The View

On The View this morning, Barbara Walters announced that she will retire from television next summer and she'll never appear on a show full-time again, because she'll be too busy chasing virgins through the woods with Larry King. Now who's going to ask bitches what kind of tree they are? Now who's going to interrupt the other co-hosts on The View? Now who's going to tell us that Snooki is the most fascinating person of the year? Now who's going to get names wrong and lisp out some nonsensical crazy shit? Don't say Elisabeth Hasselcrack, because apparently she's leaving The View too.

As Marcia Cross breathed a sigh of relief over the fact that she won't see Barbara Walter's face on TV anymore, Babawawa said this about quitting the bitch that is TV:

“I have been on television continuously for over 50 years, but in the summer of 2014, a year from now, I plan to retire from appearing on television at all — it has been an absolutely joyful, rewarding, challenging, fascinating and occasionally bumpy ride. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m perfectly healthy, this is my decision, and I have been thinking about it for a long time. This is what i want to do. I will, however, continue as co-executive producer of The View with Bill Getty as long as the program is here. There will be special occasions that I will come back — I’m not walking into the sunset, but I don’t want to appear on another program, I don’t want to climb another mountain. I want instead to sit on a very sunny field and admire other women who will be taking my place and most of all, I want to thank everybody here. I’ve had an amazing career beyond anything I could ever imagined. And I hope I may inspire other women to make television. I smile when some young women say I grew up watching you on TV — it’s their time now. But remember, I have a whole year to go. We have exciting things planned for ABC News and The View and most of all, I want to say hi to all of you who have been watching me for so many years and you have traveled the same road that I have. I thank you, thank you, thank you.”

And Henry Kissinger better watch out, because Barbara now has the time to bone his glasses off. Break out the Astroglide!

via Hollywood Life 

As Whoopi Goldberg and The Tasmanian Devil's twin sister, Sherri Shepherd, tried to contain themselves while screaming NOOOOOOOOOOO on the inside, Barbara Walters announced on The View today that Elisabeth Hasselback will terrorize viewers for as long as she wants to. The rumor was that Elisabeth was put on the curb, because test audiences don't like her and think she's too right wing. But Gossip Cop says that Barbara denied all of this on today's show and told everyone to stop singing "ding dong the Hasselcrack is dead," because the Hasselcrack is very much alive on The View....for now.

"There is a particularly false story that is getting picked up about Elisabeth’s alleged departure, saying we don’t approve of her conservative views. The truth is we love Elisabeth. I like her personally, and she’s a wonderful person. But beyond that, we value and appreciate her point of view. It’s important to us, because Elisabeth helps give the show perspective and balance. And believe me, she’s tougher than she looks. We have no plans for Elisabeth to leave this show. Having said that to all of you, Bill [The View's producer] and I have always said that when one of you makes the choice to leave [we won't stop you]."

Translation: "I'm still waiting for that resignation letter, Hasselcrack."

Barbara also confirmed that Joy Behar is leaving the round table of ridiculousness at the end of this season.

If Hasselcrack did leave The View, guests would have to find another trick to throw side-eyes at and completely ignore. And that somebody would've been Sherri Shepherd, so The Tasmanian Lady Devil should be breathing out ten sighs of relief over the fact that the shrieking blond mouse is staying.

Elisabeth Hasselcrack is out, Joy Behar is out and now there's a rumor that Barbara Walters is also leaving the den of cackling hyenas, because she thinks that with all the changes happening to the show, now would be a good time to take her final bow. Right now, there's two slots to fill (Fun fact: 2Slots2Fill is John Travolta's profile name on Gaydar), but there could be three if Barbara Walters quits that bitch. Showbiz411 says that one of the empty chairs is probably going to go to Brooke Shields. 

When the rumor that Joy Behar was leaving came out, Brooke's name came up as a possibility for her replacement. Brooke's name is apparently sitting at the top of the list and Barbara really wants her. Brooke hasn't yet signed her name in blood on a contract, but she's very close to doing it.

