Eyebrow Situation

Thousands gathered in front of the main stage at L.A. Gay Pride in West Hollywood on Saturday and watched as Lil' Kim shook her shellacked ham hocks and kept her waxed cheek cutlets from melting off of her face by fanning herself. We should temporarily put down our umbrellas of hate and not throw shade at Lil' Kim for looking like a big top mess. Let's say something nice instead of making fun of Kim's rubber Nermal face. Or that parched lace front that looks like it just came out of a McDonald's deep fryer. Or those fake lashes that look like the plucked wings of a baby crow (CALL PETA!). Or that face paint job that was probably done by the same foolish mortician's assistant who slathered Lisa Turtle's mug with ten coats of fug. Or the face that Kim looks like an escapee from the Zoobilee Zoo and Mayor Ben really needs to throw a net over this trick. Let's not point any of those things out and focus on the positive for once!

I'm going to slow clap at Kim for qualifying for the U.S. Olympic Eyebrow Game trials. I'm also going to say something nice about Kim's nose. I'd sit and bounce on Kim's nose, because it always looks like a short pencil dick with a pinched mushroom head and anything that makes me think about peen is a good thing. ("Dumb slut, what doesn't make you think about dick?" - you). Good point.

Two world-renowned fuckery makers joined forces yesterday when Media Takeout reported that The National Enquirer is reporting that Bill Cosby's granddaughter and brow-challenged Raven Symone is scissoring it up with AzMarie from America's Next Top Model: British Invasion. The Enquirer says that the "That's" in That's So Raven stands for Raven having no fucks to give over her family freaking out about this. Raven is in love, doesn't care if anybody knows she loves labia and is close to waving her flannel flag in the air. AzMarie has moved into the $11,000 a month apartment that Raven is staying in while she stars in Sister Act on Broadway. The source put it like this:

“She’s at a point now where she doesn’t care what her family thinks, and she’s in love with AzMarie. She’s a lesbian and wants to live that way. She feels her parents are still trying to treat her like she’s a kid, and she’s told them she’s going to do what she wants.

Raven has hidden being gay for a long time now.But about a year ago, she was introduced by a friend to AzMarie, who is absolutely gorgeous. The two began see­ing each other, and a few months ago, Raven finally got the nerve to ask her to move into her lavish Manhattan condo. When her family found out, they blew their stack and it’s created a gay scandal for Raven. She told her parents she loves them, but her home – especially her bedroom – is nobody’s business, and she was not going to back down, so they needed to accept it, period.”

A gay scandal is always the best kind of scandal. Who knows if this is true, but if it is then I'm into this couple. They're like the lesbian Amber Rose and Kanye but 100% less annoying. AzMarie and Raven both know the importance of a perfect eyebrow situation and their couple name would be AzRave, which sounds like my kind of rave. (I mean, a rave full of adzes? Yes!) But I still won't fully believe this until Raven comes zooming out of the closet on a Segway with AzMarie sitting in a Segway side car next to her.

Just so you know, this is what Lark Voorhies, mostly known as Lisa Turtle on Saved By The Bell, looked like in 2010:

I don't even know where to begin. I don't even know where to end. I don't even know where the middle is. This could be an Ashley Judd situation, but that clown on crack make-up is the main reason for why Lisa Turtle looks like she was made with equal parts of Tracy Jordan in drag and current face LeAnn Rimes. Make-up like this should only be worn when you're trying to terrify the dreams out of young children, not when you're talking about whatever during an interview. This is fucking depressing and the only bitch I can blame right now is Screech. Because that is definitely what one looks like after getting one too many Dirty Sanchezes from Screech.

The video has left me with even more questions.

Can we please start a Kickstarter to get Lisa Turtle a make-up artist that won't make her look like she just pressed her face against Lil Kim's face?

(Thanks, Suzanne)

When TMZ said last month that OctoMom was getting $2,000 a month in food stamps, I couldn't figure out how she could feed a family of 26 (including her multiple personalities) on such little money. Well, I don't have to worry about the OctoKids eating each other's boogers for nourishment while locked in their baby prison, because she said in an interview with Good Morning America that she's actually getting $4,000 to $5,000 a month from California taxpayers. It's good to know that when Octo feeds her child army breakfast by putting out a giant bowl of water in the backyard, she pours Cheerios brand Cheerios in there instead of the generic brand Cheerios that come in a plastic bag. You know which one I'm talking about.

Octo was on GMA to defend herself against those pictures of her Baby House of Terror. Octo's hairstylist, the one she paid $520 for a Brazilian Blowout, ratted a bitch out by giving the pictures to TMZ and the La Habra Police Department. Octo told GMA that she was set up and it's not as bad as it looks.

On her chirruns bonding with nature by going caca in potty training toilets in the backyard, because her indoor plumbing was busted: “She (the hairstylist) thought it was unacceptable that they’re, you know, half-naked, goin’ potty. I mean, moms out there, come on.” (Note: The toilets in her house are fixed now.)

On how she didn't lock her children up in the bedroom. She put the chair there to keep them out: “I didn’t want the kids to go in there at the time and one of my older kids jammed the chair up there so they wouldn’t keep opening and closing the door."

On how she paid $520 to maintain her hair beauty when she's on public assistance and doesn't have a steady job: Octo says the $520 included a Brazilian Blowout and haircuts for the entire family. "I am making money, though. I have jobs and can afford it."

On how she's getting $4,000 to $5,000 a month in food stamps: "It’s almost over. This is our last month on help."

Why do her 15 thousand kids need haircuts, anyway? Suze Orman needs to nail this bitch with another clue. You don't need to pay someone to cut your kid's hair when you can do it yourself. Kids can have jacked up hair, they're kids! Growing up middle class, my mom could afford to take us to MasterCuts, but when she didn't feel like it she took us to the backyard and cut our mops herself. All you need is a pair of scissors, two semi-working hands and the ability to hold in a laugh when your kid ends up with a haircut from the HERP DERP look book. My sister's hair couldn't look more fucked up if she cut it herself in the garbage disposal. It had layers, alright, and each layer was more messed up than the next. It was the 80s, though, so we just looked New Wave. See, Octo's kids can bring back New Wave glamour!

And as for Octo, bitch's hair looks fine and it doesn't need a blow job from Brazil. What Octo needs to do is go out into nature, lay down on the dirt and wait until some stupid birds mistake those bushy brows for hairy caterpillars. Let their beaks fix her eyebrow situation, because it needs fixing bad.

Lisa Robin Kelly, better known as Laurie #1 on That '70s Show, found her ratty tatty ass in front of a mug shot camera yet again after she allegedly Ike Turnered her man. TMZ says that the L.A. County Sheriff's Department arrested Lisa Robin at around 12:50 this morning for felony spousal abuse. Lisa Robin is currently sitting in a jail cell and waiting for someone, anyone (I'm looking at you, Eric) to pay her $50,000 bail.

Lisa Robin Kelly is (allegedly) in the wrong for (allegedly) scrappin' on her man, but the cops should be charged with cruel and unusual punishment for putting ole' girl in front of a mug shot camera with her brows telling conflicting stories. Lisa's right brow is saying "GUILTY!!" and her left brow is saying "NOT GUILTY!!!" Or maybe her left brow is saying, "Help me! Half of me was blown up in a meth lab explosion and I'm afraid she's going to finish me off!" I have a hard time reading brows in distress.

Yes, even if they allowed Lisa Robin to restore her left brow, she'd still look like Smeagol Goldie Hawn (or the meth baby of Rodney Dangerfield and Nicole Richie), but they should've given her a chance. It's hard to put your best mug shot beauty face forward when your left brow looks like a literal poop noodle. This is why every earthquake kit, First Aid kit and emergency kit should have a brow pencil in it. Brows are not a privilege, they're a right! Shame on the LAPD for doing this to a ho.

I could try to write a 4,000 page series of horror novels in the style of Bram Stoker solely based on the Wildenstein-ing of Lil' Kim's face and the Top Ramen-ing of her crunchy weave, but it's THOSE BROWS that are giving me a headache from the chorus of terrifying screams trying to bust out of my head. This is Kim at last night's Rip the Runway and loooooooooord.

Lil' Kim could make an exact replica of La Toya Jackson's face out of puppet skin and fix it onto the front of her head with silicone staples, and I'd say, "Eh." Lil' Kim could pull chunks of old weave out of Beyonce's plumbing pipes and tack it onto her head using Elmer's and I'd still say, "Eh." But Bitch has gone way too far when she's made her eyebrows look like something a waiter at Olive Garden should have in his hand while he asks me if I'd like freshly grated cheese on my chicken alfredo. Those brows look like mustard powder too. Brows should not look like a condiment!

I just want to rip off those chimney brush lashes and scrape off that dusty shit on Kim's brows. Kim wouldn't totally look like a Medusa Bratz doll if she didn't bread her brows (brows milanese?). Okay, yes she would, but still.

I swear, this is the reason that I cry. Those brows look diseased. I wish Kim had a PayPal donation button next to those brows, because I'd put a few dollars in so she can take them to see a gynecologist. Don't let anybody tell you that yeast infection brows are the look.

I will never forgive myself for letting the stupid Oscars suck up most of my day when I should've been focused on more important things in the world like these stunning portraits of the naturally gorgeous Pamela Anderson. These pictures of Pamela at a Terry Richardson party in L.A. are from the far away past that was Friday night, but it's never too late to share brows, lashes, lip liner and lusciousness like this with you.

