting dilemma!
If they have twins, they can name one Red Vines and the other one White Fern. Red, White and Blue! All the colors of the
American Cuban flag!
This is what it would look like if Madame Maxime and Hagrid got really drunk and high one night and accidentally drank a potion, which turned her into a soulless, regular-sized Death Eater and him into a gay, beardless giant. What's even more terrifying are those twin pillars of vomit on Andre Leon Talley's hooves. ALT probably thought that he was fancying up those dark-sided Lucifer boots by monogramming his initials onto them. Nice try, Gay Hagrid, but a monogrammed pile of nut-embedded hyena shit is still a pile of nut-embedded hyena shit.
Actually, monogramming them is worse, because it's telling the world that you're claiming those horrifying boots made from the intestines of Satan's slaves. If they weren't monogrammed, ALT could say that the Illuminati kidnapped his entire family and made him spread the evil by wearing those UGGs. I might believe that story. But the fact that his initials are on them tells me that he's actually proud to wear the Ninth Circle's boot of choice. I barely even noticed ALT's purple silk pajama pants and the oversized Christmas tree skirt on his body, which shows you the evil power of UGGs. And Anna Wintour is smirking, which means she's totally in on it. Evil whores, the both of them.
You better cleanse your screen with holy water wipes as soon as you click away from this mess.
And here's others at The Great Gatsby premiere in NYC last night. They're all unholy bitches for not throwing holy water at ALT's UGGs when they had the chance. In order: Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Carey Mulligan, Isla Fisher, Florence Welch, Tobey Maguire with his wife (the hell kind of toddler church outfit is she wearing?), Baz Luhrmann with Catherine Martin, Jay-Z, Anjelica Huston, Martha Stewart (wearing her favorite sequined capri leggings) and Joel Edgerton.
Paris is currently being cleansed the ethereal light shooting off of the chosen one's invisible halo, because Blue Ivy Carter is there with Beyonce and Jay-Z and all of them ate food at a restaurant today. B.I.C. is barely 1 years old and she's already taller than Kevin Hart (but who isn't?), which means that she's going to be at least 8 feet tall. That's the way nature intended her to be, because then she can really look down at the peons below her. And I'm sure everybody who publishes these pictures will soon get a letter from Blue Ivy Carter's lawyers, because I see her throwing a "you know I have to approve these pictures before you publish, right?" side-eye. Just like her mom!
And this is what Kanye's face looks like when he's with Kim Kartrashian:
Kanye West ranted about how Jay-Z's song with Justin Timberlake Suit & Tie should really be called Shit & Die, but his opinion didn't break them up and Jay-Z is still Kanye's third real love (his first being himself and his second being his MacBook Air). When Kanye saw Jay-Z coming out of a car in SoHo yesterday, he lit up like Givenchy just gave him a year supply of leather skirts. He lit up like he does when he sees his own reflection in the mirror over his bed in the morning. He lit up like I'd light up if I found a stash of weed in a bag of Andy Capp Hot Fries. Kanye was so happy he could've farted out his Hermes butt plug.
And then later, when he met up with Kim his happy face melted into a sad face. Kanye looked like someone just pooted on his MacBook Air. He looked like someone said "SIKE!" after telling him that Givenchy just offered him a year supply of leather skirts. He was the saddest Gay Fish in all the land. Okay, he might've smiled like once when he was with Kim, but we all know why that happened:
So, Kim, when Kanye cracks a smile around you, it's only because he's thinking of Jay, bitch. He's thinking of Jay...
Beyonce and Jay-Z want us all to think that President Obama makes them friendship bracelets in their spare time and when he's feeling lonely, he clutches half of the Friends Forever necklace they gave him and thinks of them. Jay-Z bragged in his song "Open Letter" about getting White House clearance to go to Cuba, but Obama said otherwise and put those name-dropping hos in their place.
Because she's a serious journalist, Today's Savannah Guthrie asked Obama the question that's on everyone's mind: What does he think about Jay-Z's song and is it true he gave them permission to go to Cuba? (Ann Curry would NEVER. Actually, Ann Curry probably would.) Obama told Savannah that Bey-Z's trip to Cuba is bronchitis to his Sweet Brown. He ain't got time for that.
"I wasn't familiar that they were taking the trip. My understanding is I think they went through a group that organizes these educational trips down to Cuba..... You know, this is not something the White House was involved with. We've got better things to do."
He told them. How I wish that right after he said that last line, he popped open a fan and fanned himself Kenya Moore-style.
In possibly related news, a letter sent to Obama tested positive for the poison ricin. They better check to see if that letter was postmarked from the basement, because I don't even want to know what Basement Baby had to do to earn a day pass to go to Coachella this past weekend.
Don't mess with The Camel or he'll spit at you in a track. Jay-Z released a new song called "Open Letter" where he tries to drag his haters for bitching about his trip to Cuba and bitching about him selling his one-fifteenth of 1% share of the Nets. Jay-Z also calls himself the "Bob Dylan of rap" and raps about how Obama told him to chill. If the planet is feeling a little extra suffocating today, it's because Jay-Z's ego just got 500 tons bigger.