Brooke Shields is smart, articulate and she seems sane, which is why she has no business being on The View! Sane thoughts do not belong on The View. With Joy, Elisabeth and maybe Barbara gone, the insanity levels have dropped and casting Brooke isn't going to bring them up. I want to see meltdowns. I want incoherent rants. I want to see chairs, weaves and fists flying. What I'm saying is that ABC should just cancel The View and instead air backstage footage from Good Morning America of Sam Champion throwing a fit when the tanning bed in his dressing room breaks down.

Memaw Barbara Walters has finally taken her broom and swept Elisabeth Hasselcrack out the front door after 10 years. Yesterday, Joy Behar announced that she's pulling her ass off the second chair at The View after 16 and-a-half years, because sometimes getting paid millions of dollars to do the easiest job ever gets boring. Today, both Deadline and UsWeekly say that Whoopi Goldberg, Sherri "The German" Shepherd and Memaw Walters can finally pull the plugs out of their ears, because Elisabeth Hasselcrack's shrieking yammering will no longer be heard on The View. Elisabeth is following Joy right out the door.

Even though a spokeswhore for The View denies that Elisabeth has been given a pink slip, UsWeekly is hearing that she was dumped after test audiences said that watching a foreskin cleaning would be more pleasant than watching her. One source said:

"The viewers they polled all said she was too extreme and right wing. People did not watch the show because of Elisabeth. So they told her yesterday her contract would not be renewed."

Did they poll a bunch of people who just woke up from being in a coma for over 10 years? How did they just figure this out? But whatever, what's Barbara's trash is Fox News' newest treasure!

And here's my choices for Hasselcrack's replacement:

1. Ann Coulter, because I really want to see Whoopi lunge at her from across the table. I mean, we've all been waiting for a battle between Guinan and a malnourished Klingon.

2. Michele Bachmann, because she'd just mindlessly gaze at the camera and eventually all the other co-hosts would use her to lay their coats on the same way you use the treadmill in your bedroom to hang your coat on.

3. Callista Gingrich's hair.

Joy Behar, quit The View today after being on it since episode one, because she says she wants to focus on her stand-up career or whatever. Hmmm, I'm trying to figure out which is the better option:

1. Make a mountain of money to talk shit while sitting in a comfortable chair a few hours a day, four days a week.

or

2. Get out of bed in the morning knowing that you don't have to look at Elisabeth Hasselcrack's annoying face in person that day.

Joy went with option #2 and told Deadline that for almost 17 years she's been one of the hens loudly pecking at the other hens and she's done with it.

“You reach a point when you say to yourself, ‘Do I want to keep doing this?’ There are other things on my plate I want to do — I’ve been writing a play, I’ve been neglecting my standup.

I have a lot of friends [at The View], and I will miss everyone I’ve worked with because we have a family there. It is a smart talk show because somebody of [Barbara's] stature is leading the conversation; Barbara was one of the main reasons I took that job."

Joy's HLN show was dropped into the shit can and her show on Current TV will end once the network gets taken over by Al Jazeera. Joy, who will stay with The View until the summer, is talking to CNN about possibly doing a show there.

Joy's replacement probably won't be announced for a while, but Brooke Shields and Alexandra Wentworth are supposedly talking to the producers of The View about taking that second chair. Brooke Shields and Alexandra Wentworth? Nope. They might as well replace Joy with an over-boiled piece of cauliflower if they're thinking of replacing her with Brooke Sheilds and Alexandra Wentworth. Here's my top 5 choices for Joy's replacement:

1. Tan Mom
2. Rosie O'Donnell (but only if The View agrees to not let her bear handlers try to tame her when she jumps on Elisabeth)
3. Tard the Grumpy Cat
4. A shark who only eats blondes
5. Jon Hamm's Hammaconda

or The View can just pretend that Joy Behar never left and put Fred Armisen as Joy in the second chair every day.

