Your Face Scares Me

Are you feeling too smart today? Do you want to feel dumber? Well, watch this entire video and your brain cells will quickly start exploding one by one. Before you know it, you'll be babbling incoherently just like Wonky and Lady CaCa.

This brain killing clip is of Wonky "interviewing" Lady CaCa in some rundown storage room (how fitting) at a club in London during a Nokia event. Wonky talks like she has a dick in her mouth, because she usually does. Lady CaCa talks like she just gargled with a gallon of cokey water (and swallowed a lot of it). But in her defense, being that close to Wonky makes you dumb. Scientific fact.

Seriously, a frozen dog turd and a Kim Zolciak's road kill wig could have a more intelligent conversation than these two fucktards.

And make sure to watch the 1:42 mark to see Wonky's "special needs gorilla" dance.

When Evan Rachel Wood broke it off with corpse lizard Marilyn Manson, there were rumors that she comforted herself by licking on Mickey Rourke's ham scramble face. She denied that shit by saying they "bonded" while making The Wrestler (Evan plays his angsty daughter) and are just good friends. Well, it looks like they are still bonding....with their mouths.

FoxNews says that after the S(L)AG Awards on Sunday, 21-year-old Evan and 56-year-old Mickey were tongue fighting outside of the Four Seasons Hotel. Some witness person said that after they finished killing the flowers and plants around them by kissing, they went upstairs together.

Who can blame Evan for not being able to resist The Mickey? You see that face and all you want to do is just sit on it! Mostly because your precious eyebrows start burning off if you look at Mickey's hatchet face too long, so you just have to sit on it to stop the pain.

And I'd totally hit it, because I'm curious as to what the peen looks like now. My peendar doesn't work on Mickey. When I try to imagine what the dick is like, my peendar shuts down and gives me a 404 error. His dick probably looks like a pork rind.

Kim from The Real Hos of Atlanta is at Sundance because Park City probably has a really bad problem with rabid Mormon coyotes attacking tourists. They figured that if they invited Kim's mangy ass, rabies-ridden wig, the coyotes would stop biting the tourists because they'd be too busy trying to get one of their babies back from Kim's head. Kim had to have known that there was going to be some wild animals around that would try to rescue one of their own. But she probably figured that her mutant tarantula eyelashes would scare them off.

And not only does she have to worry about wild animals attacking her face, she also needs to fend off the groups of children that try to rip her head off because they are mistaking it for a Barbie Styling Head. Although, a Barbie Styling Head has a little more life in the eyes.

Hatchetface Rourke is on the top of the world! He has a Golden Globe award, he's going to be in that Iron Man 2 shit, he will most likely get an Oscar nomination and now he has the love of lunatic with a gold-plated heart named Bai Ling! And by "love" I mean she probably just gave him a hand job and maybe an ass lip tickle. Page Six says that at the Chateau Marmont in L.A. the other night, the two "made out and partied pretty hard."

Bai Ling is definitely the loon for Mickey. I mean, she's the only one who can probably stomach waking up to his fish jerky face. I'm sure she's woken up to worse. Remember that fake Bigfoot? Yeah, I think she hit that.

I also would love this union because I need to see Bai walk the red carpet at the Oscars. Everyone was so damn normal at the Golden Globes and the wrecks in chiffon must return! The mess of all messes Sally Kirkland has been M.I.A. on red carpets for a while, so Bai Ling needs to take her place.

By the way, don't tell Bai she was really making out with Mickey. I think she thought she was still making out with the fake Bigfoot. She is really starting to have feelings for him and it will break her little heart if she finds out the truth.

We haven't had a c-word slip in a while, so I was hoping that at last night's GGs someone would've gotten tanked and let the cunt out to play. Nobody did. BUT Mickey Rourke and Darren Aronofsky did give us a double. While accepting his award for Best Beast in a whatever, Mickey called Darren's mom a bitch, basically. Darren responded by giving Mickey the one finger salute! That's how they show their love for each other. In my family, flipping someone off is like giving them a warm hug.

NBC killed the fun for the West Coast. They censor a harmless middle finger, but they don't put a black bar over Mickey's roadkill face. This makes no sense! But seriously, I'm glad Mickey won. He deserved this shit back in the 90s for that porn movie Wild Orchid!

And Mickey wins my vote for best dressed dude last night. I know, I know. He's like a guido at prom meets Hot Topic. But he's wearing a sparkly scarf!

Jay Mohr changed his name to Jay Cox Mohr (or Mohr Cox as I like to call him) to show his love for his wife Nikki. But what he really should have done to show his affection for her is take away the Wesson oil or whatever else she's fucking injecting into her poor lips.

That shit is making my own lips want to run to the nearest law office to get some kind of contract together for me to agree never to torture them this way. It's not normal that when you talk, your lips start making whistle noises. I bet you Mohr Cox is making her partake in this fuckery, because the greedy fucktard wants her to have two sets of cooch lips. Please, Nikki! My lips are begging you to quit it. Go get your lips lipoed before they get bigger, cover up your nostrils and prevent you from breathing through your nose. It's not too late.

Both Sean Penn and "Slip me a" Mickey "so that I can deal with your face" Rourke will most likely get nominated for Oscars this year for Leche and The Wrestler (with a Hatchetface). Apparently, Mickey thinks it's queer that everyone is getting wet over Sean's performance.

The Daily Beast got a hold of a text message allegedly sent by Mickey to some industry-type calling Sean Penn a gay hater. Yes, the same Mickey who has been known to throw around the "faggot" word once or twice. In the text, Mickey wrote: “Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno (sic)."

Mickey's spokeswhore said she knows nothing of the text, but went on to say that Mickey and Sean are best girlfriends 4EVA. Mickey even showed up to the NYC premiere of Milk to support Sean. Blah. Blah.

Mickey obviously wants to make gross love to his own Oscar statue and he should keep his mouth shut if he wants this dream to come true. He's helping Sean's case by calling him a homo hater. I mean, a homophobe convincingly playing one of the most famous gay dudes in history? Give Sean the Oscar!

Actually, fuck those two. The Oscar should go to the chihuahua who played Delgado in Beverly Hills Chihuahua. That bitch deserves it.