PHELPS!!!

New Year's Eve started early in Cabo San Lucas! Here's a pic that Stacy Kiebler tweeted of Michael Phelps and herself playing a friendly little game of beer pong with the message “Dominating. #TeamBaltimore #geometry m_phelps00 #goodtimes.”

Gossip Cop says half of Hollywood is in Cabo right now, including George "I came for the Phelps" Clooney, Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux, Jimmy Kimmel, Emily Blunt and Molly McNearney. But none of them know how to party like a frat boy like these two. I guess the multi-talented Phelps can swim AND drink like a fish!! That is truly bringing home the gold. And you know Stacy's ass can put away some booze, like she does every night while she writes "Mrs. Stacy Clooney" over and over in fancy script on tear stained paper.

My question is, how long did it take Phelps to figure out that Stacey had asked him to play "pong" and not "bong"?? I wonder how many times he tried to light his beer. "This shit is too wet, and where the hell is the carb??" -Phelps.

Happy New Year! I say we all do like Stacy and Michael and start getting our drunk on NOW.

No, seriously, is it?? Probably not, but ever since Ryan Lochte admitted to playing the wrong kind of watersports in the pool and Michael Phelps nodded his agreement, I'm obsessed with knowing just where Olympic swimmers draw the bodily function line. Is snot okay?? Of course spit is, but what if there's a little more than spit going on there? What about jizz? Okay, I'll stop there and yes I've given this way too much thought and I didn't want to take that terrifying journey alone so I forced you all along. You're welcome.

The actual point to this post - yes, there really is a point - is to show you sluts Louis Vuitton's latest ad, featuring THE MEDAL WINNINGEST OLYMPIAN OF ALL TIMEZ (USA!!!). The ad (from E!) shows Phelps soaking in his Speedos like we all do in the tub and not giving a fuck (a fart quite possibly, but not a fuck) if his super rich retiring AT 27 ass splashes bath water all over his LV duffle bag.

And when MK sent me this link, he said "They should have put the bag over his head instead." *sigh* MK always says it better!

The stoner of the sea Michael Phelps was on Today this morning to talk about the bong photo Tony the Tiger did not approve of. Phelps apologized. I wish he would quit saying he's sorry for that shit and instead apologize for those damn grizzly bushbrows. How does he swim with two big ass beavers laying over his eyes (sounds sexy)? Obviously, he needs to light up the bong more. Sooner or later, the flame will shoot up too high and do Phelps a favor by singeing those things off.

Anyineedawakeandbake, Neptune's son said sowwy to all those he hurt, "It was-- really, you know, the people I hurt, you know, is my family, clearly. My friends. The close people around me. And most importantly, the fans. And-- and, you know, I realize that that hurt a lot of people."

The people he "hurt" need to heal their pain with a big bowl of green flakes. It works every time. My "doctor" recommends it!

Phelpsie said when the picture was taken he was just "celebrating" with a small group of people. It wasn't some big ass college party, but just a small gathering of people who sat around and "celebrated." I like that. The next time you get baked like a Duncan Hines brownie and a bitch gives you the side-eye, say, "Shut those eyes up, I'm celebrating!" Celebrating the gift of the leaf! That is a reason to celebrate.

The baked dolphin went on to say that he trusted everyone in the room and didn't think some dumb ass rat would take advantage of him like that, "I trusted my friends who were there about who they were. And clearly they weren't trusted people... Sometimes you learn the hard way."

When the picture hit the world, Phelpsie immediately protected his money and called up all his sponsors to apologize. All of them, except for Kelloggs, were cool, but Phelpsie is fine with that. He added, "It's not about money to me. So, you know, the -- the contract side of things, yeah, I was disappointed. But, you know, I think the biggest thing is-- is who I hurt the most. Like, if I lost money, okay. It's not an issue with me."

Um. He does realize that you need a little green to buy the green? Doesn't he? Weed doesn't grow on....oh...wait.

So now that Phelps has apologized yet again, he should put his lips over his bong friend and have a Chico's kind of day (which involves lots and lots of toking).