We'll never know the difference.

Some hos who really know me know that nothing takes me higher like a highly important story about butt burps, so a few emails with the subject "WHOOPI JUST FARTED ON THE VIEW" farted their way into my inbox after I watched Whoopee ALLEGEDLY let out a loud air kiss through her asshole. But I need to see receipts! Unless Whoopi's got a mic clipped to her anus lips (very possible) or her butt boom traveled all the way to her mic, I don't think we'd able to hear her fart that clearly. It looks to me like Whoopi was about to ask Claire Danes a question when her lips got twisted and made a BRAARRGHGHGH noise. Then Whoopi played it off like it came out of her ass. The View's spokeswhore said that it was just joke and Whoopi only pretended it came from her. How low can Whoopi go?! Bitch is asslip-synching now? If we can't trust Whoopi to give us an authentic fart, how can we trust her at all?

That said, that fart-like sound was way more interesting than anything that has come out of Elisabeth Hasselcrack's mouth, so they should just play that sound every time she talks.

And if you need me, I'll be making room on my living room shelf for all the Pulitzer Prizes I'm going to get for this post. More like Pullmyfingeritzer Prizes.

via HuffPoot

Last year on his show, Bill Maher joked that we should send Elisabeth Hasselbeck to Egypt in exchange for Lara Logan, the CBS News reporter who was raped there. Cut to this morning on The View, Elisabeth picked out the bone shoved up her ass and tried to slap Bill's hands with it for offending her so. Elisabeth kept yapping and yapping like yorkie trying to jump on the bed and she finally whined Bill into sort of admitting that he shouldn't have said what he said.

If the sound of Elisabeth's voice makes you feel like tiny Satans are fucking you in the ear holes with their curling iron dicks, then read the transcript instead:

EH: I just want to go back to a time that bothered me for not my own personal reason, but just for women. So forgive this idiotic Republican for bringing this to your brilliant mind, but in February of last year, Lara Logan, as you recall, was in Egypt and she was brutally attacked by a mob there. She came back and said, "Their hands raping me over and over again, tearing my body in every direction, trying to tear off chunks of my skull. I was in no doubt in the process of dying." Prior to her coming back, Bill, you on your show said, "Now that Mubarak has released Lara Logan, he must put her intrepid hotness on a plane immediately. In exchange, we'll send Elisabeth Hasselbeck."

Audience: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

EH: Now that's fine if you want to laugh, but I make it my job and my profession.... I sit with incredible comedians and the best in the business in terms of broadcasting. You can't tell me I'm wrong when I say that, err, wasn't that funny.

BM: Well, we do a comedy show for an audience that's perhaps different than your audience and you are a public figure. It was not aimed at you personally, but when you're a public figure you're out there for fodder for comedians to make comments on you.

EH: Do you draw the line ever?

BM: I do draw the line, but I also live on the line. I do a different kind of show. I'm on HBO. That's my stock and trade. You do something different.

Joy: We walk the ledge. You know, it's not easy. You make a joke, sometimes people's feelings get hurt and then they attack us back and we have to....

BM: What you have to know is somebody has to be out on the edge to know where the edge is.

EH: Oh, thanks for being the hero. Would you say that again?

BM: If I knew I was coming here and knew I had to spend my entire segment talking about it, no, I wouldn't.

A little later on after talking about politics shit....

EH: Wow, I actually feel smarter sitting next to you.

BM: Really? I feel like I'm in high school when I'm sitting next to you.

Bill Maher puts the smug in smug, but Elisabeth is as irritating as wiping your ass with a porcupine. Instead of calmly telling Bill that his rape joke wasn't not funny, she had to mean girl him by throwing out her stupid wise cracks. I want to punch my monitor for showing me this, I want to punch my eyes for watching this and I want to punch my ears for listening to her insufferable whine of death.