Miss Info says that Jay-Z thought it was gross that CNN was spending more time covering his trip to Cuba than North Korea attacking our asses (uh huh, you know he massaged his balls while watching all that coverage of his trip) so he recorded a response song late last night. In "Open Letter," Jay-Z whine raps about how a couple of politicians want to punish him and Beyonce for going to Cuba.
I done turned Havana to Atlanta
Boy from the hood but got White House clearance
Sorry y'all, I don't agree with y'all appearance
Politicians never did shit for me
Except lie to me, distort history
Wanna give me jail time and a fine
Fine, let me commit a real crime
I'm in Cuba, I love Cubans
This communist talk is so confusing
When it's from China, the very mic that I'm using
Idiot wind, the Bob Dylan of rap music
You're an idiot baby, you should become a student
Oh, you gonna learn today
Since Jay-Z had the mic in front of him, he kept going and continued to stroke his own dick when rapping about selling his share in the Nets.
Hear the freedom in my speech
Got an onion from Universal, read it and weep
Would've brought the Nets to Brooklyn for free
Except I made millions off it, you fuckin' dweeb
I still own the building, I'm still keeping my seat
Y'all buy that bullshit, you'd better keep your receipt
And finally, Jay-Z rapped about Obama's response to the Cuba shit:
Obama said chill, you gonna get me impeached
But you don't need this shit anyway
Chill with me on the beach
So there you go. Jay-Z is the king of the world, Obama made him a friendship bracelet, nobody can touch him and blah blah queef blah blah... We know, we know. While all of us roll our eyes to the right and to the left, Jay-Z's other best friend forever Goopy Paltrow is probably silently weeping into the morning cup of decaffeinated air she drinks every day, because not one of those lyrics is about her. What about Goop?!
I haven't really covered Beyonce and Jay-Z's controversial trip to Cuba, because who really gives a shit and this is coming from a ho who would live-blog Basement Baby's trip to Tijuana if she took one. Anyway, some politicians in Florida jumped out of their chonies about this and are trying to get the Treasury Department to find out if Beyonce and Jay-Z broke the embargo. The Treasury Department said that they ok'd their trip to Cuba, but they wouldn't say why (SPOILER ALERT: Beyonce and Jay-Z got an approval letter from their dad Obama.) Billboard says that Beyonce and Jay-Z's trip was arranged by Academic Arrangements Abroad, a New York-based educational company that offers group travel to Cuba.
Send "The Jayz's" (copyright: Dionne Davenport) the Guantanamo! Better yet, let's punish them by making them take the freeway over and over again.
Here's the two investors in communism strolling around Cuba a few days ago. I think I'm more concerned by the fact that shameless Beyonce has taken her copy+paste act way too far by stealing clothes from Basement Baby's dirty laundry basket.
The Summer's Eve Douche Death Match between Justin Timberlake and Kanye West went into round 2 last night on SNL when Justin grabbed Kanye's kilt and dragged that trick's ass along the floor for talking shit about "Suit & Tie."
At his show in London last month, Kanye Kardashian fired the first shot during one of his eye roll-inducing rants when he said, "I got love for Hov, but I ain't fucking with that 'Suit & Tie.'" Coming from a trick who's fucking with a Kardashian, that's a compliment. So Justin should've flipped his head the other way and ignored Gay Fish, but since he can't resist a good old-fashioned douche off, he fired back last night. While performing "Suit & Tie" with Jay-Z (click here if you need to see it), the Robin Thicke impersonator sang out this lyric:
"My hits so sick/Got rappers acting dramatic."
This beef is nowhere near as entertaining as LaDouche vs. Baldwin, but I still love it when two catty queens try to yank the plugs out of each other's asses. I'm sure Kanye will come back and try to slap the Dark & Lovely out of Justin's hair. I'm not on Team Gay Fish and I'm not on Team Timberlake, but I still can't wait for their next meeting in the ladies room.
Here's some pictures of Justin and Jessica Biel outside of the SNL after-party last night and also some pictures of Jessica trying to stir up the pregnancy rumors by wearing some maternity shit yesterday afternoon.
Justin Timberlake released the David Fincher directed video for his song "Suit & Tie" on Valentine's Day, because, duh, he's a crooning cupid of love and when he opens his mouth, musical arrows shoot out and directly hit the g-spot in your ears. In the video that makes me appreciate Robin Thicke's act a whole lot more, Justin Timberlake eats cereal with Jay-Z, auditions for a community theater production of Jersey Boys, dances in a stage puddle ala Umbrella and ends it by doing the Mad Men opening credits fall.
Listening to this wreck of a song hurt me less than watching The Love Guru while sober did, so I guess that's a good thing. And Justin Timberlake's freshly relaxed locks are growing me. There's just something about a grown white man stocking up on boxes of Dark & Lovely at Rite-Aid.