Your Face Scares Me

The New York Daily News (via THR) planned to do a picture spread featuring non-models wearing some of the hideous tacky shit from Versace's collection for H&M, but that idea was crushed into fine powder and snorted up by Donatella Versace after she refused to let size 6 fatties represent the Versace brand. That's right. If you want to be photographed wearing a skirt that looks like it was made from the curtains of a HoJo's in Boca, your body better be thinner than my will to live when I stare at Donatella's Shroud of Turd face for too long.

The NYDN says that when they presented the idea of showing off the collection on the size 0 to 6 bodies of New York types, H&M told them to hold that thought, because they had to get Versace's permission first. H&M didn't think Donatella would approve it since she's made it clear that she doesn't want "real women" modeling the collection. The NYDN sent H&M pictures of the women they wanted to use. H&M was right, because Donatella declared that all but one of the women didn't fit "Versace's branding."

You'd think that Donatella would bend her cunt rules a bit since: 1) Her daughter Allegra has suffered from anorexia for years; and 2) Ugly hos, fat hos, skinny hos, pretty hos and all of the other kinds of hos shop at H&M. But Donatella has a reputation as a nightmare-hearted cretin to uphold.

If Donatella let non-skinny people with non-alien faces wear Verace in a photo shoot, Kunty Karl would banish her from the Death Eaters' lair forever. Then Donatella would be so upset that she'd eat actual food instead of human souls and she'd eventually turn into a normal person whose heart beats and who thinks reasonable thoughts. We don't want this! Cunts like Donatella make our world go round.

Oh, and is Donatella wearing brown lip liner in that picture or did the person who anal bleaches her mouth miss a spot? If it's brown lip liner, ten glamour points for Donatella. If it's her anal bleachers' fault, KILL HIM!

It's pretty obvious that Philip Treacy is a hat-making sadomasochist (hatomasochist?) who cackles himself into a jizz bust from seeing rich ass celebrities wearing a swirl of WHAT THE SHIT? designed by him on top of their heads. Philip could sew his label into a KKK cone covered in bedazzled possum shit and fancy bitches would still trip over each other to get their hands on it. I mean, look at Sarah Jessica Parker at the VRC Oaks Club Ladies Luncheon in Melbourne. Bitch has a giant black sperm on top of her head! Now, my ass says a Dionne Warwick prayer every day for black sperm to fall on top of my head, but I don't know if SJP does. If you step back and let your imagination roll around in the gutter, that bitch's hat almost looks like a Dune slug 69ing a shiny black sperm. I think I love Philip Treacy for this.

You know who I don't love? The audience at the VRC Oaks Club Ladies Luncheon. When SJP is sitting there with a serpent-like thing over her head, it is your duty to scream at her, "THERE'S A NO-EYED SNAKE ON YOUR HEAD!" Philip Treacy will blow you an air kiss as the room fills with echoing neighs and dust from fast-moving hooves.

File this under: Riveting news is RIVETING!

Jason Sudeikis and Lindsay Lohan, seen here looking like a (don't click on that) prolapsed anus wearing expired eyeliner, were both at a party for Purple Magazine on Saturday night when one thing led to them trying to bust a nut into each other's mouth holes. A ho who witnessed this important moment in peanut history gave this first-hand account to Page Six:

“Jason and LiLo were sitting across from each other, then Jason started throwing peanuts or paper at her. Lindsay kept ducking to miss them until she decided to throw them right back at him. Then they began throwing nuts at each other trying to get it into each other’s mouths. Once finished they got up and hugged and started laughing together.”

This is the part in the post where I come clean and admit that I only posted this non-story so that I could use that naturally gorgeous picture of Blohan looking like hot death warmed over a plate of dehydrated scab skin. I also posted this so that when the Clinica Mobile nurse lets you know that you have once again contracted Chlamydia of the retinas, you can blame it on that headline.

Yesterday, the entire Internet as a whole had a "Harpo, who dis woman?" moment when pictures of Ali Lohan's 2009 face compared to her today face made the rounds. Some said that 17-year-old Ali must've gotten the Michael Jackson special by her family plastic surgeon who shares an office with her family pharmacist in a mini-mall office next to a 7-Eleven in The Valley. Others said that it looks like White Oprah is trying to get Ali in the next cast of Celebrity Rehab. And then there were those (just me) who figured that she simply just shed her old freckled human shell and she's been a reptialien poorly modeled after Sophia Lamar the whole time. But it's none of those!

