Justin Bieber + James Franco + KMart wigs + a corporate apartment + extra large dentures + too much free time + an on-call weed man + everything in the medicine cabinet + a pink napkin over a flashlight = THIS MESS RIGHT THERE.
James Franco uploaded (and then deleted) a video to his WhoSay page of him, his rumored fuck piece Ashley Benson and some dude grinding and simulating dog sex to Justin Bieber's "Boyfriend." This is James Franco on James Franco and it's also the worst and scariest installment of Paranormal Activity ever. Before you say that James Franco is getting way too old for this shit, I'll have you know that HIGH ART knows no age. (But seriously, James Franco is getting way too old for this shit and shouldn't he be studying to get his 89th degree in whatever, or something?)
via Just Jared
The paparazzo who was killed while trying to take pictures of The Lesbeaver was supposedly stalking his ass all day, because the pap was told that the Canadian Baby Jesus is hooked on that good shit and he wanted the first pictures of Justin getting high. Well, a day after the paparazzo was killed, somebody did get pictures of Justin Bieber sucking on a blunt. Our little Canadian Baby Jesus is growing up, because he's traded his pacifier and bottle for a Corona and a blunt, and TMZ posted the proof last night.
On January 2nd, the Biebs and his best friend 4eva Lil Twist, who was driving Justin's Ferrari at the time the paparazzo was ran over, smoked up at a hotel in Newport Beach, CA. TMZ's source says that Lil Twist and his brother rolled up the party favors and passed them to everyone in the room. Everyone in that hotel room knows what it's like to get dutch oven'ed by Willie Nelson, because the room quickly filled up with pot smoke. Justin's security guards were in the room, but they must've been too busy trying to inhale the air, because they didn't care that people were taking pictures of the chosen one swallowing clouds of weed smoke. Justin sort of responded to the pics on Twitter and he was probably still high when he did it, because he let out some deep words of wisdom that only a stoner would let out after taking twenty too many bong hits:
"everyday growing and learning. trying to be better. u get knocked down, u get up."
I know, an 18-year-old smoking weed is just one big "....AND?"
Justin doesn't need to explain anything, because obviously he only uses the good shit for medicinal purposes. I mean, menstrual cramps are a bitch!
If you were born on or around December 25th, then I'm sure you have already cursed your parents for insisting on partaking in bareback love during the springtimes. Jesus is an attention whore, so December 25th is always all about him and other December 25th babies get the shaft. Christmas babies usually get dual purpose gifts and their birthday cake is a pile of leftover holiday cookies with a half-melted candle stuck in it. Well, Christmas babies, Jesus now feels your pain, because his special day has been overshadowed by the ultimate attention whores: BRANGELINA!
The Telegraph says that Brad Pitt and Angie Jo might've (but probably not) gotten married on Christmas Day during their holiday vacation to Turks and Caicos. Proving that he's still a cheating bastard, Brad Pitt cheated on Chanel by staying at Donna Karan's estate. A source says that Brad's parents, his sister Julie and his more-talented brother Doug Pitt joined Brangelina and their child army in Turks and Caicos. Some tourists say that they spotted a bulgy-eyed creature slithering around the island, so either James Haven gave Angie away or an iguana on meth did.
So if this is true, then on December 25, 2013, the following is going to happen:
- Instead of wearing red and green Christmas sweaters, we're going to wear black potato sacks.
- Instead of filling our eating holes with egg nog and Honey Baked Ham, we're going to slowly sip on virgin blood in between licking a plate covered with Jennifer Aniston's dried tears.
- Instead of decorating the Christmas tree, we're all going to smoke pine tree needles out of a bong. (Note: I'm okay with this.)
- Instead of giving our children half an Ambien, so they'll be passed out when Santa comes to visit, we're going to put them in front of the fireplace for Angie to take after she slithers down the chimney.
Poor, Jesus. Now he'll be the one blowing out a half-melted candle on a pile of leftover holiday cookies while everyone is celebrating Brangelina's wedding day. Merry Brangiemas, I guess.
During her last pregnancy, Jessica Simpson broke every copy of Elle's Photoshop when she posed nekkid ass nekkid and talked non-stop about how she couldn't get enough of Eric Johnson sticking his gold digging peen up into her amniotic fluid ocean. And now we're doing it all over again. Chestica tweeted this picture of her making third degree duckface while showing off the skin globe where her second baby is growing. Since Jessica and Eric are horniest when she's knocked up, I don't even want to think of the things they're doing with her deep ass belly button. Let's not go to that place. It's way too late in the year for that shit.
And judging by her last pregnancy, I'm guessing she's about 10 days knocked up here. Only 545 days to go!
