E! confirmed through multiple "sources" last week that Beyonce, Jay-Z and the rest of the world will soon be graced by another infinite holy one of eternal light, because they said a fetus checked into her womb. But apparently, Old Man Ebro of Hot 97 (via Kid Fury) heard straight from the
horse's camel's mouth that Beyonce is not pregnant with baby Lavender Flytrap Carter. Old Man Ebro is e-mail friends with Jay-Z and he sent J a congratulatory e-mail a few days ago. Jay-Z responded back with this:
“It’s not true. The news is worse than blogs."
The news is worse than the blogs?! That hurts like a hot sauce enema. As a blogger, I've always prided myself on being the absolute worst, so it makes me sad knowing that the head of the Illuminati's New York office thinks the news is trashier than the blogs. I have got to do worser.
A SANS FARDS Anna Paquin took one of her twins for a walk with a friend in Venice, CA yesterday when they ran into a paparazzo in the wild. When a mama bear comes across a threat in the wild, she sometimes rips out the throat of that threat to protect her young and Anna did the non-violent human version of that by flipping a bitch off. Don't threaten me with a good time, Soooookeh.
When I lived in NYC, I hardly ever used my middle finger when out in the wild. Sometimes my middle finger would come up when a car would almost hit my ass or a crazed biker would almost decapitate my toes with their wheels, but it didn't happen that often. But since I've moved to L.A. and road rage has become my favorite sport, I use my middle finger all the time. Flipping a whore off while perfectly mouthing the words "fuck you, asshole" gives me a quick shot of happiness like nothing else.
And it's a damn shame that Sookeh's covering her kid's face and he can't see her flipping a ho off, because you're never too young to learn that the middle finger is one of the most useful tools in civilization.
The forgotten children of Destiny who aren't already part of Beyonce and Jay-Z's household staff might want to forward their resumes to House of Dereon's human resources department, because they might be looking for a second team of nannies. E!'s sources say that the rumors that Blue Ivy Carter's sibling is baking in a womb right now are true. Apparently, Beyonce is knocked up with a bey-be.
E! didn't have any information other than that. But if this blind item from Blind Gossip is true, then Beyonce is having twins:
This married couple has a fascinating dilemma on their hands!
They tried to get pregnant. After a miscarriage, they went the surrogate route. The surrogate produced a happy, healthy baby.
The couple decided that they wanted another child. Logically, they decided to hire a surrogate again. The surrogate got pregnant… but so did the wife!
The couple is totally shocked! Both pregnancies are still very early on, and there is no guarantee that both women will carry to term, so there will no announcements for a while. But they are already talking about the possibilities.
If both women can successfully carry to term, will they keep both children? Admit to a surrogate? Pretend that the wife gave birth to twins? If only the surrogate carries successfully to term, will they admit to the surrogate? Pretend that the wife gave birth?
It certainly is an interesting dilemma!
If they have twins, they can name one Red Vines and the other one White Fern. Red, White and Blue! All the colors of the
American Cuban flag!
The Bumblebeys (yes, I get pus-filled hives on my fingers every time I type that) of Antwerp, Belgium won't be able to see their Queen of the Beyhive (there comes those hives again) make overexcited dog faces (see: the face above) in concert, because she has canceled tonight's show and she might cancel tomorrow night's show too. According to UsWeekly, Beyonce's spokeswhore tells the AP that she's come down with a serious case of the tireds and a serious case of the thirsties. Beyonce just needs to put on her restin' wig and have a seat. (Yes, some of you have been telling her to have a seat for years and she's finally answering your prayers.)
Beyonce is one month into her Mrs. Carter Show world tour and she has three more months to go. Beyonce's rep says that doctors ordered her to lie down on a pile of freshly plucked swan feathers as her minions bring her hand-carved ice balls on a gold platter. I'm really supposed to beylieve that Beyonce's doctors ordered her to rest? Beyonce probably went up to her doctors and said, "Hi, I'm Beyonce, write me a sick note now. I'm waiting, whore."
Beyonce's rep also said that Beyonce's doctors will decide soon if she's going to perform tomorrow night.