Lindsay Lohan, who really wouldn't know shit if it snorted itself up her nose, says her younger sister has never had plastic surgery. Ali's model agency Next Management co-signed LiLo's statement and said that she's simply just growing into her face. You know, because most 17-year-old's baby fat goes straight to their lips. This is what Next said to E! News:

"Contrary to recent reports, I can confirm that Aliana Lohan has not had any surgery. As a young girl who is growing up, it's natural for her facial features to change slightly, and we see this with many of the younger models we represent. Aliana is a beautiful 17-year-old girl who is growing into her face and body, as is the norm for someone of her age. We take pastoral care of our models very seriously and encourage the models to maintain a healthy lifestyle and body shape."

Next is the same bitch that called "Aliana" the future face of fashion, so you already know those hos got a lying keyboard. But that's not the point. The point is that White Oprah will once again get a Mother of the Year trophy and plaque for this mess. You can put down your hand, White Oprah. I've already asked them to put a mirror on the back of your plaque and to make sure that the cup of your trophy can hold an entire bottle of Alize. I know how you like it.

On the left is Ali Lohan back in 2009 and on the right is someone the paps say is 17-year-old Ali Lohan in Beverly Hills yesterday, but I'm not so sure since how in White Oprah's coke spoon hell is that the same being?! The list of things White Oprah should be slapped in the mouth for is as full as full can be, but room should be made and this mess right here should be moved right up to the very top. It's official, the Lohan's family plastic surgery hates them more than any other bitch.

I can go on and on about how Ali's freckles have been replaced with zero food and spider leg brows, but I'm going to go sit in my end of the world bunk instead since V was obviously right and the teenage lizard aliens (also see: Courtney Stodden) have finally arrived. While I do that, please bust a CITIZEN'S ARREST on White Oprah or at least leave a trail of Jägerbombs from the rest stop bathroom she passed out in last night to Death Row.

As the ghost of Michael Jackson moonwalks into Gary, Indiana's Office of Vital Records to change the born date on his birth certificate to any day but today, the garden lizard with first degree porn face that is Courtney Stodden is turning 17 (in porn iguana years) today. It's official: 17 is the new 47!

Courtney cooed out to Radar that she was going to spend her birthday with her 51-year-old plastic gay robot husband at Disneyland, but since they're both wrapped in extra thin mannequin wax and California is being fucked with a heat wave, they're going to stay inside and write more Tweets like this:

While I lie beneath this sizzling-sun, the popsicle that I am sweetly sucking on begins to melt & drips irresistibly all over my moist body!

Celebrating the last night of being sweet-n-sexy 16 by wearing NOTHING but my tasty bday-suit! Mmm; Yummy! ;-)

When you're a 17-year-old girl who writes shit that is straight out of Gay Al's script for an episode of The Red Shoe Diaries, you should hug your pimp mother for doing something right. Happy Birthday, Courtney. May we all look like we're having a permanent hot flash when we turn 17 for the 30th time!

No, this is not a page from the "Buy 1 Get 1 Free" clearance section of a Russian brides catalog that caters to gerontophile gentlemen who are in the market for a pre-owned model. This is Lindsay Lohan (on the left) and White Oprah (on the right) looking like if Jerri Blank brought Aunt Magda as her date to her winter formal. If Florida public access did a low-budget version of The Real Housewives of Boca, this is what it would look like.

Blohan and White Oprah peeled themselves out from under the heat lamp on the Sizzler buffet line and Crisco-ed themselves into the finest gowns from Frederick's to watch Kim Kardashian make a Geico caveman her second husband (and counting). Kim's invitation said that all hos must only wear black and/or white, so it's not like Blohan tried to hump the spotlight away from the bride. I wouldn't put it past her, but she had more important things to worry about. Like trying to sneak as many centerpieces into the trunk of her car so she can sell them later on eBay.

To see more priceless and coked up pictures of the Orange Chicken Sisters, click over to ONTD or Gossip Center. Those who don't already know will probably spend a few minutes trying to figure out which one came out of the other one's vagina. They're both on the wrong side of 48. But my favorite part of those pictures isn't that they both have the complexion of a chicharone. It's that they both obviously looked into the mirror of delusion and said at the same time, "Damn, bitch, we're going to make dicks rise tonight!"

Here's more pictures from Kim's second pre-divorce ceremony of her bridesmaids, Gaycrest, Julianne Hough, Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne. This mess looks like one of Charlie Chaplin's black & white bowel movements.

Kim Kardashian will make the bowels of hell churn out bubbles of victory when she marries that dude whose soul will be sucked into her big fat ass for the rest of eternity in a couple of months, and her mother Pimp Mama Kris Jenner wants to look as fresh as a wax mannequin's taint for the occasion.