VIA OK Magazine!

Sheriff Leon Lott of Columbia, SC has finally taken the stick out of his ass and smoked it up, because bitch is chilling out with the whole Michael Phelps investigation. Sheriff Lott said in a press conference this afternoon that he won't file any charges against the God of the Sea based on that picture of him taking a bong hit. Sheriff Lott said, "Having thoroughly investigated this matter, we do not believe we have enough evidence to prosecute anyone that was present at the November party."

Sheriff Lott should change him name to Sheriff Obvious. Fucking duh. I bet this ho and his gang of morons just used this shit to get a hold of as much weed as they can for themselves. That's why police officers love donuts so much! No judgments here.

But seriously, the stoners of the world should unite and form their own investigation to find the twatty who sold the pictures of Phelpsie blowing a bong to The News of the World. That traitor must pay! Punishment: a lifetime without the green. That's basically a lifetime of sadness.

You know how Sheriff Lott of Columbia, SC said he was going to investigate the whole "Michael Phelps' putting his lips on a bong" thing? The stupid bitch wasn't telling lies. Not only is his office investigating that shit, but they have made 8 arrests and confiscated THE BONG!!!

OK! says that the bong owner wasn't even at the party at the time Phelpsie took a hit, but he was also arrested and charged. The moron got caught because he was trying to sell that shit on eBay for around $100,000. Only a weed head would come up with that price. Wait. But it did have dolphin boy's saliva all over it? Clone ten of him and enter them all in the Olympics! It would be like winning the lottery ten times!

Anystony, seven whores who were at the party at the time were charged with drug possession and one was charged with distribution. Michael Phelps is handcuff-free so far, but Sheriff Lott is still building a case.

This is the dumbest fucking shit I've ever heard. If you can be charged with a crime based on pictures, videos and other dumb stuff, then I might as well tattoo "Property of Fill in the Blank" on my ass, because it's off to the chokey I go. And I'm sure you can smoke weed all you want in there without a bitch bothering you about it!

Image VIA NOTW

I finally got a clue. If I'm going to go on and on about Michael Phelps, then I should finally post a picture of the real Phelps hotness: DEBBIE in a glamorous Chico's ensemble! Speaking of, it might be a Chico's kind of day for Debbie, because Subway released a statement saying they weren't going to throw Michael's bong-loving ass away.

This is what they said (via UsWeekly): "Like most Americans, and like Michael Phelps himself, we were disappointed in his behavior. Also like most Americans, we accept his apology. Moving forward, he remains in our plans."

Bitches probably got inundated with voicemails from lazy-tongued stoners threatening to boycott their shit if they don't make things right. A sober bitch will give anything to stop a baked motherfucker from yapping, so Subway probably just said "fuckit." Besides, IN THIS ECONOMY they can't afford to piss off a group who regularly get the munchies. They should capitalize on that shit and put out a "stoner's special" and double the price. When you're riding high on the green cloud, you will trade in your earlobes for a little bit of deliciousness wrapped in bread.

(Internal monologue: Resist obvious dick joke... Resist obvious dick joke... Resist obvious dick joke)

Foot-Long Phelps has already lost his big Kellogg deal because he sucked on a bong and now Subway may be next pimp to quit that whore. BuzzNews (via Gawker) says they are hearing rumors that Subway is about to leave the station without Phelspie on their fucking train. Subway has already erased any signs of Neptune's son from their website. Subway's other celebrity whores are still on the website, but Phelps' name has suddenly disappeared.

A source said that legal team is trying to figure out how to get out of the deal and get their endorsement cash back. Phelps and Subway's marriage contract expires in 2012.

Endorsement money back? Please. Phelpsie probably smoked that up a while ago.

I'm not surprised Subway is pulling this shit. They are a bunch of shady bitches. I stopped going to Subway when the dumb bitch making my sandwich gave me the side-eye when I told her to warm that shit up a bit in the microwave. I took my sandwich money to Quiznos and that's who should call up Phelps! It's a perfect match. I can already see the slogan:

"Michael Phelps is always baked, just like our sandwiches!"