Because they have more money than we'll ever have and more rug rats than we'll ever want, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, their child army and their SWAT team of twelve nannies are sunning their buns and The Leg in the Carribean according to Radar. Or, more specifically, at designer Donna Karan's crib on Turks and Caicos. Celebuzz has pics of the place, I Googled, and it's a bargain at $10K a night. BUT they do throw in complimentary flip flops for chasing down wild children by the black volcanic stone lined infity pool, so that helps. They are being joined by Brad's parents, his brother, his sister and their families. That's 22 people in all. It really DOES take a village. Look at that place. No really look now, because it's gorgeousness will be wiped out like a car bombing by the time that couch and table jumping brood is done with it.
Damn, TWELVE nannies?? Are they sure that's enough? If I've got the right place it only has eleven bedrooms, so there will probably be some bed sharing going on. Since Angie sleeps in her custom black mohogany coffin and from the look of Brad's face he doesn't sleep at all, there will only have to be a few bunk sharers or floor dwellers. (Don't EVEN look at me bitches ~ Zahara). No, you know they have all twelve nannies piled up like laundry on the smallest bed so it's all good.
In other Brad and Angie news, the marriage rumors, take 5832, are back and Gossip Cop (via OK Magazine) is saying they're REALLY for honest for seriously true tying the knot this summer and getting matching tattoos to mark the occasion since Angie has two inches of un-inked real estate left. Supposedly they can't agree on where to get them or what type of tattoo to get. Angie wants an artsy one only she can understand, and Brad is leaning towards a cartoon character. The jokes write themselves. These two need to just go ahead and jump the broom already, because this shit got old 450 announcements ago and nobody will care when they finally Hoveround their old asses up to the altar. Hell, nobody cares now.
Here's the trailer for the movie where Lindsay Lohan refused to put her mouth on Charlie Sheen's mouth, because if their saliva mixed together, a super-resistant monster STD strain would be born and bitch is already in enough trouble with the CDC. In LiLo's last movie, she pretty much made fun of Elizabeth Taylor by playing her and in Scary Movie 5 she makes fun of herself. While parodying Paranormal Activity, LiLo and Charlie try to make a sex tape, but can't, because her sobriety monitor, tracking anklet and dog shock collar are in the way. TMZ says that (SPOILER ALERT if you care) LiLo ends up running Charlie Sheen over with her car and blames it on somebody else. Only LiLo can collect a check for making fun of how she constantly butt fucks the California Justice System without lube.
And it was a nice touch putting a half-melted, bronzer-covered Scream mask over LiLo's face for all her scenes.
Tony Award-winning actress Scarlett Johansson (Note: If my fingertips had eyes, they would've side-eyed me into the next room for typing that.) is back on Broadway playing the role that got Elizabeth Taylor an Oscar nomination when she did it a million years ago. ScarJo has the natural charisma of a sloth on a cold wood roof, but since actresses who haven't been on the cover of Life & Style don't sell theater tickets, the producers of the newest Broadway revival of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (or "Cat on a Hot Tin Ruff" if you're from New England) cast ScarJo as Maggie the Gato. First LiLo in Liz & Dick and now this? Hasn't Elizabeth Taylor been through enough?
Previews started this week and ScarJo acts opposite Ciarán Hinds, Debra Monk and Benjamin Walker. ScarJo is apparently getting $40,000 a week plus 7.5% of ticket sales if the show is a hit, and that's really not a lot of money considering that the average ticket price for a Broadway show is two kidneys and the deed to your house.
Of course, I really want to travel to NYC to pay hundreds of dollars to see a rattan lamp outshine ScarJo (figuratively and literally), but I'm not going to. Nothing can top the production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof I saw at a community theater in Orange County California a thousand years ago. Maggie wore a slip that I swear was from Wet Seal and at one point the actor playing Brick forgot he was supposed to have a broken leg and started walking normal before he realized it and said, "Ohshit!" And during one of Maggie's 300-minute long monologues, the old bitch in front of me, shouted, "Is she ever going to shut up?"
Unless that grouchy old bitch is seated in the front row during every one of ScarJo's show, I don't need to see it.
But seriously, apparently people who saw the first preview are saying she's good. We might soon live in a world where ScarJo is a two-time Tony Award winner.
Johnny Depp and Amber Heard started getting naked together either right before or right after his relationship with Vanessa Paradis ended, and there are rumors that shit is getting so serious that they are about to move in together. But Radar says that while Johnny is ready to get monogamous with Amber, she's not really feeling it. Even though current day Johnny Depp looks like a beautiful butch lesbian, he doesn't have a 'gina and that's what Amber really wants.