So the owner of the womb that created 3 attention sucking monsters got the Kim Kardashian Special by pulling and yanking at her face. Since Pimp Mama Kris can't even drop a piss without the red light on a camera staring at her, her facelift will be on an episode of her show Krapping In The Kardashians. You know, each episode of that mess should be in black and white and narrated by Rod Sterling, because getting your face cut up on camera is some Twilight Zone shit. Anyway, Pimp Mama Kris got tapped with the scalpel about a month ago and E! has the rest of the details I know your ass cares about:

"I don't want to die," Kris joked, kind of, after calling it the "most stressful morning" of her life.

"Don't cry, you're going to be fine," Kim assured her mom.

So, what was she having done?

One look at the ever youthful Jenner and it's clear she wasn't exactly in need of a physical overhaul, so she opted only for a mini facelift, getting a little nip/tuck work done around her neck and eyes.

If you woke up next to Bruce Jenner's Michael Myers mask face and the Halloween theme song played in your head as you pissed fear into your pajama chonies every morning, wouldn't you wear pajama diapers to bed instead of pajama chonies? And also, wouldn't you be scared straight off the plastic surgeon's scalpel forever?! Seriously, I wouldn't even use that anti-aging cream shit out of fear that my pores will pucker and I'll look like a piece of freeze dried chicken paillard. Bruce face's will do that to a bitch. But not Kris! I guess the female Larry Dallas wants the entire Kardashian family to look like a row of Chinatown money cats at Kim's dumb ass wedding.

Above is a pre-lifted Kris with Bruce Jenner back in May and below is Kris with Vera Wang on June 30th.

When Lindsay Lohan came stumbling out of a Hollywood club early yesterday morning like a dozen booze bottles just ran a train on her mouth, we all knew she would put the blame on everything and everybody but herself. LiLo is not one to let us down, so she just done just that! Last night, Delusion gently cradled LiLo in its arms and softly padded her back so that she could burp this out on her Twatter:

Of course me going to my best friends going away dinner is a headline- especially on my first day out of my house in 35 days. That does not give anyone the right to have a field day and manifest stories. IT WAS A GOING AWAY DINNER, THAT WAS IT. Nothing exciting happened aside from the very yummy hummus and pita. If anyone caused me to nearly fall it was the pyschotic paparazzi.... off to the gym now- have a lovely day xo

LiLo also posted the picture above of her shoe, so just to recap, this drunk bitch is blaming: THE SHOES! THE PAPARAZZI! THE HUMMUS! THE PLANET for spinning to fast causing 5 hours to feel like 5 minutes! THE EVERYTHING!

Unless someone secretly switched bitch's shoes with a pair of flask heels with a syringe in the inset that injected booze directly into her foot veins (someone should invent this) or the chickpeas in the hummus came from Colombia, bitch just got drunk! But I guess saying the opposite of the truth earns her ass more time under the attention whore spotlight. Let's try it: I absolutely did not just fap to ginge-on-ginge porn in between nibbling on a breakfast Hot Pocket. My psychotic dog is manifesting stories again!

Nope, didn't work for me.

Amy Fisher got famous from shooting Mary Buttafuoco in the face, then she got famous again for getting loads shot into her face in porn, and now she's famous again again for shooting Botox, collagen and Drano gel into her face. If they ever make a sequel to the perfect TV masterpiece Causalities of Love, Alyssa Milano will only be able to reprise her role as Amy Fisher if she wears a molded silicone mask modeled after Angelina Jolie's Real Doll.

Amy, a married mother of three and porn star, sat down with Entertainment Tonight to talk about her reality television debut in Dr. Drew's junkie-for-pay show Celebrity Rehab. Amy admitted that she sucks on the booze bottle to escape life and then she said something that should really be Celebrity Rehab's tagline: "I don't need rehab, but I think I made for an interesting cast member!" Clip below Clip below of Amy's lips desperately trying to move like two obese snakes stuck in a pool of hardened gelatin:

Amy Fisher is a deranged mess of melting delusion, but I have to give her credit for her impeccable and classic eyebrow situation as well as the made in France talons of exquisiteness on her finger tips. That being said, why does Amy Fisher hate faces so much?! What does she have against faces and why is she not talking to Dr. Drew about her face hating ways? Amy committed an illegal act by half paralyzing Mary Jo's face with a bullet and now she's half paralyzed her own face with plastic! If you asked Mary Jo about this, she'd probably say that karma is a back alley plastic surgeon.