When you look at that picture above, you will probably just assume that one of the devil talons on Madge's labia scratched at Guy Ritchie's eyeball as he worshiped the third eye on her crotch earlier in the day. But the truth is, Guy Richie is throwing us a subtle "I'm going to rob this granny blind" wink. Guy, who got at least $75 million from Madge in the divorce, talked to Details about his marriage with her and he pretty much kept his words on the nice side until he added a slight dig about the fortune she dropped on his gold digging shovel.
DETAILS: You married Madonna when you were still a fledgling director and she was the most famous woman in the world. What was that adjustment like?
Guy Ritchie: I don't know. By the way, I enjoyed my first marriage. It's definitely not something I regret. The experience was ultimately very positive. I love the kids that came out of it, and I could see no other route to take. But you move on, don't you? You're right, I stepped into a soap opera, and I lived in it for quite a long period of my life. I'll probably be more eloquent on it 10 years from now.
DETAILS: What did you learn from that marriage?
Guy Ritchie: When you end up with a lot of the things you set out to chase and find that you've stumbled into all sorts of hollow victories, then you become deeply philosophical. I'm quite happy that that experience was accelerated for me. I'm glad I made money, in other words. And I'm glad I got married.
"I'm glad I made money, in other words" is the new gold digging motto. I would say that quote is like a stab to Madge's chest, but her body is covered in thorny lizard armor so daggers don't penetrate and $75 million is just a mere dingle on the huge ass crack that is her checking account. But really, that quote should be said by every gold digger at every will reading or divorce settlement hearing they attend. When the judge awards them millions and asks for a final word, they should stand up and say, "A wise gold digger once said, 'I'm glad I made money, in other words." It's that beautiful.
Almost everybody who reported on Guy Ritchie's piece being knocked up referred to him as "Madonna's ex." That's like his official title now. Guy's business card must say "MADONNA'S EX" in big bold letters with "...and movie director" printed underneath that in tiny sans balls font. That shit must hurt more than the time the fangs on Madge's vadge bit his tongue during oral. But anyway...
The Daily Mail reports that Guy's 29-year-old model girlfriend of about a year, Jacqui Ainsley, will join every other damn celebrity on this planet by pushing out a BABY!!!!! sometime this year. I swear, by the end of this year we'll have enough umbilical cords to make an escape rope to Venus. Tie that shit together, slip knot the end, lasso it over a crater on Venus and we'll all zip line to a planet that's free of wet burps and baby diarrhea bubbles.
Guy and Jacqui have yet to confirm any of this, but one of her friends is doing it for her. Because that's what friends are for! One had this to say: "Jacqui was crying with joy when she found out. They went on holiday because Guy is desperate for her to take it easy. He won't let her do anything more strenuous than argue over baby names."
Congrats to Guy! Congrats to Jacqui! And congrats to Madge's boy toy who will soon have a new playdate partner!
Here's a few pictures of Guy and Jacqui talking about how they're going to name their baby "FUCKYOUMADGE" a couple of weeks ago.
The Sherlock Holmes premiere was last night in NYC, and this is what Blake Lively wore to that shit.
My space heater is on blast, I've got two pairs of socks on my feet, a heating pad is shoved up in my crack and I'm still cold. So I have to bow down to Blake Lively for not letting something called "weather" fuck with her tramping it up on the red carpet.
I'm sure Blake's vagina is blowing steam and her nipples might have already fell off due to frostbite, but WHO CARES! Cameras are flashing and Blake has a show to put on! Don't let some stupid Snow Miser shit get in the way of you showcasing those chichis!
Other hos, who obviously don't have Blake's dedication, at the premiere were: Jude Law, Robert Downey Jr., Rachel McAdams, Guy Ritchie and Rocco Ritchie.
Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Homeboy: The Hunt for Jude Law's Next Baby Mama has wrapped up principal photography and is due out this Christmas, but The Mirror claims shit is about to change in a major way. According to sources, Warner Bros. wasn't exactly blowing jizz bombs over the final cut and has demanded that Guy fix it pronto. They want Guy to re-shoot some scenes and add Sherlock's arch rival, the evil Professor Moriarty, to the movie.
