Eyebrow Situation

Phoebe Price's team of high-powered lawyers are filing a trademark-infringement lawsuit against American Vogue right now for calling Kate Upton the "hottest supermodel on Earth." Hell, I think Earth is going to also sue Vogue for slander, because this is a lie and this is how fraudulent rumors get started! But other than that, I like the cover, but only because Kate's brows look like a delicious Sunday afternoon snack.

Those brows look like two trays of seven-layer dip. She's got them frijoles brows. Underneath that thick layer of baked refried beans are layers of cheese, guacamole, salsa, sour cream and another layer of refried beans. I just want to stick a tortilla chip in them.

But now that I look at them closer... They're so thick that they kind of look like dog poop brows. Ugh. Put the tortilla chips away. Why do my eyes and trash brain have to ruin everything?

Ginnifer Goodwin normally looks like the black sheep of the Keebler Elves or a Garbage Pail Kid to me, but at the Met Gala last night she looked like a Garbage Pail Kid after getting a glamorous eyebrow makeover from Harald Glööckler. Stunning. Perfect. Exquisite. When she's done with those brows, they should pull them off her face, put a gold frame around them and hang them on the biggest wall at the Met.

Brit Brit showed up to Elton John's Oscar viewing party at the Pacific Design Center in West Hollywood last night and let's use math to decide whether or not she looks good or looks like a haggard mess.

The hair: The animal was that was scalped to make Brit Brit's weave is the same animal that was scalped to make John Travolta's wig. It looks clean, freshly combed and dingle-free, so it's an upgrade! Although, she probably ate most of her weave after some dumb bitch at the party just had to tell her that her hair color reminded them of a delicious iced macchiato.

Score: + 25

The dress: Brit Brit usually wears elegant clothes that look like they came from a Contempo Casuals fire sale, but this dress doesn't. It looks like it came from a Cache outlet.

Score: - 25

The self tanner: The color of that shade is "watered down Easy Mac" and nothing makes me sadder than realizing that I put way too much water in a bowl of Easy Mac.

Score: - 10

The make-up: That Wet 'n Wild lip liner tells me that Brit Brit obviously gets inspiration from beauty icon Spaz de la Huerta.

Score: +5,000!

And when I tally it all up, I get my answer: Brit Brit looks good! (The lip liner saved her.)

Farrah Abraham of MTV's Teen Mom is tattooing the words "Mother of the Year" on her crotch, because she believe she's the greatest mother ever for tweezing her 3-year-old daughter's unibrow hairs as the kid slept. In a blog post on Sulia, Teen Mom Farrah, who spent $16,000 on a new face, writes about her adventures in baby brow waxing. Farrah pulled out the waxing strips, because she says she felt sorry for her daughter Sophia and wanted to beautify Sophia's brow situation. Here's the blog post that only a Toddlers & Tiaras mom could love (yes, I laughed at "standout historical moment in motherhood"):

SOOOOOooooo, this is a touchy subject the Unibrow thing.

But recently I could not ignore it, like I know I've seen madonna's duaghter have a stand out uni brow, I remember when I was little I had a unibrow, but I couldn't remember if there was an age limit, a rule!

So here I am faced with a standout historical moment in motherhood when I can confirm to myself that my little, adorable,most cuddle-able cutie, baby girl has a Unibrow :( , I felt bad for her, and I started asking friends.... is this hair just going to fall out... is it just hormones at this age?, well the hair didn't go away and others started saying it was here to stay.

So I told sophia (my daughter who is a late 3 years old) of the little issue on her brow, and I showed her how I waxed mine off, so I tryed to wax her, the second a dab hit the Uni, she touch it with the towel she had in her hand,

UHHH so now, wax was in the towel, and I yanked it back ASAP, but fuzz was not stuck to the wax stuck to her Uni, OMG moment, So now sophia was freaking out, so I had to act like it was a cool science project to get the wax off.

PLOT TO END THIS: Sophia feel a sleep, I got my tweezers and Pluck-pluck-pluck......soph was now saying ouch or anything and still was asleep, I got most of it off and then finally she woke up..I went to sleep .

The next morning I showed her and told her how well she did and she didn't even know, She was more intrigued now to be ok with upkeeping her non-unibrow. I could tell she was proud.

Ah I feel like a good mom:) other moms tell me your ideas!

One of my cousins had a glorious unibrow for most of her childhood and her parents refused to let her pluck it away even after she told them that kids made fun of her for it. She tried to hide it by growing her bangs long, but that didn't work. (Side note: She should've united her bangs with her bushy unibrow by braiding them together. That would've been the look.) She was desperate to get rid of the hairy bridge that connected her right brow to her left brow. So one night, she blew out a candle and poured the hot wax on her face. The dumbass didn't lose any brow hairs, but she did gain a burn on her forehead. After that, her mom regularly plucked away her unibrow for her.