File this under: this shit makes me want to wake 'n bake! That's the truth. So, Kellogg has quit Michael Phelps over that measly picture of him taking a bong hit. I hope the evil slut who sold that picture never enjoys a ride on the green cloud the same way again.

AND USA Swimming also got in on the Stoner Phelps H8ING action yesterday by suspending him for 3 months without pay. Don't worry. He'll be able to support his herbal goodness since I'm sure she has a kazillion dollars in his checking account already.

The USA Swimming issued this stupid statement: "This is not a situation where any anti-doping rule was violated, but we decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero. Michael has voluntarily accepted this reprimand and has committed to earn back our trust."

Michael won't really miss any swim time fun. His suspension will end right before the World Swimming Championships in Rome, so dolphin boy will be able to compete in that shit.

Now back to Kellogg. Tony the Tiger is DEAD to me. That bitch has the audacity to pull that shit! I'm sure pictures of him freebasing with Thai tranny hookers are floating around and I must find that shit, so he knows what it feels like. And Tony is a total damn pothead. A self-hating one! We all know it. Only stoners say shit like "grrrreeeeat!" Fuck that stupid ass tiger! Bitch needs to take off that gay ass scarf and smoke on that! Dumb pussy.

Furthermore, I will not be using Kellogg products to satisfy my high munchies any fucking more. I will be using some generic brand of corn flakes to make another version of the delicious white trash nachos (microwaved corn flakes and cheddar cheese). Those motherfuckers are stupid. Their demographic is probably children and stoners! Phelps needs to swim on over to the Frito-Lay company. They would pay him in green leaves, because they know what's up.

Michael Phelps really just needs to take another hit and stop talking about this BONGGATE '09 crapola (<--- shout to Top Chef's Carla). Flipper's long-lost cousin gave an interview to The Baltimore Sun (via USA Today) where he said he is considering not competing in the 2012 Olympics because of this stupid scandal.

Michael said, "This is a decision of mine that I'm not going to make today and I'm not going to make tomorrow. It's going to require a lot of time and energy and a lot of thinking for myself - but also talking to Bob and talking to my family and just deciding what I want to do. If I decide to walk away, I'll decide to walk away on my own terms. If it's now, if it's four years, who knows. But it is something I need to think about and decide what I want to do."

Doesn't he mean swim away really fast? You know, he should just give it all up and quit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that Olympic shit. Fuck that splashing around in the pool shit. Fuck gold medals. FUCKIT. Michael needs to hit Taco Bell, order everything on the menu and then bring his bong over here. We'll spend every day toking and nacho-ing (made up word of the day!). Dolphin bitch should also bring over those 14 gold medals. Come hell or high bongwater, we'll find a way to smoke those things up.

Here's Phelpsi already sporting a little stoner 'do while leaving practice in Baltimore.

While butt rapists and memaw beaters roam the streets, Sheriff Leon Lott Jr. of Columbia, SC would like to focus on caging merman Michael Phelps for taking a hit of the dark-sided plant known as marijuana. REEFER MADNESS! Phelpsy already said he was sowwy, but that isn't enough for Sheriff Lott!

Sheriff Lott raised his justice fist, flicked his Ken doll hair, flashed his shiny teeth and issued this statement: "If someone breaks the law in Richland County, we have an obligation as law enforcement to investigate and to bring charges. The Richland County Sheriff's Department is making an effort to determine if Mr. Phelps broke the law. If he did, he will be charged in the same manner as anyone else. The Sheriff has a responsibility to be fair, to enforce the law and to not turn a blind eye because someone is a celebrity."

Oh, Sheriff Lott. You need a cuddle and a looooooong bong hit. Let me show you the way. After just one toke, you'll be screaming, "Bongs for Phelps! Bongs for everyone!"

We should also raise a joint and wish Sheriff Lott luck in catching dolphin boy. Even if he gets him into a jail cell, Phelps will use his powerful fins to break through the concrete until he hits water.....and then....well....