After being scolded by mommy and daddy, Guy immediately asked his old Snatch friend Brad Pitt to step in as Moriarty. Luckily for Guy, Brad has an open spot in his schedule and is available for the re-shoots. Brad has already arrived in London and will soon begin shooting.
A source said, “It was an oversight in the film not to make a bigger deal about Moriarty. He is mentioned as Holmes’ arch enemy, but the bosses wanted Guy to make more of him. Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr have already shot their scenes. But now that 10 extra days have been added to shoot the new ones, they may be called back for a day or two."
Because of all the changes, the movie won't open this Christmas and has been pushed into 2010.
Why bother with Benjamin Button's?! I recently read that Guy wanted to explore Sherlock and Watson's homoerotic relationship in this movie, so he could've just added a good old-fashioned ass-to-mouth scene at the end to sell more tickets. Nothing puts hos in seats like gay porn. Besides, I always felt that Watson's face should be covered in man gravy when Sherlock delivers his signature line: "Elementary, my dear Watson." Just pretend that made sense.
UPDATE: Well, fuck. A spokeswhore for Warner Bros. says this lies. They issued this statement to UsWeekly: "The report in today’s London Mirror is completely inaccurate. Brad Pitt is not joining the cast of Sherlock Holmes and we're extremely pleased with the production of the film. As planned, it will be released on Christmas Day, 2009. In order to complete the movie, we've scheduled a few days on set to shoot a couple of additional scenes, obtain pick-up shots, and perfect some of the visual effects elements, all of which is standard filmmaking practice."
Guy Ritchie was all smiley while leaving a restaurant in London last night. Yeah, I know that look. It's the "I'm about to get my dick sucked" smile. You know his peen lips are practically whistling in excitement. And a few minutes later, Elle Macpherson came out....also smiling. The two apparently had dinner together.
While Guy's ex-master, Vadge, is slapping dicks with a piece who can be her grandbaby, Guy is playing with bitches his own age. And it must be a nice feeling to do sexy times with a woman without worrying about her biting your peen off with her vag of destruction. Not to mention that when he cuddles up on Elle, it doesn't feel like he's hugging a broiled piece of chicken jerky.
Guy Ritchie is quickly becoming the hardest-working gold digger in the game. Guy was just awarded a huge mountain of beautiful cash in his divorce settlement from Vadge, but that's still not enough for him! Guy is reportedly back on the hunt and may found his next bag of money! The London Telegraph says that Guy might be romancing millionairess Jemima Khan.
Jemima inherited mounds of money from her billionaire daddy when he went off to the after life. She married Pakistani cricket player Imran Khan in 1995 and popped out two of his kids. She divorced his ass in 2004. Since then, Jem (let's call her that) has dated Hugh Grant.
A source said that Guy and Jem have become really close. Earlier this month, the two showed up to Matthew Freud's (some pr-type) dinner party together in London. This past weekend, they were back at Matthew's house for his Christmas party.
Guy might be a gold digging genius. Now is the perfect time for him to find his next winning lottery ticket. Guy can easily play the "I don't need your money, I have my own" card on Jemima. I think I just jizzed in my pants at the thought of Guy's plan.
Or maybe Guy is with Jem because it's refreshing to stick your peen in a vagina that won't try to castrate you.
On Monday, Vadge's very own spokeswhore of a million years, Liz Rosenberg, told the world that Guy Ritchie got around $76 to $92 million for being married to a velociraptor with a nut cracker vagina. We all rejoiced and danced on our old Like A Virgin records. I'm joking about that last part. My Like A Virgin record is a prized possession. Only because my dumb fuck sister forged an autograph from Vadge on it before giving it to me as a present when we were kids. I framed it and everything! I found out a couple of years later she lied to me and committed forgery! Heartbreaking and illegal. Okay, I really found out last week.
Anyway, Vadge and Guy have issued a joint statement saying the settlement amount is completely wrong. Vadge said (with Guy's nuts still in her claws), "We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest. A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week. The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement. Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children."
Please, this shit was all planned out. Vadge was so angry that she started gritting her pussy teeth when everyone called Guy Ritchie "saint of the year" for walking away from her fortune. So in order to rain on Guy's good guy parade, Vadge had her spokesbitch make that little announcement knowing that she would issue her own statement a few days later claiming the amount is all wrong.