So I can sort of understand where that dumb dumb Farrah is coming from, but isn't 3 way too young for that kind of shit? And who the hell tweezes their daughter's eyebrows in her sleep? If Farrah just had to get rid of her 3-year-old's unibrow, she should've done it a better way. I mean, Farrah should've burned her daughter's brow hairs off by playing her abomination of a song for them. Farrah's music makes my ear tunnels burn, so I'm sure it has the same effect on brow hairs.

via UsWeekly 

Well, we're all Tamara Ecclestone without the zillions of dollars of daddy's money, the $32 million London mansion, the lease agreement on a $125 million Holmby Hills mansion, the wonky nose job, the weave made from the manes of a dozen Arabian ponies, the zero sense of knowing what it's like to actually earn a dollar for yourself and the anus covered with liquid platinum and canary diamonds (mine's only covered with yellow-tinted Wite Out and plastic Barbie earrings). Okay, we're all nothing like Tamara Ecclestone, but I'm sure this was most of us on New Year's Eve. Replace the fancy bellman with the clerk at 7-Eleven and replace that fancy gold dress with a torn tank top and stained swim shorts, and that was me on New Year's Eve! I'm pretty sure my mom was behind me making a "Did I actually give birth to a human whose drunk farts smell like that?!" face.

These pictures of the Nicky Hilton of Britain are from the early hours of 2013 (aka 2 days old), but in between yelling at the wild Hawaiian roosters for making rooster noises and making bitchfaces at the loud children at the pool in my mom's timeshare, I missed them! So I'm bringing them to you way late, because I just can't resist a picture of a drunk-eyed, messy ho who looks like a plastic Mufasa in bad Leona Lewis drag.

Anyway, I'm back from my Hawaiian vacation so I'd like raise a Bikini Blonde to Lahoma, Sweetas and J. Harvey for sprinkling the foolery on Dlisted while I was off getting a sunburn on my armpit (that happened somehow). And now that I'm back full-time expect 100% more eyebrow appreciation and 90% more grammatical errors. (Yes, I read your posts, J. Harvey. You're the 10%!)

Shia LaBeouf quit humping Karolyn Pho a quick minute ago and he's already smearing his unpasteurized peen fromage all over the body of his new girlfriend, 19-year-old Mia Goth. Shia met Mia while shooting Lars Von Trier's art porn Nymphomaniac, and I guess she just couldn't get enough of the five layer dip under his foreskin, because they're dating for real now. Shia and Mia (possible couple names: MiShi, ShiMi, Shith, Shit Mi, Filthy Bums, etc....) spread their hobo love in L.A. yesterday. They look like a broke down, low-budget version of Early and Adele from Kalifornia. Shia looks like a serial killer vagrant who lives in a tent in the woods and hangs out in front of Rite-Aid during the day, and she looks like the 15-year-old he kidnapped from her family's trailer.

But more importantly, for where are homegirl's brows? Did they jump off of her face when she made out with Shia for the first time? Did Shia's crotch crustaceans crawl up to her face and eat them? If Shia cared about Mia at all, he'd give her some brows. Dude has Demi Moore's vintage muff on his face so he has more than enough hair to give Mia for some eyebrows. If you truly care about a trick, don't let her go outside with no brows.

Earlier today, Elmo's former voice Kevin Clash turned his I QUIT THIS BITCH letter into Sesame Street's human resources office right after TMZ said that a second accuser filed a lawsuit against him. That second accuser, Cecil Singleton, is suing Kevin Clash for $5 million in damages, because he claims that dry humping on Kevin when he was just 15 years old left him emotionally scarred. Cecil and his lawyer held a press conference in NYC today and he wanted to make a few things clear: Elmo dry humped him, but they didn't do butt sex until years later.

Cecil, whose eyebrow situation tells me that he's all business, told reporters this afternoon that after meeting Kevin Clash on a gay chat line in 2003, they "dated" for about two weeks. During that two weeks, Kevin took him out to fancy dinners and sprinkled money all over him. Cecil and Kevin kissed, dry humped, fapped and groped on each other, but it never went beyond that. Cecil says he broke shit off, because Kevin wanted a more serious relationship and he wasn't ready for that. They kept in contact and after Cecil became legal, they took things all the way.

This is ten kinds of messy and I'm left with a million questions. Why is Kevin Clash doing this to us? Why were people still using phone chat lines in the year 2003? Why do I wish this can go to trial and be televised on CNN HD so I can watch Cecil Singleton whip his mane as he sashays up to the stand to testify? Is Cecil Singleton half unicorn or full unicorn? Is Cecil Singleton the name of a Tennessee Williams character, because it sounds like one? And more importantly, where is Gloria Allred in all of this?!