But I still can't sit on Team Maher, so I'm going to temporarily sit on Team Whoopi instead. When two swollen assholes are blowing cold air at each other, just sit very still and pray they don't see you. Or maybe she's sitting still, because her brain got paralyzed by all the ridiculousness.

via Gossip Cop

Parasite Hilton infected The View earlier this week to whore out her new reality shit show which she says is completely original (false), totally unscripted (false) and shows the real her (true). Wonks says she's this serious business woman and philanthropist now, but the show portrays her for what she really is: a vapid douchehole who makes a dried piece of shit on the sidewalk seem useful. And Barbara Walters sharpened her lisp and went after Wonky about this.

Whoopi and Barbara tag teamed Wonky in a way she's not used to by asking her why she continues to act like a dim cunt when she talks about how she wants to be known for her charity work. Their example was a part in her show The World According To Paris (aka TWAT Pee) when she bitches to her assistant about doing community service and then throws out a sarcastic "awesome' when she finds out she'll be working with prisoners. Stupid ass Wonks stuttered with her eyes and then told Barbara that she's just joking around and playing up for the cameras. This is after she said that her show (which tanked, by the way) is completely real.

Page Six says that after Barbara reamed a new hole into Wonky (she wishes), she and Rick Hilton threw a tantrum in front of the producers about how she was treated. They didn't like the tone of the interview. A producer for The View confirms that Wonky was mad, but didn't get into details.

The truth is, Wonky should be licking on Barbara's ass for putting her on The View in the first place. The fact that she complained about this goes to show you how much of an unaware piece of spoiled shit she is. Kim Kardashian has taken Wonky's corner, so that fuck-nosed, one-eyed skank slut should be flat on her back in a whorehouse in Calcutta, fucking the locals for fish heads and rice (copyright: Angel III). That's the truth!

Out of all the people Elisabeth Hasselcrack could viciously violate by dressing up as for Hallowpeen, she just had to after one of the most influential icons of my childhood: Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan! Where the hell is a vengeful Krystle Carrington and a fountain full of crocodiles or Moldavian terrorists when you really need them?

Whoever came up with this mess of idea wouldn't know Alexis Carrington if she sashayed up to them, tore out one of her shoulder pads with her bare nails and used it to slap them three times in the mouth. Joan Collins is so glamorous that she wears high heels and diamonds when she pees pees, and Elisabeth Hasselcrack is about as glamorous as yogurt. (Disclaimer: I don't know for a fact that Joan Collins actually urinates. This has never been documented as fact. It should still be considered an urban legend for now.)

Bitch looks more like a little boy country mouse dressed in Dollar Tree drag as Bernice from Designing Women. And the stick firmly shoved up Hasselcrack's asshole made it impossible for her to do the "stealing your men, and taking over your companies" strut. HOW DREADFUL. See for yourself in the clip below:

But I can't stay mad at The View. They did give us a deranged Barbara Walters as Rita Hayworth. Yup, Rita Hayworth. More like Jessica Rabbit's memaw who eats bunny rabbits alive!

And no comment about Sherri "The German" Shepherd as Grace Jones.

It's been much too long since we've had a violent hen pecking explosion from The View, so here's a clip from this morning's show of Whoopi Goldberg's and Joy Behar's veins popping out of their bodies to strangle Bill O'Reilly after he said that "Muslims killed us on 9/11."

Whoopi and Joy had to take their asses backstage to chew on a piece of metal held by an assistant (the assistant knew this was coming) so they wouldn't try to chew out Bill's vocal cords with their bare teefs. While they were off doing that, Barbara Walters gently slapped them in the hands with a ruler for storming out of an interview. I fucking love it when Barbara Walters turns into a schoolmarm. More of this!

But in more important news, why does Sherri Shepherd think it's okay to steal Wilma Flinstone's hairdo?

Yabba-Dabba Don't, bitch! But I do appreciate the "Just STFU" side-eye she's throwing at Hasselcrack.