A source tells Radar that Johnny wants to be with Amber all the time, but she keeps telling him that she only wants his dick part-time and she just can't have a full-on relationship with a dude. The source says Amber is breaking Johnny's greasy lil' heart:
“Johnny and Amber have been having a lot of fun spending time with one another, but Amber keeps telling him she’s not interested in being with him in a monogamous relationship. She says she feels she's too young for him, but the main factor is Amber prefers dating women over men and has no interest in committing to a guy -- even if he is Johnny Depp! Amber is a free spirit when it comes to love, and refuses to label herself as gay, or even bi-sexual, but it's a fact that she is more attracted to women than men and the most meaningful relationships she has had to date have been with same sex partners."
What a cruel, Depp-eating she-devil that Amber Heard is. Johnny is already humiliating himself by dressing like an old west english teacher who works in the mornings as a newsboy, and she's humiliating him even more by toying with his innocent heart! Did I ever tell you that you're my hero, Amber Heard?
Suri Cruise gets to spend the Christmas holiday with her daddy and that's good news for her, because Tommy Girl is actually fun. Unlike strict ass Katie Holmes, Tommy lets Suri do whatever she wants like slap the maids for serving her hot cocoa two degrees too hot, slap the Christmas tree for getting too dry too fast and slap Tia John Travolta for eating all of the frosted fruitcake. Also, Katie probably got Suri a bunch of cheap boring gifts like educational toys, sneakers (so she can walk on her own more, BOO) and peasant clothes from Old Navy. Tommy knows what Suri really likes, because apparently this Christmas he got her a pony and a mansion! Eat it, Veruca Salt.
The incredibly reliable and not-at-all-fictional news source Grazia Magazine (via ShowbizSpy) says that on Christmas morning, Suri Cruise will open a box holding the key to her new $13.5 million mansion in Upstate NY. Some source (aka the intern at Grazia who is mad that they had to stay in the office during Christmas break) says that Tommy bought Suri a pony and the pony can't possibly live in Katie's Manhattan apartment, so he bought his daughter a house. (Side note: Tommy is the same size as a pony, is just as loud, always has accidents on the floor and Katie lets him inside of her apartment. So why wouldn't she let a pony live there?)
The source says that Suri has so many toys that don't fit in Katie's apartment, so Tommy is hoping she can keep them in her new mansion. The source put it like this:
“Tom is determined to make this the best Christmas ever. Obviously there isn’t anywhere to keep a pony at Katie’s apartment, so this place is ideal. It also has space for her toys, many of which have been in storage since Katie quit their LA mansion."
When Katie's mad, she'll scream at Suri, "Go upstate to your multi-million dollar mansion, young lady!" and that just feels right. It also feels right that Suri is the girl version of Richie Rich. I'm sure Suri's new mansion is actually a giant Scientology-made spaceship that will take her to her mother planet when Earth implodes, but whatever, she's still got her own place! Take that, Blue Ivy Carter.
Speaking of BIC, Suri Cruise probably thinks she showed her up, but all that will change on Christmas Day when we all find out that Beyonce and Jay-Z bought Blue Ivy the island territory of Guam.
Here's Katie and Suri in NYC this morning and Tommy leaving Letterman last night. Tommy's sweater, button shirt and undershirt can't contain his sweaty hotness.
That high-pitched squealing most of London heard last night, wasn't from George Michael playing in the park again. It was from Morrissey fangirling over his royal idol Duchess Kate making her first appearance in front of public eyes since she checked out of the hospital. I'm sure Morrissey has already printed this picture out, pasted a picture of his face over Becks' face, drew a heart around Kate with a sparkly gel pen and glued it to the ceiling over his bed so every morning he can wake up and look at the beautiful reason for why he opens his eyes.
If I was laid up on a princess canopy bed and Prince Hot Ginge was hand-feeding me pieces of crystallized ginger while Prince William rubbed my tummy with a silk glove on, I'd stay sick forever. But Duchess Kate has a job to do! Somebody has to wave, smile, stand, wave, smile, stand, wave, smile at events and that somebody is Duchess Kate. So she pulled herself out of her sick bed for a quick second to wave, smile and give out trophies at the Sports Personality of the Year Awards in London last night.
I wish that while Duchess Kate was standing next to Becks and staring at his shiny ass forehead, she saw her reflection and realized that she should stop doing her hair like an Angel of Charlie and stop stealing clothes from Tootsie's dirty laundry basket. The Breck Girl look is not for her. But she probably didn't see that since the sparkle rays from her bright shiny white teeth ricocheted off of Becks' forehead and hit her in the eyes, leaving her temporarily blind. Damn!