Everything is so damn complicated in Vadge's life! Fuck. She needs Neicy Nash and the Clean House team to visit her brains and get rid of all the damn clutter. I swear. She makes everything so damn difficult.
And if Liz is the one that fucked up, well, then we probably won't hear from her ass for a while, because she's being held in Vadge's jail cell crotch. If you happen to walk by Vadge in the next few days, throw a few stale bread crumbs towards her vagina for Liz to snack on.
What do you get for being married to a chewed-up piece of gristle for 8 years: $76 million!!!
Vadge's spokeswhore, Liz Rosenburg, told AP that Vadge will pay Guy Ritchie anywhere from $76 to $92 million as part of their divorce settlement.
Liz said the $76 million figure also includes the value of their English country estate and the price of his nustack. He probably got an extra $10 mill for all the therapy he'll need after seeing her roided-up snatch close up.
Liz went on to say, "I'd assume it's one of the largest payouts ever in a divorce settlement."
Vadge and Guy are still working out custody arrangements for Rocco and David.
Christmas has come early for Guy, but knowing Vadge, there's probably a catch. Vadge is going to make Guy wrestle away the money from her muscly crocodile snatch. I'm sorry, but Guy is no match for her deadly crotchodile. It will swallow him whole.
Guy Ritchie may have broken free from the grasp of the evil harpy known as Vadge, but he has only fallen from the frying pan into the fire, as the full fury of her witch craft curse has decimated the set and actors of his new movie, Sherlock Holmes.
The crew (probably Jamaican witch doctors) claim the movie is cursed. It doesn't take chicken bones and pigs blood to see that Vadge and her crotch of destruction are working their dark magic powers here.
Not only did his bad luck charm make his past movies bomb and his life a living hell, she's bringing her evil sorcery in the form of pain and suffering to anybody associated with Guy's movies.
First off, Robert Downey Jr was knocked the fuck out by Vadge's glamoured minion, a 7ft wrestler, co-star Robert Maillet during a fight scene. A bean spilling cunt from the set said: “Robert was accidentally caught on the chin by a thundering hook. He went flying and was out cold." He had to get a Sponge Bob band aid and six stitches put on the inside of his mouth.
Then Vadge threw a bolt of fire from the Heavens and tried to blow up Guy Ritchie's dumb ass, but luckily Jude Law standing too close to him and his mole took most of the blow. It bounced off his enormous skin tag and struck a petrol tanker, thus making it explode in a fireball, causing them to flee the set and closing down production for two hours.
Guy might have thought he was out of danger now that he's gotten his nuts back, but this isn't so. Vadge's roided-up punane is like The Ring. Once you stare into her black hole, you are cursed forever.
Guy Ritchie is probably feeling an unfamiliar itching down below this morning, because his nutsack has finally returned to him! Reunited and it feels so saggy!
A court in the UK declared Vadge & Guy's 7-year marriage over in just a matter of minutes. It will take about six weeks of gross paperwork for the divorce to be finalized and official. Both Vadge and Guy decided to skip the court party today. She's on tour in Philadelphia and he's filming in Liverpool.
According to the papers,the two haven't lived together for 6-months. Vadge signed a sworn statement saying that the reason their marriage failed was due to Guy's "unreasonable behaviour." She also said his bad behavior was continuing.
Unreasonable behavior? Eating a delicious cheeseburger is unreasonable behavior to her. Fuck. Disagreeing with her opinion is unreasonable. Shit. Having any kind of fun is unreasonable! She should have just wrote that he didn't follow THE CONTRACT! "Contract, Guy, contract. You didn't follow it."
There were reports that Guy Ritchie told Vadge to keep her sweet money, but The Sun claims that isn't so. According to their asses, Guy will get to keep his pub, the country estate and he will also get a cash payment of £25million (or $50USD after the conversion).
Last night, Guy told reporters, "It was never about money – never about her bloody art collection. I just wanted to settle it and move on. I didn't raise any objections at any stage until she insisted the children lived permanently in New York."
Now that they are pretty much divorced, can Vadge please give back the British accent?