Gloria Allred should've sniffed Elmo's saliva on Cecil Singleton's ass from ten thousand miles away. Gloria would've made this press conference so much better. She would've made Cecil act out his relationship with Kevin Clash using a Tickle-Me-Elmo. Cecil Singleton made a huge mistake by not hiring the publicity stunt ringmaster that is Gloria Allred.

Sharon Osbourne has officially handed NBC her I QUIT THIS BITCH papers and will not sit with Howard Stern and Howie Mandel at the America's Got Talent judges table next season. No, Sharon didn't quit because she's sick of Howard sneaking into her dressing room to slap her naked ass with bologna slices. Sharon is breaking up with NBC, because she says the network did her son Jack Osbourne dirty.

Jack was supposed to be in NBC's reality boot camp show Stars Earn Stripes, but Sharon tells The New York Post that he was fired shortly after he went public about having MS. Jack never signed a contract to do the show, but Sharon says he had a verbal agreement with the network and showed the Post an e-mail from NBC's VP of talent relations welcoming Jack to NBC. But one month after Jack announced he has MS and two days before shooting started, NBC cut him from the show and said they didn't think he physically could handle some of the show's challenges. Jack told the network he'd pay for his own insurance and said he could handle the show's physical challenges. But that bitchy peacock still shook its head no and said the only thing they can do is pay Jack his full appearance fee. Sharon explained it like this:

"He didn’t want the money. He wanted his gig. It gave him something to look forward to when he was diagnosed. Think of the good that it could have done to show other people who have this [condition] that your life is not over.”

Sharon has a contract with NBC for a few more seasons of AGT, but she says they can't do shit to her except keep her from judging another reality show for the next five years.

"I just can’t be fake. It’s discrimination, and it was badly handled. It’s time to move on. They can’t make me do something I don’t want to do. All they can do is stop me from being a judge on another network for five years."

Jack Osbourne should look at the positive side of this shit. At least he doesn't have to stare up into the clenched ass cheeks of Sarah Palin's husband as he waits his turn to climb the wall. And in other Osbournes quitting things news, Kelly Osbourne has quit her brows:

NOOOOPE. This look is only okay if you're David Bowie, an Alien Nation alien or if your brows fell off because you stared up into the clenched ass cheeks of Sarah Palin's husband while waiting to climb the wall.

(No Brows Kelly picture via @MissKellyO)

Former Hot Slut of the Day and college basketball star Anthony Davis has an immaculate single brow of gorgeousness and if he tried to protect his natural work of hairy art by covering it with tweezer-proof glass, I wouldn't call him unreasonable. But Anthony is taking shit way too far and thinks he's the only ho who has ever grown a unibrow (insert your bertsideye.jpeg here). CNBC says that Anthony will most likely get picked up by the New Orleans Hornets in the NBA Draft this Thursday and since he's about to go pro, he's protecting his greatest asset: the wings of glory over his eyes. Anthony registered the likeness of his brow hair and is trademarking the phrases "Fear The Brow" and "Raise The Brow." It is way too late for this kind of fuckery. And if you're reading this in the morning, then let me just say that it's way too early for this kind of fuckery.

Anthony's unibrow is as important to this country as Mary Hart's legs and he thinks it's one of a kind:

“I don’t want anyone to try to grow a unibrow because of me and then try to make money off of it. Me and my family decided to trademark it because it’s very unique.”

Anthony Davis' unibrow looks like a powerful bird gliding into the sunset, but he needs to step out of the world where he thinks he's the only one with two brows in one. The world is full of unibrows and even Khloe Kardashian can grow one in a day if she doesn't wax that shit every other hour.

Anthony better watch it with that "I am the creator of the unibrow" shit. Because if he doesn't, the ghost of Frida Kahlo will float into his room while he sleeps, slather Nair on his masterpiece unibrow and softly cackle as she disappears into the air. Fear the Frida.

(Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

Almost 7 million people watched last night's grand return of Dallas on TNT (yeah, it took me a while to figure out what that is too), because what all of really need right now is to get lost into schemes, schemes, more schemes and Jesse Metcalfe's succulent man tits. Even though there was zero Victoria Principal and needed more campiness, more trashiness and more up-close shots of Jesse's spectacular tit turnovers bouncing up and down in slow motion, I actually liked it. But what that shit lacked in campiness, it made up for  in something even better. And that leads me to my top 5 favorite moments from last night's double episode. They're in no particular order and without commentary, because each moment coos for itself. Apologies for the low-budget ghettoness of the quality of each moment. My screen grabber broke and I had to take pictures with my iPhone, but I still had to share this shit with you. Click to perfection: