Another One Bites The Dust

I'm typing this from a make-shift raft made out of a door, because all of the Twihards have flooded the world with their tears after finding out that ROBSTEN ARE BROKEN (For now)!!!!!! You'd think that all of the Twihards would've cried out all the water in their bodies when Kristen Stewart did dry butt sex with Rupert Sanders, but I guess they must've replenished their fluids since then, because they are crying like they've never cried before! People (aka Voice of the Publicist Weekly) has announced that RPattz is done with smearing his hobo cheese all over Kristen Stewart's body for now. Just like KStew and RPattz, People's article about this shit is kind of awkward and wishy washy:

As rumors of relationship trouble continue to swirl, a source tells PEOPLE that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have called it quits after more than three years of dating. Reps for the two could not be reached.

But the source says it would not be surprising if the on-and-off-again pair got back together again.

What I'm taking that to mean is that since the final Twatlight movie is already out on DVD, their contract is expired EXPIRED and they might renegotiate..... but she's going to smoke a few bowls (or a few hundred bowls) and think about it. They'll get back together whenever one of them has some shit to promote. But right now, the only thing I care about is Nutty Madam's response to this shit:

Nutty Madam has either exploded and pieces of her are falling all over Britain right now or she's hiding in the bushes in front of RPattz's house and is ready to attack him now that he's single.

But didn't they have a cat together? THINK OF THE PUSSY!

UsWeekly says that things might be a little awkward on the Vampire Diaries set, because Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder have stopped wet humping each other behind the cameras. Nina and Dobrev started dating three years ago after meeting on the VD set and now they're done. Some source says that they are "consummate professionals" (Note: If you just woke up and haven't caffeined up your brain yet, you might've read that as "constipated professionals" like I did.) and "will continue to work together and remain best friends, which is where the relationship started."

"We'll remain best friends" really is the "over the moon" of break-up statements.

So there you go. One of those vampire couples set their love on fire. At least we still have Kristen Stewart and RPattz (SICK!) and Sookeh and Beeehl (BARF!).

And earlier this morning, Ian Somerhalder tweeted this:>

Who knew that when Ian Somerhalder's heart breaks a little he turns into an Emo 7th grader who cuts with a butter knife and listens to Fall Out Boy ballads on a loop? But what I want to know is, did he smirk and throw smug eyes at the monitor while typing that tweet?

I love to drunk watch David Tutera's My Fair Wedding on WE, because it makes the dead organ that is my heart beat for a second when he tells a bride that the wedding dress she bought is tacky trash and it makes the dead organ that is my heart beat for two seconds when the bridesmaids tell the bride that the dress she picked out for them is tacky trash. Well, now David is going from designing weddings to designing his own divorce party, because he has quit his husband of 10 years Ryan Jurica. David and Ryan are expecting twins via a surrogate this summer, so they're fighting over two unborn babies too. The Kramer vs. Kramer drama of it all!

TMZ says that David and Ryan got married in Vermont in 2003, but they live in California, where same-sex marriage isn't recognized, so they filed for a domestic partnership. David wants the domestic partnership shredded to a million pieces the same way he shreds all those tacky wedding dresses. David doesn't want to pay Ryan any spousal support and he also wants full legal and physical custody of their twins. David is willing to give Ryan visitation rights, but that's it. And David wants Ryan to pay for all the legal fees related to their split.

David is coming at a bitch hard, so I'm guessing Ryan did something major to set him off. Maybe Ryan's peen wandered over to a side piece, or worse, maybe Ryan told David that one of his wedding centerpieces was ugly. Whatever the case may be, this is going to get messy, because I've seen Jason Bateman and Adam Lamber's wax love child fight with brides. He does not play. David and Ryan are going to fight at the foot of the surrogate's coochie when those babies come out. They're going to push the doctor out of the way and try to snatch each twin away. Put the cameras on them, WE!

Here's James Woods and his now ex-girlfriend Ashley Madison (the jokes, they write themselves sometimes) during happier times at the Emmys in 2011 when he was 64 and she was 24 and she was still bumping her crotch against his silvery crotch bush. But now, James Woods is trolling high school graduations for a new piece, because he's single again.

The National Enquirer (via DM) says that James and Ashley's 6-year-long relationship started the way all true love affairs start. Ashley is the daughter of one of James' friends. They started doing it full-time when she was 19 and he was 59. Ashley thought James was going to give her a ring, but that didn't happen and they broke up, because he spent all of his time with his 86-year-old mother who died last year. James told the Enquirer that Ashley's expiration date was up, but they'll always be friends blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...

"We've gone our separate ways but I will always love her. Ashley was young and I was old and everyone wanted to dump on her. She was put through a lot of unfair stuff because of our relationship, but through it all, Ashley showed tremendous character."

Ashley told the Enquirer that she's moved on to a younger piece and is now dating a 28-year-old restaurant owner.

The Enquirer also brought up a story I completely forgot about. Supposedly, James Woods' family hated Ashley Madison, because she showed up to his brother Michael's funeral in a miniskirt and while everyone was crying, she chain-smoked and showed off pictures of herself in various magazines. James denied that story, but I'm still choosing to believe it really happened, because I really want to believe that Ashley Madison is a real-life version of Sammy Jo from Dynasty.

So if you're a girl who can't yet buy booze legally and really want to date a dude who could be your pepaw, send James Woods your picture along with a copy of your birth certificates. No fats or olds plz. And by "olds" I mean anybody born before 1995.

The next time Ozzy Osbourne wakes up in the middle of the night and screams out, "SHARE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEN," the only sound he'll hear back is the sound of one of their ten million dogs shitting on the carpet (they're dogs are ALWAYS shitting on the carpet). Because TMZ says that Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne's marriage is now lying in a ditch next to the dove head that he bit off.

A few days ago, The Sun said that Ozzy and Sharon pressed paused on their marriage and are sleeping in different places. Jack Osbourne shat on that rumor on Twitter. But now TMZ is saying that The Sun was telling the truth, because Sharon is apparently living full-time at The Beverly Hills Hotel and Ozzy is staying in a rented house a few miles away. Even though their marriage of 31 years is circling the drain, they don't have any plans to divorce yet.

I'm every layer of bitter and jaded and even I didn't think Ozzy and Sharon would ever break up. How is he going to function without her? Didn't Sharon do everything for Ozzy including bathe him, dress himp, feed him, brush his teeth, wipe his ass and shake his peen for him after he pees? Ozzy's going to be a mess! Without Sharon, he's probably going to waddle aimlessly through the streets with his panties down to his ankles, because he forgot how to wipe his own ass and needs some help. I'd say that he could ask Siri, but I just asked Siri how to wipe my own ass and that bitch wasn't any help. And no, that wasn't the first time I asked Siri that question.

Here's Sharon at The Ivy with a dog friend and Kelly Osbourne last week.

It's always a sad day when a tiny Finnish cockatoo and a screeching gay raver Elvis can't make it work. Glamberace tells South Florida Gay News that he and his reporter/host/reality show person boyfriend Sauli Koskinen are no longer putting on MAC eyeliner next to each other in the bathroom mirror. Glamberace says that about two months ago, their relationship started slowly crawling toward the exit door and I hope that scarf blouse Sauli is wearing followed it, because that never is and never was the look. This is what Madam Lambert said:

“It’s been kind of on its way out in the last couple of months. Sauli and I remain really good friends, and I know it’s a cliché thing to say. But it’s totally true. I just gave him a coffee and bagel earlier today. He’s a great person and we’ve had an amazing couple of years together. Things have just run their course.”

This really isn't surprising, because dating a trick who uses as many hair products as you do is never a good idea. It will always ends in you crying over the empty tub of pomade that your boyfriend used up.  I don't care if the dick makes me see Jesus and all the disciples, I will dump a whore if I open up my pomade and find a finger dent I know I didn't make. That is grounds for a break-up. When Glamberace says that things "have just run their course," he really meant that he just got sick of a bitch taking his diffuser attachment.

And here's Glamberace looking like a rejected JEM! character while walking to The Abbey in West Hollywood with Raja from Drag Race last week.

But in reality TV's defense, their marriage would've ended up in a shallow grave next to Kenya Moore's sanity with or without Bravo's cameras on them.

TMZ says that another Real Housewives marriage has bit and swallowed the dust. Former NFL player Kordell Stewart has dropped divorce papers into the lap of his self-proclaimed trophy wife Buick Porsha Stewart who's on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Kordell filed for divorce on March 22nd in Georgia. In the divorce papers, Kordell says that they are currently separated and their marriage is "irretrievably broken." Kordell thinks that Porsha can make money on her own and he doesn't want to give her a dime in spousal support.

Porsha and Kordell got married on May 21, 2011 and they never had any kids. On Sunday night's episode, Porsha told a therapist that having a miscarriage was hard on her and she wants kids but she also wants a career too. Kordell's hammerhead shark-looking ass kept trying to control  Porsha's ass and didn't want her to have a career, because he wanted her to be the perfect little housewife.

Apparently, Porsha and Kordell don't have a prenup, but it's not like she's going to get any money since they haven't been married that long. Besides, as Porsha will tell you over and over again, her pepaw was civil rights icon Hosea Williams. She's practically American royalty and is already rich!

I'm sure Porsha will use her last working brain cell to try to make money by putting out a clothing line like all the other Housewives do and Kordell will go back to allegedly sucking dick in the park.

Meanwhile, if you're in the Atlanta area, you're probably experiencing strong winds and that's because Kenya Moore hasn't stopped twirling with joy after hearing this news.

Just when the Centers for Disease Control thought it was safe to give their employees a long vacation for Easter, this happens! John Mayer's David Duke Dick is once again out there infecting poon after poon, because he's no longer bumping nipples with Katy Perry full-time...for now. I know, the fact that Katy Perry didn't slap him back and forth when he showed up to the Grammys looking like the creepy owner of a chocolate factory an STD Factory tells me that they were meant for each other, but I guess not.

Katy Perry and John Mayer started dating last summer, but they broke up for a month before getting back together again. Some source tells UsWeekly that they're done with each other, but it might not totally be the end.

"It's sad. It's not over until it's over. You have to see how things play out. She's leaving the window open. They have both been so focused on work."

Katy probably only left the window open, because she's trying to air his stank out. And I hope this means that John Mayer will go back to Taylor Swift and dump her right after. Because Taylor Swift's ass is most entertaining when she's bitching about a heartless whore slut John Mayer is.

Taylor Swift is sliding her beard services business card under Ryan Seacrest's front door and Tommy Girl is scheduling an "audition" with Julianne Hough right now, because Ryan and Julianne are done after dating for over 2 years. People says that Ryan never had time for Julianne because he's the hardest working gnome on the stroll...and because she got sick of him calling her Derek whenever they bumped butts. This is actually pretty shocking, because you'd think that a relationship between a Mormon and a gay frog would last forever!

Some other source tells UsWeekly that since Ryan has 400 jobs, he's constantly working and never had time for Julianne. So Julianne packed up her strap-ons and got out of there, because even a leased beard needs to be groomed and fluffed every now and again. That source said this:

"Dude works all the time," a pal tells Us Weekly. "He never sleeps." Although dancer-turned-actress Hough, 24, has an increasingly hectic slate of projects herself, her priorities were a little different. It's a lifestyle she couldn't handle anymore. Work always, always came first [for Ryan] She wants a more lowkey life."

It all makes sense now! TMZ had a story a couple of days about how Julianne Hough went to visit a friend in Hollywood and left her Mercedes in the parking lot. When she went back to her car, the door was open and $100,000 worth of jewelry was missing. Ho left a bunch of jooree that Ryan Seacrest gave her in her car. I knew something in the milk wasn't clean about that. Just in case Ryan ever asked for those jewels back, she pawned them all off and covered it up by saying she was robbed. Clever beard.

And here's Ryan and Julianne in St. Barts last year during happier and carefree times when they weren't even thinking about contract renegotiations.

Everybody has been saying for a while now that the expiration date on Stacy Keibler's ass is coming up and George Clooney is getting ready to trade her in for a new model. The Sun says Stacy's expiration date has already come and gone, and after 20 months (which is 500 years in Clooney time) of being George Clooney's award show accessory, she's out!

Some source says that they ended things, because George doesn't want a wedding ring on his finger and he already has one incoherent mess slobbering all over his shoulder (see: a stoned Brad Pitt), so he doesn't want another one. Stacy eventually wants those things, so they ended their contract. As part of Stacy's severance package, he gave her an apartment and some jewelry.

You know, some people say that if you want to get married and have kids you shouldn't screw around with George Clooney. But I say that if you want to get married and you want kids AND you want a brand new condo, you should screw around with George Clooney. Being George Clooney's escort of the moment is easy. You wear designer gowns, you drink a bunch of free booze at fancy parties and every now and again you get to make out with a topless Cindy Crawford on the deck of a yacht while George and Rande Gerber are downstairs smoking cigars (take that as code for something if you want).

Once you get tired of that, you cash in. When you and George are sitting in the smoking room of his Italian villa and he's reading the newspaper, all you have to do is say, "So I'm thinking of going off the pi....." You'll look over and all you'll see is a newspaper floating in the air and a bunch of smoke below it, because George busted out of there before you could spit out the two Ls. Then a moving truck with all of your shit in it will pull up to the driveway and his lawyer will make you sign a confidentiality agreement in exchange for keys to your new condo and a key to the bank lock box with a bunch of jooree in it. You'll have a condo for your baby to live in and you can sell all that jooree to buy diapers. You can have it all! It beats going to college!