Pamela looks like she just got her make-up done by a former chola turned beauty school student at a cosmetics stand in Santee Alley. Every man, woman and child needs to take notes, because if you're going to find beauty in a tube of lip liner, this is how it's done. If you don't end up looking like a half-melted and cholafied Old Navy mannequin, you're doing it wrong. Pamela should have one of those QR codes on her, so hos can scan her and find out exactly which products from the Wet 'N Wild section at Rite Aid she uses. The chola porn star look is so NOW.

Terry's party must have been BYOB (bring your own beauty), because not only was Pamela there but some dude carried in glamour tornado Spaz de la Huerta. Don't these pictures of that dude carrying Spaz's messy ass across the red carpet remind you of the scene in Cleopatra where man slaves carry Elizabeth Taylor on a throne? Such regalness.

You can tell your prostate to stop poppin'. I can hear it from here. It can calm itself, because there's enough of Harald Glööckler (known in heaven as THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE ON PLANET EARTH) to go around forever. No, Harald is really going to last forever, because I read in some scientific journal that he was born when scientists unfroze a cryogenically frozen Liberace using Adam Lambert's naturally sweetened ass syrup and the clarified blood of Nosferatu.

Harald launched his newest musical masterpiece "Pompoeoes" (that's German for "Poochie Queefs") in Berlin on Thursday and I don't know what his nightingale yodeling sounds like, but just thinking about it gives me the sensation of twin peen-shaped clouds spooning my eardrums.

To celebrate one of the most important events in music history, Harald slipped on his finest coat made from a rare creature called polyester, put on every single piece of jewelry from Ring Pops' exclusive black label collection and asked four toddlers to doodle on his face with glitter pens until he looked like he was on the RIGHT end of a Care Bear bukkake. The result is the look I was going for when I played with my mom's makeup shoebox as a child. Harald should really teach a class on how to play dress up with your mom's shit the right way.

Glamour seriously took a holiday on Harald's face.

AssStain Kutcher is barebacking his way through the cream of Iowa's whore crop, but Demi Moore is the one who's winning the rebound game by getting glitter bombed every single night. What you're looking at is not only what you get when you morph Donny Osmond, Eric McMormick and Sal from Mad Men together. This is also the gaydar-breaking beauty who is leaving a thin layer of juicy fruit nectar on Demi's lips when he blows her an air kiss after each date.

Radar is trying to say that Demi has been dating beauty mogul (FYI: beauty moguls don't only exist in soap operas and late-80s movies) Scott-Vincent Borba for about a week now. So when Demi tells her friends that Scott gave her a hot facial last night, she really means that he scrubbed her dead skin off with honeycomb bits and lavendar-scented sea salt. (Although, I wouldn't be surprised if Scott-Vincent cums honeycomb bits and lavendar-scented sea salt.) Radar's source had this to say about Demi's new "romance":

“Demi and Scott-Vincent started dating last week. They have known each other a long time and he’s really been there for her by her side through the whole Ashton thing. It’s easy for Scott-Vincent to keep his relationships a secret because he’s so often photographed hanging out with celebrity clientele. But he’s head over heels for Demi and there’s definitely potential for a lasting relationship between them.”

Getting with an immaculately groomed gaydonis whose sugar walls are sweeter than theirs didn't work for Star Jones and Liza Minnelli, but that doesn't mean it can't work for Demi. I've always believed that somewhere over the rainbow, a cougar's true soulmate awaits.

I, for one, am dripping with jealousy. Scott-Vincent's eyebrows are so exquisitely beautiful that it's a shame they don't wiggle around like a tongue, because it would be nice to get some reciprocation when you make out with them. Not only that, but Demi gets to slip into a warm dream fantasy after Scott-Vincent serenades her with this at bedtime:

In case you haven't already figured it out, that tingly sensation you're feeling down below is just your b-hole winking at this video.

If 100% of the %1 looked like this, bitches wouldn't be pissed at all!

This is the sch in my nitzel, Harald Glööckler (government name: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GNOME CREATURE IN THE WORLD!!!!), exuding luxuriousness and seeping out potent opulence from his pores at the Berlin launch of his new gold dinnerware that is so damn expensive you're going to receive an invoice in the mail for just looking at pictures of it.

Harald could pay my electricity bill just by kissing the ConEd envelope and leaving a print of his crushed ruby lipstick on it. Harald ups the value of a piece of toilet paper by 10,000% just by rubbing his golden glazed orifice on it. Just look at Harald sitting around poor peons while wearing every jewel from QVC of the Nile and there's not one bodyguard protecting him. If one of his priceless jewels gets snatched, he'll just fart out another one.

I bet Harald was a Sweet Secrets Doll in his past life. Bitch IS luxury. Fancy isn't even a fancy enough word to describe this. The Evil Queen can give up her throne to Harald now, because he stole her look and gave it the diamante-encrusted glamour it needed.