Usually when celebwhores use the "exhaustion" excuse, it means they're cracked out on crack or they don't want to tell people the real reason for why they're canceling shit. So of course this is just giving more life to the rumor that she's expecting another chosen one. If that's the case, then I totally believe that Beyonce is tired and dehydrated. Because walking around with a pillow strapped to your belly is really tiring and just thinking about it makes me thirsty for a cold pop.
When Beyonce went to the Met Gala last week, some said that there was clearly a first trimester Tempur-Pedic baby bump underneath her dress. But I figured that since Beyonce wore a rug, she had a little bump under her belt, because she shoved a bottle of carpet cleaner, a hand-held vac and a lint roller in there. Well, now "music industry insiders" (read: Basement Baby's Campbell Soup phone finally got a clear connection) tell Page Six that Blue Ivy Carter better make some room in her 40,000 square foot nursery, because she's getting a roommate soon.
P6's sources say one of Jay-Z's camel sperms humped its way into one of Beyonce's ovary eggs and now she's got the third coming growing in her womb. Beyonce is currently twerking her lace front off all over Europe in her Mrs. Carter Show world tour. Beyonce's rep wouldn't open their mouths when Page Six asked for a comment.
I refuse to beylieve any of this until Beyonce shamelessly rubs her bump after performing at a second tier awards show. The Billboard Music Awards are this weekend... No, I'm sure Beyonce's baby announcement will be much more subtle this time around and by that I mean three extras dressed as Wise Men will carry her knocked up ass on a bed covered in golden hay through the streets as white smoke billows out of the House of Dereon's chimney. When Catholic abuelitas start fainting over the news that the second reincarnation of Jesus will be here soon, then we'll really know that Beyonce is knocked up.
Some people thought that Duchess Kate would birth out a future queen named Diana Elizabeth Jodie (as in "Jodie Marsh" as in the true Queen of England) after she supposedly spit out the news on accident a couple of months ago, but Prince Hot Ginge is telling hos something else. The Mirror says that PHG is running his ginger mouth and telling everybody that a future king will slip out of Duchess Kate's vagina royale and not a future queen.
My guess is that PHG let a heavy stream of the sweet nectar trickle down his throat and when that happens, he either starts spilling all the royal family secrets or he pulls his panties off and does the dick slappy dance for a bunch of hos. Sadly, he did the former instead of the latter and is telling everyone that he's going to get a nephew. Some source said this:
“Harry has been telling everyone Wills and Kate are having a boy and how thrilled he is at the prospect of having a little nephew. He said the whole family were excited about it. Apparently Kate has always wanted a boy. They’re really working hard on baby names now and think they have it sorted. But they won’t reveal anything to anyone – not even Harry. Of course, Harry’s been making up crazy suggestions and winding them up too. The close inner circle all know that it’s a boy and they’re busily buying gifts with a boy theme. There will be an awful lot if blue in their house.”
People shouldn't be wondering if Duchess Kate is going to pop out a boy or a girl or a giant set of teefs with no genitals. What people should be wondering is if the ginger gene that blessed PHG is going to bless Prince William's kid too, because that's the only thing that matters. The world has enough kings and queens (see: the line in front of the check-in counter at the Scientology VIP bath house), but it can never have too many gingers.
Peaches Geldof and her husband
Sherri from The Simpsons Tom Cohen are somebody's parents again. Peaches had a scheduled C-section on April 24th, her late mother's birthday, and I'm assuming that the doctor reached into her body and pulled out a tiny black lady with a donkey booty and a side-eye like no other.
A source tells The Sun that Peaches birthed out her second son and she and
1979 era Shelley Duvall her husband decided to name him:
The source says that they chose the name "Phaedra," because it's the name of an album by her favorite band Tangerine Dream. Peaches and Tom's other kid is named Astala, so when Phaedra and Astala get older, they can start a new age electronic band together and only sing songs about the constellation and Greek myths. Phaedra and Astala will headline Coachella 2033. Trust this.
The source also said that Peaches and Tom were "over the moon" and I'm going to ignore that violation against humanity, because they named their son PHAEDRA! Peaches can be all hipstery and pretend like she named her kid after an album by her favorite band, but I know the truth. She's a down low RHoA watcher and Phaedra is her idol. That makes me like Peaches just a little bit. I can't wait for Baby Phaedra to look at Peaches and spit out his first words, "You didn't send for me, but I still came for you."
Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres' 26-acre, $16 million horse ranch in Hidden Valley (and now I want some ranch dressing) will never have a drop of baby diarrhea on its floors and the maids will never have to scrub toddlers barf out of their imported French rugs, because they plan to remain child-free forever. While every trick in Hollywood is filling her uterus with a fetus, Portia tells Out Magazine she and Ellen decided a long time ago that the only thing they're going to use a turkey baster for is to suck their clits with. (Related: Why did I read this entire article on the many uses of a turkey baster?)
“There comes some pressure in your mid-30s, and you think, Am I going to have kids so I don’t miss out on something that other people really seem to love? Or is it that I really genuinely want to do this with my whole heart? I didn’t feel that my response was ‘yes’ to the latter. You have to really want to have kids, and neither of us did. So it’s just going to be me and Ellen and no babies -- but we’re the best of friends and married life is blissful, it really is. I’ve never been happier than I am right now.”
You know, I've asked myself the same thing. In 20 years when I'm sitting at the Thanksgiving table with my 9 dogs and we're all fighting over the last turkey drumstick, am I going to wish that there was a kid across from me, telling me how much I ruined their life and that they hate me and they wish that I would choke on a jellied-slice of canned cranberry sauce? Is my black heart of bitterness going to be incomplete without that moment? Probably not, because I'll be too drunk to notice. Yes, misery loves company, but that's what Jack Daniels is for.
And that cover is giving me major "Justin Bieber does Laugh-In" vibes.
Three days ago, a stork built a nest on top of Heather Morris' garage and that means it's getting ready to bring her a baby. UsWeekly says that 26-year-old Heather Morris has a 3-month-old fetus friend growing in her womb and she made it with her high school sweetheart turned grown-up boyfriend Taylor Hubbell. A source says that Heather and Taylor didn't plan for her to come down with a case of the BABIES!!, which means either the condom broke, she bought her birth control pills off the Internet or she really doesn't know that a baby is made when a sperm fish swims out of a dude's peen and shoves itself into a lady egg.
"She's a little more than three months along and starting to show," the source says of the Scottsdale, Ariz. The dad-to-be is the star's longtime boyfriend Taylor Hubbell, whom she met in high school.
"It was totally unexpected, but they are incredibly happy and excited," the source tells Us.
Although a second pal says the pair have no plans to wed just yet, a march down the aisle might not be far off. Says the source: "I see it in their future."
Finn from Glee went to rehab and it got him a blurb in People Magazine. Brittany got knocked up and it got her a blurb in UsWeekly. So that means that right now Lea Michele is getting it on with a turkey baster and a meth pipe, because next week's covers of UsWeekly and People are HERS!!!!!
A couple of months ago, we all found out that Jeremy Renner knocked up his ex-girlfriend Sonni Pacheco and instead of cutting her a check, putting her on a bus and sending her far, far away, he put her up in the mansion he lives in with his roommate. I know, it's like the most bizarre episode of The New Normal ever. Well, Jeremy and Sonni are now Super Glued to each other for life, because a baby with his DNA and her DNA now exists. Jeremy's rep tells People that Jeremy did make a baby with Sonni and that baby was born. People puts it like this:
He and girlfriend Sonni Pacheco confirm to PEOPLE that they are the proud parents of a 7 lb. baby girl, Ava Berlin Renner.
“They are beyond thrilled,” his spokesperson tells PEOPLE in a statement. “Mother and daughter are doing great.”
Reports of a baby-on-the-way for the Oscar nominee first hit the web in January following the Golden Globes.
Renner, 42, had not previously addressed the rumors.
I actually like the name Ava Berlin Renner and I always hiss at celebrity baby names. Ava Berlin sounds like the name of a super elegant drag queen who only sings songs from the musical Cabaret and only performs at lounges that use cloth napkins. Ava Berlin also sounds like the name of lounge singer turned mob wife (Michelle Pfeiffer will play her in the movie).
Anyway, congrats to Ava Berlin, because she gets to look up at Jeremy Renner's eyeliner-lined bunny eyes and say, "Daddy."